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Betrayal
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It all comes back even though I have forgiven
31 Jan 2012 by Rod Smith / No Comments
“I have long since made a decision to forgive my boyfriend, fiancé, and then husband and the women for his very numerous affairs. I even know some of the women personally. I did this to move on. However, of late, if something triggers a memory of any affair, I get angry and the pain and humiliation and betrayal all return with the same reality I first suffered. I sometimes think I should just leave my husband. I have promised I will leave if he does this just one more time. But will I?”
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The change from drinking to sober doesn’t mean the end of the problems
27 Jan 2012 by Rod Smith / No Comments
Hi Rod
I appreciated your column in today’s Mercury about having and sustaining a relationship with an alcoholic.
I was married for 28 years. We met when we were both students. He was the life and soul of the party, whereas I am fairly shy, and so I was able to enjoy a great social life without much being demanded of me, as he took the limelight. We married after we had both graduated, moved away from our home towns, and by the time our second baby was born he was out drinking most nights, often returning home well after midnight. During my second stay at the maternity hospital, he didn’t even visit me every day as he was either hungover or drinking. Things deteriorated rapidly, and I didn’t have the courage to leave, so I stayed and mopped up the pieces of our social life whenever he was downright rude to people, or fell asleep in a drunken stupor during dinner parties.
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Your Super-Power #2 – ignore it (the power) at your own peril
09 Jan 2012 by Rod Smith / No Comments
Super-power #2: The Power to Forgive
Every one of us has the human capacity to forgive.
While often a tall order, we have the power to forgive those who hurt us and hurt those whom we love.This is a distinctly human edge. It is one of our human super-powers.
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Should I be upset?
27 Dec 2011 by Rod Smith / No Comments
“We have been together for 6 years. We do not live together. We do not sleep together because of our faith. He says he wants to wait until his kids are finished with college. First it was high school. He feels his daughter would not be comfortable with me living there. This year she put an ornament on the Christmas tree of her dad and his ex. I got upset about it. It’s just so weird. It was a slap in the face to me. I let it go as I do everything. I asked if we could we at least get engaged so people would leave me alone. He talks about our future but does not want to set a date. He gets mad at me if I talk about it. We are both 53. The ornament really upset me. Should I be upset?”
This relationship is for his convenience. He’s duping you. While you are at the mercy of his children’s level of comfort you will never be his wife.
If, and when, you find your own unique voice and stop letting things go, what his daughter places on the tree will be irrelevant.
You are in charge of your future – stop believing and living as if it is in his hands.
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I responded to an electronic invitation I thought was from my lover and my response went to her cell phone
21 Nov 2011 by Rod Smith / 1 Comment
“My 15-year affair was discovered accidently by his wife. I responded to an electronic invitation I thought was from my lover and my response went to her cell phone. I never would have wanted this. I disabled my Facebook account after he called distraught. I have worked very hard to never be discovered. I never wanted to take him from wife and children.
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper.
Life inside the Smith household
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