I’d suggest you ease up and try to encourage your son to have a girlfriend. Try to get to know the girl yourself.

Your son will probably lie to you if you make telling the truth harder for him than it ought to be.

While I honor your role as a single mother and respect the powerful relationship that you have built with your son, I will remind you that his natural desire to grow and create relationships of his own will ultimately over-power even his dedication and commitment to you.

And when he does this, it will not make you less of a mother but it will reveal that you have indeed been a very good one.

It is not only some exotic insects and creatures that eat their young. I’ve seen parents do it quite regularly. It happened to my friend when we were boys. His mother ate him. She tried to eat me too but I got away. I ran as fast as I could and after I did that once she left me alone. After I ran away that first time I could visit without her making a meal out of me. She knew I knew what she was up to and furthermore, I knew she knew I knew. Before all this “knewing” gets ridiculous I know that because of what we both knew I knew, she didn’t like me much which was okay with me. If you don’t like someone very much you are unlikely to eat him. Knowing made me safe – which I think it usually does.

Mrs. RunAwayBunny (I call her that just for fun) didn’t eat her son all in one bite, it was just slow, steady mouthfuls. Every time he expressed a view that wasn’t also her view, he got tongue lashed. She chewed him out when he showed any desire for independence or if he laughed at anything she didn’t find funny. Then one day it finally happened, she swallowed him altogether. His pinkie toe of his left foot was my very last glimpse of the real him. All this adoration and love wasn’t very pretty.

Of course she “loved him to death” and because he was “so adorable” she could just “eat him up.” So she did. She did spit him out after a few days much like I imagined the whale regurgitated Jonah. Unlike Jonah, my friend stopped thinking, seeing, feeling, and speaking for himself. Something happened when he got swallowed up, I guessed it was getting so near to the womb he’d already left, that stopped him up or it was something to do with getting too much mother juice. She loved him into what she wanted, into seeing things through her eyes, and when he did, she thought these triumphs were remarkable signs of just how much he loved her. She measured his love by how much of him she could occupy even though it was “Mrs. RunAwayBunny” (I’m liking her name more and more and you’ll know why if you’ve read the story) who wanted to occupy him. If this confuses you now you must know how much it confused me then.

We still rode our bikes together and we sometimes still walked through the forest at the bottom of the yard but after she ate him and coughed him up like a cat and a hairball it was like riding my bike with her and walking through the forest with someone who was always careful and afraid. After she loved him to death he wouldn’t cross Blackburn Road when there was no traffic without being terrified.

Yes. One day, as I told you, and because she loved him so completely and she was always willing to sacrifice her needs for him, she ate the boy out of him altogether. I know. I was there. I watched it happen.

“I realize now that it is not my responsibility to keep their bond strong.  My son’s father is a grown man and he is aware of what he is doing.” (Edited)

Your ex-husband, his new wife and child, and your son, will be diminished while your ex neglects his firstborn son. Let’s hope the man grows up, shows up, and becomes the man I am sure he wants his son to be.

I’d suggest your wife be encouraged to have a conversation with a professional regarding what can be a very fulfilling relationship with her son. Many a parent can attach all manner of expectations onto a first-born child and find severe dissonance when the child appears unwilling or unable to meet those undisclosed expectations. A good helper will assist your wife to uncover what expectations she has that are not being fulfilled and help her to modify those expectations accordingly.

“You wrote that successful mothering does end. I feel that I am doing a great job with my 15 year old son. I adore my son, however, I am beginning to ‘let go.’ I am excited about his future and the role that I play in his becoming an independent young man who will leave us to spread his wings. However, I also have a younger son with severe autism. I also feel that I am doing a great job with him but this young man will not be spreading his wings. I am worried about his future and I am not sure that my mothering will end. We don’t have the facilities in South Africa to accommodate my son I really don’t think it is going to be possible to work myself out of this job. Do you have any advice for me?”

Call me. I'd love to help.

Your letter moved me deeply.

It shows once again that there are always exceptions to general measures of emotional and family wellness.

Your letter also reveals the diversity and the beauty seen in families.

As your younger son grows up, and as you develop the support and community you need for your own support, you will all train each other and strengthen each other for the difficult and beautiful road ahead.

It’s like looking left and right and left again before you cross the street. It’s like the in out of breathing or the left and right of walking. Too much of one, neglect of the other, and you’re broadsided. The constant challenge of being my sons’ dad involves the interplay of aloneness and togetherness, between what I must do for myself and what I must do for us, and what I must do for both boys together, and then for each of the boys individually.

How far can you walk if you only use one leg?

How long can you last if you only breathe in or only breathe out?

Both. It’s always both. Stop one, and you fall flat on your face, or a car hits you, or you end up gasping for breath and wonder if you will survive the wonderful journey of parenting.

This morning a South African pastor wrote and asked me for my “10 Commandments for Families” for a sermon he will preach this weekend. Let’s all help him by adding to my list through “comments” …….. here are mine:

Fifteen guidelines for a Health Christian family

 (I am going to assume you are already fully engaged in the basics)

1. Say yes more than you say no. Lift the brakes on safety (caution) and welcome the spirit of adventure. God is not a North American and therefore much more Adventurous and Wild than safe. If you doubt this you have had protected or limited exposure to Scripture and to any church. Let your individual life and family reflect this. This does not mean children should be allowed to play in the traffic. Being adventurous is not synonymous with being ridiculous.
2. Have a valid passport for every member of your family so that you may respond individually (and as a family) to needs for service anywhere in the world at the drop of a hat. How can you “Go into all the world…” if you don’t first have the essential paperwork?
3. Teach your children old fashioned manners like standing for adults, removing caps when talking to an adult (boys), opening doors for women and adults, giving up chairs to elders, eating with a shirt, walking on the traffic side with your mother. If the rest of the world thinks you and your family are a crazy for being well mannered then consider it a compliment. This is one, only one remember, of many ways to “Be not conformed…”
4. Treasure (respect, encourage) individual boundaries. Everyone (even your baby) needs space, distance, separation, unique territory, and un-invaded room to be, to think, and to enjoy. Set these in place day-by-day, week-by-week, and year-by-year, for yourself (you can’t do it for anyone else) and you will see your children will probably (no promises here) do the same.
5. Resist coercion of all forms – even “good” coercion. Every action will get an equal and opposite reaction (yes, even from your angel of a child) so keep this in mind as you try to “force” people to do things. Remember you can only want for yourself. This does not mean children should not be made to brush their teeth.
6. Don’t start anything (behaviors, habits, patterns) you are unlikely you be able to continue. Unless you want to do your child’s homework for him forever don’t do it tonight! I think you get the idea.
7. Don’t obsess about what your children look at, hear, or do with video games, movies, and music. I am not suggesting parents throw caution to the wind but being constantly on duty hardly models “be anxious for nothing.” You’d think Jesus said, “Be anxious about everything,” if you watch some of the “Christian” parents around you. My “rule” (yes, we have rules) is my children can watch, say, eat, smoke, drink – whatever they see me watch, hear me say, watch me eat, smoke or drink. Simple. Remember, that what comes out of you is more important than what goes in you. Your anxiety as a parent is more damaging to your family than anything Lady Gaga, Family Guy, Harry Potter, or World of War-craft can do.
8. Be self-aware. Teach your children to be self-aware. This is not the same as being selfish. Learn to recognize the power and the influence that comes with being human, that comes with living in a family, and that comes with being part of a church family. You are powerful beyond your understanding at the very same time you are not as powerful or as important as you think you are. Get used to this beautiful oxymoron. Your life has influence as an individual, as part of a community, while you are also one person of many.
9. Value obscurity. Enjoy doubt. Celebrate ambiguity. Embrace mystery. Love complexity more you value than certainty, sureness, simplicity and you will live a far less anxious existence. Not only can you not have all the answers you cannot even have most of the questions! Life is beautiful and brutal – and you can’t go too long without both.
10. Put life and responsibility for their own lives into your children’s hands as early as possible. The sooner your sons and daughters get the message that each person is fully responsible for making his or her life meaningful and productive, the better. Blame no one for anything – but take full responsibility for yourself in ever manner possible. Forgive everyone, everything (there are very unusual exceptions). It is impossible to take full responsibility for your life while living a life of blame and finger pointing.
11. Get a life – then you won’t have to take it (your lack of one) out on your children. Giving up your life to rear your children is one of the most ridiculous things the Western church has routinely encouraged. Children can’t take the undivided attention of unfulfilled adults and it’s no wonder they so often grow up and reject everything that’s been unloaded on them in the name of Christianity. If you, the parent, are living a full and beautiful life and enjoying the God of the Universe to the max, your children will be unable to resist wanting to emulate you.
12. Don’t be boring or controlling. Being boring and being a Christian are as impossible as loving others AND trying to control them.
13. Don’t eat your children. Many acts of parenting that I have seen promoted are more like cannibalism than they are like “caring.” Avoid terms like, “He is so beautiful I could just eat him,” because you might. “I just love her to death,” is another one to avoid. You children are not on this Earth to make your life meaningful. You are here to ensure your own life is. This is not selfish. Taking out your lack of life on your kids or consuming them with your unfulfilled dreams is.
14. Practice radical hospitality. This does not mean (only) having Aunt Susie over for lunch knowing she is a frightful bore. It means opening your home to your enemies, to those who hate you, to those who believe in things you don’t believe in. It means loving those who reject you and who work against you.
15. Be generous. Always tip more than expected even if the service sucks – it’s about YOU not the service. A waitress friend tells me the families who pray most urgently in restaurants are the worst tippers. This is a travesty!

Until you see that both you and your husband have been their teachers of this unacceptable behavior nothing will change. He has modeled what is unacceptable behavior in any civilized home. You have given them opportunity to practice their skills by allowing yourself to be their victim.

If I were writing the script (which I know I’m not) you’d take to the hills (actually you’d move in with friends) and leave these sad cases to play their horrible games without you.

No marriage, no mothering, no amount of money, nothing – ought to keep you in a circumstance where you are victimized in your home by the people with whom you ought to be finding love, peace, and safety.

You, and your sanity, are far more valuable than to sit around and allow ill-mannered boys and a man to treat you in this manner.

LOVE
I often feel unconditional love for you and I’d like it to always be so – but I am fallible and my love will often fall short.

TRUST
I’d like to trust you but when you lie something is bruised between us and I find myself second-guessing you – I challenge you to tell the truth as you see it. I’ll try to do the same.

MONEY
You will hear, usually from the financially unstable, that money doesn’t make a person happy – it is a lot easier to be happy if you have money so save as much as you can.

SEX
You will be repeatedly told to avoid sex while you are young and unmarried and be presented with scare-statistics about diseases (mostly curable) and unwanted pregnancies (babies are a blessing). A better reason to avoid sex while you are young is that you do not yet have the emotional maturity to sustain a deeply intimate relationship – and premature sex does your “inner being” a huge disservice. Bad sex (rushed, secret, awkward, uncommitted) when you are young can ruin good sex (vulnerable, willing, fulfilling, mutual, committed) when you are older.