Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

The manner in which you leave a job (or any relationship, church, or even a marriage) and say goodbye is vitally important.

Desired farewells, in the event of a promotion, should be crafted with great care, if you want greater success in your next similar venture or undertaking. Undesired farewells require the skill of an accomplished artist.

A strong, open, and clear goodbye lends power to the next hello.

If you walk out slamming the literal or figurative door, expressing your frustration as you leave, cut yourself off from the old, speak ill of the place or the people you are leaving, you will unwittingly dump everything wrong or think caused you dissatisfaction from the old into the new. Whatever you refuse to face, whatever you avoid, refuse to talk about, and whatever issues you fail at at least trying to reach at least a semblance of peace and agreement (some relationships really are irreconcilable) will wait in hiding to greet you like an unwelcome welcome mat at your new place.

The people may be new, the office may be larger, but the issues will be the same.

Plan your departures. They make arrivals that much more powerful, easier, and pleasant.

1. Discuss individual and shared beliefs about money. Study each other’s personal finances. The wallet is a window into the soul.

2. Discuss individual and shared beliefs about work. Lazy louts can be charming dates.

3. Discuss who is “driving” the relationship understanding that it is the passive party who is really in charge.

4. Find a mental health professional able and qualified to do a Genogram for each of you. This exercise alone will give you mounds of personal insight. If you act on gained insight, you will save yourself a lot of pain. Family patterns are more powerful than love.

5. Meet as many people as possible from both immediate and extended families. Who is cut off from whom (no matter what the reasons), who is “in” and who is “out,” will tell you volumes about how your “own” family will turn out if you proceed and marry.

Over the years, and just like you probably do, I have learned to listen for what is not being said, what’s intentionally omitted.

I know that what people don’t tell me is usually more powerful than what they do choose tell me.

Of course, this thinking, if you are sitting on your own mountain of unresolved material, can be dangerous if you want to be an authentic, helpful listener.

If you have gaping unresolved matters with your own family, within your own relationships, or if you are immersed in denial, then you will hear what you want to hear (or don’t want to hear) every time anyone lets you into his or her life. The person will become an amplifier to what you are refusing to face. You will “hear” yourself not the person talking to you.

A sign (if you need one) of the presence of your interfering unresolved personal material is when you have to repeatedly bite your tongue because everything said (or unsaid) reminds you of something in your life.

This is when the conversation becomes about you.

This is when your life gets in the way of authentic listening.

To under-protect a child is to fail to provide reasonable and necessary safeguards in a world that is sometimes unsafe. This can make a child feel alone, lost, and vulnerable.

Sane parents want neither extreme.

You are probably over-protecting your baby or child (age is irrelevant) if you:

1. Have no time away from your baby or child.
2. Feel constantly on duty.
3. Routinely plan for “the worst.”
4. Believe no one else can really adequately care for your baby or child.

You are probably under-protecting your baby or child if:

1. Your own needs, wants make you deaf, blind to what your child, needs, or to what he or she is doing.
2. You use the TV or games to babysit for greater lengths of time than you, yourself, are willing to engage your child.
3. You have become resigned to consider yourself “powerless” over your child’s choice of friends and activities.
4. Your parenting has been sideswiped by a new romantic interest or job.

The deepest recess of self, soul, spirit

I’ve encountered men and women within whom I have discerned a “wounded” or a “broken” spirit – and visited it within myself on many an occasion. We are all somewhat internally battle-scarred – some more than others.

The spirit (engine room, core of the being, the deepest place within, the spiritual center) has received some lasting infliction.

Despite human resiliency, enduring rejection, or exposure to physical, sexual, or emotional violence, the “nurturing” of an alcoholic or unstable parent, (often a combination of hard circumstances) can wound or break the human spirit.

For the victim perceptions of what is “normal” and loving can be severely distorted. Trust doesn’t come easy even when there have been no rational causes for mistrust.

They might:

• Struggle to receive and to give love and regard it as a bargaining tool.
• Belittle or minimize acts of kindness and regard them with suspicion.
• Deflect compliments and ridicule those who give them.
• Constantly measure love and find it falling short of expectation.

Of course this thoroughly confuses those who genuinely care.

It’s key to not personalize the wounded person’s response to your love or affection. Speak out. Say what you see. Be kind. Firm. Offer a safe haven even if it is held at bay, viewed with suspicion, or shattered by the very persons who most need it.

Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.

To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self.

Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.

Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others (co-workers, family members, neighbors) while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement. (This does not include a former spouse or former in-laws or any situation regarding a romance gone sour.)
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.
16. Paying the price for building, and living within community. I am not suggesting some form of communal or shared living. I am suggesting the differentiated person finds a place with others while also being separate from others.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

(Please PRINT this page and STUDY it. Spread it around your office and among your friends. Read more writers about this concept. The ONLY thing I ask in return is that you let me know you printed it – by leaving a comment – and you SPREAD the word to others.)

2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).

3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.

4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.

5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.

6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.

A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.

You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).

All you need:

(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil

(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you

(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.

BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.

Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.

There is a cost of $29.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY via your email address.

I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.

I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.

I look forward to hearing from you.

A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.

You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).

All you need:

(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil

(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you

(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.

BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.

Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.

There is a cost of $49.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY and via your email address.

I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.

I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.

I look forward to hearing from you.