Comments on: Should I discipline my girlfriend’s children? http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/ Difficult Relationships - honest answers to relationship dilemmas Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:30:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: mster http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1771 mster Wed, 16 Feb 2011 17:45:43 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1771 Wow, this thread is quite the eye-opener. I am in a similar situation. I live with my girlfriend and her two kids. First, forget the spanking. I never had to do that with 2 kids I raised in a previous marriage because they had simple, firm rules right from birth. And even though my girlfriend's kids are unruly brats, it still doesn't work. I did try it. All it does is make them mad and resentful. It doesn't teach them to be good. It teaches them only to "watch out for you." So, lesson learned for me. However, in my current experience, even if you back off on that, and simply stick to firm rules, consequences, time-outs, withholding privileges, taking things away, etc, none of that will work if your girlfriend doesn't do the same thing. She oscillates between being very harsh to giving them everything they want, and with me, she oscillates between being apologetic that the kids are so horrible, to thinking I'm a monster because I want her to reign them in. If I try to punish, withhold, take things away, she feels sorry for them and undoes the punishment. Not always, but often, and that's all it takes. If discipline isn't consistent, it is useless. I think that's what you're in for, sir. She will resent you trying to bring in rules or discipline that are not hers, even if it isn't physical. And she may well make things even worse, because she may spoil the kids even more to "make up" for any discipline you try to impart on the kids. That's always dangerous, because to the spoiler, they always think their way works best because when they do it, the kid behaves like a little angel for a while, maybe a day, because he got what he wanted. It's only later that the spoiling rears its ugly head and many parents just can't see that. The reality is that although you are not the kids' father, you are in the role of the primary adult male disciplinarian. Especially if you live together, she has to be willing to let you do that job even though they are her kids, and that's hard for anyone to accept. After all, they are her children. They are her own precious thing. Who are you? The "boyfriend". It will take a long time before you "rate" even close to an even footing in her heart, whether she sees or admits that or not. You have to either agree with her on discipline or this can never work. Wow, this thread is quite the eye-opener. I am in a similar situation. I live with my girlfriend and her two kids.
First, forget the spanking. I never had to do that with 2 kids I raised in a previous marriage because
they had simple, firm rules right from birth. And even though my girlfriend’s kids are unruly brats,
it still doesn’t work. I did try it. All it does is make them mad and resentful. It doesn’t teach them to be good. It teaches them only to “watch out for you.” So, lesson learned for me.

However, in my current experience, even if you back off on that, and simply stick to firm rules, consequences,
time-outs, withholding privileges, taking things away, etc, none of that will work if your girlfriend doesn’t do the same
thing.

She oscillates between being very harsh to giving them everything they want, and with me, she oscillates between
being apologetic that the kids are so horrible, to thinking I’m a monster because I want her to reign them in.
If I try to punish, withhold, take things away, she feels sorry for them and undoes the punishment. Not always,
but often, and that’s all it takes. If discipline isn’t consistent, it is useless.

I think that’s what you’re in for, sir. She will resent you trying to bring in rules or discipline that are not hers,
even if it isn’t physical. And she may well make things even worse, because she may spoil the kids even more to
“make up” for any discipline you try to impart on the kids. That’s always dangerous, because to the
spoiler, they always think their way works best because when they do it, the kid behaves like
a little angel for a while, maybe a day, because he got what he wanted. It’s only later that the spoiling
rears its ugly head and many parents just can’t see that.

The reality is that although you are not the kids’ father, you are in the role of the primary adult male disciplinarian.
Especially if you live together, she has to be willing to let you do that job even though they are her kids,
and that’s hard for anyone to accept. After all, they are her children. They are her own precious thing.
Who are you? The “boyfriend”. It will take a long time before you “rate” even close to an even
footing in her heart, whether she sees or admits that or not.

You have to either agree with her on discipline or this can never work.

]]> By: red http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1770 red Sat, 29 May 2010 03:13:21 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1770 ok, my girlfriend has a 4yrs old boy of a past marriage, i really started this relationship full of hopes and love, but i really dont know when all the wonderfull world started to tranform in a piece of garbage, i think all started when i suggest her to come and live in my house. At the second day they were in my house i wake up that it was a really bad idea to bring them here... Dirty plates, food everywhere, clothes everywhere, disorder, chaos, i started to feel really bad , my health is worse and my nervous are broken with her kid.. sometimes i really hate the boy, the way he manipulates my girfriend... he is destroying our relationship, we have talked about it , and she always says " he's just a kid", but the fact it is that he is an hyperactivity kid with atention deficit disorder, and she doesnt want to medicine him, every time we go to the cinemas we have to leave the movie in the middle because the boy cant be sit in the chair for at least 5 minutes, in the restaurants he always is under the table, throwing the food to the floor, running, annoying, other people in the restaurants are always watching us and it make me feel unbarassed, the boy NEVER has a punishment, latelly he is starting to punch his mother an me, he is always receiving gifts, so the boy doesnt value nothing. I really doubt about the future of my relationship with her, i dont want the boy in my life, i think things will be worst, because im strating to get really angry with him, i dislike even when i heard his name and starting to hate how he smells... She rarely bath him, so he smells like shit, and she makes him to watch tv on my bed.. i hate to go to my bed and feel the smell of her child, i can not rest even in my bedroom... when i pass time with them time flows slowly and im really tired of washing their plates, and make the things of the home for three, sometimes i found myself creating excuses to be more time in work and not in my own house... I really, really love her, thats the reason why i support all the crap, my family says that i must leave her. Date a single mother sucks. ok, my girlfriend has a 4yrs old boy of a past marriage, i really started this relationship full of hopes and love, but i really dont know when all the wonderfull world started to tranform in a piece of garbage, i think all started when i suggest her to come and live in my house. At the second day they were in my house i wake up that it was a really bad idea to bring them here…
Dirty plates, food everywhere, clothes everywhere, disorder, chaos, i started to feel really bad , my health is worse and my nervous are broken with her kid.. sometimes i really hate the boy, the way he manipulates my girfriend… he is destroying our relationship, we have talked about it , and she always says ” he’s just a kid”, but the fact it is that he is an hyperactivity kid with atention deficit disorder, and she doesnt want to medicine him, every time we go to the cinemas we have to leave the movie in the middle because the boy cant be sit in the chair for at least 5 minutes, in the restaurants he always is under the table, throwing the food to the floor, running, annoying, other people in the restaurants are always watching us and it make me feel unbarassed, the boy NEVER has a punishment, latelly he is starting to punch his mother an me, he is always receiving gifts, so the boy doesnt value nothing. I really doubt about the future of my relationship with her, i dont want the boy in my life, i think things will be worst, because im strating to get really angry with him, i dislike even when i heard his name and starting to hate how he smells… She rarely bath him, so he smells like shit, and she makes him to watch tv on my bed.. i hate to go to my bed and feel the smell of her child, i can not rest even in my bedroom… when i pass time with them time flows slowly and im really tired of washing their plates, and make the things of the home for three, sometimes i found myself creating excuses to be more time in work and not in my own house…
I really, really love her, thats the reason why i support all the crap, my family says that i must leave her. Date a single mother sucks.

]]> By: Josh http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1769 Josh Mon, 08 Mar 2010 19:06:16 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1769 I was in this situation with my ex girlfriend and sooner or later she started to see the errors in her ways of spoiling the brat and never doing anything but taking his crap! She eventually let me start disiplining him. As in time out, corner, not video games, and spanking also. Some times it just takes time. Then on the other hand you have these big wierdos that dont think hitting it the right way. I have a kid of my own and he respects me to the fullest and loves me to death. I have grown up with the same treat ment. If you are into biblical at all or christian. There is a scripture in there that say " Parents dont spare the rod" check it out. As for everyone else that doesnt think spanking it the right way. Well all i have to say to you is SUCK IT!! I was in this situation with my ex girlfriend and sooner or later she started to see the errors in her ways of spoiling the brat and never doing anything but taking his crap! She eventually let me start disiplining him. As in time out, corner, not video games, and spanking also. Some times it just takes time. Then on the other hand you have these big wierdos that dont think hitting it the right way. I have a kid of my own and he respects me to the fullest and loves me to death. I have grown up with the same treat ment. If you are into biblical at all or christian. There is a scripture in there that say ” Parents dont spare the rod” check it out. As for everyone else that doesnt think spanking it the right way. Well all i have to say to you is SUCK IT!!

]]> By: warlock http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1768 warlock Sun, 07 Mar 2010 16:58:57 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1768 hi i am 26 and my girlfriend 23 i have e big problem i just find out she was merid and has e child i love her and she loves me but she dident have te strainkth to tell me abaut this and now i am wery depresive my fellings ar brock i am wery bad is the firs time on my life thet a fell soch a pain in my hart i don know wat to do sombadi pleas help me mefor i do somthing stupid i wredhi ned hellp som tims i thin to kill my self ps. i know my english suks if som one liks to hel me plays send me a email fitimshaqiri@hotmail.com hi i am 26 and my girlfriend 23 i have e big problem i just find out she was merid and has e child i love her and she loves me but she dident have te strainkth to tell me abaut this and now i am wery depresive my fellings ar brock i am wery bad is the firs time on my life thet a fell soch a pain in my hart i don know wat to do sombadi pleas help me mefor i do somthing stupid i wredhi ned hellp som tims i thin to kill my self ps. i know my english suks if som one liks to hel me plays send me a email fitimshaqiri@hotmail.com

]]> By: J.G. http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1767 J.G. Sat, 06 Feb 2010 02:55:57 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1767 I initially typed out my long story.. but I'll spare you. Just consider this : Is love really worth a life-time of unhappiness? I initially typed out my long story.. but I’ll spare you. Just consider this : Is love really worth a life-time of unhappiness?

]]> By: l.n. http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1766 l.n. Thu, 21 Jan 2010 07:44:27 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1766 it's not a matter of 'choosing the boyfriend over the kid' or vice versa. if a single mother doesn't have the empathy or intelligence to train her kids to not anger (I, Rod, removed an offensive word) off a good man she wants to keep, she doesn't deserve him. it's not a seller's market for single moms when it comes to finding love again, and they should remember that. i woman i loved dearly would never tell her 6 yr old daughter to 'give me some space', and would get on my back and berate me for not wanting to play with her daughter all the time and for wanting a little occasional adult privacy, even though i was otherwise a very generous and good friend to her daughter. well, i found a woman who is empathetic to my needs, and my ex- now spends christmas alone with her narcissistic daughter and isn't getting younger. if you want to keep a man, don't just assume he is going to be enthralled with your kids underfoot and in his face 24/7. (This reader doesn't use caps for some reason.... it is a good response - I'll approve it despite its lack of sound punctuation). it’s not a matter of ‘choosing the boyfriend over the kid’ or vice versa. if a single mother doesn’t have the empathy or intelligence to train her kids to not anger (I, Rod, removed an offensive word) off a good man she wants to keep, she doesn’t deserve him. it’s not a seller’s market for single moms when it comes to finding love again, and they should remember that. i woman i loved dearly would never tell her 6 yr old daughter to ‘give me some space’, and would get on my back and berate me for not wanting to play with her daughter all the time and for wanting a little occasional adult privacy, even though i was otherwise a very generous and good friend to her daughter. well, i found a woman who is empathetic to my needs, and my ex- now spends christmas alone with her narcissistic daughter and isn’t getting younger. if you want to keep a man, don’t just assume he is going to be enthralled with your kids underfoot and in his face 24/7.

(This reader doesn’t use caps for some reason…. it is a good response – I’ll approve it despite its lack of sound punctuation).

]]> By: steve http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1765 steve Mon, 04 Jan 2010 22:23:10 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1765 lol!!!! that is exactly what is happening in my situation! its the sugar, hunger or being tired that causes the outbursts. never that "mom" argues with the kid and that any threat of punishment never ever happens. my daughter is now refusing to be around us because she is wondering how and why she has to behave and the gf's 2 kids are allowed to be monsters. unfortunately, it is about to end our relationship. i have sat in public too many times embarrassed to death by their behavior. it is sad but i am being asked to help her in controlling the kids but when i do i she defends their actions and then yells at me! i tell her, "if only you would treat your kids the way you treat me, your problem would be solved!" lol!!!! that is exactly what is happening in my situation! its the sugar, hunger or being tired that causes the outbursts. never that “mom” argues with the kid and that any threat of punishment never ever happens. my daughter is now refusing to be around us because she is wondering how and why she has to behave and the gf’s 2 kids are allowed to be monsters. unfortunately, it is about to end our relationship. i have sat in public too many times embarrassed to death by their behavior. it is sad but i am being asked to help her in controlling the kids but when i do i she defends their actions and then yells at me! i tell her, “if only you would treat your kids the way you treat me, your problem would be solved!”

]]> By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1764 Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:41:55 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1764 This would be a tough context for anyone to enter – not because this family is necessarily more difficult than any other, but because there are so many established relationships and permutations that pre-exist you. You won’t “fix” the children or their mother – but you will have to decide how resilient you are in the face of at least 6 people who will all see you, at least at times, as an intruder. This would be a tough context for anyone to enter – not because this family is necessarily more difficult than any other, but because there are so many established relationships and permutations that pre-exist you. You won’t “fix” the children or their mother – but you will have to decide how resilient you are in the face of at least 6 people who will all see you, at least at times, as an intruder.

]]> By: tah http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1763 tah Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:35:21 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1763 Currently, I have a g/f 35 y/o and I am 28. She has 4 kids 18, 17, 14, 13 and a granddaughter just turned 1 in which her 17 is the mother of this child. Everything started out so great, until my job was impacted by a drastic buisness decision which caused me to be layed off from work. Now I have more time to spend with the kids as well as her. Its funny how things comes to light when you come around more right? Well, these kids are very smart when it comes to school work all A B students but the behavior that the kids display is very nerve recking even for myself. Lack of respect for others, and very inconsiderate. Everytime they do something wrong, its brushed off and they are showered with gifts. Lately, Ive just been spending my weekends there but notice that things that I leave by accident when I go home are missing when I get back. Ive expressed several times over and over again how displeased I am with their actions and willing to work with it without making myself feel uncomfortable but honestly the more things that happen and the more that I see, Im ready to call quits. Currently, I have a g/f 35 y/o and I am 28. She has 4 kids 18, 17, 14, 13 and a granddaughter just turned 1 in which her 17 is the mother of this child. Everything started out so great, until my job was impacted by a drastic buisness decision which caused me to be layed off from work. Now I have more time to spend with the kids as well as her. Its funny how things comes to light when you come around more right? Well, these kids are very smart when it comes to school work all A B students but the behavior that the kids display is very nerve recking even for myself. Lack of respect for others, and very inconsiderate. Everytime they do something wrong, its brushed off and they are showered with gifts. Lately, Ive just been spending my weekends there but notice that things that I leave by accident when I go home are missing when I get back. Ive expressed several times over and over again how displeased I am with their actions and willing to work with it without making myself feel uncomfortable but honestly the more things that happen and the more that I see, Im ready to call quits.

]]> By: s http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1762 s Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:42:18 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2007/03/12/should-i-discipline-my-girlfriends-children/#comment-1762 Dating a girl for 5 mos now, she has a 9 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. Noticing more lately that the kids are getting on my nerves. Not well behaved and make quite a mess. Dating a girl for 5 mos now, she has a 9 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. Noticing more lately that the kids are getting on my nerves. Not well behaved and make quite a mess.

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