Comments on: Single mom and growing daughter… http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2008/02/06/single-mom-and-growing-daughter/ Difficult Relationships - honest answers to relationship dilemmas Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:30:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2008/02/06/single-mom-and-growing-daughter/#comment-2551 Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Fri, 01 Aug 2008 07:14:00 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/?p=636#comment-2551 Dear Amy: You could not be more off the mark about who I am or my role with my children if you tried. Thanks for your response. I trust the original writer of the letter will be helped by both of our responses. Rod Smith Dear Amy:

You could not be more off the mark about who I am or my role with my children if you tried.

Thanks for your response.

I trust the original writer of the letter will be helped by both of our responses.

Rod Smith

]]> By: amy http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2008/02/06/single-mom-and-growing-daughter/#comment-2550 amy Fri, 01 Aug 2008 04:01:58 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/?p=636#comment-2550 Rod, you write like someone who either has no kids or who has left the bulk of the childrearing work to his wife or exwife. This woman is trying to tell you that she is already providing her daughter with minimal family environment and structure, because she's doing it all alone and has to earn a living and stay sane. She's worried that once her daughter starts spending more time with friends, there will essentially be no family structure, and hence no guidance and protection. This is a serious danger for girls growing up in single-family homes, and it's part of why the teen pregnancy rate for these girls is so high. Obviously she has to "let the natural process of separation" occur -- it will anyway -- but her question to you is how to do that while maintaining a sense of family for the girl, given very limited time and the fact that there's no one else in the family. A more helpful answer might involve a slow redefinition of the relationship. As the girl gets older, the focus may be not so much on "my relationship with family" but "my relationship with my mother." Stay involved by opening your home to the girl's friends. Chances are one or more of them will need an adult as a confidante anyway. So long as you go easy on that, and don't step on your daughter's toes, you'll still be a presence. Let her come to you whenever, and also let her see a bit of your own vulnerability. In other words, let her begin to see you, just a bit, as a person as well as her mother, and invite her into that relationship, while ocntinuing to help her and be there for her and enforce discipline/opportunities as a mother. Rod, you write like someone who either has no kids or who has left the bulk of the childrearing work to his wife or exwife. This woman is trying to tell you that she is already providing her daughter with minimal family environment and structure, because she’s doing it all alone and has to earn a living and stay sane. She’s worried that once her daughter starts spending more time with friends, there will essentially be no family structure, and hence no guidance and protection. This is a serious danger for girls growing up in single-family homes, and it’s part of why the teen pregnancy rate for these girls is so high.

Obviously she has to “let the natural process of separation” occur — it will anyway — but her question to you is how to do that while maintaining a sense of family for the girl, given very limited time and the fact that there’s no one else in the family.

A more helpful answer might involve a slow redefinition of the relationship. As the girl gets older, the focus may be not so much on “my relationship with family” but “my relationship with my mother.” Stay involved by opening your home to the girl’s friends. Chances are one or more of them will need an adult as a confidante anyway. So long as you go easy on that, and don’t step on your daughter’s toes, you’ll still be a presence. Let her come to you whenever, and also let her see a bit of your own vulnerability. In other words, let her begin to see you, just a bit, as a person as well as her mother, and invite her into that relationship, while ocntinuing to help her and be there for her and enforce discipline/opportunities as a mother.

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