You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

1. Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
2. Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
3. Are you blaming others for anything?
4. Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
5. Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
6. Are you harboring resentment?
7. Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

1. You will make it the “right” marriage by making hundreds of daily choices to be faithful, kind, patient, and honorable to your spouse and to all the people within your circle of influence. This is (minding) your (own) business. It has nothing to do with your spouse.

2.  You will be convinced it is the “wrong” marriage if you unfavorably compare your spouse to others and think you are supposed to “feel” love everyday. It is unusual for couples to “feel” love every day. Healthy couples participate in life and mine (uncover, extract) all the love they can out of life’s the daily grind, joys, and challenges.

3.  You will make it the “right” marriage if you focus on your own behavior, attitudes, maturity, growth, and become an expert in your own unselfish behavior.

4.  You will ensure it is the “wrong” marriage if you become an expert in your spouse’s actions, failures, attitudes, and try to fix him or fix her.

5.  You will make it the “right” marriage if you remove any desire to control your spouse and, at the same time, take full responsibility for who you are. No one can control and love the same person at the same time – it is one or the other. Exercise whatever control you do have (and event that is quite limited) over your own behavior.

It’s not YOUR wedding (bride and groom). It’s the merging of several tribes, communities, and cultures. The more you are able to include all of the immediate and extended families, the more healthy muscle you are building into your primary relationship. If you cannot negotiate with your families about your wedding, you do not yet have what it takes to be married. Wait until you grow up a little before you want to do something as adult as get married.

Spend as little money as possible even if you are extraordinarily wealthy. Your wedding and your wallet are barometers of how you will treat money for the next 60 years. Be frugal. If you want a flashy day where you spend more than you can afford, you are not yet ready. Wait a while. Life will grow you up.

Obliterate the phrase “it’s just a piece of paper” from your vocabulary if you have used it regarding your marriage contract. If you are even vaguely contemptuous of the legal and religious aspect of marriage you are not yet ready for it.

The manner in which you leave a job (or any relationship, church, or even a marriage) and say goodbye is vitally important.

Desired farewells, in the event of a promotion, should be crafted with great care, if you want greater success in your next similar venture or undertaking. Undesired farewells require the skill of an accomplished artist.

A strong, open, and clear goodbye lends power to the next hello.

If you walk out slamming the literal or figurative door, expressing your frustration as you leave, cut yourself off from the old, speak ill of the place or the people you are leaving, you will unwittingly dump everything wrong or think caused you dissatisfaction from the old into the new. Whatever you refuse to face, whatever you avoid, refuse to talk about, and whatever issues you fail at at least trying to reach at least a semblance of peace and agreement (some relationships really are irreconcilable) will wait in hiding to greet you like an unwelcome welcome mat at your new place.

The people may be new, the office may be larger, but the issues will be the same.

Plan your departures. They make arrivals that much more powerful, easier, and pleasant.

1. Discuss individual and shared beliefs about money. Study each other’s personal finances. The wallet is a window into the soul.

2. Discuss individual and shared beliefs about work. Lazy louts can be charming dates.

3. Discuss who is “driving” the relationship understanding that it is the passive party who is really in charge.

4. Find a mental health professional able and qualified to do a Genogram for each of you. This exercise alone will give you mounds of personal insight. If you act on gained insight, you will save yourself a lot of pain. Family patterns are more powerful than love.

5. Meet as many people as possible from both immediate and extended families. Who is cut off from whom (no matter what the reasons), who is “in” and who is “out,” will tell you volumes about how your “own” family will turn out if you proceed and marry.

Call me. I'd love to help.

An innovative leader educates his co-leaders and co-workers to understand that everyone in the organization is a conductor of group anxiety. He leads others to understand that all who are self-defined (empowered, unafraid, those who are able to speak up) are less likely to amplify or accelerate group anxiety. The defined co-worker will manage group anxiety in helpful, productive ways. The intimidated, dependent, ill-defined co-worker will spread rumor, gossip, and engage in unhelpful, destructive undercurrents within the organization.  

An innovative leader expects sabotage and resistance and understands it is a natural by-product of organizational growth. He resists the urge to blame others for it, to expose it, to reveal its sources. Rather he sees it as essential feedback, crucial to the growth and the well-being of any human institution. He doesn’t “smoke out” resistance. He tries to hear it, to learn from it, to give it an appropriate platform so all within the organization may benefit.

It’s like looking left and right and left again before you cross the street. It’s like the in out of breathing or the left and right of walking. Too much of one, neglect of the other, and you’re broadsided. The constant challenge of being my sons’ dad involves the interplay of aloneness and togetherness, between what I must do for myself and what I must do for us, and what I must do for both boys together, and then for each of the boys individually.

How far can you walk if you only use one leg?

How long can you last if you only breathe in or only breathe out?

Both. It’s always both. Stop one, and you fall flat on your face, or a car hits you, or you end up gasping for breath and wonder if you will survive the wonderful journey of parenting.

Over the years, and just like you probably do, I have learned to listen for what is not being said, what’s intentionally omitted.

I know that what people don’t tell me is usually more powerful than what they do choose tell me.

Of course, this thinking, if you are sitting on your own mountain of unresolved material, can be dangerous if you want to be an authentic, helpful listener.

If you have gaping unresolved matters with your own family, within your own relationships, or if you are immersed in denial, then you will hear what you want to hear (or don’t want to hear) every time anyone lets you into his or her life. The person will become an amplifier to what you are refusing to face. You will “hear” yourself not the person talking to you.

A sign (if you need one) of the presence of your interfering unresolved personal material is when you have to repeatedly bite your tongue because everything said (or unsaid) reminds you of something in your life.

This is when the conversation becomes about you.

This is when your life gets in the way of authentic listening.