Comments on: Dealing with abusive behavior from someone who as quickly will say they love you… http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/ Difficult Relationships - honest answers to relationship dilemmas Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:30:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Cathy http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1834 Cathy Tue, 03 Aug 2010 20:26:17 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1834 My daughter is very manuplitive and as some of the responses stated most abusive people have no remorse for there actions, she is 21 and her father and I have been divorced for over 14 years but we both parent together, I remarried ( a second time)only to find out that he had a Narcisstic personality I divorced him and it is as if my daughters use this as punishment towards me, I have been away from this person for more then 3 years, yet I find my 21 year old is just as abusive, I have supported her in going to college she has one year left, and she has become extremly lazy she says she is depressed only when you ask her to help or contribute, she did not work the entire summer and expects me to constantly give her money, but she is abusive sometimes violent and will never offer to lend a hand, I really do not feel I should help her when she has no idea how hurful she is, she feels entitelment My daughter is very manuplitive and as some of the responses stated most abusive people have no remorse for there actions,
she is 21 and her father and I have been divorced for over 14 years but we both parent together,

I remarried ( a second time)only to find out that he had a Narcisstic personality I divorced him and it is as if my daughters
use this as punishment towards me, I have been away from this person for more then 3 years,
yet I find my 21 year old is just as abusive, I have supported her in going to college she has one year left,
and she has become extremly lazy she says she is depressed only when you ask her to help or contribute,
she did not work the entire summer and expects me to constantly give her money, but she is abusive sometimes violent and will never offer to lend a hand, I really do not feel I should help her when she has no idea how hurful she is, she feels entitelment

]]> By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1833 Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Sat, 11 Jul 2009 16:15:53 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1833 You will see I have posted your question. Watch the space for replies. Mine will be up in a day or two. You will see I have posted your question. Watch the space for replies. Mine will be up in a day or two.

]]> By: anaida http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1832 anaida Sat, 11 Jul 2009 15:38:39 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1832 hi! i have been married for 8 months to a guy who seemed well-educated and liberated. Alas, barely a few months into the marriage he had a violent outburst and bullied me for 4 hrs for a very trivial thing. In denial and disbelief, I gave him another chance only to see him go off again. He used bad words, made me feel wretched, blamed me for his outbursts and said i 'provoked him'. We started therapy and now, i see him not getting violent. But he is as touchy as ever, argues for 4 hrs and sometimes days even though i beg him to leave me alone. I now feel like he does not regret his behavior even though he says otherwise - he makes demands of me and expects me to fulfill them like nothing really happened instead of showing appreciation that i gave him a chance yet again... in addition, he makes me feel like i am a lowly creature with crude, unrefined thoughts. We started going to a therapist but he lies abt his thoughts... To the outside world, he is the most charming husband. Can he be expected to change? hi! i have been married for 8 months to a guy who seemed well-educated and liberated. Alas, barely a few months into the marriage he had a violent outburst and bullied me for 4 hrs for a very trivial thing. In denial and disbelief, I gave him another chance only to see him go off again. He used bad words, made me feel wretched, blamed me for his outbursts and said i ‘provoked him’. We started therapy and now, i see him not getting violent. But he is as touchy as ever, argues for 4 hrs and sometimes days even though i beg him to leave me alone. I now feel like he does not regret his behavior even though he says otherwise – he makes demands of me and expects me to fulfill them like nothing really happened instead of showing appreciation that i gave him a chance yet again… in addition, he makes me feel like i am a lowly creature with crude, unrefined thoughts. We started going to a therapist but he lies abt his thoughts… To the outside world, he is the most charming husband. Can he be expected to change?

]]> By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1831 Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Sat, 11 Apr 2009 02:39:53 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1831 Dear Eileen: This is most certainly not an easy situation. It seems you have to do all you can to take care of your own well being that you might be better positioned to be strong and steady and immovable with your daughter. Let's hope readers chime in with their support and suggestions for you. Perhaps some of the conflict is coming from the issue of feeling you have little or no support from your husband. I do know that if you give in the virus of your daughter's behavior will only try to take greater and further hold. Let's see what readers come up with. I am a real live person. You have not gotten this response from a machine. I will be thinking of you ad hope you will write again and let me know how things are going. Please browse around the website and read many related articles. Also, please print off the one called Differentiation of Self or Self Differentiation. This is a crucial principle behind good mental health. I'd suggest you try to take your daughter and your family by surprise by being outlandishly healthy and by being very strong and willing to stand up to her and all she offers. It will upset the apple cart but it is a cart she is used to controlling with her behavior. Peace to you. Thanks for being the kind of loving mother you are. Rod Smith Let me know if you want to talk. I will make time for you and I will send you the number. Dear Eileen:

This is most certainly not an easy situation. It seems you have to do all you can to take care of your own well being that you might be better positioned to be strong and steady and immovable with your daughter. Let’s hope readers chime in with their support and suggestions for you. Perhaps some of the conflict is coming from the issue of feeling you have little or no support from your husband. I do know that if you give in the virus of your daughter’s behavior will only try to take greater and further hold.

Let’s see what readers come up with. I am a real live person. You have not gotten this response from a machine.

I will be thinking of you ad hope you will write again and let me know how things are going. Please browse around the website and read many related articles. Also, please print off the one called Differentiation of Self or Self Differentiation. This is a crucial principle behind good mental health.

I’d suggest you try to take your daughter and your family by surprise by being outlandishly healthy and by being very strong and willing to stand up to her and all she offers. It will upset the apple cart but it is a cart she is used to controlling with her behavior.

Peace to you. Thanks for being the kind of loving mother you are.

Rod Smith

Let me know if you want to talk. I will make time for you and I will send you the number.

]]> By: eileen http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1830 eileen Sat, 11 Apr 2009 01:25:41 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1830 I am dealing with an abusive teen. She has anxiety issues with which we have had professional help. She can be very caring and the "outside world" sees her as this lovely helpful sweet thing. At home, however...she uses insults and threats to get her own way. When confronted, she becomes angry and even more abusive! She absolutely knows how to hurt the most with private things and blame. We don't spoil her, and she has had a job of her own for a year and she is an honour student, so there are no problems there. But we are a "one car family" and I do a lot of driving and running her around to school for activities and rehearsals and to her lessons. You would think that she would be appreciative of this time we give up. Things go well for about a month and then she BLOWS!! Refusal to pick something up she has spilled or not wanting to be told that we are too tired to stay up until 3 in the a.m. to go pick her up and ask that she stay home or come home earlier. She hits her older sister and the insults begin. My husband is stressed and working 3 jobs. I work in a school and I KNOW that this would NEVER be acceptable behaviour there! I tell my husband this, but he would rather keep the peace and give in...no support there and he has a temper as well. I am dealing with an abusive teen. She has anxiety issues with which we have had professional help. She can be very caring and the “outside world” sees her as this lovely helpful sweet thing. At home, however…she uses insults and threats to get her own way. When confronted, she becomes angry and even more abusive! She absolutely knows how to hurt the most with private things and blame. We don’t spoil her, and she has had a job of her own for a year and she is an honour student, so there are no problems there. But we are a “one car family” and I do a lot of driving and running her around to school for activities and rehearsals and to her lessons. You would think that she would be appreciative of this time we give up. Things go well for about a month and then she BLOWS!! Refusal to pick something up she has spilled or not wanting to be told that we are too tired to stay up until 3 in the a.m. to go pick her up and ask that she stay home or come home earlier. She hits her older sister and the insults begin. My husband is stressed and working 3 jobs. I work in a school and I KNOW that this would NEVER be acceptable behaviour there! I tell my husband this, but he would rather keep the peace and give in…no support there and he has a temper as well.

]]> By: Emily http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1829 Emily Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:39:49 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1829 I am similarly dealing with a very abusive brother. He was alIways abusive when I was a teen but I moved away. Now that I got laid off I ended up moving in with my mom wherehe STILL lives. (he never left home). Anyway, to make a long story short I've realized 20 years later that he has not changed. If anything, he takes complete advantage of my mom but then she is dependent on him as her caregiver. Unfortunately, adult protective services were not very supportive. They basically said I didn't have enough evidence and everything I said they made excuses for it for him...I felt really betrayed by the way the system is set up. Unless someone stabs you, you can't do much to find help from government agencies. Therefore it's up to YOU and YOU ONLY to protect yourself. This is someone that says "I really care about you" but then denies medical care when you need it. This is a person that says they act in your best interest but then wants you to hand out to him all of your life savings for "investments" that will benefit the family while leaving you dry... While I did give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he HAD changed, I just realized I re-opened the door for another round of stepping over healthy boundaries. I had to end my relationship with my brother because I had to close the door on the abuse. I am similarly dealing with a very abusive brother. He was alIways abusive when I was a teen but I moved away. Now that I got laid off I ended up moving in with my mom wherehe STILL lives. (he never left home).
Anyway, to make a long story short I’ve realized 20 years later that he has not changed. If anything, he takes complete advantage of my mom but then she is dependent on him as her caregiver. Unfortunately, adult protective services were not very supportive. They basically said I didn’t have enough evidence and everything I said they made excuses for it for him…I felt really betrayed by the way the system is set up. Unless someone stabs you, you can’t do much to find help from government agencies. Therefore it’s up to YOU and YOU ONLY to protect yourself.
This is someone that says “I really care about you” but then denies medical care when you need it. This is a person that says they act in your best interest but then wants you to hand out to him all of your life savings for “investments” that will benefit the family while leaving you dry…
While I did give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he HAD changed, I just realized I re-opened the door for another round of stepping over healthy boundaries. I had to end my relationship with my brother because I had to close the door on the abuse.

]]> By: fekans http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1828 fekans Sat, 09 Aug 2008 09:15:56 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1828 Dont focus inside the circle be like an eagle look at your prey from a far you might see that there are dangers that you dont need to approach, instead find a better prey which you enjoy eating. politely spend time with yourself grt out of thet captive situation the nature of attraction will attract you with the best. Ignore and be yourself. Dont focus inside the circle be like an eagle look at your prey from a far you might see that there are dangers that
you dont need to approach, instead find a better prey which
you enjoy eating. politely spend time with yourself grt
out of thet captive situation the nature of attraction will attract you with the best. Ignore and be yourself.

]]> By: Carla http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1827 Carla Fri, 08 Aug 2008 07:04:39 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1827 I just left my boyfriend because he had anger issues and violent and abusive behavior. It started with name calling, then pushing, then damaged my car, and the final straw was being punched in the face like a man. I am petite female, 138 pounds and 5 foot 3. I was kicked in the face several times and a higher power did not help me escape from him and his rage. I may not be alive today. After being arrested for another incident prior to this, he had the nerve to call me to have me drop the charges. He told me he loved me, brought roses and flowers, candy and thousands of cards to show me he loved me and signed the cards with a ass kicking. Ladies that is not love love doesn't hurt. All of this happened within a ten month period. And my soul kept telling me to leave him alone but I felt he needed me. He played helpless seduced me. He witness abuse when he grew up. To make a long story short. You can't change an abusive person. His been in jail for a few days and my fear is how he will act when he get out. Will I have to look over my shoulder. Will he be upset because I called the police. Then I had to realize. He put himself in this situation because of the bad choices he made. They have to deal with their issues and get some help on their own. You will end up hurt, dead, or emotionallly dead. LEAVE. Somehow someway. I pray for all those who is experienced abuse. And hope God remove that evil spirited person from your life. I just left my boyfriend because he had anger issues and violent and abusive behavior. It started with name calling, then pushing, then damaged my car, and the final straw was being punched in the face like a man. I am petite female, 138 pounds and 5 foot 3. I was kicked in the face several times and a higher power did not help me escape from him and his rage. I may not be alive today. After being arrested for another incident prior to this, he had the nerve to call me to have me drop the charges. He told me he loved me, brought roses and flowers, candy and thousands of cards to show me he loved me and signed the cards with a ass kicking. Ladies that is not love love doesn’t hurt. All of this happened within a ten month period. And my soul kept telling me to leave him alone but I felt he needed me. He played helpless seduced me. He witness abuse when he grew up. To make a long story short. You can’t change an abusive person. His been in jail for a few days and my fear is how he will act when he get out. Will I have to look over my shoulder. Will he be upset because I called the police. Then I had to realize. He put himself in this situation because of the bad choices he made. They have to deal with their issues and get some help on their own. You will end up hurt, dead, or emotionallly dead. LEAVE. Somehow someway. I pray for all those who is experienced abuse. And hope God remove that evil spirited person from your life.

]]> By: PictureChick http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1826 PictureChick Wed, 16 Jan 2008 04:31:55 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1826 Betty B - your son needs to leave. It's your house. Put him out. Betty B – your son needs to leave. It’s your house. Put him out.

]]> By: Rod http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1825 Rod Mon, 31 Dec 2007 03:01:21 +0000 http://rodesmith.com/2007/04/02/dealing-with-abusive-behavior-from-someone-who-as-quickly-will-say-they-love-you/#comment-1825 You might want to consider that he is now an adult -- perhaps it is time for him to move out and be unpleasant to his roommates. I wonder how long others will put up with his behavior. You, having done your share of parenting him, do not need to have someone who treats you poorly live with you. Many 21-year-olds are living outside of their parent's home and do so very well. This would be a "radical shift" on your part. Please keep writing. I look forward to your reply. Rod Smith You might want to consider that he is now an adult — perhaps it is time for him to move out and be unpleasant to his roommates. I wonder how long others will put up with his behavior. You, having done your share of parenting him, do not need to have someone who treats you poorly live with you. Many 21-year-olds are living outside of their parent’s home and do so very well. This would be a “radical shift” on your part.

Please keep writing. I look forward to your reply.

Rod Smith

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