You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

1. Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
2. Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
3. Are you blaming others for anything?
4. Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
5. Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
6. Are you harboring resentment?
7. Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Every one of us has the human capacity to forgive.

While often a tall order, we have the power to forgive those who hurt us and hurt those whom we love.

This is a distinctly human edge. It is one of our human super-powers.

It frees the forgiver.

Of course this is not easy. Of course there are vulgar, violent acts committed among people.

Of course there are some acts so heinous that they can derail a victim’s life forever.

Yet even lesser transgressions among us seem difficult to forgive.

This is understandable. We like grudges. We have a natural, understandable urge to want to retaliate. It’s part survival. We think we gain some ground if we can hold onto anger or resentment, or even hate, for just a little longer. This is natural.

But we are supernatural. Yes, supernatural. Given time and space to regroup and to think, victims can deploy the power to forgive and forever escape the hold of the offender over the victimized.

Forgiving someone does not necessitate rekindling a relationship, or offering complete trust.

It means letting go, releasing the hurt, for the victim’s sake, not for the sake of the perpetrator.

It’s not YOUR wedding (bride and groom). It’s the merging of several tribes, communities, and cultures. The more you are able to include all of the immediate and extended families, the more healthy muscle you are building into your primary relationship. If you cannot negotiate with your families about your wedding, you do not yet have what it takes to be married. Wait until you grow up a little before you want to do something as adult as get married.

Spend as little money as possible even if you are extraordinarily wealthy. Your wedding and your wallet are barometers of how you will treat money for the next 60 years. Be frugal. If you want a flashy day where you spend more than you can afford, you are not yet ready. Wait a while. Life will grow you up.

Obliterate the phrase “it’s just a piece of paper” from your vocabulary if you have used it regarding your marriage contract. If you are even vaguely contemptuous of the legal and religious aspect of marriage you are not yet ready for it.

The manner in which you leave a job (or any relationship, church, or even a marriage) and say goodbye is vitally important.

Desired farewells, in the event of a promotion, should be crafted with great care, if you want greater success in your next similar venture or undertaking. Undesired farewells require the skill of an accomplished artist.

A strong, open, and clear goodbye lends power to the next hello.

If you walk out slamming the literal or figurative door, expressing your frustration as you leave, cut yourself off from the old, speak ill of the place or the people you are leaving, you will unwittingly dump everything wrong or think caused you dissatisfaction from the old into the new. Whatever you refuse to face, whatever you avoid, refuse to talk about, and whatever issues you fail at at least trying to reach at least a semblance of peace and agreement (some relationships really are irreconcilable) will wait in hiding to greet you like an unwelcome welcome mat at your new place.

The people may be new, the office may be larger, but the issues will be the same.

Plan your departures. They make arrivals that much more powerful, easier, and pleasant.

2. Your success is up to you.

3. Honesty is more powerful than money but it is nice if you have both.

4. Chase no one for anything.

5. Apologize quickly when you know you are wrong.
6. Try to make a new friend each week.

7. Rock the boat, break the rules, embrace adventure, but hurt no one in the process.

8. Surrender the desire to control others – monitor yourself, not others.

9. The love you have for yourself will be the benchmark for the love you have for others.

10. I love you even though there are times you might feel as if I don’t.

(I am about to present at the ISACS conference in Detroit 11/03/2011)

The evidence of a lack of healthy self love within any person will permeate all his or her relationships.

A person who does not love himself or herself in a healthy manner will:

1.      Believe he or she can love another into desired change. (“I will love him out of his ….”)

2.      Lose herself or himself to a relationship. (“There’s no ‘me’ anymore, I love her so much.”)

Call me. I'd love to help.

3.      Get into debt to keep a relationship. (“I know we can’t afford this, but…..”)

4.      Sacrifice his or her integrity for a relationship. (“I wouldn’t usually do this, but……”)

5.      Chase one who is running away from a relationship. (“I’ll do anything you want as long as you don’t leave me….”)  

6.      Allows him or herself to be victimized in the name of love. (“He doesn’t mean to be cruel, but….”)

7.      Loses sight of the needs and wishes of others (children, parents, siblings) for the sake of a romantic relationship. (“My kids will eventually understand, but….”)

8.      Eat for the sake of eating, spend for the sake of spending, and engage in sexual activity where there is no relationship or commitment.  (“Got to get what you can when you can….”)