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We can’t export what we don’t have. When we attempt to do so, we participate in precipitating major internal personal disconnections and perpetuate potentially damaging fraud against ourselves.

This is universally true no matter what our means, education, status, or the power and influence we think we may wield.

It is as true for the presidents of nations, heads of universities and multinational corporations, pastors of a local church, teachers, and for mothers and fathers, rich or poor.

It is true for therapists, even those who write a daily newspaper column about matters of mental health and relationships.

The faith of a mustard seed, a humble commitment to truth and authenticity, leads to wellness.

The slightest presence of unaddressed hypocrisy will ultimately blow every one of us apart – even if it does so very slowly.

Clearly you are all in this together – and this observation is not a compliment. Think about it.

Your daughter needs powerful, consistent, psychiatric care, and a severe motivation to live independently of her “growing up” family.

While you are unable to stand up to your mother and consider yourself a victim, you will never be able to run your own home in a manner pleasing to you. Begin there.

You’ve probably seen the cartoons.

My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.

I can be very active in sessions. I can be very quiet. I draw lots of flowcharts (called Genograms), prescribe books, and give many challenges. I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel. I spend zero time cultivating empathy. Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.

This said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:

1. Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
2. Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
3. Are you blaming others for anything?
4. Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
5. Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
6. Are you harboring resentment?
7. Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?

Your repeated “visits” to the reality of what your husband’s actions did to you and to your marriage, and the degree of debilitation you repeatedly experience, are a testimony to the power of a connection in some, not all, marriages.

Do not let anyone, especially your husband, tell you that these painful moments suggest you have not forgiven fully. Acts of forgiveness do not automatically delete memory or pain.

Women who stay following a partner’s infidelity will often blame love, when it is fear that locks them in a toxic bind.

I don’t know what you will do next time. My prayer is that it will be you, not your husband, and not fear, that will make the choice.

1. You want to stay in the relationship and you want to be married.
2. You have a support network outside of your immediate family where you can talk about anything you want to talk about.
3. The alcoholic has admitted he or she has a problem with alcohol and appears motivated to be rid of the disease.
4. He or she is committed to a legitimate recovery program and is part of a community of men and women who are ardently engaged in managing and beating the disease.

Reasons to leave (1 out of 4 suffices):

1. You are exhausted with trying to keep life together and you no longer have the energy to sustain life for more than yourself and your children.
2. Your trust reserves are depleted and you no longer want to be married.
3. You are expected to lie for your spouse as a result of his or her drinking.
4. You are regularly subjected to abuse of any kind.
5. You and your children are subjected to excessive drinking and all that accompanies the life of a drunk.

I’d suggest you ease up and try to encourage your son to have a girlfriend. Try to get to know the girl yourself.

Your son will probably lie to you if you make telling the truth harder for him than it ought to be.

While I honor your role as a single mother and respect the powerful relationship that you have built with your son, I will remind you that his natural desire to grow and create relationships of his own will ultimately over-power even his dedication and commitment to you.

And when he does this, it will not make you less of a mother but it will reveal that you have indeed been a very good one.

Men and women of (growing) integrity:

1.     They live lives where day-to-day actions reflect deeply held values and beliefs.

2.     They are who they say they are, and they are who they want to be.

3.     They tell the truth even when it is convenient to fabricate, yet, they are able to couch “harsh” truth in love and kindness without diluting it.

4.     They are able to discern when it is appropriate, as it often is, to remain silent. They know that not everything they think or know is worth saying or divulging.

5.     They can be trusted to do what is right and to keep their word.

6.     They can be as hard as nails when it comes to matters of honesty, yet compassionate and understanding when others fail.

7.     They value others beyond what others may be able to do for them.

8.     They listen, even when they are told something they’d rather not hear.

9.     They take full responsibility for their lives and blame no one for anything.

10.     They facilitate the growth of others expecting little or nothing in return.

Every one of us has the human capacity to forgive.

While often a tall order, we have the power to forgive those who hurt us and hurt those whom we love.

This is a distinctly human edge. It is one of our human super-powers.

It frees the forgiver.

Of course this is not easy. Of course there are vulgar, violent acts committed among people.

Of course there are some acts so heinous that they can derail a victim’s life forever.

Yet even lesser transgressions among us seem difficult to forgive.

This is understandable. We like grudges. We have a natural, understandable urge to want to retaliate. It’s part survival. We think we gain some ground if we can hold onto anger or resentment, or even hate, for just a little longer. This is natural.

But we are supernatural. Yes, supernatural. Given time and space to regroup and to think, victims can deploy the power to forgive and forever escape the hold of the offender over the victimized.

Forgiving someone does not necessitate rekindling a relationship, or offering complete trust.

It means letting go, releasing the hurt, for the victim’s sake, not for the sake of the perpetrator.

Power 1: Self Definition (day one)

Every one of us has the ability to let the world know exactly we are and exactly who we are not.

This is the power of Self Definition.

It is the capacity to be involved in the development of your own environment, relationships, and ambitions. It is to assume the rightful role of being our own boss or captain. It is taking full responsibility for yourself no matter where or for whom you work, whether you are married or single, or whether you are young or elderly.

It is the power to refuse to cooperate in abusive cycles  – whether you are the perpetrator or the victim – like bullying, manipulating, gossiping, backbiting, retaliating, or worse.

It is the power to design a life that reflects your talents, skills, loves, and passions.

It’s the power to do more of what you love, and less of what you do not love. It’s to resist taking on roles you do not want, or that come to you by default, because other people refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

It’s the power to negotiate and to compromise.

It is not selfish.

Allowing others to define you is.