You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

1. Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
2. Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
3. Are you blaming others for anything?
4. Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
5. Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
6. Are you harboring resentment?
7. Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Your repeated “visits” to the reality of what your husband’s actions did to you and to your marriage, and the degree of debilitation you repeatedly experience, are a testimony to the power of a connection in some, not all, marriages.

Do not let anyone, especially your husband, tell you that these painful moments suggest you have not forgiven fully. Acts of forgiveness do not automatically delete memory or pain.

Women who stay following a partner’s infidelity will often blame love, when it is fear that locks them in a toxic bind.

I don’t know what you will do next time. My prayer is that it will be you, not your husband, and not fear, that will make the choice.

You may be drowning in your marriage but it is your seemingly persistent belief that your husband is responsible for your happiness that is holding you under. I’d suggest you stay married AND get your ‘happy’ back. Get some self-help, not marriage help. Get off his case and onto your own.

On another note: I am wading through scores of letters regarding “no strings attached sex” and will run the winner’s response tomorrow.

I appreciated your column in today’s Mercury about having and sustaining a relationship with an alcoholic.

I was married for 28 years.  We met when we were both students.  He was the life and soul of the party, whereas I am fairly shy, and so I was able to enjoy a great social life without much being demanded of me, as he took the limelight.  We married after we had both graduated, moved away from our home towns,  and by the time our second baby was born he was out drinking most nights, often returning home  well after midnight.  During my second stay at the maternity hospital, he didn’t even visit me every day as he was either hungover or drinking.  Things deteriorated rapidly, and I didn’t have the courage to leave, so I stayed and mopped up the pieces of our social life whenever he was downright rude to people, or fell asleep in a drunken stupor during dinner parties.

I didn’t have the courage to tell my friends and tried to make light of what was happening at home.  When he told me he would be home for dinner I believed him….then the disappointment….food in the warming drawer…going to bed….waking in the small hours of the morning and blindly panicking  when I realised his side of the bed was still empty….the terrible fear that he would kill or maim someone in a drunken driving accident….soothing the children when he      shouted at them in the early mornings when they ran into our room to start the new day….  phoning the police stations, hospitals, mortuary regularly at 3am to find out if there had been an accident……and I remained so obedient, phoning his office in the mornings to say his fictitious virus was making him ill so he would only arrive at work later that day.  I was the stereotypical enabler.  I was sure that if I could be a perfect wife he would want to come home to me instead of staying out drinking.  I even bought alcohol to tempt him to do his drinking at home!

After 10 years of marriage something snapped in me when, after a particularly bad night, he told me to make the usual phonecall to the office, and I stood up to him and told him to call them himself.  He said he couldn’t.  I refused to do it, and finally he acknowledged that he had “a bit of a problem” and I found the number for Alcoholics Anonymous and watched him as he called them and set up an appointment to be twelve-stepped.

The AA people were wonderfully supportive of him, and he started spending every evening at a meeting – he managed to find meetings all over Johannesburg so that he had one every night.  And he stopped drinking.  BUT – before he would make that call to AA he told me that he would do it on condition that “Nobody must ever know about it – not my parents, or your parents, or anyone else at all”.  It was impossible for me to attend AlAnon meetings because he wouldn’t give me money for a babysitter and I wasn’t working and earning any for myself.  So I had to try to cope with this very changed man on my own, and I just didn’t manage very well.

The sober man was so unlike the man I had married that I hardly recognised him.  He now had another stick to wield: whenever I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling about both his drinking in the past, or his new sober persona, he reminded me that he had made a huge effort and was finding it all dreadfully stressful, and that if I insisted on talking about such things it would probably drive him back to drinking again.  I appreciated the effort he was making and understood how difficult it was for him, but I was crying out for help myself and getting none.  Instead of drinking, his addictive personality found outlets in one craze after another:  collecting stamps until the housekeeping money was being spend on special issues, stamp auctions etc; guns – he collected a huge range of guns and spent every free minute making bullets, practising at the driving range and hunting.  From his family background of no religion at all, he became almost fanatical in attending services, bible studies and leading the family in prayer at home twice a day, and banning any magazines or music from the home that weren’t religion based.  Each one of these, and his other, crazes lasted for a couple of years at most before being completely dropped for something else.  Keeping up with him was exhausting.

We drifted further and further apart.  I had no friends left and was in such a state of constant stress that my blood pressure became dangerously high.  I went against his wishes and found a job, and so earned money which I used to go for counselling with SANCA.  In the end after much wise counsel from them, I decided to leave the marriage and start a new life for myself.  Our children were both post-graduates and no longer living at home.  The divorce was pretty  hurtful and I moved away and have lived alone for the past 12 years, building up my self-esteem which had been completely eroded, enjoying wonderful supportive friendships and working.  He has remarried and is drinking again.

So: the point of this rather long-winded letter is to say that alcholism is not easy to cope with, the change from a drinking to a sober person doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the problems – a new set can arise.

Thank you for all the wisdom in your daily columns, which I always read.

Kind regards

1. You want to stay in the relationship and you want to be married.
2. You have a support network outside of your immediate family where you can talk about anything you want to talk about.
3. The alcoholic has admitted he or she has a problem with alcohol and appears motivated to be rid of the disease.
4. He or she is committed to a legitimate recovery program and is part of a community of men and women who are ardently engaged in managing and beating the disease.

Reasons to leave (1 out of 4 suffices):

1. You are exhausted with trying to keep life together and you no longer have the energy to sustain life for more than yourself and your children.
2. Your trust reserves are depleted and you no longer want to be married.
3. You are expected to lie for your spouse as a result of his or her drinking.
4. You are regularly subjected to abuse of any kind.
5. You and your children are subjected to excessive drinking and all that accompanies the life of a drunk.

1. Speak up for yourself – don’t allow anyone to speak for you.
2. Focus on the so-called big picture – look at the strengths you bring to the world around you.
3. Let your strengths guide you. You are unlikely to find long-term fulfillment in your life if you are neglecting or avoiding your talents.
4. Shift your focus off others (your spouse, children, in-laws, boss, employees) and anything others are doing or are not doing. Become an expert in your own behavior.
5. Govern yourself and not others.
6. Don’t spread unhelpful news or information about anyone. Monitor very closely what goes in your mouth (food and drink) and out of your mouth (words, texts, writing) as an exercise in establishing healthier boundaries.
7. Take full responsibility for yourself and stop blaming others for anything.
8. Be very generous.

I’d suggest you ease up and try to encourage your son to have a girlfriend. Try to get to know the girl yourself.

Your son will probably lie to you if you make telling the truth harder for him than it ought to be.

While I honor your role as a single mother and respect the powerful relationship that you have built with your son, I will remind you that his natural desire to grow and create relationships of his own will ultimately over-power even his dedication and commitment to you.

And when he does this, it will not make you less of a mother but it will reveal that you have indeed been a very good one.

Dating relationships are not set in stone. I applaud for recognizing that you want to see the world and do more with your life than life with him would have offered. The tensions you feel early in a relationship seldom go away.

Break contact. Tell him no more. Go to places and do things that reflect what you want in your future. It is hard, but you have to do it.

The friends you lost were probably not worth keeping.

You are perfectly capable of doing what is best for yourself and this is not selfish.