Difficult Relationships » Leadership

Symptoms of humility OR signs of a great leader

Rod Smith — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 14:06:43 +0000

You are willing to listen to and learn from everybody.
You listen more than you talk.
You resist the “human” urge to turn all conversations into an opportunity to talk about yourself.
You do not follow the stories of others with something smarter or bigger or better.
You learn from others rather than try to teach them.
You treasure people, all people, of all hues, creeds, backgrounds, and persuasions.
You have time for others, even those who are not in a position to advance your causes.
You know your skills and talents and you use them with gladness.
You refuse requests and tasks that you know you are ill-equipped to perform.
You speak up for yourself.
You do not expect others to determine your needs or desires.
You have an eye for the voiceless and readily give them your ear.
You know the power of love and have long-rejected the love of power.
You persistently seek downward mobility – the desire and the capacity to serve others rather than to be served.
You know your role and your function in your community and you fill it with joy.

If you want to navel gaze, think on these things….

Rod Smith — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:13:58 +0000

Therapists often get a bad rap suggesting they lead clients to “navel gaze” or blame their parents. I have heard amusing tales of therapists who apparently sit and passively listen and offer random, affirming utterances.

You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
Are you blaming others for anything?
Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
Are you harboring resentment?
Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Did you know you are Super Human?

Rod Smith — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 14:46:07 +0000

Five super-human powers we all possess, but some ignore

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

Planning a wedding?

Rod Smith — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:33:59 +0000

A wedding in the family provides a snapshot view of the wellness and the challenges of any family. Here are a few suggestions if you have a wedding on the horizon:

It’s not YOUR wedding (bride and groom). It’s the merging of several tribes, communities, and cultures. The more you are able to include all of the immediate and extended families, the more healthy muscle you are building into your primary relationship. If you cannot negotiate with your families about your wedding, you do not yet have what it takes to be married. Wait until you grow up a little before you want to do something as adult as get married.

Spend as little money as possible even if you are extraordinarily wealthy. Your wedding and your wallet are barometers of how you will treat money for the next 60 years. Be frugal. If you want a flashy day where you spend more than you can afford, you are not yet ready. Wait a while. Life will grow you up.

Obliterate the phrase “it’s just a piece of paper” from your vocabulary if you have used it regarding your marriage contract. If you are even vaguely contemptuous of the legal and religious aspect of marriage you are not yet ready for it.

How you leave is of vital importance…..

Rod Smith — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 14:06:51 +0000

Strong goodbyes make strong hellos possible.

The manner in which you leave a job (or any relationship, church, or even a marriage) and say goodbye is vitally important.

Desired farewells, in the event of a promotion, should be crafted with great care, if you want greater success in your next similar venture or undertaking. Undesired farewells require the skill of an accomplished artist.

A strong, open, and clear goodbye lends power to the next hello.

If you walk out slamming the literal or figurative door, expressing your frustration as you leave, cut yourself off from the old, speak ill of the place or the people you are leaving, you will unwittingly dump everything wrong or think caused you dissatisfaction from the old into the new. Whatever you refuse to face, whatever you avoid, refuse to talk about, and whatever issues you fail at at least trying to reach at least a semblance of peace and agreement (some relationships really are irreconcilable) will wait in hiding to greet you like an unwelcome welcome mat at your new place.

The people may be new, the office may be larger, but the issues will be the same.

Plan your departures. They make arrivals that much more powerful, easier, and pleasant.

To the Leaders from around the world who are in Durban this week…

Rod Smith — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 11:07:16 +0000

Given that Durban is host to the COP 17 event I thought I’d write a few words about leadership, power, and influence in the hope that delegates will read “You and Me” over breakfast:

1. You are only a leader if you have followers. Titles don’t make you a leader, followers do.
2. No matter how important you are, or you think you are, you can be kind to everyone everyday.
3. Leadership starts with your family. If you are inspiring the world but you can’t get on with your immediate family, your message is not worth the paper it’s written on.
4. Leadership is a verb, it’s not a position, it’s not for your honor or for you to wield great power; it’s given to you so you may humbly serve the greater causes of humanity.
5. All fame, stardom, and power are fleeting. Use it well while if you have it.
6. Cleaning up the planet begins first with “cleaning up” your personal life. You cannot effectively strive for a cleaner planet if you trash your spouse or partner.
7. Leadership is about people, relationships, dignity, truth, and service. Enjoy the trappings and the applause but don’t be seduced by any of it.

Should I speak up?

Rod Smith — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 16:14:52 +0000

“My son and his wife visit us and eat meal after meal and leave us to do all the paying and the cleaning. Should I say something? I am beginning to dread their visits. It puts my husband in a bad mood and he goes on at me once they have gone. He’s my son’s stepfather.”

There’s a lot of speaking up necessary in this family.

Yes, speak up to your son and to his wife about contributing to the costs of meals and to the necessary cleanup after meals. Let them know, together, and in one conversation, that you’d enjoy having them over even more if they’d pick up their end of the deal.

Mooching is seldom attractive. Silence about it only makes it worse.

It is rather spineless of your husband to pick on you once your son and his wife have left your home. Remind your husband that he has his own voice and can express his opinions directly to your son and his wife.

This will remove you from the middle, increase your sense of self-worth, and perhaps even result in your living a longer. Little erodes life as effectively as being stuck in the middle of people who won’t speak up and who won’t work things out directly.

Daily (ritual) for those who wish to grow (up)…….

Rod Smith — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 08:31:37 +0000

I will tell the truth to others and to myself.
I will spread goodwill and be an agent of grace.
I will pay my debts and consistently spend less than I earn.
I will be more generous than I can afford.
I will be kind to people of all ages, races, persuasions, religions, and orientations.
I will mind my own business and continue to discover what that is.
I will resist the human urge to overpower others into doing what I want them to do or into being what I want them to be.
I will look for the humor, irony, and often the potential joy in every situation I face.
I will give others, especially those whom I love, room for error.
I will desire to be quick to apologize and to forgive.
I will engage in causes greater than providing for the needs of my family and for myself.
I will speak well of my enemies and detractors and offer them hospitality at every opportunity.

An innovative leader’s role in reducing natural organizational anxiety….

Rod Smith — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:57:29 +0000

An innovative leader invites (invokes, facilitates, encourages) helpful conflict both with himself and among those within his areas of responsibilities. He encourages conversations that lead to greater clarity and understanding of the points of view of others, especially those who are not in his corner.

Call me. I'd love to help.

An innovative leader educates his co-leaders and co-workers to understand that everyone in the organization is a conductor of group anxiety. He leads others to understand that all who are self-defined (empowered, unafraid, those who are able to speak up) are less likely to amplify or accelerate group anxiety. The defined co-worker will manage group anxiety in helpful, productive ways. The intimidated, dependent, ill-defined co-worker will spread rumor, gossip, and engage in unhelpful, destructive undercurrents within the organization.

An innovative leader expects sabotage and resistance and understands it is a natural by-product of organizational growth. He resists the urge to blame others for it, to expose it, to reveal its sources. Rather he sees it as essential feedback, crucial to the growth and the well-being of any human institution. He doesn’t “smoke out” resistance. He tries to hear it, to learn from it, to give it an appropriate platform so all within the organization may benefit.

Healthy leaders expect sabotage and resistance

Rod Smith — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 23:03:48 +0000

Effective, well-defined, visionary leaders expect sabotage. And, when faced with it, the anxious leader will back down, he or she will soft-pedal on his or her initiatives, and permit the saboteurs to reign. While such “failure of nerve” (Ed. Friedman) brings the illusion of peace or tranquility to the system, it leaves the leader less empowered to initiate needed change the next time round.

Call me. I'd love to help.

Backing down turns the saboteurs, often the weakest members of the organization, into its unofficial leaders, and turns the appointed or commissioned leader into a puppet.

The non-anxious leader regards sabotage as essential to growth. He or she welcomes it, and regards it as essential to moving any system into greater health and greater effectiveness.

When the non-anxious leader persists, in the face of sabotage, the saboteurs shake their conspiratorial heads and either they leave the system, or buckle down and become part of the growth.

Of course not all people who are leader-resistant are saboteurs. Not all leader-decisions are wise, but the well-defined, effective, non-anxious leader knows this. He or she becomes an expert in negotiation, and in so doing strengthens his or her power to foster change without feeling constantly blindsided by those who naturally resist all forms of healthy growth.