Every one of us has the human capacity to forgive.

While often a tall order, we have the power to forgive those who hurt us and hurt those whom we love.

This is a distinctly human edge. It is one of our human super-powers.

It frees the forgiver.

Of course this is not easy. Of course there are vulgar, violent acts committed among people.

Of course there are some acts so heinous that they can derail a victim’s life forever.

Yet even lesser transgressions among us seem difficult to forgive.

This is understandable. We like grudges. We have a natural, understandable urge to want to retaliate. It’s part survival. We think we gain some ground if we can hold onto anger or resentment, or even hate, for just a little longer. This is natural.

But we are supernatural. Yes, supernatural. Given time and space to regroup and to think, victims can deploy the power to forgive and forever escape the hold of the offender over the victimized.

Forgiving someone does not necessitate rekindling a relationship, or offering complete trust.

It means letting go, releasing the hurt, for the victim’s sake, not for the sake of the perpetrator.

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

Keep a record of your generosity as an act of self-discipline, not as an act of pride or self-righteousness.

Your daily log will alert you to further possible acts of generosity and kindness.Examples? Give up your seat on a bus. Buy a street person lunch. Make lunch for everyone in your office. Give a friend a possession you know he or she admires. Extravagance on your part is unnecessary, but let your acts reflect your means.The recipient must know about the gift but not necessarily that it comes from you. The recipient must know there are no strings attached.

Let me know you are “in” by joining the GSAED group (GSAED@groups.facebook.com) on Facebook or drop me an email.

Record your daily actions (if you so choose) on the same Facebook page.

Your activity will be an inspiration to others. If you don’t want or have Facebook, send me an email about your daily giving.

Help me spread generosity around the world. We have the resources. Let’s get started and Give Something Away Every Day.

Every time I venture out to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child and try to purchase a gift for someone I love, I am stumped.

What do I buy that will somehow declare the birth of the Son of God?

I don’t have the where-with-all for a gift that marks the birth of a King.

Besides, every time I begin to shop in honor of Baby Jesus, I get images of Him being whipped unmercifully upon a cross.

Blood spurts derail my shopping. I resist the thoughts but they will not go away.

Before I can do much looking around the malls Jesus jumps out of the crib. He’s fully adult, almost running, sometimes dancing, celebrating on the streets and I can hardly keep up. He’s healing people left, right, and center. He’s getting into all kinds of trouble.

I am lost. I am out of control. No, he’s out of control.

He goes to the wrong places. He loves the seedy parts of town. He goes where I have never been before. He mixes with the rejected. He storms City Hall and insults merciless leaders. He is outspoken, scathing to those who are unfair in their business practices. He doesn’t care about rank, stature, or wealth but detests double standards, addresses them at every encounter.

I want to grab him, shove him back in the crib where he was safe, where we were all safer.

When I thought he would stop in at a church or two – perhaps a cathedral built in his honor – he’s off in a smoky bar with washed out losers. He’s talking politics like I have never heard. He’s hot on fairness, justice, mercy, truth. I tell him not to mix politics and religion and blush with the absurdity of it all.

If he would just stay in one place like a baby should is all I can think.

It’s not long before I am in a jostle with the crowds. It’s not the kind of popularity I was expecting.

Prostitutes love him. Drunks defend him. The poorest of the poor, the marginalized, the rejected, are out in their masses. He dances in the streets with street children and people he has just met. Young men and women, piercings and tattoos all over their bodies, circle him celebrate like long lost friends. Then, ignoring ordinances, he feeds the applauding masses.

Now what do I buy?

Clearly, anything I spend, if I am really out to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child, has to be grand. Yet modest. His birth was modest: a shed, a feeding trough. Secrecy. Shame. Danger. Poverty dictated the details for this dramatic night. I cannot spend much. Yet, it was the greatest night Earth had ever seen. Angels sighed! The order of everything disturbed by Love’s intervention.

I tell him he’s ruining things, that he is too quick to befriend the wrong people, but his mind is elsewhere. I beg him to befriend religious leaders, a pastor or two, but he will not listen.

Then, they are up in arms against him.

All but a few want him gone. He’s a hindrance to tourism. He’s a threat to peace and he’s accused him of not attending church!

Next, he looks crucifixion in the eye.

If only he would remain a baby.

It is so much easier to shop for a baby.

The evidence of a lack of healthy self love within any person will permeate all his or her relationships.

A person who does not love himself or herself in a healthy manner will:

1.      Believe he or she can love another into desired change. (“I will love him out of his ….”)

2.      Lose herself or himself to a relationship. (“There’s no ‘me’ anymore, I love her so much.”)

Call me. I'd love to help.

3.      Get into debt to keep a relationship. (“I know we can’t afford this, but…..”)

4.      Sacrifice his or her integrity for a relationship. (“I wouldn’t usually do this, but……”)

5.      Chase one who is running away from a relationship. (“I’ll do anything you want as long as you don’t leave me….”)  

6.      Allows him or herself to be victimized in the name of love. (“He doesn’t mean to be cruel, but….”)

7.      Loses sight of the needs and wishes of others (children, parents, siblings) for the sake of a romantic relationship. (“My kids will eventually understand, but….”)

8.      Eat for the sake of eating, spend for the sake of spending, and engage in sexual activity where there is no relationship or commitment.  (“Got to get what you can when you can….”)

These sentiments deserve challenge.

There is no question that once you are someone’s mother that that is a fact – but mothering does end.

Call me. I'd love to help.

I’d suggest the healthier the mother, the earlier in her child’s life, perhaps beginning around 16 and culminating at around 22, she plans to have worked herself out of a job.

It’s replaced, and the transition is of course gradual, with becoming a respectful friend of one whom she has successfully mothered.

I know this is an unpopular thought. I know so many women are defined by their role as mother. I know I am challenging something primal.

But, successful mothering ends.

Healthy adult men and women want mothers to be friends, first. They don’t want an adult who needs to be a mother in order to exist.

If the sighs cease and the lamenting ends perhaps adult sons and daughters will find staying in touch a whole lot more rewarding and meaningful.

The deepest recess of self, soul, spirit

I’ve encountered men and women within whom I have discerned a “wounded” or a “broken” spirit – and visited it within myself on many an occasion. We are all somewhat internally battle-scarred – some more than others.

The spirit (engine room, core of the being, the deepest place within, the spiritual center) has received some lasting infliction.

Despite human resiliency, enduring rejection, or exposure to physical, sexual, or emotional violence, the “nurturing” of an alcoholic or unstable parent, (often a combination of hard circumstances) can wound or break the human spirit.

For the victim perceptions of what is “normal” and loving can be severely distorted. Trust doesn’t come easy even when there have been no rational causes for mistrust.

They might:

• Struggle to receive and to give love and regard it as a bargaining tool.
• Belittle or minimize acts of kindness and regard them with suspicion.
• Deflect compliments and ridicule those who give them.
• Constantly measure love and find it falling short of expectation.

Of course this thoroughly confuses those who genuinely care.

It’s key to not personalize the wounded person’s response to your love or affection. Speak out. Say what you see. Be kind. Firm. Offer a safe haven even if it is held at bay, viewed with suspicion, or shattered by the very persons who most need it.

It is within my power

I have the ability required (albeit limited) to be a loving, kind, firm, and responsible member of my family, my neighborhood, and my city.

I know how to serve others – and I will do so with a thankful heart.
I know how to listen to others – and I will do so with an attentive ear.
I know how to live a generous life – and I will give and help relieve the suffering of others.

Today, and this weekend, all people in my circle of influence will be better off for knowing me.

Children will get my ear.

The elderly will get my time.

Persons within my most intimate circle will get both.

I will not complain about anything. I will not pick on people. I will not focus on what is wrong with the world, but will try to be part of the healing it so desperately needs. I will live today, and this weekend, with a deep sense of gratitude, paying careful attention to the beauty and the vibrancy of life everywhere.