Difficult Relationships » Faith

Did you know you are Super Human?

Rod Smith — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 14:46:07 +0000

Five super-human powers we all possess, but some ignore

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.

Marrying, with children?

Rod Smith — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:27:57 +0000

The power of a second marriage, following a divorce or a death of a spouse, should not be underestimated in its power to dislodge or upset children. Even when the children appear to be in full agreement of what is happening, even if they have been thoroughly informed about the intentions and the events to come, the adults will be wise to appreciate that adjustments do not come easy.

Living between two biological parents (in the instance of a divorce) can be more difficult than living in two homes. Having two bedrooms in two different places can be unseating, while trying to accommodate competing loyalties can rip a child’s insides apart. Having a stranger move in (even if the step-parent is well known to the child) with mother or father can be very confusing for a child. Sometimes the only options seemingly available to the child are to shut down, reject, or rebel.

Re-marriage with children (made even more complex when there are children merging from both parties) requires great skill and forethought – and this is just when it comes to the children. When there are aggrieved former spouses, all with love for their respective children, all holding opinions on how children ought to be reared, the complexities for all are only further multiplied.

The currency of an adult committed relationship

Rod Smith — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:11:28 +0000

Trust. Kindness. Listening. Shared adventures and challenges. Interest in, and support for individual pursuits. Enduring respect. Taking time (almost) every day to listen to each other. Focused interest and focused attention. Eye contact. Absolute confidentiality. Integrity. Truth. Laughter. Accountability. Praise. Recognition for things accomplished. Conversations. Planning holidays. Escaping routines to be together. Phone calls, text messages to keep each other updated about important and unimportant matters. Secret love rituals and a secret love language. All the physical intimacy each person wants. Handwritten letters. Harmless banter. Harmless humor. Respect for each others family. Shared household responsibilities. Inexpensive gifts. Necessary apologies. Being unafraid to express bold, and even unpopular, opinions. Being able to say what you do and do not want. Resilience. Flexibility. Emotional endurance. Compassion. Involvement. Engagement. Assurance. Acceptance. Openness. Transparency.

Ten things to tell your children this weekend….

Rod Smith — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 01:26:07 +0000

1. My mistakes do not have to become your mistakes.

2. Your success is up to you.

3. Honesty is more powerful than money but it is nice if you have both.

4. Chase no one for anything.

5. Apologize quickly when you know you are wrong.
6. Try to make a new friend each week.

7. Rock the boat, break the rules, embrace adventure, but hurt no one in the process.

8. Surrender the desire to control others – monitor yourself, not others.

9. The love you have for yourself will be the benchmark for the love you have for others.

10. I love you even though there are times you might feel as if I don’t.

Do you love yourself in a healthy way?

Rod Smith — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 21:48:15 +0000

Healthy self love underpins all authentic love.

The evidence of a lack of healthy self love within any person will permeate all his or her relationships.

A person who does not love himself or herself in a healthy manner will:

1. Believe he or she can love another into desired change. (“I will love him out of his ….”)

2. Lose herself or himself to a relationship. (“There’s no ‘me’ anymore, I love her so much.”)

Call me. I'd love to help.

3. Get into debt to keep a relationship. (“I know we can’t afford this, but…..”)

4. Sacrifice his or her integrity for a relationship. (“I wouldn’t usually do this, but……”)

5. Chase one who is running away from a relationship. (“I’ll do anything you want as long as you don’t leave me….”)

6. Allows him or herself to be victimized in the name of love. (“He doesn’t mean to be cruel, but….”)

7. Loses sight of the needs and wishes of others (children, parents, siblings) for the sake of a romantic relationship. (“My kids will eventually understand, but….”)

8. Eat for the sake of eating, spend for the sake of spending, and engage in sexual activity where there is no relationship or commitment. (“Got to get what you can when you can….”)

Is there no room for jealousy and possessiveness?

Rod Smith — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 01:54:20 +0000

“You write about jealousy and possessiveness in a relationship as ‘leeching.’ Is there no room for possessiveness or jealousy and is it never an indication of love? Please say more on this topic. While I find your column interesting I also find it tough and hard.” (Question deduced from much longer email)

Call me. I'd love to help.

Loving another well, and one another well, is perhaps the hardest thing we are called to do as humans.

Soppy “love,” filled with possessiveness and moody jealousies, is not love at all. It’s a form of self-preservation, a way of getting attention, a form of manipulation, which is disguised (and not very well, I might say) as love.

It takes a full self, a developed sense of self, a self who is willing and capable of functioning alone, to really enter the powerhouse of mature love.

Of course people need each other. This would be a sad world if there was no need for committed, loving, and beautiful relationships.

Relationships born out of desire, choice, and from fullness, rather than of need, will be relationships that are free of jealousy and possessiveness.

If you “get a life” on your own first, any relationships you have will contribute to the greater wellness of all, rather than become wells from which you are constantly drawing.

In my situation mothering will not end…….

Rod Smith — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 23:29:11 +0000

“You wrote that successful mothering does end. I feel that I am doing a great job with my 15 year old son. I adore my son, however, I am beginning to ‘let go.’ I am excited about his future and the role that I play in his becoming an independent young man who will leave us to spread his wings. However, I also have a younger son with severe autism. I also feel that I am doing a great job with him but this young man will not be spreading his wings. I am worried about his future and I am not sure that my mothering will end. We don’t have the facilities in South Africa to accommodate my son I really don’t think it is going to be possible to work myself out of this job. Do you have any advice for me?”

Call me. I'd love to help.

Your letter moved me deeply.

It shows once again that there are always exceptions to general measures of emotional and family wellness.

Your letter also reveals the diversity and the beauty seen in families.

As your younger son grows up, and as you develop the support and community you need for your own support, you will all train each other and strengthen each other for the difficult and beautiful road ahead.

You won’t find a good man while you rescue leeches…….

Rod Smith — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 13:20:36 +0000

“I divorced but my ex-husband continued to live me. I fell a man who stated texting me. He was living with his ex wife. I got him a place and did everything for him. He cheated and was also sleeping with his ex. I walked away but still wonder why this happened to me. My ex made my life hell and then this man was worse. Then ex-husband set himself alight because I refused to have him in my life. I don’t feel guilt for what he did. Does that make me a bad person? Will I ever stop attracting losers? Is there hope that some man will see my worth and want to give me a better life? My ex-husband survived and I now pay for his boarding and food.” (Edited)

There are no knights in shining armor. You won’t find a good man while you subsidize and rescue leeches. Stop funding your ex immediately. You feel no guilt because you are still somewhat sane. His idiotic actions are his idiotic actions. He did not set himself alight because of anything you did. He set himself alight because he is either highly unstable and he needs professional help (in which case you are of no help to him) or he is highly manipulative (and while you pay for his life you continue to be his victim). He did not set himself alight because he loves you – that is absolute garbage.

Get a life without a man (it is possible) and you might then find one who has a backbone, a reasonable brain, and some healthy pride.

No man will ever see your true worth while your actions continue to deny that you have any.

Enriched is the pastor who……

Rod Smith — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 09:35:28 +0000

Has the support, trust, and the encouragement of the congregation even when unpopular decisions become necessary.
Doesn’t have to combat or interpret a political minefield within the immediate leadership team in order to get meaningful work accomplished.
Is sufficiently aware and respectful of the congregation’s history, yet does not allow the history to compromise its future. (This is harder than can be imagined.)
Is not surrounded by “yes” men and women who, in their inability to appropriately stand up to the pastor, have lost their capacity to think and, as a result of their misplaced loyalties, foster significant disruption in the community. [It's PEACEMAKERS, not PEACEKEEPERS you want as co-leaders, pastor!]
Identifies the inevitable “lunatic fringe” existing in every community and can therefore effectively resist their agendas, ignore and expose their rumors, and be aware of their proclivity to disrupt and damage communities.
Is not engulfed by church members who use religious talk, money or threats to implement their will or their understanding of God’s will.
Is not too busy to have meaningful daily contact with his or her family.
Knows the most dissatisfied (loud, religiously aggressive, “conspiracy driven”) people in the congregation are usually those who are already unhappy at home and who are already difficult to live with.
Does not sacrifice her or his family or personal life for the sake of the congregation, knowing that success at home and church are inextricably connected.
Knows that self-care, self-preservation, self-awareness, are essential, in fact crucial to his or her leadership of a community, and that self-care, self-preservation, and self-awareness are the very antithesis of selfishness despite the chorus (in fact, it is usually the most “needy” members of the choir!) of persons who will try to dissuade him or her otherwise.
Knows that the essence of “giving up his or her life” or “laying down his or her life” for the sake of Jesus and the Gospel requires incredible self-knowledge, self-awareness, and self-preservation, in order that he or she may honestly, and with full integrity, make a meaningful gift of self to the service of God and God’s Kingdom.
Knows that it is as important for him/her to stay grounded in reading Scripture as it is for him or her to be able to see when he/she is being TRIANGLE-D, and of course, how to get out of it.
Knows that so-called “burn out” is not a product of hard work but a product of getting him/herself in the middle of other people’s unresolved problems and issues (or, to be perhaps blunt, to NOT mind his/her own business! Traditional “pastoring” and meddling can be easily confused.)
Knows that morality and integrity are about understanding his or her BOUNDARIES and NOT about his or her KNOWLEDGE, or training, success, or the size of the congregation.
Understands the fallacy of empathy as a helpful or useful means to growing his/her team for a strong future.

Achieving MUCH with YOUR life is a profound act of mothering

Rod Smith — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 02:34:35 +0000

1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).

3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.

4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.

5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.

6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.