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We can’t export what we don’t have. When we attempt to do so, we participate in precipitating major internal personal disconnections and perpetuate potentially damaging fraud against ourselves.

This is universally true no matter what our means, education, status, or the power and influence we think we may wield.

It is as true for the presidents of nations, heads of universities and multinational corporations, pastors of a local church, teachers, and for mothers and fathers, rich or poor.

It is true for therapists, even those who write a daily newspaper column about matters of mental health and relationships.

The faith of a mustard seed, a humble commitment to truth and authenticity, leads to wellness.

The slightest presence of unaddressed hypocrisy will ultimately blow every one of us apart – even if it does so very slowly.

You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

1. Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
2. Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
3. Are you blaming others for anything?
4. Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
5. Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
6. Are you harboring resentment?
7. Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Every one of us has the human capacity to forgive.

While often a tall order, we have the power to forgive those who hurt us and hurt those whom we love.

This is a distinctly human edge. It is one of our human super-powers.

It frees the forgiver.

Of course this is not easy. Of course there are vulgar, violent acts committed among people.

Of course there are some acts so heinous that they can derail a victim’s life forever.

Yet even lesser transgressions among us seem difficult to forgive.

This is understandable. We like grudges. We have a natural, understandable urge to want to retaliate. It’s part survival. We think we gain some ground if we can hold onto anger or resentment, or even hate, for just a little longer. This is natural.

But we are supernatural. Yes, supernatural. Given time and space to regroup and to think, victims can deploy the power to forgive and forever escape the hold of the offender over the victimized.

Forgiving someone does not necessitate rekindling a relationship, or offering complete trust.

It means letting go, releasing the hurt, for the victim’s sake, not for the sake of the perpetrator.

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

You are wonderfully equipped to handle this unfortunate event in your now-extended family. You have already seen that anything you do in the immediate has the potential to enable the kind of behavior from both of you that you do not want to sustain.

Stay out of (her) control. Don’t attempt to rescue your son. If you have been taken by surprise you may be sure he also had some of the rug pulled from under his feet. This is his wife and her problem. Leave it to them.

Continue YOUR relationship with him as always despite her rejection of you.

It is NOT about you.

Women who reject their mothers-in-law usually (not always, of course) have unresolved issues with their own parents.

It’s not YOUR wedding (bride and groom). It’s the merging of several tribes, communities, and cultures. The more you are able to include all of the immediate and extended families, the more healthy muscle you are building into your primary relationship. If you cannot negotiate with your families about your wedding, you do not yet have what it takes to be married. Wait until you grow up a little before you want to do something as adult as get married.

Spend as little money as possible even if you are extraordinarily wealthy. Your wedding and your wallet are barometers of how you will treat money for the next 60 years. Be frugal. If you want a flashy day where you spend more than you can afford, you are not yet ready. Wait a while. Life will grow you up.

Obliterate the phrase “it’s just a piece of paper” from your vocabulary if you have used it regarding your marriage contract. If you are even vaguely contemptuous of the legal and religious aspect of marriage you are not yet ready for it.

1. Discuss individual and shared beliefs about money. Study each other’s personal finances. The wallet is a window into the soul.

2. Discuss individual and shared beliefs about work. Lazy louts can be charming dates.

3. Discuss who is “driving” the relationship understanding that it is the passive party who is really in charge.

4. Find a mental health professional able and qualified to do a Genogram for each of you. This exercise alone will give you mounds of personal insight. If you act on gained insight, you will save yourself a lot of pain. Family patterns are more powerful than love.

5. Meet as many people as possible from both immediate and extended families. Who is cut off from whom (no matter what the reasons), who is “in” and who is “out,” will tell you volumes about how your “own” family will turn out if you proceed and marry.

Yet, the man who is with an alcoholic, ranting wife, or the woman who lives with a chronic womanizer, seems to be oblivious to the fact that things do not have to stay as they are.

He or she seems unaware that, at least in some manner, it is also the issue of the person who allows destruction to continue.

I do not blame the victim. But when the victim continues to stand in the pathway of the victimizer, or benefits from the destructive behavior, then he or she must take some responsibility for allowing its perpetuation.

These matters are complex. Why women stay with violent men, why men remain unreasonably committed to nasty, demeaning women, is a mystery. I know how impossible an escape can feel especially when there are children and houses and careers and pets to consider.

Yet I will continue to tell men and women everywhere that it is possible to have a better future if they, who are in destructive relationships, become willing to take a stand and get out of the pathway of those bent on destroying the people they profess to love.

Over the years, and just like you probably do, I have learned to listen for what is not being said, what’s intentionally omitted.

I know that what people don’t tell me is usually more powerful than what they do choose tell me.

Of course, this thinking, if you are sitting on your own mountain of unresolved material, can be dangerous if you want to be an authentic, helpful listener.

If you have gaping unresolved matters with your own family, within your own relationships, or if you are immersed in denial, then you will hear what you want to hear (or don’t want to hear) every time anyone lets you into his or her life. The person will become an amplifier to what you are refusing to face. You will “hear” yourself not the person talking to you.

A sign (if you need one) of the presence of your interfering unresolved personal material is when you have to repeatedly bite your tongue because everything said (or unsaid) reminds you of something in your life.

This is when the conversation becomes about you.

This is when your life gets in the way of authentic listening.