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My wife and best friend had an affair…..
11 Nov 2007 by Rod Smith in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal / 19 Comments
“My wife (15 years) and my best friend of (45 years) had an affair. It was sexual relationship for 5 years. I finally realized what had happened three years after the fact. I find myself in a situation: Do I confront both my wife and my friend? Do I tell everyone about the affair? Do I suggest his wife and I do the same in retaliation? I know that retaliation is not helpful and will only create larger problems. Living with the knowledge by myself is increasingly difficult. My friend and my wife (whom I deeply love) have betrayed me. At this juncture, she seems to be unaware that I know and does not seem to be remorseful enough to ask for forgiveness. Of course, why would she? It makes more sense to deny at all costs.”
The affair has ended but your marriage has not ended. Gently, kindly, individually (not together) and in a somewhat public setting — let (only) your wife and friend know, that you know, what has occurred. Keep details to a minimum.
Do not let your wife or your friend know you will talk individually to both parties.
Such conversations would be an act of love, courage and growth, on your part, and you’d be beginning the process of defining the (personal) hell out of yourself.
Do not look for a discussion with each person, or even for an apology – have the singular goal of letting each person know you know.
About the Author: Rod Smith
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
Idiots – always adults, children were surprisingly patient, – would make me repeat sentences as if a repeat performance of the humiliating uncoordinated gesticulations, my arms and legs flying in all directions, would make for an easier delivery the second time. That I’d just spent every ounce of energy trying to cough it up was lost on them. That I was already thoroughly humiliated was something to which they were blind.“Practice, practice,” they’d say as if stutterers simply didn’t speak enough. “Think before you speak. Now – try that again,” they would declare slowly and loudly as if I was stupid and deaf. These thoughtless people were ignorant of just how much stutterers do think. Too much – which is central to the issue!
If I’d known at twelve or thirteen that the day would come when I’d make a career of public speaking I might have strolled off a high-rise building.
Now it is quite easy to hide. I am very comfortable with crowds.
It’s asking driving directions or ordering food at a drive through where it gets tricky. Sitting in a cozy circle waiting for my turn to introduce myself sends my blood-pressure through the roof. The ticket attendant on the London underground can render me dumb after I’ve just spent days addressing a room full of graduate level adults about Family Systems Theory. I know. It sounds ridiculous.
I was almost immobilized the first time I saw Thulani put himself “on duty” in the event he needed to be my mouthpiece. He did it. No one asked him or appointed him. He just did it.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
Our house is the same, but instead of painting from end to end and back again, I am the guy constantly cleaning, – and, it’s hard to tell.
Where I cleaned and swept and dusted and vacuumed and sponged and sterilized yesterday there are scooters and bicycles (boys), mail in piles (me), books (boys and me), newspapers (me), magazines (me), and socks (boys and Max, the Chihuahua).
Turn my back and the boys and Max are at it again – enjoying life as boys (and a dog) while I find being a cleaning lady quite an exhausting challenge.
There is a point of no return, I’ve noticed, or at least a point of the chaos where I feel compelled to let it all go for a while and I throw up my hands and join in the fun of trashing the place.
But when I clean I like to think I’m just like the guy painting the Bridge, which I can only imagine must be a slow and methodical task.
I do it room by room, starting at one end, the front, in the event that I soon lose interest – then, at least, the front room is somewhat in order. I push it (trash, magazines, books, socks, clothes) all back from the living room, through the piano room, then into the TV room until everything lands up in the kitchen.
Once it hits the kitchen I separate out what’s Max’s – he’s has his own set of toys with which he ruins the house – what’s Nate’s, what’s Thulani’s, and what can be recycled, dumped, restacked on bookshelves, placed in drawers, hung on a hanger, or filed in the “important documents” file I keep losing.
We moved into “122” (creatively named for its street number and which has had very few updates since it was built in 1886) when Thulani was about two – and I have been getting it in order ever since. Nate joined us in 2002. Max, in 2009. The house- attachment, at least for the boys and Max, is strong. When I talk of selling Thulani reminds me that Rhino, the husky that was on the run for nine months and returned to die within a few weeks after we reconnected, is buried in an Air France first class cabin blanket just outside of the kitchen door. Nate reminds me of where the fat goldfish is buried and Thulani ends the litany with his inability to think of living in a house without the large tree in the front yard where he has his brother (and Max) have “peed like boys” (and a dog) for the past several years.
So. I’ll go on painting and, before you send me letters about giving the boys chores and responsibilities and assigning daily tasks and getting on top of it before it gets on top of me let me advise that you are barking up the wrong tree (sorry, Max for the dog metaphor) because we do have all that in place and it does work here and there and off and on.
I know, I know. Consistency is the name of the game for parenting and let me tell you, the ONLY thing that is consistent here is the need to keep going room by room with or without the boys (and Max) to get this little bridge painted one stretch at a time so the world can see just how organized and decent our lives are here at our beloved “122.”
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
I am regularly aware that:- I was discouraged from playing soccer in the “front” yard (in view of the neighbors) with the servant’s children. While this may seem insignificant in the light of other much more severe problems rising from racism, it was huge for me as a child on several fronts. I loved the children and I loved soccer even more. They were excellent soccer players.
- I did attend a segregated school as did almost all white South Africans while there did exist some church schools that were integrated even under Apartheid. I vividly recall my school principal scolding the entire student body (over a thousand white boys) because a domestic worker (a black adult man) was seen walking in the neighborhood wearing a school blazer.
- Although, by no means wealthy, I was waited on hand and foot by a full-time servant.
- In the late 80s I was warned not to pray publicly for Prisoner “Nelson” Mandela from my church pulpit.
- A member of my family did balk at my request that I bring black children to his home-swimming pool to swim.
- Even as late as 1987 I was embarrassed that a young black boy whom I’d “helped” in his squatter camp had shown up at my door unannounced. I recall wondering what the neighbors would think seeing a child arriving at the home for a social visit and not to work in the yard.While I am aware that these are piddly problems in the light of what millions faced under the Apartheid regime, I am also aware that these factors in my immediate environment “shaped” me into believing perverse things (like in my own superiority and in “their” inferiority) about persons of other race groups. More significantly, I am frequently reminded that my children and I could not have shared life as we now do if we were still living in the era of Apartheid.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
That’s the upside.
We are a 10-hour-drive to the nearest coast – and, most of the east coast beaches are not worth the drive. The west coast, which has many wonderful beaches comparable to where I was reared, takes three full days of driving to reach.
Being landlocked is one thing but another is the weather. Indiana weather is erratic, neurotic, and downright psychotic.
Days ago I could’ve (but I didn’t) ice-skated across the street. Now, as I write, there’s a small lake in the street next to the sidewalk from last night’s rain. The weather is so brutal and extreme (it is as hot as blazes in the summers) that when we do drive anywhere (there are no grocery stores in walking distance) the streets are often full of potholes making some of America’s finest suburban streets resemble stretches of road you’d find in a rural stretch of South Africa’s Wild Coast. So, I am exaggerating but really not too much. Washington Boulevard is a challenge to drive right now, you have got to dodge potholes and loose pavement or, unless you drive a tank, you stand to severely damage your suspension.
But I do love living here. My neighbors are some of my best friends. My children are free and safe in the neighborhood and everyone knows everyone’s children. Even as I write Joseph (born a week or so before Thulani) from down the street has wondered into the house and it is quite likely he will eat with us, stay the night, and then wander down back down the street to his home sometime in the morning. His mom and I will talk sometime between now and nightfall unless he of course chooses to wonder off home and be gone just as quickly as he showed up.
Potholes and crazy weather won’t send us running, although we will drive to church in the morning – even though it is really close. I’m not sure I want to brave the elements which could be a snow-storm, an ice storm, the threat of a tornado – or a little or a lot of each. What else could you expect during March in Indiana?
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper. Of course you can go baby-stuff-shopping, get a room painted, stencil yellow ducks on the wall – if you know long enough in advance your child is coming. But painting a bedroom with ducks and rainbows and a pot of gold, and getting a truck load of stuff from your local one-stop baby emporium will only fill your home with a lot of weird and wonderful, and mostly unnecessary, equipment.
Children interrupt everything. It is the child who is really ready to teach you, whether you are or not. Once he arrives he will become the hub of all your scheduling. You will be fine with this because the child is not an interruption to your life but rather, from this point on, central to it.
The baby will make you ready and you can’t really prepare for the baby until he is breathing in the crib right next to your bed.
Life inside the Smith household
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19 Comments
mumbaikar
Sorry to hear that. How do you know of this affair? Are you sure it is not in your mind? Typically people who have hidden behind the door also look behind it. Is your wife suspicious or curious of what you do or might be doing?
If she is not, then she propobably does not care for you.
11 Nov 2007 08:11 am
tobeme
It will take much courage and love to do what Rod has suggested. Your wife or friend cannot undo what has been done. There will be many bridges of trust to rebuild, however it can be done. Go in peace, with love in your heart. Act from your spirit and do no let your ego get in the way.
12 Nov 2007 06:11 pm
To Be Confirmed
Rod’s advice (as ever) is the best course. Be open and honest about it and deal with the reality of the situation not the imagined parts of it.
It is still a very tough situation to be in – I can only imagine the sense of betrayal. Be strong, look for ways to make yourself happier and you will get through it.
13 Nov 2007 06:11 pm
elizabeth
Talk to your wife and see what she wants in your marriage,may be she stasrted this relationship and got traped and dont know how to get out.Six months ago my husband admitted to me that he had mad a mistake with the woman I called my bestfriend.He told me he never loved her, was confused and texted her but from there she started offering herself to him telling him that she wanted to feel is penis inside her and so many other dirty sms. He tried to put her off but of course she was too strong than him,. one day she invited him to her flat but when he got there she straight took him to the bed doom where she was all over him like a dog on heat.He refused to have sexual intercourse with her but instead he used his fingers to satsify her. Who in there right mind would allow a man to use there fingers on them when the penis is there and erect? Iam fighting for my marriage as my husband tells me that hehas always loved me and that he was confused and did not want to do what he did and was very ashamed and sorry for that.
I ave broken from my bfriend as she was not my friend to wath to know the man i love.Be strong and talk things with your wife and trust me ,gates that God opens no man can shut and gates that he closes no man can open.Be blessed.
10 Jan 2008 07:01 am
Dave
I’m sorry but how can you ever trust your husband or wife when they sleep with someone else?
07 Jul 2008 05:07 pm
norma
everybody makes mistake and i think if u still love your wife u should forgive her coz im sure if it was you who did that to her she would have forgiven you especially if u can see she is really sorry for what she did.
12 Sep 2008 12:09 pm
Been there; done that
My friend; Run for your life!!!! I went through the same thing. It ate me alive for 10 years. I swear I flunked out of university in my last semester (would have been summa cum lauda) drank myself into alcoholism to prevent myself from actually literally murdering them You would not believe what it did to me. Any two people who would do that to you deserve nothing but contempt. Trust me, they deserve each other and you deserve one whole lot better than her. Leave. FInd a way to leave. It seems now like you will lose her if you go; right? And that seems like an abyss; right? Like a big fat painful whole in your heart that can only be cured by the love of the person who caused it; right? All 100 percent wrong! The only way for you to heal is to cut her 100 percent out of your life. NOTHING will ever make you forget, nor should you. It took me years to figure that out. Find a new woman. Any woman will do for this purpose; because you will see that not any other woman in the world has done this to you. Only her. Which means, of course, that any other woman in the world has treated you better than her. Any and every woman in the world has treated you better than she has. The first time one of these “anywomen” smile at you, kiss you, flirt with you, are sympathetic to you, have coffee with you, etc. you will begin on the road back. You obviously need love; which is why you are willing to take such crap to keep the broken love you have. So did I and it took me along long time to figure out that a new love, a happier purer love will wash away the old painful one. Don’t live in your pain. You have to leave it behind you. Tell her you are leaving. Tell your “friend” to drop dead. Get out of the vortex of stupid and get back into the sunshine of people who will not screw you. Your life can be whole again, but you’ve got to get the other half back from her. Take it and RUN!
After I did the above, I found the real love and a happy loving life. Don’t wait like I did and waste years. ACT NOW!
04 Oct 2008 08:10 pm
Glenn DeBard
I was absolutely amazed!…reading Rod’s account of his wife and friend having their affair for over 5 years– hit me right between the eyes. My best friend moved in with his wife right next door to us. He was awaiting the arrival of his wife, who was selling their home in another city. While waiting, he was enjoying a sexual relationship with my wife for over 5 yrs as well. I actually discovered evidence to substantiate the affair- to which my wife has denied. I have not confronted my best friend, nor have I told his wife (to seek retaliation?). I am sure his wife would likely want to “pay back” both of our spouses by conducting an affair with me. Believe me, it is all I can do to not do exactly that. I am still married, though not convinced that it is entirely over between my wife and my “best friend”. Given the opportunity again, I am sure they would be back in the saddle very quickly. I do not provide any opportunities…but it is not the way it should be. I should not have to circumvent their sexual activities by spying and preventing opportunities. I have not sat her down to tell her that I am more than suspicous that it happened. …more that I know it definitely did! Should I with both?
08 Oct 2008 06:10 pm
Jake
I agree with Been there; done that, – get the hell out of there. Your relationship will never be the same one again. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it is recoverable. It was over the moment you found out. But good luck with whatever you decide to do.
20 Oct 2008 04:10 pm
lea
I would like to chat with people who husband has had
an affair with my girlfriend for 5 years. I just found out about 90 days ago. I have been married for 30 plus years.
10 Dec 2008 10:12 pm
Son of Brooklyn
I’ve actually been where you were too. We are not the only ones this happen to. My wife of 20 yrs had an affair with a friend who was married with his own children. I caught them red handed sending text messages to each other. My heart fell to the ground. I had no choice because of my moral values to leave her and because I knew him, throw him a beating. Yes I know, many of you think thats wrong and think it will not solve anything. If I didnt know the guy, then I would never have paid him a visit. But he knew me and thats a direct hit on disrespect on me. So I threw him a beating and was taken to court for it. so what. I would the same thing again. I have zero respect for anyone that forgives a spouse for cheating. How can you ever trust that person again? There are certain things in this world that can not be forgiven. I walk away with my dignity, pride and self respect. All of which you would have to give up if you stay with a cheating spouse. So if your willing to do that, that would mean you have no self respect. So don’t expect any from anyone else.
18 Dec 2008 07:12 am
Mathew Philip Mattathu
First of all , I agree with Son of Brooklyn .
Many say that when a wife cheats on her husband , there were reasons . Like she was bored, the guy was working all day et al . Yeah , the husband was toiling at work so both of them could have a great life and she gets bored and cheats . How nice and convenient . Let me make this clear that there are no excuses for cheating . Even if your husband hits you or cheats on you . If he is an asshole , leave him and then do what you want . When you get married, you take some vows regarding fidelity . Stick to it . I mean I am married. I cannot imagine myself cheating on my wife or she cheating on me . We may have problems or fights in the future but that does not mean , one can go and cheat on the other . I believe marriage is for keeps . I get my opportunities to cheat if I want but I do not . It is no sacrifice. If I love my wife , no bitch can force me to cheat . I am sure she can also cheat on me if she wanted but she does not . I do not think it is wrong for a wife to have other male friends or for the husband to have other female friends but there should be limits. It is not about not trusting your spouse . But who knows, her close male friend might be looking for a chance to get into her pants. Even if you can trust your wife , can you trust her male friend ? He might rape your wife or drug her or whatever.
There are so many ways of cheating . Emotional and physical . Both are cheating . Once a cheater , always a cheater in that he or she can always do that again . If you have done something once, you are capable of it again . So , I do not think it is a good idea to forgive a cheater because life will never be the same again . Oh besides, being drunk is no excuse either . I have been sloshed but never did anything wrong . There were many bitches around.
Sorry for using the word bitches. Women are God’s gift to mankind but there are also women who ruin the lives of people . I call those women
19 Dec 2008 08:12 am
vet
Sorry to hear that.
01 Feb 2009 01:02 pm
bill
You did nothing wrong. All this sympathetic dribble about something is wrong, bla bla bla.
They are both back stabbing jerks. Dump her and never, never talk to your alleged friend again.
There are a lot of morons that will try to convince you that you need to do something.
Get new wife and new friends.
(Edited poor grammar and the use of unhelpful language)
31 May 2009 01:05 am
Jose M
After 21 years I found out my wife cheated on me with a single man who I thought was my friend. She also got pregnant and had his child. When the child was small everyone said he looked like me.
Her lover was the same nationality as myself, so that was not hard to misjudge. As the child got into his teens he resembled her lover, but exactly unless you looked at him very closley. The child is 23 yrs old now. One day I asked my wife if “my friend” had ever made a pass at her, she ignored me. About a month later I asked her again. She said he tried to kiss her once. She said she push him back. Then I remembered that 9 month before the child was born I came home early from work and he was at my home visiting.
He said he was waiting for me. The following week he was there again when I came home early.
Neither she nor “my friend” knew I would come home early. I recently came out and asked her if she had an affair and she got upset, but did not deny it. Weeks later I again asked her and then she denied it. I look back and I realized she has no affection for me since the child was born. I stay with her because she was my first real love and I have always loved her. She now accused me that when we were young I cheated on her. I have never cheated on her.
03 Jun 2009 09:06 am
Jose M
jose m- What you wrote reminds me of my wife.
We had a 3 year daughter and my wife said that she wanted to wait 5 years for another child. I used BC an she used birth control. The suddenly she gets pregnant. Later some one told me that the child was from a so-called friend of mine. Istayed and raised the child. He in now 28 years old and he looks so much like his real father.
06 Jul 2009 01:07 am
Carlos
Kick her a...., to the curb!
(Carlos, you can be direct without being disrespectful).
12 Jul 2010 10:07 pm
Carlos
So they’re not “seeing” each other, anymore. And you want to tell them, you know about the affair. Do that and they’ll be “seeing ” each other again, very shortly. If for no other reason, to “discuss” your knowledge. And of course, have just one more fling…… Yeah right! ….1st: Man up. 2nd: Kick his sorry ….. . 3rd: Dump the cheating woman…… Your wimpy attitude, just makes it acceptable to use and disrespect you.
(I edited Carlos’s comment — it while his sentiments are valued and spot on his language leaves a lot to be desired)
12 Jul 2010 10:07 pm
2010 in review | Rod Smith
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