Every one of us has the human capacity to forgive.

While often a tall order, we have the power to forgive those who hurt us and hurt those whom we love.

This is a distinctly human edge. It is one of our human super-powers.

It frees the forgiver.

Of course this is not easy. Of course there are vulgar, violent acts committed among people.

Of course there are some acts so heinous that they can derail a victim’s life forever.

Yet even lesser transgressions among us seem difficult to forgive.

This is understandable. We like grudges. We have a natural, understandable urge to want to retaliate. It’s part survival. We think we gain some ground if we can hold onto anger or resentment, or even hate, for just a little longer. This is natural.

But we are supernatural. Yes, supernatural. Given time and space to regroup and to think, victims can deploy the power to forgive and forever escape the hold of the offender over the victimized.

Forgiving someone does not necessitate rekindling a relationship, or offering complete trust.

It means letting go, releasing the hurt, for the victim’s sake, not for the sake of the perpetrator.

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

Every time I venture out to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child and try to purchase a gift for someone I love, I am stumped.

What do I buy that will somehow declare the birth of the Son of God?

I don’t have the where-with-all for a gift that marks the birth of a King.

Besides, every time I begin to shop in honor of Baby Jesus, I get images of Him being whipped unmercifully upon a cross.

Blood spurts derail my shopping. I resist the thoughts but they will not go away.

Before I can do much looking around the malls Jesus jumps out of the crib. He’s fully adult, almost running, sometimes dancing, celebrating on the streets and I can hardly keep up. He’s healing people left, right, and center. He’s getting into all kinds of trouble.

I am lost. I am out of control. No, he’s out of control.

He goes to the wrong places. He loves the seedy parts of town. He goes where I have never been before. He mixes with the rejected. He storms City Hall and insults merciless leaders. He is outspoken, scathing to those who are unfair in their business practices. He doesn’t care about rank, stature, or wealth but detests double standards, addresses them at every encounter.

I want to grab him, shove him back in the crib where he was safe, where we were all safer.

When I thought he would stop in at a church or two – perhaps a cathedral built in his honor – he’s off in a smoky bar with washed out losers. He’s talking politics like I have never heard. He’s hot on fairness, justice, mercy, truth. I tell him not to mix politics and religion and blush with the absurdity of it all.

If he would just stay in one place like a baby should is all I can think.

It’s not long before I am in a jostle with the crowds. It’s not the kind of popularity I was expecting.

Prostitutes love him. Drunks defend him. The poorest of the poor, the marginalized, the rejected, are out in their masses. He dances in the streets with street children and people he has just met. Young men and women, piercings and tattoos all over their bodies, circle him celebrate like long lost friends. Then, ignoring ordinances, he feeds the applauding masses.

Now what do I buy?

Clearly, anything I spend, if I am really out to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child, has to be grand. Yet modest. His birth was modest: a shed, a feeding trough. Secrecy. Shame. Danger. Poverty dictated the details for this dramatic night. I cannot spend much. Yet, it was the greatest night Earth had ever seen. Angels sighed! The order of everything disturbed by Love’s intervention.

I tell him he’s ruining things, that he is too quick to befriend the wrong people, but his mind is elsewhere. I beg him to befriend religious leaders, a pastor or two, but he will not listen.

Then, they are up in arms against him.

All but a few want him gone. He’s a hindrance to tourism. He’s a threat to peace and he’s accused him of not attending church!

Next, he looks crucifixion in the eye.

If only he would remain a baby.

It is so much easier to shop for a baby.

The evidence of a lack of healthy self love within any person will permeate all his or her relationships.

A person who does not love himself or herself in a healthy manner will:

1.      Believe he or she can love another into desired change. (“I will love him out of his ….”)

2.      Lose herself or himself to a relationship. (“There’s no ‘me’ anymore, I love her so much.”)

Call me. I'd love to help.

3.      Get into debt to keep a relationship. (“I know we can’t afford this, but…..”)

4.      Sacrifice his or her integrity for a relationship. (“I wouldn’t usually do this, but……”)

5.      Chase one who is running away from a relationship. (“I’ll do anything you want as long as you don’t leave me….”)  

6.      Allows him or herself to be victimized in the name of love. (“He doesn’t mean to be cruel, but….”)

7.      Loses sight of the needs and wishes of others (children, parents, siblings) for the sake of a romantic relationship. (“My kids will eventually understand, but….”)

8.      Eat for the sake of eating, spend for the sake of spending, and engage in sexual activity where there is no relationship or commitment.  (“Got to get what you can when you can….”)

1. If you are bitter and twisted over anything, anyone, from anytime in your life, things will not improve for you. Walk the hard road of forgiveness. No one can help you with this.
2. If you are alienated from anyone in your immediate family for any reason other than sexual or physical violence, things will not improve for you. Walk the hard road of reconciliation. This is something you have to do on your own.
3. If you are a liar (even “little white” lies) and a thief (even small scale) and a con artist (even minor manipulations) you are digging your own relational, emotional, and psychological grave. Walk the hard, lonely, road of coming clean.
4. Take FULL responsibility for your life, choices, attitudes, and your role in where and how things have gone wrong. While you are blaming anyone for anything, and while you see yourself as a victim, your life will not improve and you will continue to feel as if your life is going nowhere worth going.

There you go. No seminar. No hard sell. No expensive books. Do the above and your life will undergo radical improvement. You will be nicer, people will like you more, and you might even begin to sleep really well.

The deepest recess of self, soul, spirit

I’ve encountered men and women within whom I have discerned a “wounded” or a “broken” spirit – and visited it within myself on many an occasion. We are all somewhat internally battle-scarred – some more than others.

The spirit (engine room, core of the being, the deepest place within, the spiritual center) has received some lasting infliction.

Despite human resiliency, enduring rejection, or exposure to physical, sexual, or emotional violence, the “nurturing” of an alcoholic or unstable parent, (often a combination of hard circumstances) can wound or break the human spirit.

For the victim perceptions of what is “normal” and loving can be severely distorted. Trust doesn’t come easy even when there have been no rational causes for mistrust.

They might:

• Struggle to receive and to give love and regard it as a bargaining tool.
• Belittle or minimize acts of kindness and regard them with suspicion.
• Deflect compliments and ridicule those who give them.
• Constantly measure love and find it falling short of expectation.

Of course this thoroughly confuses those who genuinely care.

It’s key to not personalize the wounded person’s response to your love or affection. Speak out. Say what you see. Be kind. Firm. Offer a safe haven even if it is held at bay, viewed with suspicion, or shattered by the very persons who most need it.

It is within my power

I have the ability required (albeit limited) to be a loving, kind, firm, and responsible member of my family, my neighborhood, and my city.

I know how to serve others – and I will do so with a thankful heart.
I know how to listen to others – and I will do so with an attentive ear.
I know how to live a generous life – and I will give and help relieve the suffering of others.

Today, and this weekend, all people in my circle of influence will be better off for knowing me.

Children will get my ear.

The elderly will get my time.

Persons within my most intimate circle will get both.

I will not complain about anything. I will not pick on people. I will not focus on what is wrong with the world, but will try to be part of the healing it so desperately needs. I will live today, and this weekend, with a deep sense of gratitude, paying careful attention to the beauty and the vibrancy of life everywhere.

I can't MAKE you trust me

Trusting a spouse has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with you.

Each person determines his or her levels of trust with all other people – spouse included. If you hadn’t noticed, you trust people in different ways all the time.

I am not suggesting a wayward partner be fully trusted. This is exactly the point. Trust according to your levels of ability to trust, given the history and the circumstances you face.

“Prove I can trust you,” is unfair. If you are one given to suspicion nothing anyone can do will meet your standards. It is likely you will find holes given the most innocent of scenarios. This is the very nature of suspicion. It eats into everything, nothing ultimately satisfies.

A couple shipwrecked by an affair can survive. I have seen it many times. But the couple will face many challenges while the offended partner constantly seeks assurance or repeatedly brings up the past or plays the hurt puppy.

It takes two to tangle – affairs occur in a context.

It takes ONE to be unfaithful – don’t blame your partner for your actions.

It takes two to find reconciliation.

Trust can be fully restored, little by little over an extended period of time.

“I maintain death is easier than divorce. Death is final. Everyone rallies around to support you in your time of grief. They keep asking how you are, they include you in their lives, where possible, and check that you aren’t lonely. I know this doesn’t last forever – but I do know that it happens. Some groups make a roster and supply meals for a week or two. Then there’s the anniversary of the death – cards, phone calls, people letting you know they care. Maybe a notice in the Newspaper.

“Divorce, on the other hand, is never final. Friends are uncomfortable with you and most don’t support you in, yes, your time of grief. They don’t ask how you are coping and whether you are lonely. In fact, they almost pretend that nothing has happened and, due to embarrassment, some even avoid you. They don’t realise, unless they’ve been there, that what has happened is a huge emotional upheaval. There’s no anniversary – you remember the date of the final separation, but no one else does. No phone calls, no cards, no friends and relations letting you know they care.

“And, no one brings you a meal!”