You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

1. Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
2. Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
3. Are you blaming others for anything?
4. Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
5. Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
6. Are you harboring resentment?
7. Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

You are wonderfully equipped to handle this unfortunate event in your now-extended family. You have already seen that anything you do in the immediate has the potential to enable the kind of behavior from both of you that you do not want to sustain.

Stay out of (her) control. Don’t attempt to rescue your son. If you have been taken by surprise you may be sure he also had some of the rug pulled from under his feet. This is his wife and her problem. Leave it to them.

Continue YOUR relationship with him as always despite her rejection of you.

It is NOT about you.

Women who reject their mothers-in-law usually (not always, of course) have unresolved issues with their own parents.

Living between two biological parents (in the instance of a divorce) can be more difficult than living in two homes. Having two bedrooms in two different places can be unseating, while trying to accommodate competing loyalties can rip a child’s insides apart. Having a stranger move in (even if the step-parent is well known to the child) with mother or father can be very confusing for a child. Sometimes the only options seemingly available to the child are to shut down, reject, or rebel.

Re-marriage with children (made even more complex when there are children merging from both parties) requires great skill and forethought – and this is just when it comes to the children. When there are aggrieved former spouses, all with love for their respective children, all holding opinions on how children ought to be reared, the complexities for all are only further multiplied.

“You wrote that successful mothering does end. I feel that I am doing a great job with my 15 year old son. I adore my son, however, I am beginning to ‘let go.’ I am excited about his future and the role that I play in his becoming an independent young man who will leave us to spread his wings. However, I also have a younger son with severe autism. I also feel that I am doing a great job with him but this young man will not be spreading his wings. I am worried about his future and I am not sure that my mothering will end. We don’t have the facilities in South Africa to accommodate my son I really don’t think it is going to be possible to work myself out of this job. Do you have any advice for me?”

Call me. I'd love to help.

Your letter moved me deeply.

It shows once again that there are always exceptions to general measures of emotional and family wellness.

Your letter also reveals the diversity and the beauty seen in families.

As your younger son grows up, and as you develop the support and community you need for your own support, you will all train each other and strengthen each other for the difficult and beautiful road ahead.

There are no knights in shining armor. You won’t find a good man while you subsidize and rescue leeches. Stop funding your ex immediately. You feel no guilt because you are still somewhat sane. His idiotic actions are his idiotic actions. He did not set himself alight because of anything you did. He set himself alight because he is either highly unstable and he needs professional help (in which case you are of no help to him) or he is highly manipulative (and while you pay for his life you continue to be his victim). He did not set himself alight because he loves you – that is absolute garbage.

Get a life without a man (it is possible) and you might then find one who has a backbone, a reasonable brain, and some healthy pride.

No man will ever see your true worth while your actions continue to deny that you have any.

Over the years, and just like you probably do, I have learned to listen for what is not being said, what’s intentionally omitted.

I know that what people don’t tell me is usually more powerful than what they do choose tell me.

Of course, this thinking, if you are sitting on your own mountain of unresolved material, can be dangerous if you want to be an authentic, helpful listener.

If you have gaping unresolved matters with your own family, within your own relationships, or if you are immersed in denial, then you will hear what you want to hear (or don’t want to hear) every time anyone lets you into his or her life. The person will become an amplifier to what you are refusing to face. You will “hear” yourself not the person talking to you.

A sign (if you need one) of the presence of your interfering unresolved personal material is when you have to repeatedly bite your tongue because everything said (or unsaid) reminds you of something in your life.

This is when the conversation becomes about you.

This is when your life gets in the way of authentic listening.

You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.

Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.

Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.

And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.

You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).

3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.

4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.

5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.

6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.

Ten years is a small price to pay to learn that you are the one who might need to do some changing – many people never discover this.  If your husband is unable to manage his own happiness, why on earth would you think he can take care of yours?

Gather trusted women.

Carefully (slowly) hatch a plan.

Implement it.

Take back your future.

[If you want something better in the future than you have had in the past it won't just happen to you. You must engage in the planning, you have to do something different in the present, if you want the future to look different from the present and the past.]