Difficult Relationships » Divorce

It took me 5 years to figure out he was homosexual

Rod Smith — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:22:21 +0000

“This is to let you know that I read your newspaper column everyday day. I often keep certain articles to give to friends when the subject might pertain to relevant difficulties they are experiencing. I also keep those that motivate me. I am 51. At 28 and after 8 years of happy marriage my husband left our 18-month baby and me. It took me 5 years to figure out he was homosexual. It was traumatizing and a divorce followed. It was my lowest point ever. A couple of years later he told me he was HIV. On a happy note, he is still living and is healthier than most people that aren’t HIV. This is the trauma I had to face and still do. My daughter went through years of anger and depression. They are now bonded with love. I will never forget the things I had to face and keep to myself for years. There was a time homosexuality was illegal and HIV could cost you your job, family, and friends. I battle to talk about anything as I learnt to be ‘the silent lamb’. You can publish this. I thought you might find it interesting and perhaps help others.”

It all comes back even though I have forgiven

Rod Smith — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:22:35 +0000

“I have long since made a decision to forgive my boyfriend, fiancé, and then husband and the women for his very numerous affairs. I even know some of the women personally. I did this to move on. However, of late, if something triggers a memory of any affair, I get angry and the pain and humiliation and betrayal all return with the same reality I first suffered. I sometimes think I should just leave my husband. I have promised I will leave if he does this just one more time. But will I?”

Your repeated “visits” to the reality of what your husband’s actions did to you and to your marriage, and the degree of debilitation you repeatedly experience, are a testimony to the power of a connection in some, not all, marriages.

Do not let anyone, especially your husband, tell you that these painful moments suggest you have not forgiven fully. Acts of forgiveness do not automatically delete memory or pain.

Women who stay following a partner’s infidelity will often blame love, when it is fear that locks them in a toxic bind.

I don’t know what you will do next time. My prayer is that it will be you, not your husband, and not fear, that will make the choice.

After 5 years I am not feeling the love…….

Rod Smith — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 22:40:54 +0000

“I am not sure I am in the right marriage. After 5 years I am not feeling the love. Please help.”

1. You will make it the “right” marriage by making hundreds of daily choices to be faithful, kind, patient, and honorable to your spouse and to all the people within your circle of influence. This is (minding) your (own) business. It has nothing to do with your spouse.

2. You will be convinced it is the “wrong” marriage if you unfavorably compare your spouse to others and think you are supposed to “feel” love everyday. It is unusual for couples to “feel” love every day. Healthy couples participate in life and mine (uncover, extract) all the love they can out of life’s the daily grind, joys, and challenges.

3. You will make it the “right” marriage if you focus on your own behavior, attitudes, maturity, growth, and become an expert in your own unselfish behavior.

4. You will ensure it is the “wrong” marriage if you become an expert in your spouse’s actions, failures, attitudes, and try to fix him or fix her.

5. You will make it the “right” marriage if you remove any desire to control your spouse and, at the same time, take full responsibility for who you are. No one can control and love the same person at the same time – it is one or the other. Exercise whatever control you do have (and event that is quite limited) over your own behavior.

This is an unfair burden to place on a child…..

Rod Smith — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 09:06:37 +0000

“There’s a battle over where my children should spend Christmas Day. My ex-husband wants them with him and his new wife and his parents at his parent’s house. I want them with me in my home or I will be alone. The children are old enough to choose (14 and 15) but I think it is an unfair burden to place upon any child. Please help.”

I am going to stay out of the middle of the cross-fire by suggesting that ALL (grandparents, new-wife, and dad) the adults sit down TOGETHER in one room and for at least an hour or two and talk this through.

If such a suggestion seems ridiculous to you, and impossible to orchestrate and conduct, your family issues are far deeper than the feelings and the issues that spike at Christmas. Christmas Day is the catalyst for matters that run far deeper, and will trap and confuse the children far more than simply trying to decide where to spend a special day.

It is these unresolved undercurrents that are the real burden placed on children of divorce and which sweep them off their feet when they least expect it.

How do I “move on” now that it is over?

Rod Smith — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:41:59 +0000

I get a steady run of questions about “moving on” after the break up. Here are some ideas and practical suggestions on this tough topic:

You will never “move on”, which I take to mean find freedom, experience an emotional release, and discover a new life with others, while you continue to “hold on” to the promise of reigniting or restoring a dead relationship.You know are “holding on” and have not “let go” if you still believe you are entitled to the relationship, if you deny it’s over, if you bargain for its continuation, or you point fingers to find blame for its demise. These are sure signs of “hanging on.”

If you want change you have to do something new even if it the last thing you feel like doing. Explore new paths. Discover new interests. Willfully seek interests and hobbies and places even if you are not overly motivated or inclined to do so.

Intentional action will ultimately be rewarded.

Joining a new worship community, finding a book club, lingering in new places to meet “new” people will help you set up a structure for a new life in the wake of the one you no longer have.

I can’t tell my family what is going on……

Rod Smith — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:02:53 +0000

“I have been married for almost 10 years. We have 3 children. We haven’t always had a great marriage. Three years ago we started going back to church and it turned our whole marriage around and had a marriage to be envied! For about the last 8 months we had some financial trouble. He stopped going to church. Then he started calling me names, being cruel for no reason. He physically abused me. More than once he kicked us out then he’d would call and tell us to come home. Then told me he didn’t love me. I guess I should have seen this coming. What do I do? I have 3 small children, no job, and not enough money from his job to save anything. I want to move near my parents but I need to find a job. I wait on him hand and foot and try to be loving. I can’t tell any family what is going on. I am tired of lying and making excuses to everyone for him.”

Waiting on anyone “hand and foot” is not helpful in any relationship. It’s time for you to take charge of your own life. Tell your extended families everything, stop rescuing him, and do what’s best for your three children.

You lifted a huge weight off my shoulders…….

Rod Smith — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 09:38:55 +0000

“I read your Mercury column of 21/11 about the child who will not visit his father. A line was of such importance it might as well have been a book. It read: Your son’s relationship with his father is his father’s responsibility – not yours.“This lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. My ex-husband is a wonderful father to our son when he is around. He has remarried and has another child. Our son gets in the way. I have never raised this issue with my ex-husband and I don’t intend to. I have asked my ex-husband to make sure that there are photos of him and our son so that there is not a sudden gap of years and years. I have asked him to take our son out just once a month. He agreed but it has never happened.

“I realize now that it is not my responsibility to keep their bond strong. My son’s father is a grown man and he is aware of what he is doing.” (Edited)

Your ex-husband, his new wife and child, and your son, will be diminished while your ex neglects his firstborn son. Let’s hope the man grows up, shows up, and becomes the man I am sure he wants his son to be.

The blaming is enough to make any child uncomfortable……

Rod Smith — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 11:25:25 +0000

“My son (8) will not visit his father for overnights or weekends. He ‘freezes’ and hides. He’d rather not see his father at all. My ex-husband blames me although he has not said it to my face. I blame my husband and his wife. She is so strict on my son but not on her own children who live with her. She picks on him a lot. What worries me is I can see my son and his father losing interest in each other and then having nothing to do with each other. He’s not much of a dad anyway and isn’t too interested in trying to improve things. Is there any harm in giving into my son and not making him go where he doesn’t feel welcome?” (Edited)

Your son’s relationship with his father is his father’s responsibility – not yours. Do not put yourself in the middle.

The blaming and the finger pointing among the adults is enough to make any child uncomfortable. His “freezing” and hiding is understandable.

Until all the adults (mother, father, step-mother) sit down in the same room for several hours and hash out an acceptable approach to handling this matter – things will continue to deteriorate and the distance between the boy and his father will increase.

A woman writes to other women, 10 years after her divorce

Rod Smith — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 12:45:35 +0000

“Please understand that what I say here is based on personal experience and is meant as encouragement to all women who find themselves on their own. I have been divorced for ten years now and it has been a very difficult and painful time. I have had to re-establish myself as my own person. The divorce has been traumatic and not the rosy, amicable arrangement that my ex seems to think it has been.

“You are women in your own right and as such you are responsible for your own happiness. Our individual happiness is not dependent on another human being – even spouses! It is up to each one of us to find happiness and contentment within ourselves first and foremost.

“It is completely devastating and shattering to lose the love and affection of someone that you love, especially when you were of the opinion that this is what you wanted for the rest of your lives. It is very difficult having to live life as a consequence of someone else’s actions when they directly affect you and you are not in agreement with their decision.

“But, there is hope and the hope is that it is possible to rebuild a new life on your own, even at 60!”

You won’t find a good man while you rescue leeches…….

Rod Smith — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 13:20:36 +0000

“I divorced but my ex-husband continued to live me. I fell a man who stated texting me. He was living with his ex wife. I got him a place and did everything for him. He cheated and was also sleeping with his ex. I walked away but still wonder why this happened to me. My ex made my life hell and then this man was worse. Then ex-husband set himself alight because I refused to have him in my life. I don’t feel guilt for what he did. Does that make me a bad person? Will I ever stop attracting losers? Is there hope that some man will see my worth and want to give me a better life? My ex-husband survived and I now pay for his boarding and food.” (Edited)

There are no knights in shining armor. You won’t find a good man while you subsidize and rescue leeches. Stop funding your ex immediately. You feel no guilt because you are still somewhat sane. His idiotic actions are his idiotic actions. He did not set himself alight because of anything you did. He set himself alight because he is either highly unstable and he needs professional help (in which case you are of no help to him) or he is highly manipulative (and while you pay for his life you continue to be his victim). He did not set himself alight because he loves you – that is absolute garbage.

Get a life without a man (it is possible) and you might then find one who has a backbone, a reasonable brain, and some healthy pride.

No man will ever see your true worth while your actions continue to deny that you have any.