The manner in which you leave a job (or any relationship, church, or even a marriage) and say goodbye is vitally important.

Desired farewells, in the event of a promotion, should be crafted with great care, if you want greater success in your next similar venture or undertaking. Undesired farewells require the skill of an accomplished artist.

A strong, open, and clear goodbye lends power to the next hello.

If you walk out slamming the literal or figurative door, expressing your frustration as you leave, cut yourself off from the old, speak ill of the place or the people you are leaving, you will unwittingly dump everything wrong or think caused you dissatisfaction from the old into the new. Whatever you refuse to face, whatever you avoid, refuse to talk about, and whatever issues you fail at at least trying to reach at least a semblance of peace and agreement (some relationships really are irreconcilable) will wait in hiding to greet you like an unwelcome welcome mat at your new place.

The people may be new, the office may be larger, but the issues will be the same.

Plan your departures. They make arrivals that much more powerful, easier, and pleasant.

It appears his step-siblings accept your son since he reports liking the visits. Consider this a huge benefit.

Unless something immoral is occurring, I’d suggest you allow the boy to trust his father and establish his own set of relationships with his extended family.

“I realize now that it is not my responsibility to keep their bond strong.  My son’s father is a grown man and he is aware of what he is doing.” (Edited)

Your ex-husband, his new wife and child, and your son, will be diminished while your ex neglects his firstborn son. Let’s hope the man grows up, shows up, and becomes the man I am sure he wants his son to be.

There are no knights in shining armor. You won’t find a good man while you subsidize and rescue leeches. Stop funding your ex immediately. You feel no guilt because you are still somewhat sane. His idiotic actions are his idiotic actions. He did not set himself alight because of anything you did. He set himself alight because he is either highly unstable and he needs professional help (in which case you are of no help to him) or he is highly manipulative (and while you pay for his life you continue to be his victim). He did not set himself alight because he loves you – that is absolute garbage.

Get a life without a man (it is possible) and you might then find one who has a backbone, a reasonable brain, and some healthy pride.

No man will ever see your true worth while your actions continue to deny that you have any.

I can't MAKE you trust me

Trusting a spouse has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with you.

Each person determines his or her levels of trust with all other people – spouse included. If you hadn’t noticed, you trust people in different ways all the time.

I am not suggesting a wayward partner be fully trusted. This is exactly the point. Trust according to your levels of ability to trust, given the history and the circumstances you face.

“Prove I can trust you,” is unfair. If you are one given to suspicion nothing anyone can do will meet your standards. It is likely you will find holes given the most innocent of scenarios. This is the very nature of suspicion. It eats into everything, nothing ultimately satisfies.

A couple shipwrecked by an affair can survive. I have seen it many times. But the couple will face many challenges while the offended partner constantly seeks assurance or repeatedly brings up the past or plays the hurt puppy.

It takes two to tangle – affairs occur in a context.

It takes ONE to be unfaithful – don’t blame your partner for your actions.

It takes two to find reconciliation.

Trust can be fully restored, little by little over an extended period of time.

Mr. or Ms. Unpredictable

You walk on eggshells.

You fear a massive fallout – yet you also wish for it.

You say something honest – then, almost immediately you wish you hadn’t.

You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant or benign a conflict – it will get magnified out of all proportion.

Innocent statements, even vulnerable reflections on your part, will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly and used against you forever.

You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.

You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid.

When you admit fault, or even stupidity, you are at fault and stupid for admitting it.

When you are right you are wrong for saying so or you think you are perfect and trying to show others up.

If you are silent you are avoiding conflict and if you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”

In your intimate whirlpool (more like an emotional tornado) white is black, black is white and the water is very murky.

Innocence is guilt.

Pointing out obvious error is entrapment.

You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs.

You “share” (it’s better described as emotional wrestling) life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.

A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.

You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).

All you need:

(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil

(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you

(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.

BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.

Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.

There is a cost of $29.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY via your email address.

I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.

I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.

I look forward to hearing from you.

A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.

You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).

All you need:

(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil

(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you

(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.

BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.

Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.

There is a cost of $49.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY and via your email address.

I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.

I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.

I look forward to hearing from you.

It's a fine line......

If there are already tensions regarding who the children ought to know and visit then I’d suggest you follow your intuition which suggest you remain out of the tug-of-war.

Children will readily pick up on surrounding stresses and tensions and will ultimately use them to their benefit – and not necessarily to the benefit of the adults who use the children as bargaining chips.

Stay out of conflicts that do not directly involve you. Your daughter and her husband are presumably adult enough to represent themselves in their own battles.

“I maintain death is easier than divorce. Death is final. Everyone rallies around to support you in your time of grief. They keep asking how you are, they include you in their lives, where possible, and check that you aren’t lonely. I know this doesn’t last forever – but I do know that it happens. Some groups make a roster and supply meals for a week or two. Then there’s the anniversary of the death – cards, phone calls, people letting you know they care. Maybe a notice in the Newspaper.

“Divorce, on the other hand, is never final. Friends are uncomfortable with you and most don’t support you in, yes, your time of grief. They don’t ask how you are coping and whether you are lonely. In fact, they almost pretend that nothing has happened and, due to embarrassment, some even avoid you. They don’t realise, unless they’ve been there, that what has happened is a huge emotional upheaval. There’s no anniversary – you remember the date of the final separation, but no one else does. No phone calls, no cards, no friends and relations letting you know they care.

“And, no one brings you a meal!”