Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

Has he or she ever read a book? Once the heat of an intense physical bout cools, you might want something to talk about and you might find there’s not much of a brain behind the brawn or beauty. If you discover there is a brain (and you like what you see) you may want to know something about his or her spirituality. You know: beliefs, values, truth, family, finances, and how to treat others. Little will rattle your world (just when you’ve bared your body) as much as discovering you have nothing to talk about and he or she’s a lying cheat.

Before sexual seduction, discover something about his or her emotional and psychological life. Is he high maintenance? Is she a space-invader? Does he share? Does she stomp? Jealous? Petty? Small-hearted?

Naked souls before naked bodies – might facilitate less heartbreak and foster something more permanent for you.

Here’s the order: brain, beliefs, boundaries, and then, after months, or years of getting to know each other, the bedroom.

Many try to work backwards.

Impossible.

Brief notes / some ideas – readers please respond.

If we were face-to-face I’d ask you to articulate your worst maternal fears.

Some mothers would not even notice this event.

Some would “freak out” – which I do not see you doing.

I think your response has been wise and levelheaded, while nonetheless you have had an internal reaction. That is what I am interested in. What is behind your anxiety? What’s under your concern? What’s is in your history that this would wave red flags for you. This is what I’d want to help you get out of the way between you and your son. He is not you.

It was very good that you ignored his request to stay out of the room. Eight-year-olds don’t have the joy of telling their mothers where to be in their homes. It was good that you let the child know what you had seen.

I trust you will completely forgive him for not telling the truth with the understanding that this was probably embarrassing for him.

I’d suggest three years is not too great of an age gap when children are older, but it is significant when one is 5! He is almost double her age. Red flags when children “experiment” with sexual or adult activity is when there is force or coercion or manipulation or pressure from one to the other for the activities to be secret. Most of the rest, I believe, can and should be stopped, redirected, and then ignored.

While this is all confusing for you and your son you must also know it is confusing for the child and her brother. I trust that you have informed the little girl’s parents about what you witnessed. Be careful here, HOW you relay this is important, you don’t want the child’s parents over-reacting. Also, you don’t want them to be in the dark given that you are an adult and you are aware regarding what occurred. In your head, switch places and do what you’d like to be done were the situation reversed.

It is good that you did not make a big issue out of what you saw but it is good you drew your son’s attention to what you saw.

Of course your son is going to get into the habit of kissing girls – while 8 is a little young I doubt this is the beginning of his career as a lover. The quicker you get this behind you and treat it as a non-issue, the better for you all.

I would continue to invite girls and boys to your home – but I would manage the environment completely. I’d not allow the children to play behind closed doors – just as a general rule.

I hope this has been helpful – where is your husband regarding this – or where is your son’s dad on these matters? Let me know.

Rod

LOVE
I often feel unconditional love for you and I’d like it to always be so – but I am fallible and my love will often fall short.

TRUST
I’d like to trust you but when you lie something is bruised between us and I find myself second-guessing you – I challenge you to tell the truth as you see it. I’ll try to do the same.

MONEY
You will hear, usually from the financially unstable, that money doesn’t make a person happy – it is a lot easier to be happy if you have money so save as much as you can.

SEX
You will be repeatedly told to avoid sex while you are young and unmarried and be presented with scare-statistics about diseases (mostly curable) and unwanted pregnancies (babies are a blessing). A better reason to avoid sex while you are young is that you do not yet have the emotional maturity to sustain a deeply intimate relationship – and premature sex does your “inner being” a huge disservice. Bad sex (rushed, secret, awkward, uncommitted) when you are young can ruin good sex (vulnerable, willing, fulfilling, mutual, committed) when you are older.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).

3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.

4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.

5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.

6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.

Clean up your language. It might (emphasis on the “might”) make you more attractive all round. If you swear (cuss) while you are writing about your most intimate relationship, one can only imagine what you must be like face-to-face.

How a person treats outsiders (those whom you do not know and who will read your writing) is a powerful indicator of how a person treats insiders (those close to you).

If you shifted your focus from what you want to what you can contribute you might see some change.

Diminish your desire to control. (“I can’t win” — healthy relationships were never about winning and losing).

Become less demanding, needy, and a lot more loving, and you may grow up a lot and be ready for the kind of sex a partner wants.

You are totally off in your understanding of men in their 50’s and 60’s. You, it is clear to me, don’t have enough behind your eyes (life experience) to have good sex – and if you keep on with your current manner of operating, which I call being “penis propelled”, you might never have it.

I hope your partner reads your post and identifies you (which you sent anonymously –another indication of your immaturity) and regards it as an impetus to bail. If she stays, and you continue to be as demanding as you clearly are, she is in for one sad, sad ride.

Mutuality is a challenge

I am in no position to comment on your particular relationship but I have seen women hide from their husbands in the name of being a good mother. I have seen women bury themselves in the children in order to escape the call of mutual, respectful, and equal relationships with other adults. Likewise, of course, men can also “hide” from wives – they can hide behind children, careers, and sports.

While a woman is enmeshed with her children she will rob herself, her husband, and her children of the beauty and freedom that comes with respecting the space and the distance everyone needs in order to grow.

Even trees cannot reach full height if they are planted too close to each other. Give your children some space and face whatever it is that makes them a useful shield. It will do you all a service.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).

3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.

4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.

5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.

6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.

[Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.

While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.

Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.

Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.

It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.