Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

1. You will make it the “right” marriage by making hundreds of daily choices to be faithful, kind, patient, and honorable to your spouse and to all the people within your circle of influence. This is (minding) your (own) business. It has nothing to do with your spouse.

2.  You will be convinced it is the “wrong” marriage if you unfavorably compare your spouse to others and think you are supposed to “feel” love everyday. It is unusual for couples to “feel” love every day. Healthy couples participate in life and mine (uncover, extract) all the love they can out of life’s the daily grind, joys, and challenges.

3.  You will make it the “right” marriage if you focus on your own behavior, attitudes, maturity, growth, and become an expert in your own unselfish behavior.

4.  You will ensure it is the “wrong” marriage if you become an expert in your spouse’s actions, failures, attitudes, and try to fix him or fix her.

5.  You will make it the “right” marriage if you remove any desire to control your spouse and, at the same time, take full responsibility for who you are. No one can control and love the same person at the same time – it is one or the other. Exercise whatever control you do have (and event that is quite limited) over your own behavior.

You are wonderfully equipped to handle this unfortunate event in your now-extended family. You have already seen that anything you do in the immediate has the potential to enable the kind of behavior from both of you that you do not want to sustain.

Stay out of (her) control. Don’t attempt to rescue your son. If you have been taken by surprise you may be sure he also had some of the rug pulled from under his feet. This is his wife and her problem. Leave it to them.

Continue YOUR relationship with him as always despite her rejection of you.

It is NOT about you.

Women who reject their mothers-in-law usually (not always, of course) have unresolved issues with their own parents.

It’s not YOUR wedding (bride and groom). It’s the merging of several tribes, communities, and cultures. The more you are able to include all of the immediate and extended families, the more healthy muscle you are building into your primary relationship. If you cannot negotiate with your families about your wedding, you do not yet have what it takes to be married. Wait until you grow up a little before you want to do something as adult as get married.

Spend as little money as possible even if you are extraordinarily wealthy. Your wedding and your wallet are barometers of how you will treat money for the next 60 years. Be frugal. If you want a flashy day where you spend more than you can afford, you are not yet ready. Wait a while. Life will grow you up.

Obliterate the phrase “it’s just a piece of paper” from your vocabulary if you have used it regarding your marriage contract. If you are even vaguely contemptuous of the legal and religious aspect of marriage you are not yet ready for it.

“I realize now that it is not my responsibility to keep their bond strong.  My son’s father is a grown man and he is aware of what he is doing.” (Edited)

Your ex-husband, his new wife and child, and your son, will be diminished while your ex neglects his firstborn son. Let’s hope the man grows up, shows up, and becomes the man I am sure he wants his son to be.

Yet, the man who is with an alcoholic, ranting wife, or the woman who lives with a chronic womanizer, seems to be oblivious to the fact that things do not have to stay as they are.

He or she seems unaware that, at least in some manner, it is also the issue of the person who allows destruction to continue.

I do not blame the victim. But when the victim continues to stand in the pathway of the victimizer, or benefits from the destructive behavior, then he or she must take some responsibility for allowing its perpetuation.

These matters are complex. Why women stay with violent men, why men remain unreasonably committed to nasty, demeaning women, is a mystery. I know how impossible an escape can feel especially when there are children and houses and careers and pets to consider.

Yet I will continue to tell men and women everywhere that it is possible to have a better future if they, who are in destructive relationships, become willing to take a stand and get out of the pathway of those bent on destroying the people they profess to love.

There are no knights in shining armor. You won’t find a good man while you subsidize and rescue leeches. Stop funding your ex immediately. You feel no guilt because you are still somewhat sane. His idiotic actions are his idiotic actions. He did not set himself alight because of anything you did. He set himself alight because he is either highly unstable and he needs professional help (in which case you are of no help to him) or he is highly manipulative (and while you pay for his life you continue to be his victim). He did not set himself alight because he loves you – that is absolute garbage.

Get a life without a man (it is possible) and you might then find one who has a backbone, a reasonable brain, and some healthy pride.

No man will ever see your true worth while your actions continue to deny that you have any.

The kind of journey you want must be embarked upon and taken alone. While the differentiation of self is not something that you can do together, or that you can even help each other with, it does not mean that you cannot make steps to grow at the same time. It’s your “togetherness” that is the feeding ground for the unique relational difficulties you each have, and so apart-ness or space (and I don’t mean separating) is required for growth to occur. Call me – I’d love to talk with you and assist you to explore this issue.

Willingness and desire to be together, equality between people and complete mutuality are the hallmarks of healthy relationships. Where any form of strong-arm tactics are used, the relationship has already taken a turn to become something harmful to both the parties.

Each of these relationship-poisons (manipulation, domination and intimidation) can be very subtle, coming in different shapes, sizes, and intensities.

Here are some of the evidences of manipulation, intimidation, and domination in a relationship:

1. The relationship has been kept on an unequal footing in order that one person might keep power over another. In a severely controlling relationship, both persons might have forgotten there are choices at all.

2. One person tries to get what he or she wants without declaring what is wanted. In attempting to get what the one person wants, both persons are in some way diminished.

3. One person does not see the other as totally free.

4. One person tries to get what he or she wants through threats or withdrawal.

5. It is expected that every move, thought, and feeling will be reported at least from the less-dominant person to the other. If one person is unwilling to tell all, it is assumed there is something to hide.

6. One person is not free to make plans without consulting or getting permission from the other.

7. One person in the relationship continually evaluates and examines the commitment and love of the other.

8. The dominant person tells the other how they should feel and usually re-scripts any division or disagreement into the appearance of unity.

9. One person feels at liberty to speak for both people and then, is offended when the partner wants to express his or her own views.

10. Desire for self-expression or a distinct voice (by one) is considered betrayal or a lack of trust (by the other).

11. One person expects unilateral support for his or her opinions, choices and desires, declaring somewhat of an attitude which says: If you say you love me then you have to love everything about me, under all conditions, and all of the time.

12. Difference in opinion or having different interests is considered a lack of love, or a lack of respect and commitment.

Simple definitions and a metaphor which might be helpful in considering the three “cancers” of relationships:

Manipulation: playing chess with another person or with people. Maneuvering as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into loving us or doing what we want.

Domination: playing chess with another person or with people as in manipulation. The difference is the dominator has removed the opponent’s pieces without declaring so in the first place.

Intimidation: playing chess with another person or with people where winning and losing comes with either the threat of punishment or actual punishment.

Healthy Relationship: There is no element of either winning or losing; it is not a game. It is free of tactics, ploys, moves, and agendas.

A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.

You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).

All you need:

(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil

(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you

(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.

BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.

Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.

There is a cost of $29.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY via your email address.

I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.

I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.

I look forward to hearing from you.