Difficult Relationships » Family

If you want to navel gaze, think on these things….

Rod Smith — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:13:58 +0000

Therapists often get a bad rap suggesting they lead clients to “navel gaze” or blame their parents. I have heard amusing tales of therapists who apparently sit and passively listen and offer random, affirming utterances.

You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
Are you blaming others for anything?
Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
Are you harboring resentment?
Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Leadership

Rod Smith — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 12:42:32 +0000

Leadership and relationship are inseparable – any leader who is unable or unwilling to spend time and energy with the “least” of his or her employees or followers will ultimately fail. This phenomenon is often referred to as the “ivory tower.”
Leadership that creates an “us” and a “them” within an organization will ultimately only be told what they want to hear. They will become so out of touch with their own organization that what the leaders think is happening will become unrecognizable from what is actually happening. This phenomenon is often graphically seen in so-called mega-churches.
Leaders who regard leadership as a position of honor rather than a platform of service, and see their leadership position as a ticket to privilege rather than a gateway to empowering others, will ultimately become suspicious of those who see through their charade. This is often demonstrated in arrogant political figures.
Leaders who regard their position as a function, who regard their undercharges with respect, who are willing to have their ideas shaped and challenged by any and everyone in an organization, are the most likely to foster healthy growth under their care. Such leadership is rare – and the leaders of such organizations often lead without much recognition.

I want my “happy” back

Rod Smith — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 13:48:44 +0000

“I feel as if I am drowning in my marriage. My husband is a good guy for someone else perhaps. We have been together since teenagers now we are in our mid thirties and I’m just not so sure anymore. I desire many qualities that my husband does not have! The main one that he lacks is drive, which has been problematic. I am so tired of struggling and making sure everything appears okay instead of stating the obvious. I want our kids to know that this is not the way to pursue their happiness or truth. Again if it were not for fear-based decisions, lack of self worth, and guidance I would probably be more focused and on target. I love my husband, but not enough to continue this way. I just want my ‘happy’ back. It left years ago!”

You may be drowning in your marriage but it is your seemingly persistent belief that your husband is responsible for your happiness that is holding you under. I’d suggest you stay married AND get your ‘happy’ back. Get some self-help, not marriage help. Get off his case and onto your own.

On another note: I am wading through scores of letters regarding “no strings attached sex” and will run the winner’s response tomorrow.

Practical suggestions to improve any relationship

Rod Smith — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 10:12:32 +0000

I am frequently asked for “practical” suggestions regarding all sorts of unhealthy relationships (intimate, parent-child, co-worker, employee-employer). Here are a few things anyone in a less-than-healthy relationship can do. If you stick to them, you will see change and potentially greater health. This doesn’t mean things will feel better. It means a shift will occur that is likely to foster healthier options and bring you greater fulfillment:

1. Speak up for yourself – don’t allow anyone to speak for you.
2. Focus on the so-called big picture – look at the strengths you bring to the world around you.
3. Let your strengths guide you. You are unlikely to find long-term fulfillment in your life if you are neglecting or avoiding your talents.
4. Shift your focus off others (your spouse, children, in-laws, boss, employees) and anything others are doing or are not doing. Become an expert in your own behavior.
5. Govern yourself and not others.
6. Don’t spread unhelpful news or information about anyone. Monitor very closely what goes in your mouth (food and drink) and out of your mouth (words, texts, writing) as an exercise in establishing healthier boundaries.
7. Take full responsibility for yourself and stop blaming others for anything.
8. Be very generous.

Did you know you are Super Human?

Rod Smith — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 14:46:07 +0000

Five super-human powers we all possess, but some ignore

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

A WEEK after the wedding she shut me off!

Rod Smith — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:52:07 +0000

“My son got married recently. It was a lovely wedding and all was well with my new daughter-in-law. One week after the wedding she shut me off. I have reared boys and have never had sulking people. I have never had to pamper a fragile little girl or an entitled person who has always had her own way. I do not want to do anything that I will have to do for the rest of my life to go out of my way to keep her happy or else she will sulk.” (Edited)

You are wonderfully equipped to handle this unfortunate event in your now-extended family. You have already seen that anything you do in the immediate has the potential to enable the kind of behavior from both of you that you do not want to sustain.

Stay out of (her) control. Don’t attempt to rescue your son. If you have been taken by surprise you may be sure he also had some of the rug pulled from under his feet. This is his wife and her problem. Leave it to them.

Continue YOUR relationship with him as always despite her rejection of you.

It is NOT about you.

Women who reject their mothers-in-law usually (not always, of course) have unresolved issues with their own parents.

Planning a wedding?

Rod Smith — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:33:59 +0000

A wedding in the family provides a snapshot view of the wellness and the challenges of any family. Here are a few suggestions if you have a wedding on the horizon:

It’s not YOUR wedding (bride and groom). It’s the merging of several tribes, communities, and cultures. The more you are able to include all of the immediate and extended families, the more healthy muscle you are building into your primary relationship. If you cannot negotiate with your families about your wedding, you do not yet have what it takes to be married. Wait until you grow up a little before you want to do something as adult as get married.

Spend as little money as possible even if you are extraordinarily wealthy. Your wedding and your wallet are barometers of how you will treat money for the next 60 years. Be frugal. If you want a flashy day where you spend more than you can afford, you are not yet ready. Wait a while. Life will grow you up.

Obliterate the phrase “it’s just a piece of paper” from your vocabulary if you have used it regarding your marriage contract. If you are even vaguely contemptuous of the legal and religious aspect of marriage you are not yet ready for it.

Marrying, with children?

Rod Smith — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:27:57 +0000

The power of a second marriage, following a divorce or a death of a spouse, should not be underestimated in its power to dislodge or upset children. Even when the children appear to be in full agreement of what is happening, even if they have been thoroughly informed about the intentions and the events to come, the adults will be wise to appreciate that adjustments do not come easy.

Living between two biological parents (in the instance of a divorce) can be more difficult than living in two homes. Having two bedrooms in two different places can be unseating, while trying to accommodate competing loyalties can rip a child’s insides apart. Having a stranger move in (even if the step-parent is well known to the child) with mother or father can be very confusing for a child. Sometimes the only options seemingly available to the child are to shut down, reject, or rebel.

Re-marriage with children (made even more complex when there are children merging from both parties) requires great skill and forethought – and this is just when it comes to the children. When there are aggrieved former spouses, all with love for their respective children, all holding opinions on how children ought to be reared, the complexities for all are only further multiplied.

While you are his pawn you will never find love or worth

Rod Smith — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:04:02 +0000

“I am with a man I have known years. A year ago he was involved with another woman who was already living with another man. He chose her over me when I confronted them together. Within two days he had moved back in with me after living near her for a year. Since then he has treated me poorly but has not seen her. I doubt seriously that he loves me. He is not that sexually interested in me as I think he was in her. To me, that means he is still interested in her. I think he is here for his convenience. What should I do?”It is unlikely you will heed my suggestions but here goes: Rid yourself of this “relationship” and try to be without a man for a year or two. While so much of your identity is wrapped up in a man’s response to you, you will be a puppet on a string. It is possible, believe it or not, to be a respectful, mutual, and equal relationship with someone who treasures you and someone whom you treasure. While you are a willing pawn in this awful game you will never find the love and worth you are seeking.

Ten things to tell your children this weekend….

Rod Smith — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 01:26:07 +0000

1. My mistakes do not have to become your mistakes.

2. Your success is up to you.

3. Honesty is more powerful than money but it is nice if you have both.

4. Chase no one for anything.

5. Apologize quickly when you know you are wrong.
6. Try to make a new friend each week.

7. Rock the boat, break the rules, embrace adventure, but hurt no one in the process.

8. Surrender the desire to control others – monitor yourself, not others.

9. The love you have for yourself will be the benchmark for the love you have for others.

10. I love you even though there are times you might feel as if I don’t.