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When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or want to be married anymore……
23 Nov 2006 by Rod Smith in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence / 362 Comments
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
About the Author: Rod Smith
362 Comments
tobeme
Once the initial shock clears, this is an excellent time to get to know and understand yourself and reflect on what you want out of life, what are your desires and dreams. Often times in a relationship we can get lost in the other persons needs and wants and ignore our own. Take time to re-discover yourself and grow from there.
24 Nov 2006 08:11 am
G Girl
When he says it in an argument and then later retracts it, you walk away wondering just how much he really meant it. Then you begin to reflect on you long 21 year marriage and get lost in what is, what isn’t, and what never had a chance to be. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I want a really great love in my life and I am running out of time.
17 Dec 2006 06:12 pm
Leah
My husband has said several times that he doesn’t love me and marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. We’ve been married less than six months. I feel like my love for him is slowly being stomped out of my heart. After so much emotional abuse, I have no trust in him. We never make love and when we do it’s void of any real intimacy. I feel so unloved. I’m sure if I stay things will only get worse. I have a six year old daughter (not by my husband) and I feel so stupid for making this mistake in uprooting her to a new city to marry my husband, only for it to fall apart so quickly. I feel lower than I ever have in my life.
27 Dec 2006 10:12 am
Davil
Leah,
Get away from this man as quick as possible. Don't wait.
24 Aug 2009 07:08 am
bridgette
Leah, OMG.. What you wrote is exactly me.. Down to the length of marriage, I have a 6 year old little girl. He says the same thing to me.. He is soooo emotionally abusive, and when I have called him on his behavior, he says I don't love you anymore. You make me hate you... I completely understand how you feel.
26 Jan 2011 08:01 am
jolene
I'm going through this right now. I've only been married for 2 months. He said, he doesn't love me anymore, leave him alone, marrying me was the biggest mistake, he doesn't want me, and tonight he's going to have a good time with whoever. I'm so torn because I too moved across the country to be with him again after him messing up before. I gave him another chance when he begged & he hurt me again. There is another woman as of now only after a week since I been gone. how did you cope? Did you guys work out your marriage?
18 Mar 2011 01:03 am
r hernan
I am going through this right now-my husband told me he doesnt love me anymore but we should keep living how we are now for the kids sake-I am in the phase now where I am still in denial that i heard him right since it was only 3 days ago(christmas)!yeah by the way great present right!!!so anyway what would my next step be????
28 Dec 2006 02:12 am
me
sometimes its better for kids to be in two separate divorced households, because both parents are at peace, rather than an tension filled home with two parents that do not want to be with each other.
03 Oct 2010 12:10 pm
Robbin
I stayed for the kids, now my grown up kids tell me I shouldn't have.
13 Nov 2010 11:11 pm
Debbie
My husband started acting differently a couple of weeks ago. He’s been working a lot and I know he is extremely tired. I started suspecting of another woman, but all my leads turned out negative so I questioned him. He completed denied it and said he was just too tired and didn’t even want to talk. But this change was so sudden, just before Christmas, he was the sweetest, loving man alive, very attentive to my needs. Now, after him finding out that I have kept on searching for clues and that I don’t trust him, he has said that he wants a divorce. He claims he wants to be alone. He did say he loved me but not like before. When I question him about it, he gets upset. What does that mean. I don’t want to throw 22 years of marriage away.
02 Jan 2007 07:01 am
Mikki
Debbie, the likelihood that you'll read this after more than a year is slim, but I had to tell you that I'm going through EXACTLY the same thing you were. To the letter, except it's been 8 years. We were married officially 6 months ago, and it's almost over. I have no idea why he changed. What changed. He said my accusing him drove him overboard. I started going to alanon, because it talks about co-dependency there, and it helps. That's all I can really say.
30 May 2009 06:05 pm
Christina
I was involved with a 60 yr old man that i gave my heart to. We were in a relationship for months. He even got me through my pregnancy. He was so loving and there for me. And this last month he jus made me feel like I wasnt of any importance to him. He came up with all these ridiculous exscuses as to why he changed towards me. I believe their all lies. I had found him on this stupid chat line on numerous occasions when he said he was sleeping. I did everything for him, I never denied him of anything. I built him up tellin him how much I loved him and that he was amazing and everything a girl could do for her man, and all of a sudden he breaks up with me. For no good reason. And, I honestly feel there is someone else..that,or and old lady his age. He's in my life as a friend but I cant take bein his friend, it hurts way to much. And he didnt even have intamacy with me at all the last month in our relationship before he broke up with me. Not as much as in the beginning anyways. And I told him time and time before,tell me you dont love me so I dont get anymore attatched to you. But he kept tellin me he loved me and all this bull. When I caught him on the chat I cried to him askin, do you love me..and he said he loved me. I told him then I was breaking up with him and that I was moving on,and that I was gona get over him, then, he said he didnt want me to get over him, he said he loved me, and didnt wana lose me. So for the sake of me n him I swallowed my pride and continued the relationship. I'm young so I dont know much about relationships and how to manipulate some one (not that I ever would) but I feel like he was just stringing me along. That or hes just old and stupid, and has no eyeballs to see he has a pretty,young loving/caring girl that appreciated him and loved him and would do anything for him. But I just think hes miserable living in these retardid fantasys the chat skanks give him because hes incapable of keeping a real relationship. But whatever the exscuse/reason is...I'm suffering for it.
07 Nov 2010 08:11 pm
marie
Debbie, this exact thing is happening to me. We have been married 25 years. Your story is the same in every other respect. It was like night and day. One day he just started acting cold. Before, he was very loving. He works all of the time, and he is not having an affair. We have two children. Do you think there is any hope?
02 Jan 2007 10:01 am
My husband of sixteen yrs says he was unhappy and in pain, doesn't like me , meanwhile we we wound up in bed he is all over me and so comfortable, he says it's when I am upright and clothed, that is the problem. .....What should I do to get him back? He has said I did not make him feel loved, its over we had our time together. HELP
30 Jun 2009 01:06 am
tobeme
Debbie and Marie,
The change in your husband’s behavior is very frustrating and painful to you. This type of change in behavior happens for a reason. Something in their life has changed. We don’t just wake up one morning and make a major change in our behavior to our spouses without some motivation. Communication is the key, if your husband does not want to open up, then I suggest you schedule an appointment with a marriage counsler, if he refuses to go, then you should go alone.
04 Jan 2007 11:01 am
H
Well classic case of "Mid Life Crisis". After being married 28 years my husband decided to move out, actually I told him to move out! He has been having an off and on affair with an asian massage gal who also gives hand jobs. This is the person he fell for. We have 2 kids 20 and 17 and they are devastated. We went to marriage counseling for a little while but I can tell you his heart was not in it. He decided to stray because he was bored and unhappy. I have been the most amazing wife a man could ever have!!!! Today he told me for the first time "I just don't love you anymore" and there no more passion. Well, he is living in a delusional world thinking that this Asian Prostitute is the key to his happiness. What a joke!!! All she want is his money and someone to take care of her. She has nothing and saw the gravy train!!! I'll tell you why he says he doesn't love me anymore, it's because he found someone else to fill his voids. He also told me that he doesn't see himself with me for another 20 or so years without passion. What a joke he is in the romantic/infactuation phase of a relationship. Men are down right stupid.
06 Jul 2010 10:07 pm
tobeme
Leah,
My heart goes out to you. 6 months and this type of behavior is happening, ugh! Time to take a hard look at what the relationship was like before the marriage, how long you were together and what has caused this change in attitude and behavior.
Things to consider, has he been a father before, has he been in committed relationships.
He may simply be feeling very overwhelmed with this new life as a husband and father.
Time to dig, and find out what is going on. Also time to establish some ground rules and limits. You do not deserve this type of treatment.
04 Jan 2007 11:01 am
Teresa
Hello
the same thing happened to me. On dec 10 2006 My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore. He has been loosing weight since mid nov. and I noticed a change in his behavoir. So on dec 10 I asked he and he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t believe it we were married for 21 years have 2 kids 18 and 13, And I really did not see this coming. He sayes he didn’t feel loved and that we grown apart. That we also don;t think the same anymore. I hope we can get back what we had but better, but that isn’t up to me ,it is up to him. Life really sucks sometimes. Is it a midlife crisis?
05 Jan 2007 07:01 am
Tanya
I have been with my husband for 4 months in marriage and I have been with him for 2 years and 4 months all
together. In the beginning he was my perfect prince. He made me feel so happy and good about myself. I
told myself how can I be so lucky? After about the 10th month we were together I noticed change in him. He
started going out more with his friends instead of being with me. His attitude starting picking up. He was
now getting attitude with me. I asked myself where did I go wrong? I trie talking to him but he refused. It
broke my heart badly but I told myself to hold on. I knew if I stayed with him because of my love for him
that maybe it would go away. I tried to ignore his yelling and cursing at me. Everytime he tried to fight
with me and call me some bad name and say that he wanted to brake up I knew that was when I had to be strong
and show him my love for him. I started working for a while. Then he got used to it and didnt see my love
for him anymore. I was at my last hope. I prayed everynight for God to help me and My love. Soon he started
changing again. He was back to himself. We ended up getting married when we were together the sencond year.
Now I am married and 5 months preganant. He hates me now. He doesnt want to make love to me, doesnt want to
communicate, or just spend fun time together. I wonder if I am the one who should have let go of him when he
wanted to leave me or is it just emotions that hurt so bad from his words and actions? But even though he makes
me cry, calls me names, puts me down, and threatens to cheat on me, its like I still love him with all my heart
no matter what he says to me. I guess I am just strong like that. What should I do to make our marraige better?
11 Jan 2007 05:01 pm
Tanya
I have been with my husband for 4 months in marriage and I have been with him for 2 years and 4 months all together. In the beginning he was my perfect prince. He made me feel so happy and good about myself. I
told myself how can I be so lucky? After about the 10th month we were together I noticed change in him. He
started going out more with his friends instead of being with me. His attitude starting picking up. He was
now getting attitude with me. I asked myself where did I go wrong? I trie talking to him but he refused. It
broke my heart badly but I told myself to hold on. I knew if I stayed with him because of my love for him
that maybe it would go away. I tried to ignore his yelling and cursing at me. Everytime he tried to fight
with me and call me some bad name and say that he wanted to brake up I knew that was when I had to be strong
and show him my love for him. I started working for a while. Then he got used to it and didnt see my love
for him anymore. I was at my last hope. I prayed everynight for God to help me and My love. Soon he started
changing again. He was back to himself. We ended up getting married when we were together the sencond year.
Now I am married and 5 months preganant. He hates me now. He doesnt want to make love to me, doesnt want to
communicate, or just spend fun time together. I wonder if I am the one who should have let go of him when he
wanted to leave me or is it just emotions that hurt so bad from his words and actions? But even though he makes
me cry, calls me names, puts me down, and threatens to cheat on me, its like I still love him with all my heart
no matter what he says to me. I guess I am just strong like that. What should I do to make our marraige better?
11 Jan 2007 05:01 pm
Patricia
Patricia (Tr&TB) says:
I dated my husband for six years before we got married. We were married for two years when he suddenly started to withdraw from me for a period of two weeks. I tried to get him to tell me what the problem was but he just wanted to be alone. Then one day when I asked him again, he said he didn’t love me and wanted a divorce.We have been separated for almost six months, but he hasn’t filed for divorce yet. He doesn’t call me period. I am tired of reaching out and tired of feeling like this was all my fault. My love for him is dying each day and the most frightening part is me never being to forgive him or reaching a point where we will never be friends. How do I stop feeling guilty or begin to put him behind me, so I could move on. Its pretty hard seeing that we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.
16 Jan 2007 01:01 pm
Debbie
Patricia, don’t feel as if it were your fault. It’s not. My husband told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me or not. He loves me, but not like before. I can understand that, I feel the same after 22 years of marriage. He has accepted marriage counseling and I pray to God this will help us continue a life-long journey together. We don’t deserve to be treated like this.
17 Jan 2007 07:01 am
Christina
Iv'e been through hell with this 60 yr old man
07 Nov 2010 07:11 pm
anna
I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 7.
We have 2 little girls 6 @ 3 years old.2 days ago my husband told me he didnt know if he still loved me. this was totally unexpected and I really dont know how this happened. I always thought we had a very loving and kind relationship. I dont understand how someone can just lose thier love for a person so quickly. I am confused on what to do next.
25 Jan 2007 08:01 am
Bobbie
I’ve read all these stories and mine is pretty much the same except it’s been three years now since my children’s father left us, (me and my daughter then, 4 and my son then, 3).
About 3 months ago him and his girlfriend (that he left us for) split up, he sudenly has decided he made a mistake, loves me very much and wants to put our family back togeather. Completely regrets his leaving!!
He wants to get back togeahter now that I have went for a very scary ride on the emotional roller coaster ride of HELL that I thought was NEVER going to end!!
He wants to come back now that I have picked up the piece and have started to finally live somewhat of a normal life and after I have started my life over with another man.
My children’s father wanting to get back togeather with us has sent me right over the deep end AGAIN!
I have tremendous amounts of guilt for not going back to him because of my children. They would love nothing more than for that very thing to happen. They don’t like the “blended family” thing and I don’t like it for them, but life has to go on, or so people say that anyway.
The man I am with now, I care for him very much! I have something new with him. Trust, Fun, and Commitment. I feel selfish for staying with him, when my kids want so badly for me and their father to get back togeather, that it puts such a strain on my emotions and a henderence on our future.
The man I’m seeing now wants us to move in with him, he lives in another town which means my children would not only look and a new “blended family” but a new house and a new school and crush their dreams of me and their father getting back togeather.
Their father and I get along pretty well, because I have went so far with my healing as to forgive him for what he has done and just chalk it up as a live lesson, but for me to go back to him would mean dealing with the water under the bridge again and giving up a life with a man that I really care about.
I have struggled now with this desicion for over 3 months, it is driving me crazy! Do I stay where I’m at which is difficult to, alone with my children and try to raise them the best I can being broke all the time or do I go back to their father and try to make the best of it for my children or go foward with the man I’m seeing now?????????
Wow! People with children should really look at what divorce and seperation do to children before they make any desicions.
26 Jan 2007 03:01 pm
Princess
An eldery person once told me that "If you are not inlove with someone" never marry them because you will end up miserable. I mean whom do you really love? irrespective of the kids...
If you truly truly love your ex, then forgive and forget and give him a chance afterall no one is perfect...But if you truly truly love ur new fella, then stick with him, and explain to ur children, also find ways how kids can get to see their dad(since u say u a now on good terms)
I know you think its selfish of you to put your seelings first, but i know how destrot you will be being involved with ur ex for y=the sake of your kids and yet still u wont be happy...
wHICH MAN MAKES U feel good and happy?? then go for it, if ur ex is a good father, he will still do his share of the kids...good luck and put urseld first.
08 Jun 2009 03:06 pm
Tina
This is awfully difficult. I think you should move on. Be with the one who makes you happy. The one who respects you and whom you trust. Children want what they think is stable and will make them happy. My daughter wants nothing more than for my husband (of 16 years) and I to stay together even though we've been doing nothing but fighting since 2005, and it's been devastating for her to have to be involved in this. Kids do not always know the best course of action. They're idealistic. They can't and shouldn't be expected to understand the relationships that grown ups have. But if you do what is positive and life affirming for yourself (ie - being with someone who is caring and respectful) you will grow as a person and your kids will benefit from it. They will not benefit from you going back to the unhappy relationship you had with their father.
08 Aug 2009 12:08 am
Louise
All my marriage problems started year ago when my Husband took a job which meant we had to move. During our 10yr relationship I was the main decision maker and he decided we needed to move to a town where we knew no one. We become isolated from friends and family although we had a beautiful big house all we could ask for. In June of this year my husband had a new boss in his job who treated him badly. He also struck up a relationship with a female in the office who understood the problems he was having at work. They texted each other and he became secretive. I do not believe he crossed the line physically but definitely emotionally. We had big rows and one in particular in August whereby we both said we still loved each other and wanted to make it work. We went on holiday although I felt he wasn’t really with me. When we came home early sept he said he was going out with work and staying gin hotel to which I wasn’t very sure about. We had a massive row and he said he didn’t love me and left for a week. During that week he plagued me with calls and sent e-mails saying he still loves me. I let him come home, but the rows started all over again. Four weeks later he left again and the same pattern happened all over again. Eventually I said enough is enough and I asked him to leave for the sake of out three yr old who was being badly affected hearing the rows. He left on the 15th December. When he left that morning he was crying saying this was out chance to start all over and break the cycle of the rows. For the first week it was okay we spoke and manly argued over when he was going to see our daughter. Then the nasty bit came he was threatening me if I didn’t do as he said he wants me and my daughter to sell the house so that he can have the money out of it etc. Things got really bad so I involved a solicitor and then he started being nice again. I feel like I have been on emotional Rolla costar for the last 6 months and do not know when it is going to stop. I feel that friends have let me down when I have done so much for them and coupled with him I feel so betrayed. How low do you go before it starts to feel that better ? I not sure if I want him back for what he has put both me and our duaghter through but I morn the lost of our family and then I want him back. Please tell me that there is light at the end of the tunnel as I not sure there is as the weeks go on I feel lowere and lower. I wish I could undertsand what has gone in his mind does he want or not. One min cold next phoning me up asking if I had met someone ? I get so many mixed messages from one extreme to the other. Recently he keeps telling me we have to move on with outr lifes with out me saying anything. Telling me his life is so great etc I say nothing. Please give me some advise on how to cope with this situation and my feelings and the feeling of my daughter.
28 Jan 2007 07:01 am
He Said She Said
Be strong and keep writing. Love your site. Drop by and say hi.
-He Said She Said
http://www.hesaidshesaidlove.blogspot.com
28 Jan 2007 02:01 pm
Bobbie
Hi Louise,
I just read your story, and all I can say is from my experience. It’s been 3 years for me since my children’s father left.
It’s some times easier but then at times it really hurts! I completley understand what you mean about being disappointed about the lose of the family. That hasn’t went away for me.
The first year for me was WORRRIBLE! I also turned to friends and family, that helps too but the best thing I found to help was I read self help books and eventually took my children and myself to counseling. It helped me to really understand alot with myself, my children and their father.
And to deal with it all alot better!
Divorce and seperation is VERY hard for children and I wouldn’t recommended it if their is no abuse in the family.
If you were the desicion maker in the marriage and you go to counseling and read a good self help book maybe you can convience your husband to read one also and go to counseling with you and your child. Your marriage is worth saving in my opion! I would do it now before you both involve “friends” (boyfriends and girlfriends) in your lives, it’s much hard when that starts to happen.
There is lots of help on the internet. I just went to google and put in relationship problems, divorce and went from there. Also I found lots of good self help books on ebay for me and for my children. I really wish I would of done this at the first of our seperation, but I was so hurt and I was so caught up in his leaving that I just sat and cried alot!! By doing that it made things alot worse for me and for my children! I wish I would have gotten help sooner than I did, but I’m glad I did find help a year later!
There is good advise out there you just have to look for it.
In the books that I read they said to try and keep things the same for your children as much as possible, their rutine, disapline, and to try not to ever let the children hear your conversation or rows as you called it with your husband. Thats just one of the many advises that they give you.
29 Jan 2007 08:01 am
Patricia
Hi Bobbie,
Do not feel guilty, in any way. The father of your children should be the one to feel guilty. Remember though that he will always be their father and be a part of their lives. However you need to concentrate on you, and if this person makes you happy go for it. You may wonder if the same thing might happen again, but unfortunately no one can say yes or no. Its just a chance you will have to take.Please make sure that he can be a good role model to your children, because he will also be part of their lives and this is very important.
30 Jan 2007 10:01 am
electra21881
Please help me!!! Im so confused, hurt, depressed and sick to my stomach. My husband and i just had this emotional break down, I cried he cried…For the past couple months i have been tryting to get him to tell me what was wrong…you see we havent been making love like we use to maybe once a month and it bothered me sence we use to be all over eachother. We have been married for 4 years and together 7 year we have a 4 year old daugher. I excpect some decline in our sex life but i mean once a month if that. I use to just cry myself to sleep. I would talk to him and he would tell me he has been tired and he would try harder. But he never did after the talk i would feel im finally getting through to him but the next day no Nothin im mean NO SEX!!! I would be patient wait another two weeks and ask him again. This went on for a good couple of months. Until just this morning we were talking againa and he just broke down in tears… I said “just tell whatever it is, I wil always love you” He finally said. “I dont turn him on anymore” UGH dagger in my heart and my ego. He dont want a divorce and he still loves me with all his heart but how do we stay together and exsist together if i dont turn him on. PLEASE HELP!! ANYBODY !!!
30 Jan 2007 11:01 am
Michaela
Start going to the gym or running getting active, tightening up your bod. You will feel so sexy and fit after a couple months he won't be able to resist u!
07 Jun 2009 05:06 pm
Patty
hi i hope you get to read this is now 2009 and i am going through the same thing if not worst! he hasn't been wanting any sex with me! and he finally told me that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't turn him on!! i felt really bad, very humiliated,, i don't know how to act anymore..please let me know what you did..what should i do? I don't even know know to act anymore..please help!!
30 Jun 2009 04:06 am
Model38
Well, my husband never really said that he didn’t love me but for the past 4 years he has cheated with numerous women including the one that he is with now. His actions tells me that he doesn’t love me (I really don’t think he knows what love is). This girl that he is currently seeing, he has been seeing her for over a year now. It doesn’t hurt me now like it did in the past…I JUST WANT OUT!!!! I am currently not working and he is paying all the bills in the house. I am getting ready to go to school to take a short term medical course (the class is 7 months) so I can get a good paying job but I don’t know if I can last that long being with him knowing that he is seeing someone else. How do I “pretend” when I know that he is seeing this girl? He doesn’t know that I know. What a predicament to be in when you want out of a marriage with a cheater but doesn’t have a job to support yourself!!! The good thing about it is we have no kids together. But with God’s help I will be OUT shortly!!! 4 years is enough of putting up with a serial cheater!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!
01 Feb 2007 11:02 pm
ginny
My husband is at the point he says when he sees my face, he just hates me. He gets along with everyone else really well. His parents stay for 5 months of the year and they are so nice. They speak another language, and I speak a little of their language so it is really O.K. He tells me he just likes to see out two sons and his parents, but not me. I feel he truly hates me and it really hurts me. He also wants no sex from me, not even oral. This also hurts, he says I am too fat. I find dieting so hard though. Can a husband hate you, just because you gain weight?
04 Feb 2007 12:02 am
Michaela
BRUTAL!!!!!! Diets suck! Go for walks and runs or hit the gym. I mean like 3-5 times a week. For the 1st coupe weeks it'll suck but then you will get into it. Then after a few months you will be getting fit. Then you can leave him for a nicer version and leave him to eat his words. Hate is a strong word no one should have to hear that no matter how "fat" they are!
07 Jun 2009 05:06 pm
Patty
oooh my God! I feel as if you were me!!! i'm going through the same thing. we also have two kids together and he says he hates me!!! he also doesn't want sex never initiates it. and last time i tried to initiate sex he finally told me that i had gain too much weight and that he was no longer attracted to me! I fell very hurt and find myself crying out of nowhere please let me know how ir went for you!! I at least want some emotional support i don't even know how to act anymore please help!!!
30 Jun 2009 04:06 am
Bobbie
Thanks Patricia!
Your right. I am trying to do what is right for me and for my children, but the disappointment of having a “broken family” is just so difficult for me to live with. I came from a “broken family” and I never wanted to have one!! I wanted it all to be better with my family!!
I feel like I owe it to my children to give their father another chance, but I feel completly different about him now, 3 years later.
I beat myself up inside because I do feel different about him. I feel guilty to my children because I feel like I don’t want to get back with him, but part of me does want to for my children. GRRRRR!!!!
Just have to find a way to feel better about all of it. Maybe it will come to me some day soon!
05 Feb 2007 10:02 pm
WynterLyle
Hi Bobbie,
I am going through a terrible time as well. I just found out that my husband of 10 years is had an emotional affair for 2-3 years. It’s been over for 18 months because her husband found out and she called it off. She is Indian! Completely NOT his type. And in an arranged marriage. I am a tall redhead. He couldn’t have picked someone more different from me.
He lied to my face when I asked him about out several times. Then, of all things, I went to a psychic (a very good one) who told me about “Her”. I confronted him and he denied it again, “asking if I had proof”. Finally, he broke down. Said it is over but he “still thinks of her” and “thinks he loves her”.
I thought he loved ME. We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. I feel like such a fool. I don’t love him anymore. He disgusts me. I want out!
WL
06 Feb 2007 05:02 pm
Kathryn
Just today my husband for 12 years told me he is in contact with his daughter from his first marriage but is not ready to tell me everything and wants me to give him space until he settles his relationship with his daughter. I just felt hurt because he was upset the whole time with me and never told me that he loved me and gave me assurance. Our relationship had a big challenge awhile back and we thought we would make it work, we saw a counselor and he even told me that he wanted to grow old with me and it was his idea for us to see the counselor. I sacrificed my career to move with him to another state for his career sake without us knowing anyone in the new place. We have two young kids and I just don’t know why he acts confused and cannot even answer if he wants me in his life. I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry to say but I’m panicking about it. I tried to call him when he went to work and he did not answer his cell when he used to everytime I call. I just want to understand this behavior.
08 Feb 2007 05:02 pm
Diane
Kathryn, until you have clarity from him, I would focus on strengthening myself. Establish my own income stream, friends, family, so that you are coming from a position of personal power. Men often want what they perceive they can’t have. If you are strong, and do not appear to be needy, then he will be drawn to confide in you.
11 Feb 2007 03:02 am
rosemarie
I was with my husband for 20 years. I am still his wife because he still has not after several weeks signed the divorce papers.
I will tell you all this….men do not define you. I have found that out on my own this past horrible year. From one day to the next he stopped loving me. He loved the girl he works with.
Don’t get me wrong…its been hell. We have children together. We had a life and a beautiful family. But the only difference now is that my family just got smaller, that’s all. We have gone on without him and i think he sees it. Isn’t that the best revenge? Imagine what he would do if he saw that you have gone on living without him?
I still love him but i would not tell him this. Yes, i mourn the family we once had. Yes, i’m alone and he is not. Is he really happy? Does it matter really? My kids are happy. That’s all that matters. I’m sure deep down inside they miss him terribly, but they also want to show him that we are ok. That’s ok for now. One day at a time.
11 Feb 2007 09:02 pm
Pam
My husband, all of a sudden, around Christmas, started going out and staying out until like 5:30 in the morning. I questioned him about it and he got defensive. It worried me and I thought it was disrespectful. We had words…nothing major and all of a sudden, he decides i belong in OH with my 77 yr. old mother. I have no idea what happened. When he sent me out the door, he had tears in his eyes, said he loves me. I am totally confused. We had been married for almost 33 years and been together for 37. He’s in Florida. I hate FL, but that is beside the point. I am crushed. He hasn’t filed the dissolution papers we filled out and we email every morning. If I sign an email “Love ya”….he totally ignores it. Its like he is fighting to keep me away. I know that I really condensed this story, but does anyone have any idea what the heck happened? I sure don’t. I know I love him, miss him and hate to see 33 years thrown away.
14 Feb 2007 12:02 pm
Julia
I have never been so scared and unsure in my life. My husband told me 2.5 weeks ago that he felt bad that a new woman at work was flirting with him and that he liked her. Since then, his emotional affair has gotten worse. I finally caught her text messaging him a few days ago with inappropriate statements that hurt me deeply. Despite all of the shock and devasation, I have always been a strong and independent person. I have decided to give him an ultimatum tonight. Either he completely cuts off his relationship with this women, commits fully to our marriage, and comes with me to counseling, or he can leave the house until he is ready to make that commitment. Although I have not known about the affair for very long, I refuse any more to try to be nice and understanding. Doing that is not true to who I am and what I deserve. Deep down I am still petrified, but the more time that pasts, the more unsure I am if he will pull through. That is my biggest fear. I am not really afraid of being on my own and taking care of myself, as I am still young (26) and am finishing a graduate degree. My biggest fear is that he is not going to do what he needs to do to be the husband I want and deserve. That would hurt the most. We have been together for 7 years and married 3.5 years. I never saw this situation coming. However, I have finally accepted that it is here, that I need to do what I need to do to take care of myself, and that I have the right to demand that my husband gives me a clear indication of where his commitment lies at the moment. It is not fair for me to be in limbo as it gives him power and control, while leaving me almost incapable to go to my job or do graduate school work. I am going to shift some of the power back to me so that I can still move on with my life while he figures out his role in the marriage. I am definitely willing to put in the effort to work on the marriage through counseling and every day choices, but I no longer willing to be a victim.
14 Feb 2007 08:02 pm
Rod Smith
Julia — you sound very healthy despite the difficulties you are facing. I hope many woman read your letter and gain faith and strength to see they can move out from being in a victim mode….
Thanks for reading and responding to my blog.
Rod
14 Feb 2007 09:02 pm
Julie
Wow, after reading all these posts I feel a little bit better if not just because I can see how I am not alone. My husband of 10 months (been together dating 3 years)told me last night…on Valentines Day…that he regrets getting married and it was a mistake, he doesn’t love me he thinks of me as a good friend , a “buddy”. I am totally devastated. The home is his and he makes the large salary. I have a 14 year old from a previous marriage and could not support us on my salary. This was my 3rd marriage. The thought of starting over is horrid, I just don’t have it in me at 46. I told him I am honoring this commitment and that I have spent the last 10 months being a fantastic wife and building our home life and will not leave this home. He didn’t reply. I am waiting for his reply when he gets home from work tonight. In my heart I pray he says he will try to make things work as we are best of friends but my head tells me he will say he wants to end it. Any suggestions?
15 Feb 2007 04:02 pm
Some Muse…
My husband tells me I never wanted to be married. I was mad all the time. We were only married for a year. He an artist. Me two jobs and a husband who would be out till 6 in the morning spending the little money he made on drugs and the little attention he had for anyone else on 20 year old girls who would throw themselves at him.
With a year of little to no sex, and my begging for a night he could come home before 6am so he could spend time working on the art he said was the most important thing to him and i was a distraction from. I left. I left because I felt he wanted me to, so he didn’t have to fix us but wasn’t painted as the bad guy.
We have been seperated for 4 mths but still see eachother as we run in the same crowd. At times we can be friendly (too friendly, strange how he wants to sleep with me now!) Mostly he calls me to tell me how he knows I’m seeing someone (I’m not) and that I shouldn’t question whether we are going to try to fix our marriage.
I want to save this.. Though I’ve seen him auditioning younger, simpler girls for about 8 mths. I can’t figure out whether he still loves me or he is just an egomaniacal bastard and I should run run run. This man has seemed to use me as a scapegoat for all the things he just can’t get the motivation to do. I truly feel i have supported him. Yes, it was tough love at times.
How do I move on if I can’t fix it?
16 Feb 2007 05:02 pm
Jo
I have been married 20 years and have two children 19 & 15. My relationship with my husband has been wonderful and terrible. We separated in April 1999 and got back together Christmas of that year. We were very happy again for a while. Then in September 2004 we separated again for two years. We have always loved each other but have moved countries, had financial problems and my husband is a workaholic and the more difficult our situation became the more he would withdraw and stay out late. Feeling totally neglected I fell for someone who was deeply in love with me and wanted to take me and the children away with him. He is not from this country. Although I was in love with him I could not justify breaking so many hearts for my own selfish needs and refused, ending our relationship which was emotional and not sexual. This was ten years ago I still think of him and what life would have been like with him. When my husband and I got back together in August of last year after two years of counseling we were so happy and loved each other as much as we had when we were first together. Then at Christmas he started to withdraw again, all the time telling me he loved me. I knew something was radically wrong and asked him to tell me, that it wouldn;t change my feelings for him. He started to cry and told me he didn;t want to hurt me but he had fallen in love with an old flame and she loved him. He has not seen her more that 3 times in the last 5 years. The problem is he just went to his favorite city in the world with her for Valentine’s week. They shared the same room and he held her but did not have sex. He does not want to lose me but he is in love with her. I wanted to give him time to make a decision but now he says he is going to see her again. I told him i couldn’t deal with that and I wanted a divorce. The problem is I don’t want a divorce but feel I must to come out of this with some dignity. Our work life is combined, we have the same friends, everyone in the community knows us. I don’t know what to do. I would be grateful for some advice. I am in terrible pain and feel my life is over…………
21 Feb 2007 01:02 pm
Debora
Well… where do I start? My marriage started off by my husband telling me he made a mistake on our wedding night! The emotional abuse and sneaking for the first year were devestating.. I feel as if Im a fool for still staying in this deeply troubled and abusive relationship… he has a severe anger problem and always uses it as an excuse … Everything is my fault and I cannot even talk with him when I am troubled… I kept hoping that with counseling and his heart things would change… He was sent to jail for hitting me one time… he threatens harm against me, breaks my things at times and acts out in extremely dangerous and inappropriate ways. My heart is so broken as I always try to believe the best… But his actions have damaged me to the point where I feel like virtually all trust and hope are quickly fading. He has done better at times and been very loving. I believe he has a mental illness of some type. Last night he threatened to kill me, said I wasnt his friend, called me a wh—, bit–, and a cun-. Then he comes crying and says he will kill himself if I leave him… I think I have to face that there are just some people that cant or wont change and all the love in the world wont fix them or the relationship… Im 43 and my life is constantly under stress from what he may do… Im strong so he hasnt torn down my self image at all… But Im a good lady and I guess reality is hitting that the only thing I can do is end the relationship. if someone doesnt love me … it will show in their actions.. words are shallow. I dont think he knows what love really is… God help me to plan wisely as I transition on and let go of him… or do I keep waiting for a miracle?
22 Feb 2007 10:02 am
Angela James
Hi I am having similar problems and am looking for help. 2 weeks ago my husband of 6 years (been together 14and have 2 children 11 and 14) said that the love has gone out of our relationship and he doesnt love me anymore he doesnt know when he stopped loving me or why but he has but took all his stuff and moved out. He was gone a week and i begged him to try again by him staying at him mams and me staying at home but try to start “dating” again to try to put the love back. To this he agreed and we talked and said he would stay at his mams for at least 5 month until a holiday we booked 2 months ago comes round then we were going to go on the holiday and see how it went from there. Then on Tuesday 9 days after agreeing to this he suddenly said its not working the love is never going to come back and left now he says it is no point trying at all. I am so confused because everything was going great we cuddled and kissed like we used to and we havent done that for a long time he bought me flowers for valentines day along with a card and now this. I am getting a lot of support from his family who seem to think he is lying about not loving me and that he will be back if i give him time. But will he does this just sound like some problem he has, this came so suddenly no arguments or anything. He has cried I have cried but we seem to be getting nowhere i have told him that he will never find anybody else that will love him like I do and he said he knows this and doesnt want anybody else but still doesnt want me. I am so confused and upset cant stop crying the doctor has just had to put me on tablets and on the sick for 2 weeks to help me get over this but i dont think i will ever get over it. I have even told him that it doesnt matter if he doesnt love me I just want him home (desperate I know) but he still says no.
What can I do to make him see i need him or how am I going to get him to try again I really dont want to lose him
Please help
22 Feb 2007 12:02 pm
Bobbie
Dear Angela,
Oh my dear my heart goes out to you!! I went through the very same thing 3 years ago, except mine went with another woman. I wish to god he would have done what yours did and I could have kept my feeling togeather and handled it all in a different way.
I handled my situation exactly like you are right now. It TEARS YOU apart!!!!
Angela you have to try to keep it togeather for your self and for your children!!! This time right now is soooo important on how you handle it!!! It can scar you children for a long time and yourself!
I would definatly suggest that you go to a couseler and take your children with you!
They also have a good book out “Getting Back Together” by Bilicki & Goetz. I found mine on ebay! It tells you about what you are going through right now and how to handle it for you and has alot of good suggestion in it and on how to handle your action with your husband.
I wish I would have had it from the first day mine left!!!!
Take care of yourself it is the first step to take you can’t control him or make him come back, but if you take care of yourself he will see you are strong and maybe it will help him to think twice about what is happing!! Don’t be weak! Stay strong for your children too, they need you more right now also and that makes it even tougher!!
There is lots of help on the internet to go to any search page and put in ( Divorce, relationship problems, Divorce and children ).
Good luck Angela and may God be with you, your husband and you children!!!
Bobbie
26 Feb 2007 08:02 am
Shelley
My husband Ray who is 43 years old doesn’t love me anymore, too. We had been together for total 7 1/2 years (4 years relationship and 3 1/2 years marriage).
My age is 40. I felt guilty for two reasons. First reason was that I got a new promotion job to be in the middle level management at the new location site. My husband gave up his career moving to a new location to be with me. He was struggling to find a job for one half year. With my new demanding job, I had to work 60-70 hours per week for a year. I decided to leave the new job and save my marraige with Ray. Second reason was that a good friend of mine was telling me that Ray’s old college girlfriend wanted to contact Ray just to say Hi. I put my trust in Ray and gave him her AIM screen name. His ex-girlfriend Toni is married and has three children. Somehow, a month before wedding, I caught a suspicious between Ray and Toni, I asked Ray for the truth. He was telling me the truth that there was nothing going on between them and he wanted us to get married. So I believed his true words. During my new job, I noticed Ray’s behavior changed and put a distance between us. Our love and sex faded away and he stopped communicating with me. I worked so hard to get him to open up with me but nope. Leaving my new job, I finally caught Toni saying, “Hi Sweetheart. I love you very much” on my husband’s AIM screen name from his pager. Ray and Toni started having their emotional affair and our marriage trouble had begun. The whole time, he kept denied and became so secretive. Ray and Toni decided not to use AIM so they used text messages each other. I caught her phone numbers on the bill. They choke. They went back to use AIM and she changed her AIM screen name. I caught it and she choked. They decided to use videophone when I was not at home. One day, I stepped out of our apartment, I drove and changed my mind going back to the apartment. That’s how I caught him talking with Toni by using videophone. I had it enough. I was so tired of seeing them so secretive behind my back. We went to a marriage counseling, things were not working out between us. He kept secretive with Toni while we attended a marriage counseling. What Ray did to me was so wrong! I had to ask Ray for a separation. He moved out of the apartment. I was hoping that he would realize what he had done wrong and came back to me. Since August 2006, we had not seen or talked each other. Finally, he emailed me tonight and decided asking for a divorce. Tonight is my saddest night for me. He does not want me anymore. Of course, I am “hell” hurting real bad. My heart broke.
I assume that my husband is having a mid-life crisis, too. My biggest wish is that he would wake up one morning and could save our marriage somehow. That would be nice if God would give us a miracle.
07 Mar 2007 03:03 am
Kim
My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore on Aug 23rd, 2006. I knew it was because of another woman and i was right on the money. It escalated from there, with text messages, chats,emails and phone records between her and him. I just knew it. It was so out of his character though, so I totally blamed myself. We got into counseling at church right away, with the pastor and his wife and they completely saved our marriage. Its now March 10, 2007 and i totally have him back after 6 months of hell and that girl bugging him to death. Emails that said “i can’t wait to feel your touch while i lie in bed”. She’s a single mom that has never been married so I can see why she was after my husband whom is a spine surgeon! The best part is we are pregnant now by his choice and mine! Things are better now and I want everyone to know,with a willing husband and the right counselor things can get better. There is also a lot you can do to change yourself, like I read the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. It was an awesome book and it changed my life and how i acted towards my husband. Just a hope for all of you out there who think it has no chance, because it does indeed, i’m a living example! Thanks
10 Mar 2007 12:03 pm
rita
Ive been married for 7yrs and together for 13. we have two childern~ He told me the other night that he hates me and he does not want to be married to me anymore. He also said I made him sick,
I am a great mother and try to be a great wife. I’m not sure why he is acting this way. He also said I don’t deserve any respect~ WHAT? I have not a clue why he is acting this way? I’m sure there’s not another woman because he is always at work and then with us. He just came home and decided he’s not happy and I’m not what he wants in a wife anymore? He said we have grew apart and his goals and dreams are different from mine and he is wanting more out of life.
One day he seems to be just so darn happy and the next its different………I’m so confused but tired of his disrespectful attitude!
16 Mar 2007 10:03 pm
Sheri
Well I’m glad to see that I’m not alone. My husband has had me up & down on an emotional roller coaster for 8 months now, blaming his mood swings & indifferent feelings toward me on work. Assuring me all the while that I had nothing to worry about… We were “okay”. Then last night he drops the “I just don’t feel it anymore” bombshell on me. We’ve been together for 11 years & married for almost 5, with no children. We’ve got a great life, or so I thought. He mentioned that he wanted to “move out” and miss me again. Immature jerk! Well I pulled one on him & quickly packed up my stuff today while he was out & I moved to a girlfriend’s home, leaving him with a huge home to care for, 2 dogs, 4 cats, bills (he hasn’t paid a bill in 11 years!), laundry, yard work, etc. I figure this way, when he really “moves out” on his own he’ll have a refresher course in RESPONSIBILITY & COMMITTMENT!
17 Mar 2007 08:03 pm
wow, holy crap good for you!!!
26 Mar 2010 10:03 pm
tiffany
its all the same. we were married 7 years and we just had a baby boy. my husband got a call and was deployed to missouri for the first year of our sons life. i hated him. i missed him. i saw emails to this day he claims were not his, telling some girl on base that he loved her over and over again. he told me he would make it all up to me, he was so so sorry. 6 months upon return he told me he was “unhappy”, no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. but here is the kicker that was over 3 and 1/2 years ago, he still is in our home. we still sleep in the same bed yet havent had sex since. we sat we divorce lawyers then but couldn’t agree and never mentioned it again. i don’t know what to do anymore
17 Mar 2007 11:03 pm
Sheri
Tiffany, get yourself together. Start thinking about yourself & your child. Go back to school, get a job, go out a night a week with girlfriends… Prepare, prepare, prepare. Don’t allow someone else to determine your fate. Sometimes when someone you love sees you moving in a positive direction & caring for yourself it could be the wake up call he needs to realize that you’re taking matters into your own hands & not waiting for him to decide your or your son’s future. When you start caring more for yourself you will start to regain self-confidence that you haven’t had in a while because of all of the crap you have running through your head. The confidence you create will scare him, trust me. : )
18 Mar 2007 10:03 am
Trisha
I been with my husband 11 years now, and I’m married with him for 6 years, He is my first and only boyfriend and then became my husband, the tragedy begins a week ago, he told me He wanted out of marriage, I dont know what to do, I dont know what are the reasons, the single answer he gave when i asked him why was that He didnt love me at all even at first, that he been trying himself to have love for me but he said he didnt fall for it… being with him for 11 years I dont believe what he said, we dont have a child of our own but he has 2 kids, a girl and a boy with different girls and it was before we met, I am 29 years old and i dont know what to do, I dont want to end our marriage because i love him so much and I cant imagine living without him, I still stay at our house with him, he asked me to move out since we are stayin in his parents house although we were the only once living there, since the day he told me he want out situation suddenly flipped out on opposite side, he instantly doesnt talk with me, ignored me in everything that he does, as if i was not present in front of him, he doesnt answers my call anymore, and he kept on asking me when I’m gonna moved out, I just cried a lot alone at home, I cant tell anyone what was happening with me, I pretended nothing happened in front of friends, I am so low right now and cant think well… I just hope GOD will guide me and lighten everything for me…I hope and pray that he will walk with me thru this suffering and guide me on my decisions… I dont want us to be apart… I just wanted stay with him even if he is treating me so bad… please help me what to do…i am not blaming anyone of what happened in fact I thank GOD for loving me so much… what i felt right now is the pain… much pain and confusion on what to do in this kind of situation…help me… GOD BLESS US ALL!
19 Mar 2007 07:03 am
to Trisha
I know that it's very very Very~ pAinfuL to have a veRy first time boyfriend(lucky u experienced husband n wife after) then after he says no longer love u anymore ; ( Right now what you're doing is very good Keep praying to our God lord Jesus to always guide you ; ) by doing this u will feel the guidance from him & I truly believe & have Strongly believe in him He will guide us!
Please, always take care of yourself.
06 May 2009 07:05 am
Sheri
Trisha, read my response to Tiffany above. I’ve been in counseling for 4 months now & I know what I’m talking about. Get a decent job, move in with a girlfriend & watch the tables turn. Move on honey. You’re so young & have so much to look forward to. Go to SCHOOL! Move on & teach him a life lesson. He will look back & regret his decision. Don’t allow him to control your future… Take hold of it today! If you don’t respect yourself how do you expect him to respect you? If you don’t love yourself how do you expect anyone to love you? Show yourself love and you’ll be so okay. : )
19 Mar 2007 07:03 pm
Trisha
Thank you so much Sheri, I appreciated your advise…. by the way, I have a work and already did finished college, I’m a degree holder…been working before we got married… and I dont depend on him financially… Its more on emotional thing with me… im now packing to move out…after reading all these replies in here… it made me strong… more power and we must pray for eachothers life and destiny… HE doesnt sleeps…we just have to reach out…. take care to all and GOD BLESS!
20 Mar 2007 02:03 pm
jackie
I have been married for about six months and have a four month old daughter. My husband and I argue all of the time, about everything, and I am really depressed. I don’t think he loves me. I never wanted to get divorced, and I can’t imagine putting my child through a divorce (I had divorced parents and hated it), but I just can’t imagine staying in this marriage. We had only been dating a few months when I got pregnant, and so we got married, but I’ve always thought he only married me b/c I was pregnant. There is a huge age difference between us – I am 24 and he is 40. Any advice?
20 Mar 2007 09:03 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Dear Jackie:
The arrival of a baby can place a lot of stress on the strongest of marriages. It is too soon to be talking of divorce. Get some help. Find a group of other new parents to talk, and you will probably find your thoughts are echoed among them. I?d suggest you shift your emphasis from wondering why he married, or how he is feeling, to getting about the beautiful business of co-nurturing your young child. If you embrace being a wife and mother he may find it in him to do his equal share as husband and dad.
Let me know you have seen this,
Rod
21 Mar 2007 07:03 pm
Lucy
I am sitting here feeling sick and crying my heart out. I’ve been married for 5 and a half years. I have a son about to turn 4years old. My relationship with my husband has always been difficult, he is very selfish jealous and paranoid. However he was my soul mate, he has made me happier than anyone. he has slept on the sofa for 4 years but anytme I tried to leave he begged me to stay but nothing changed. i got used to doing my duty as a wife and mother, i encouraged him to spend more time with his friends after work and I thought everything was OK, but 2 weeks ago he told me he had met someone at work who was really nice and didn’t want to be with me anymore, wants to rent a house and have space but wants me to stay in the family home so he can see his son. I am leaving and moving back to my family 400 miles away. i will not stay to be a doormat. My heart is broken, I have tried everything to make my marriage work. We have a lovely house and I lovely child and he just wants to throw it all away. I have tried to get him to go to counselling but he won’t. my heart is broken, i am lost. One minute i feel strong the next i want to curl up in a little ball and cry my heart out. I can’t eat or sleep, I can’t stop being sick and I am utterly devastated.
22 Mar 2007 10:03 am
darline
LUCY
NO 0FFENCE BUT...I BEEN THROUGH HELL WITH MY HUSBAND. HE IS AN ALCAHOLIC , SPENT JAIL TIME TWICE' HELL I WENT TO JAIL FOR HIM ! NEVER AGAIN WE HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE BEFORE HE WENT TO JAIL THIS LAST TIME . NOW HE TREATS ME LIKE CRAP ALWAYS TELLING ME IM NO GOOD FOR NOTHING. (AFTER GOING TO JAIL TO TRY AND SAVE HIS BUTT? )
HE SEEMS TO HATE ME IM TO THE POINT I DONT EVEN CARE NO MORE WHETHER HE HATES ME OR NOT . IM MISSING OUT ON LIFE AND ITS ALL MY FAULT IM 40 YEARS OLD AND LIVING IN HELL . IT MAKES ME SICK TO LOOK AT HIM HOW COULD I EVER HAD BEEN SO STUPID TO GO AS FAR AS TAKING THE BLAME FOR DRUGS AND GOING TO JAIL ? OF COURSE I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE DRUGS WHEN THE LAW RAIDED OUR HOME BUT I TOLD THEM THEY WERE MINE CAUSE HE WAS ON PROBATION AND I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HOM GO BACK TO JAIL ..... WELL HE DID ANYWAYS AND HAS CHANGED HIM BIG TIME HE IS SO MEAN AND EVIL. AND IM SURE PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN I DO SO QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GET OUT OF IT.... I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF CAUSE I KNOW IM STUPID FOR PUTTING UP WITH IT BUT THERE ARE LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE WAY WORSE OFF THAN US SO GET OVER IT ....
26 Dec 2010 09:12 pm
Kitty
My story is a bit different. My husband is very passive aggressive in how he behaves. We’ve been married 11 years and with 3 children and he’s shown little interest in me in the past 3 or so years. It’s been torture living without affection, love, etc. I have begged him to release me from this and tell me he doesn’t love me, but he won’t. The closest he has come is by saying “you don’t love me EITHER” and by his actions or lack of them. He is the one who wants to keep the facade because he’s comfortable and I’m losing hair, having health problems(I’m only 37) from the stress of a loveless marriage. Trust me ladies, although it hurts, be glad these men who tell you they have no or little feelings will give you that much. I’ve been put in the position of being the bad guy because mine won’t even give me that although it is obvious what his feelings are(or lack of them). I had already considered seperation and/or divorce, but he says we should keep things as is until I finish school. Well, the time has come to make tough decisions since I knew this was likely over, I opened my heart to someone else(nothing physical). This person was my first love and me his over 20 years ago. We did start again as friends, just glad to have found someone from so long ago and in the last several months it is starting to blossom again, something I think he had hoped would happen if I was available when he found me. He is divorced and has been for a couple of years and I have decided I am going to have to take my husband by his actions and finally tell him that our ‘living arrangment’ to make everything easier financially on everyone is finally over. I figured this would happen for one of us, but it’s finally here. BTW, I did tell this new/old flame that I will absolutely finish my education where I am before I go anywhere. He is willing to wait feeling he’s waited 20 years for this.
My point…it sucks…but really if a man will at least be honest with you that he has no feelings, in some ways it is a blessing–you are free and released by him with no regrets since you don’t have to wonder if he feels that way or not. For so long I just wished my husband would just come right out and say it so I could move on with my concience intact knowing the signals I were getting were right and that there was no hope there for me to work with.
Good luck to you all. I am both scared and excited for what lies ahead and for me, at least, I wish my husband the best…I hope he learns something from this for the next relationship he is in.
22 Mar 2007 10:03 pm
Ginger
Christmas Day 2006 my husband said he did not love me anymore. In early January I got the divorce papers. We are having to live together in the same house because he will not leave. He does not want to live with his folks that are 10 minutes away or live in their lake house (45 mins) away. I have nowhere to go and no one to go to, except to sleep on a sofa. I retired last Feb., and have worked part-time a couple of places. He resents it. I am scared as we have been married for 28 years. While we have no kids, there is a long history and we have animals that we love and are quite attached to. They are my kids.
Now I am having to find a full-time job (am 51) and try to start all over again. Difficult at my age, because so many companies practice ageism.
22 Mar 2007 11:03 pm
Margo
I can’t believe what I’m reading, as so many of your stories are much like my own. After being married for 20 year and together for 24, my husband arrived back from Iraq and cried that he’s unhappy and doesn’t want to be with me any longer. he says he no longer loves me as a wife, but cares for me as a family member. I tried to work with what he disliked about me for the last year, whereas he didn’t try in the least. Instead he seemed to either sulk or appear dead inside. Of course it didn’t work – it takes two right. So he has deployed again (military guy, note: he has a cushy career, high ranking officer and has never seen any action and isn’t even close to the front lines, everything is taken care for him; food, cleaning etc), and he tells me he hasn’t met anyone and that its all me. I’m too demanding, manipulative and argumentative and he no longer wants the aggravation. We have no children, but a dog that I thought he loved a lot. He doesn’t even seem to care for her anymore. I tell you it’s weird.
One day he was loving, attentive and affectionate and the next dead inside. An example of what I’m referring to is when I would kiss him, nothing intimate just a peck, he would keep his eyes open and stare at me emotionless, like there was nothing behind those eyes – no life. This wasn’t even close to the expressions he would show me only days prior.
I’ve asked and asked if there was another person and he adamantly tells me there isn’t. I honestly don’t think there is because he could be found at work or at home and I don’t know where he would have found the time for such activity.
Thank goodness before he left I talked him into signing a separation and property agreement. Get this, he has given me everything – I mean everything except his clothes. I haven’t worked in years, its just the way it has been, and he has legally agreed to give me half of his pay, which BTW I can access the amount any time, for the rest of my life. He will have to support me forever unless I remarry. To boot, I can even cohabitate with anyone should I want to and he still has to pay the amount of alimony. It’s insane! I am grateful and in this I’m very fortunate. But this should show you that the man has gone off the deep end and I don’t know what to do. He tells me he doesn’t want to divorce just yet, but he doesn’t want me around when he returns. He just wants us to be separated.
Finally, like many here, I have begged him to stay and told him that if he was having an affair he could and I would still stand by him. I would change if I wanted me to and on and on. Literally I have given away all pride. Frankly I’m not sure I can go on.
24 Mar 2007 08:03 pm
jackie
Hi Rod.
I got your message. Thank you so much for responding. I think you are probably right that it is too soon to get divorced. I am trying to do what you suggested and just focus on being a parent.
Thanks again,
Jackie
25 Mar 2007 03:03 pm
susan
I am just so heart sick, as I read through all your stories.
My own story is so like many of your own. I have been with “my heart” for 15 yrs, 13yrs of which we have been married. We are blessed to have an 11 yr old together, but we also have raised together my sixteen yr old son. Yes, My husband took on a project, I myself have serious abandonment issues; My mother left me at 3, father was an alcohlic with a new woman every 2 yrs, but I was left with his parents @ 5 after his divore with my 1st step mom. Grandma told my mom died in a car accident when I was 7 then after a few school meetings came counciling and walla….Moms alive at 8. Neibor touchs me @ 12, Dad calls the police- My fault- sexy shorts. Dad beats me while grandmas in hospital, friends mom calls police also my fault-@ 14 choice: foster care or astranged mom? A year latter mom and step dad are divorcing and I’m the live in child care, 3 children whos lives are falling apart, by 16 I am on my own. So I find the first man who will hit me and call me names. Two years latter I grow a brain and leave, only to find another winner the next year who would eventually cheat during the 8th mnth of my pregnancy….I could have killed him for risking the health and safty o my unborn child. BUT, then there was my husband kind, strong, smart, opinionated, and unwilling to accept my no’s, telling me he loved me and my child…who guided me through how to be a parent, things I wouldn’t have known otherwise, he didn’t budge when my son had issues and was diagnosed w/ aspergers syndrome but insisted I stay home to work him, as soon as finances became available.
So here is my dilema, how in the hell do I get over this man? As you can imagine he has been around for many of my own personal ups and downs. I am as compelled as much by his happiness as my own or even the childrens. If his romantic feelings have gone away, do I want him to stay and why? Can love ours again? I found out that he has a female distaction at work, he says he liked the non complacated conversations, they did a little texting dinner. I don’t want to give up on our husband, nor risk my dearest friend.
27 Mar 2007 05:03 am
tim
So much unhappiness. I’m gay, have had sex with one person my whole life, and he and I just celebrated 25 years of what is the most amazing frinedship God could have given me.
Don’t know what I did, but my man is amazing, brilliant, and such anhardworking guy, that peoplee naturally adore him.
31 Mar 2007 03:03 am
Mrs. Rogers
Rodney and I met on June 4, 1997. The very same day I had found out that I was 3 months pregnant with my ex boyfriend’s baby. I remember when I saw Rodney ride up to the campground where I was working that summer and thinking to myself (literally) “I’m going to marry that man”. As soon as he spoke to me I knew that he was “the one”. To this day I still get excited to see him.
We were married on July 29, 2001 and he has been the greatest husband to me and dad in the world to my son, who is now 9. Rodney has always been the most hard-working, trustworthy, BRUTALLY honest person I have ever met in my life. He doesn’t squander away money on frivolous things. He is very saving…This is where it all went bad. I’ve always had a difficult time managing money. I can’t save it no matter how hard I’ve tried. I’ve been disrespectful and verbally abusive to my husband, because of my anger with MYSELF over money. I’ve noticed over the past 2 years that he has enjoyed being around me less and less; and that has added to my anger and hurt that I’ve caused myself. It was killing me that I was hurting and disapointing him.
I left October 15, 2006. I just couldn’t stand to see him so disapointed in me. I love him. I miss him so much. We’ve talked a few times over the past six months and I’ve tried to explain things to him in a more civilized way than before. I’ve started therapy to help me understand why I have such issues with money and with spending. Rodney recently told me that he hasn’t been in love with me for a very long time. I died that day, but it’s a slow and painfull death. I wake up with a wound that seems fresh everyday. I’ve lost my job over my emotional state. I can barely take care of myself let alone my son. I want my husband and best friend back. I want my family abck together. I want to go home and sleep next to him at night. I want to fix me so I can fix us.
The last time I spoke with him I told him about my therapy and that I was trying to figure out a way to pay him back the money that I’ve spent. I even tried giving him $100, because he is hurting financially now, he said he didn’t want my money. I told him that if he wants a divorce that he can have the house the cars…everything. I feel that I’ve already taken too much from him. He said that I needed to get a job and get on with my life, but that I had a more than 50% chance of him allowing me to come back…If I can prove to him that I can be responsible. I’m really trying. I’ve had quite a few job interviews lately. With me not having a college degree it’s hard to find anything that pays the bills of a single mom that’s bouncing from one relatives’ house to anothers’. I did apply to a local college and was accepted to start this summer for an AS in Respiratory Therapy. Tomorrow I’m going to my local DHHR and see what I can find out as far as housing assistance. I have faith that I can do this. I’m just really scared and the grief that I’m experiencing is so consuming.
15 Apr 2007 01:04 pm
zoe
hi i have been married almost 10 years 6 mths ago my husband went to prison , i stood by him and had emotional visits every week ,2 weeks ago he phoned and told me he no longer loves me and wont be comin home when he gets out in 3 months, i am totally deverstated we have 6 children together and we have all missed him so much, we have had alot of problems in the past but i really thought we were going to come out of this stronger and more in love than ever, he has told me every day he has been there that he loves me and cant wait to be home,i know he is on antidepressants in there, i just love him so much , how do i get through to him and get him to give it another go..
19 Apr 2007 08:04 am
rose
Dearest Bobbie…I’ve read all the messages here and your message touched me the most. My husband left me about a year ago. It sometimes seems like my husband misses his family. I noticed that he is spending more time with his son instead of his girlfriend (the one he left us for). Does that mean something? I don’t know?! Or does that mean he is just comfortable in his relationship with her? I’m still waiting for him to finish the last step of the divorce papers. Its been at least 6 months. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I keep trying to reason and figure out why he won’t do the last step to finish the divorce. My only choice is continue to be strong for my son and keep walking forward and assume that he is still happy with his girlfriend. Am i crazy? Is he going to come to me 3 years later and tell me he made a mistake?
What are you going to do? How do you know he won’t do it again? Why did it take 3 years for him to figure out that he missed you? You found yourself..
23 Apr 2007 09:04 pm
Bobbie
Dear Rose,
It’s been since Jan of this year that my children’s father has decided he wants to come back and well I’m still not sure what to do, so I haven’t made any decisions yet. I’m very scared to make a move in ANY direction!
I am still currently in a relationship with the man I met a year and half after the children’s father left. We do not live together but he did move closer to me.
The children’s father has stayed single and has accepted that I am confused on what to do. He did tell me the other day though that he is pretty much ready to go on with his life, since I can’t make a decision. Which really made me feel very uneasy inside, I may miss my opportunity to put our family back together. I told him that I completely understand that he feels that way and if this all works out then it does and if it doesn’t then well maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t know what else to tell him. I am completely terrified to make a move. “What if’s” eat me alive inside. Pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I want to do what is best for my children, that is what matters to me most!! They are okay with the way life is for this moment, so I have been just going with that, but financially it is REALLY hard for me!
Not to mention I NEVER wanted to raise my children like this!!
Part of me wants to stay in the relationship that I am in now because the man I’m seeing, well we get along really well, but we only see each other on the weekends. He would like for us to move in but I just can’t do that to my children and I’m not sure I want to raise them in a blended family like that. And another part of me wants my children to have their family again. Time is passing by so quickly my children are 8 and 6 now, two more years and my daughter will be 10. Time is very cruel to us. You can’t ever get it back and that makes me feel sorry for my children and their father for the time that they are missing together and for the time that we are missing out as a family together. Guilt, Guilt, Guilt….
But I couldn’t bare the thought of their father and I getting back together and being miserable like before or him leaving again. Deep in my heart I really don’t think it would be miserable but I think it would be just for the kids and people say I shouldn’t do that but I love my children and I think seeing my children happy might put a happiness and a wiliness to stay strong in my heart.
I’m really not sure what I’m going to do, I have decided though to go see the doctor and talk to them to see if they can help me, because ever thing is becoming cloudy to me again. It is starting to consume my days and all of my thoughts and I don’t ever want to live that way again. Depression is HORRIBLE!!!
You asked me why it took him 3 years to figure out that he made a mistake. I think at first when he left it was a relief for him to be out of the situation that we were in, not agreeing on things, hum drum, same stuff different day kind of things. He was tempted by another woman and I was caught up in everyday life happing not paying attention to him and off he flew. After the new wore off with his new found love and I stopped begging him back, he seen me finally accepting what had happened and going on with my life and with him only seeing the children on the weekends well that all started to work on him.
Every relationship has its ups and downs and when the downs are there it is very easily to be tempted and to think that another person can make it all better, well that idea is so wrong! With a little time ever relationship has problems you just have to be strong enough to work through them. It take honesty, commitment, understanding and trust. With this day in time people take each other for granite and are very busy with life, some times we really need to slow down and take a good look at what really matters in life and that to me is family. I think sometimes we need to stop and take a good look at ourselves and make sure we are in check with our spouses and our children. Are we really getting enough quality time with each other.
That is really where most all of our problems started and just being young growing up in life. Learning the hard way.
So really I think he just found out that the grass really wasn’t greener on the other side.
And no your not crazy, keep taking care of yourself and your son, thats the best thing you can do right now! I have heard that after the year mark you can tell wether a relationship is really going to work out or not. Deep down in my heart I knew that his relationship with the other woman was not going to work, but my feeling got to me I couldn’t think straight in the beginning. After awhile though I finally got a grip and desided to go on in my life and accept what had happened between us and to treat him as “my children’s father”, not my ex.
25 Apr 2007 06:04 am
moonlightlady
My dear sweet women on this site. I have been married for 36 years and I can tell you that the things that you are going through are pretty typical of “all men” I believe. I woke up one day and decided that I was going to “quit worrying” about what was “bothering my husband” and to just give any frustrations I had about “him” to the Lord in prayer and let HIM deal with him, and “me” and whatever else needed fixing. in this marriage. From that time on, amazing things have taken place. God showed me how to be happy, with, or without my husband’s love, but he also showed me how to be a better wife. Do we still have problems? Sure, all couples do. But to have God to talk to now, is SO much better and SO much more confidential than going to counselors or talking to people you may feel you cannot trust with these sensitive topics. I’d suggest giving God a try…it will really help in all situations.
09 May 2007 02:05 am
Delania
i have been married for twenty three years my children are all raised married and have there own families my husband doesnt want a divorce but states he doesnt want to be with me anymore help. we dont talk or have sex he is never home. i am alone 95 percent by myself i need answers
16 May 2007 01:05 am
Grace
Reading all of your stories breaks my heart and I want to share my story too and offer hope. I have been married for 5 years and my husband rarely gives me any affection. I can count the times that we have kissed in our marriage and intercourse is a rare occurance. I have spend so many nights alone while he spends time on the computer, work whatever. It is unlikely that he is involved with anyone else, I think he has fallen out of love with me. I know we are very diiferent in our personalities, but he has been excaping from financial stresses and delving into the fantacy game world for way too long. I have gone on with my life and have started to pursue with passion my love for music. I’ve joined a band and have accepted a challenging career. I have learned to cope with a man who is not affectionate and have examined myself to see what I have contributed in all of this. A wise friend of mine said, that God will fix the less obvious problems first in our life. While we’re so focussed on the major problem such as our husband, God wants to work on us. I’ve found this to be true.I’ve had lots of time to work on me. I can honestly say I sing through the darkness. I have cried out to God on my lonely bed and have found Him to be closer than I could have ever imagined. He has shown himself to be a God that is close. He has given me songs to sing in the day and through the night and I don’t feel so alone anymore. I’m taking his grace for each day and letting it carry me. I pray for my husband, but I can’t change Him and won’t. That job I leave up to the Lord and I trust that the Lord will release me from this marriage in His timing if he wants me to leave. The Lord speaks in many ways. Otherwise, I will let the pain of being unwanted and unloved push me farther into the arms of Jesus where He can and has held me. I don’t say this lightly. I have felt the literal presence of God embrace me and have felt His peace so strong that all fear left me.
Just remember
You’re not alone.
The scripture sais, “If we make our beds in hell, the Lord is there and if we ascend to heaven God’s there.
It’s our choice whether we’ll take life and it’s pain and let it push us further into the Lord’s arms. He suffered for us.
22 May 2007 12:05 am
confused
Hi, My husband and I split for a while last year because he didn’t love me enough and was scared of the responsibility of being a father, husband and breadwinner. He returned shortly after and told everyone how he had fallen in love with me all over again. We have had a blissfully happy 6 months, taken the kids on holiday and were fortunate to have a holiday on our own. Then he tells me 2 days ago that he was pretending, he still doesn’t love me like he should, that he loves me like a sister and that this time it is over for good. I don’t know what to do, I am still completely in love with him as i had no idea that this was coming and thought we were still happy! I have 2 young children who adore him and i don’t know how we’ll cope when he does leave. He won’t see a counsellor, although he does blame his mother for his lack of commitment as he never had a father figure as she had lots of different boyfriends as he grew up. Any advice or help would be gratefully recieved.
10 Jun 2007 09:06 am
citeblogger
To Bobbie,
Can you forgive and forget? Your children will grow and have their own life. Take care of them till then. Marry the one you’re with.
11 Jun 2007 03:06 pm
Brooke
I have read many of these stories above and it just makes me so sad that many of us women are in similiar situations. I only knew my husband for 4 months before we married, to soon, yes but it is what it is now. He didn’t treat me bad till after we got married and it really escelated when he left for Iraq. Little did I know that he was still talking to him ex-girlfriend even though I asked him not to. He called her the day he left for Iraq, sent dirty pictures of himself to her and asked for the same in return, yet denied all of it till I caught him lying to me. He continued to talk to her even though I didn’t want him to. He has finally stoped but I am afraid the damage is already done. We have no trust in our marriage. After he lied to me, I was doing wrong things like logging onto his emails and such trying to catch him in lies, so because of that he doesn’t trust me now. He tells me he still dreams about her and it is a struggle for him to not talk to her anymore. He cusses me out and screams at me often and refuses to communicate with me on serious issues. He is only nice to me when he wants something and then could care less about me or my feelings and has told me that as well. He recently just spend $500 of our money with asking me and told me it wasn’t any of my business. I am very hurt because I still love my husband very much and I want to make it work but it can’t be one sided. He says he doesn’t know if he feels this way because he is in Iraq or if he will feel this way when he gets home but he wants to wait and see what happens. That isn’t fair to me but he will be home in 2 months. Please don’t think Iraq is an excuse becaus it isn’t. He is NO danger what so ever and has the easiest job in the world. I blame a lot of this on the abuse that his father put on him and his mother when he was growing up and that is why he is such an angry and hateful person today. He wasn’t this way before we got married but he is now becahse he thinks he can treat me like this and I will not leave him because he treats his mother the same way. I am very sad and I just want things to be right with us again.
13 Jun 2007 08:06 am
tmulcahy
Hmm, sorry to say so, but based on my experience, this isn’t worth salvaging.
13 Jun 2007 05:06 pm
Christine
I feel lost right now. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and been together for over 6 years. Everything was great. Good sex life, good communication and we have a 11 month old baby and I am 3 months pregnant. We wanted are kids close together……I went to visit my mother and father for 10 days and came back and my husband told me a few days later that he thought of me as a friend and not romantically anymore. He had come to this while I was away. I am shoked never saw it coming. He says he doesn’t want to be with any other women in a serious relationship again. When I ask him why, what did I do he says I did nothing wrong. I am 24 years old and fincially relying on him. I built my whole life around him. I am very depressed and it’s hard to eat. My mom wants me to take the baby and stay with her 3000 km away. My husband wants me to go to work out his feelings and to go to therapy. He had a bad childhood and is numbing himself. I don’t know to have hope or not…..How do you stop loving someone and how long does it take to move on with your life by yourself. I am hoping therapy will help him but it may not make him love me again. I just want to kiss him and hug him and tell him I love him. I don’t know what to do. I am so depressed.
17 Jun 2007 12:06 am
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
This is a relationship worth fighting for. The children need their dad and you need your husband. The man needs a short course in growing up and living with the commitments he has already made. I trust he will read this and face his family and be the man he is called to be.
18 Jun 2007 02:06 am
facing reality
I hate to say it ladies but I can guarantee that most, now all, of these men are or where cheating on you……… Look at the obvious ladies, women tend to dismiss cheating due to the pain.. I am a man and my mistress be right next to me as I spoke with my wife on the phone, etc. Therefore my wife never ever suspected an affair.
11 Aug 2007 06:08 am
Natasha
My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 8 years and married for 3 and half of those years. Well a few months ago he got a new job and everything was fine until a couple of weeks ago he wanted to start working out all the time (he kept saying he wanted to become more muscular). And he also became very distant, not talking to me, not telling me he loves me, and just not being there. If he was there physically he wasn’t there mentally. I began suspecting something or someone and he would basically get mad at me.
I was to go on a girls weekend and take our 16 month old little boy. Right before I left he told me we should seperate for a little while. We talked about it and I thought it was resolved, and he wanted us to move.
I went on vacation and bearly spoke to him while I was gone. When I came home he didn’t speak to me he kept saying he was sleepy. The following day began the same way…him not talking to me. He then left for a while to go to work and later came back and was still not talking to me. After fighting with him about it he told me that he wanted to seperate and there was another girl (one he worked with) He told me he hung out with her all weekend and they did kiss but nothing else happened.
We talked for a great deal when he told me he regreated it, began crying and called her and told her they can’t talk any more.
I thought it was over…he went into work and had time to think about it and when I saw him a dinner time I could look in his eyes and know it wasn’t over, he wasn’t there with me. We had an argument over the phone and he said he wanted a couple of days…I went to pick up the cell phone and car (its all in my name). The next morning he called me and wanted to come home. He said it was over with them and he wanted his family back (i’m not sure I believe him) Or was it because she told him she was never going to leave her boyfriend for him and wanted nothing to do with the situation….is that the only reason he came back? or was it truely for us?
Without me he has no car, house, phone, nothing and he also doesn’t have her (she never wanted him like that, she was just a freind having a quick fling) So why is he with me? Beacause he has no whereelse to go? If she wanted him would he of gone with her? Is it worth trying to mend my broken heart for it to happen again? She we just move on together or apart? And went will I know its going to work? PLEASE help me I’m so confussed. Did I make the right choice taking him back or should I make him leave so I can start my life over?
15 Aug 2007 09:08 am
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
While one would not condone his behavior – all three of you (husband, wife, son) have a lot of reasons to work at this. Get face-to-face professional help, please!
Thanks for writing,
Rod Smith
16 Aug 2007 06:08 am
stevie nicks
how do you know when enough is enough…
My husband of 21 years is having an emotional affair, when I confronted him about this he just laughed at me. He says that if he’s not having sex, then its not an affair. He calls his “friend” multiple times a day, text messages her, and she has been tagging along at his work. I just found out today that she is now going to work at his work place.
He says he loves me and the best line is “but I just don’t love you in the way you want me to”. He says that he wants to work things out, but I see little effort on his behalf. He is not willing to let go of this friendship, its important to him. I’ve asked him to go to counseling with but he refuses. I can’t work on a marriage by myself.
We have four children and I know that he is still here because of them. I want to work this out, but feel like he is waiting around until he can make his “decision” I am trying to be patient with him, but it is very painful at times. His “friend” is married (no children), but separated (not legally), however, she and her husband live together as “roommates” I feel that my husband is waiting to see what she and her husband do. The sad part of this is that her husband has cheated on her and she has been throw a lot emotionally (my husband runs to her aid to console her), yet here she is doing this to someone else’s family.
17 Aug 2007 05:08 am
NANCY
MY husband went to his country last week for the first time after 14 yrs he came back friday he felt very distant and i missed him so much it was unbearable the time he was away. so i was all over him when he got back but i didnt get the same in return, he told me tonight that he does not love me, he thinks he never really did or that he was confused all these 7 years we’ve been together. i feel like my whole world just ended i don’t know where to start?? where do i go? what do i do?? im just dying inside.. i have no family here and even if they were here they’re no help they’ll just bring me down more.. can anyone please just tell me what to do? i feel so alone… i don’t want him to leave but i don’t want him to stay.. i’m so confused and scared …
03 Sep 2007 11:09 pm
Jessica
My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years, and recently he told me that he was not sure whether he wanted to be with me. He says that he is very angry with me because he feels that I am responsible for him leaving the musical band that he was in. I have no idea what to do, I have tried to talk to him and we always agree that we want to stay together, but we seem to always go back to the same issue. I want to be with him more than anything, and I love him very much still, but I am so confused. His actions show me that he loves me, but when he is angry its a completely different story.When he is not angry he is sweetest guy, the guy that I married. Am i just fooling myself? I am so confused and sad….
12 Sep 2007 10:09 pm
lara
My husband of 19 years has told me more than once he does not love me anymore. At age 42, he started distancing himself. He had a bad childhood, and cannot handle conflict. He has become obsessed with Chinese women and chats on adult web sites. We have a 10 year old whom we both love dearly. We went to counseling but he told the counselor his motivation is a 2 or 3 out of 10. He refuses to move out because of the finances so I am sentenced to a dry loveless relationship. I screamed at him last night after the counseling session and told him to get out of my house and not to eat my food again. He has no empathy maybe because he is ADHD and NLD.
I am tired and spent
18 Sep 2007 01:09 pm
Jackie
My husband is in the military and on his 4th deployment in 4 years. He told me from Iraq he doesn’t love me anymore, and wants a divorce. It just seems it all happened overnight but he says that it hasn’t been right for a long time. We have been married 7 1/2 years and never has it been easy. But I love him with all my heart and we have 2 children together. I just don’t understand!! Is there anyone else out there that has been in my situation?
23 Sep 2007 10:09 am
Hey...I dont know if you are going to see this reply or not...How did your situation end up, bc I am in the same boat now. Although My husband is on his second tour to Afghanistan, and I recently gave birth to our second son who is now 4 weeks old. He told me he didnt love me anymore, and wants a divorce when I was 8 months pregnant. I do love him, but he said it isn't going to work.
11 Jun 2009 08:06 am
Ella
I am so frustrated. I have been with my husband on and off for the past year and we have been married for 2 months. I am pregnant and we fight constantly over his jealousy and insecurities. He brings up the past ALL of the time and he is convinced that I cheated on him while we dated (which I never did). I found his phone bills and he has been talking & texting this woman almost everyday for the past 3 months I confronted him and he blew up. I can not bring up anything that upsets me without HIM turningit around. Yesterday he let me go to talk to another woman ( a co-worker) who he KNOWS I can not stand. This woman is married as well, but is un friendly and rude to me. I sometimes wonder if it will always be this way. It seems to have always been this way, I have just not known. He told me today that he didnt care that he hurt my feelings letting me go yestrday to talk to her. WT heck? A complete stranger would care more than he. I pray for our marriage to work and I ask the good Lord for strength every day. Any advice would be much appreciated.
THANK YOU!!
02 Oct 2007 11:10 am
Janet
Hi. I am seventeen years old and my mother and father have been together for 18 yeas now. On the fourth of July he told her that he didnt love her anymore while my little brother and i were watching the fireworks with some of our friends. When we came back from watching the fireworks i noticed somethig was up by the way they were acting but nothing was said. A few days later my mom came to me a told me what had happened. I was furious and couldnt believe my dad would say and do something so aweful especially when she is the one who keeps everyone/thing in the house going. My dad is a good man but not the best father. He takes more time for himself than he does his family and has an obbsession with riding his bike(like lance armstrong). He is off on the weekends but everymorning he goes on bike rides that sometimes last up to 4 hours. So that same day when my mom confinded in me, they went into the living room and talked. I could clearly hear my mom crying and my dad telling her to shut up. So i burst into the room and told my dad off. I told him he was barely ever here and that he didnt have any right to be talking to my mom like that. I told him that i raise his son more than he does and that we cant carry on family activities becuase he is too busy riding his bikes. Now three months have passed and somehow my parents are “in love again” but i know its fake. My mom is always trying to please him and my dad has been able to get away with what he does without have to change a bit. My mom blamed it all on herself and it makes me sick to see them together. My mom hides her emotions and when my dad isnt around she take everything out on my brother and i. A few weeks ago she was have one of her usual meltdowns and i said why isnt dad ever hear to deal with this. She said in reply, dont go and blame dad for things because you’ll just ruin the family again. She told me this again a couple night later when she burst at my brother for answering the phone. My dad was scolding my brother for crying and i told him he should be more of a father a comfort him. At that point my mom came running in and said oh no you dont janet. Your not going to ruin things again. I am begging to hate the family i once loved. I hate my mom and dad. I think they are fake and disgusting.but i cant help but wondering if i really did ruin things. My other family members tell me not to listen but i cant help but wonder if so much of this is my fault. please help me.
02 Oct 2007 12:10 pm
Heather Armstrong
Hi.
To the last girl – - Janet – - it is definately not your fault. I am a mom to a 14-year old boy and I have been married to his dad for the last 18 years. He has suddenly decided that he doesn’t love me anymore and needs to be “on his own”. Right now he is living with us for financial reasons and will likely stay until the end of this school year. I’m sure my son likely knows there is something wrong, but, I can’t bear to tell him just in case all can be fixed, but, it doesn’t seem like it can be. Anyway, I would never want him to think it is his fault in any way, because it is not. I’m sure your mom will say the same thing – - when I look at how the last 18 years are likely now wasted – - they aren’t because I have my son, the best thing out of my marriage, and, you and your sibling are the best thing out of your parents’ marriage – NEVER, EVER FORGET THAT. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Stay strong and best of luck…
04 Oct 2007 12:10 am
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Dear Janet;
No. You did not ruin a thing. You are not that powerful. You are not sufficiently powerful to ruin or to mend your family. Try to leave that up to the “adults” in your life.
Rod
04 Oct 2007 04:10 am
MJ
Me and my husband have been married for 3 years and 7 months now…and have been physically separated for almost 4 months. We have a 2 year old and I just gave birth to our 2nd child at the end of July ’07. Myh usband seemed to be a firm believer of God but seemed to also “straddle the fence” and wasn’t and still is not walking in line with the Word. He says he has a calling to be a Pastor and is a Prophet. Then why is this happening:
In March my husband was involved in a shooting that claimed a young man’s life. My husband shot back in self-defense and was really affected that he killed the young man but didn’t know he did ’till later on. So we all end up staying at his brother’s house in a near-by city b/c he felt it was unsafe for us to be there. At first he was with me and my son at his brother’s hosue sleeping with us, then he started sleeping over his sister’s house (about a mile away) b/c he didn’t want to stay there b/c he felt his brother’s wife did not keep the house up. Then gradually he started only sleeping with us like 2-3 times a week…claiming to be over at his sister’s house sleeping. We were still paying bills at the otherhouse and when the lights went out, he decided to stay there to guard our belongings and the house.
I had suspicions that through all this he was having an affair. I asked God to reveal it to me and confirm it. He did. I admitted myself to the hospital to get checked out and the doctor gave me a pelvic exam and told me I had an infection, and that it was an STD. So FOR SURE Iknow I didn’t give it to myself and the only person I have contracted it from was myhusband. I was so devasted how he claims to be holy and goes outside of our marriage and passes on an STD to me and our unborn child. I call him and he tells me to get out of “his” (at this time we are back at our house but he’s staying elsewhere syaing it isn’t safe for him to be there) house. So basically he kicks me out (I’m 6.5 months pregnant at the time) and of course I take our almost 2 year old with me.
We end up staying with a friend from church for 2 weeks, during those 2 weeks he didn’t try to contact me or wasn’t even concerned if I had money or food, diapers, etc. Then when he did contact me he told me to call his mom so we could stay with her…basically he didn’t want anymore repsonsibilities.
Before that he would be so critical of me, making me feel bad and guilty for things that I shouldn’t even be feeling guilty about. It was b/c of his own guilt that he was treating me bad. I remember he was driving me to work and he told me that it burns his soul when people lie. (When he was doing the lying all along) Cuz he thought I was lying about going places (when he was). Then I tell him that I married him b/c I believe he is a good guy and he says “I am” and then comes back with “I though you were a good girl but I learned other wise.” He was transferring all his guilt on me and just basically abdoned and rejected me and the kids and I say the kids b/c he doesn’t call toknow how they are doing. He didn’t even call me when I gave birth to our 2nd child.
Over the next weeks/months me and the kids relocated to be with family. I try to talk to him about us working it out and he tells me we are not getting back together and that it’s over. I keep asking him why. And he says I just don’t want to be married I don’t have to have areason to not want to be married. He was always pushing me and demanding me to go ahead and file for divorce. So next time I spoke to him I asked him if he wants it so bad then why won’t he file and he says that I can do more in the state I’m in than the state he’s in b/c we got married in the state I’m in now. (which is another lie)
I spoke to him very recently asking again and that it’s not all about him, he has a family–a wife and kids. Then he confessed that he already has a girlfriend and she is living in the house with him that’s why he wants a divorce. Then he told me I don’t know why you’re waiting on me…you need to find yourself a job and a place to stay. And I say you’re just going to leave your family for “her” ? He couldn’t say anything.
I am praying for him and that woman…(believe me not easy, I was so angry and still am)
I told him I’m not filing and since this is what he wants, and that he’s the one that rejected and abandoned his family, and decided to go outside the marriage and give me and our unborn child at the time an STD that he will have to do it.
In the meantime I’m doing what I have to do as a mother to provide for these children.
What is happening here?
Is this marriage even save-able? (is that a word?)
Will God put this marriage back together?
It’s like he’s in denial about what he’s done…..
I’m going on with my life so i can do what’s needed for me and the children and decided not to contact him unless he calls first about the children, if he wants to work it out, or if he has filed.
15 Oct 2007 10:10 pm
MJ
I forgot to include that this is his fourth marriage, this is my first. I turned 26 this past April and he’s turning 44 in Feb.
15 Oct 2007 10:10 pm
sonia
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years married for 1 1/2 and last night he told me he doesnt love me anymore. We have a 1 year old daughter and divorce is out of the question. Will he ever be able to love me again? Is it always going to feel so cold between us? I always drempt of us growing old and happy together, and it breaks my heart knowing that he is misserable. I hate him for telling me this. What do I do? Could their be someone else?
17 Oct 2007 03:10 pm
Heather
Ok, I wasn’t going to respond to any of this, but why else did I come here, right
My husband and I will be married 12 years on Nov 3rd 2007, together 17. We are high school sweet hearts. I love him soooo much, I feel like I am on a teeter totter, that is the only way to describe this craziness of feelings I have.
I noticed him acting stranger than normal labor day weekend beginning of sept. he went out of town for work for a few days and he usually called me alot, but not this time, I called him rather late to see why he didn’t calle me, he said “cause” I was like what, he said because he didn’t want too, acting really sarcastic, not like him at all. He went on to say, he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. He said we have grown apart since Eskie our dog died last summer ( he was 12 and a half). I was like what, are you serious? And things have escalated from there. He doesn’t want to be married anymore, he says he wants to be single. WHOA!!!. We had a great sex life from what I thought. I also thought we were happy. he says he hasn’t been happy for a hile…..well ya could have fooled me, you schmuck!!! We did everything together, shopped, watched movies. I mean we were inseperable. He said he isn’t seeing anyone, I am like yeah right. I guess he just wants to be a HO. I am soooo hurt, and devastated, I feel like I am going crazy. It is like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but he doesn’t want me to move on either. We are both still in the house, he is supposedly staying with a friend of his from work. I have no idea what to belive, I obviously can’t belive anything that comes out of his disgusting little mouth.I feel so sick to my stomach all the time. I feel like such a fool. We don’t have any children. I feel so all alone.
18 Oct 2007 05:10 pm
Marri
(I am) hurting and have nowhere else to go. I understand what so many of you are saying. My husband and I just had our 2 year anniversary and had a daughter in June. When we first met I was dating someone else. He was so sweet and waited it out. Low and behold we started dating, moved in together, got married, and had a beautiful girl. She is gorgeous.
Shortly after we got married he changed. He would always revert, but he changed. I always thought things would work out. I honestly don’t think that he is in love with me anymore. I think he loves me like you would love someone who gave you a healthy baby and no drama. I think that he wants to be single, because he has not acted like he was concerned with anyone other than himself for a long time now.
We go through so much and i tell myself I am going to leave, but I just really don’t want to. He has threatened to leave me and always come back. But i think it’s more because of our daughter and the joint property than anything else. “it’s cheaper to keep her.” It hurts a lot. On top of the fact that it feels as if he doesn’t want to be here.
I feel like damaged goods now because if we do divorce, I am damaged goods. I’m so young, divorced and now with am infant. Life sucks. I gave up so much to be with him and it feels like he takes that for granted too. I almost would have rather been single when I got pregnant, at least I would have known what i was getting into. He says he loves us, but I have to beg him to spend time with us. Like right now, he’s in the basement as usual and she and I are upstairs. Love truly does hurt. It sucks when you can literally feel your heart breaking piece by piece, daily.
22 Oct 2007 07:10 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Dear Marri:
Thanks for writing.
I trust some of the readers will respond to your letter.
Please browse through this blog and you will see many articles that relate to your situation.
Regards,
Rod Smtih
22 Oct 2007 08:10 pm
Heather
Well, here’s my story for whoever wants to know. Met a guy, fell in love, moved in with him (in CA), got pregnant and started planning the wedding…but then he was physically abusive so I moved home to NC. He moved out to NC once the baby was born and he realized what he was missing. For 8 years, he continued to waiver back and forth between “Nice” Mark sometimes and “Mean” Mark others. Didn’t seem to have much to do with anything I did. I finally kicked him out 2 years ago but we were still having sex – I really wanted him to get counseling and come home b/c I do love him. But, instead, he hooked up with someone at his HS Reunion (RAHS in Minnesota) this summer and is now seriously dating her – sends texts to her with “XOXO” – makes me so sick to my stomach. He says he still loves me and is more attracted to me than her but that it just won’t work with he & I.
30 Oct 2007 01:10 pm
Bobby
Heather –
My heart goes out to you. I am currently going through a tough time. You should never allow someone to ruin your self worth. The main thing is the example that your daughter is exposed too. When you truly Love someone you don’t treat them in that fashion. The greatest example of Love is in John 3:16. We as humans can never reach that level but it is a great expectation each should try to achieve. For your daughters sake you need to remove yourself from someone that has no respect for you as a companion or father. Good Luck and may God Bless You.
05 Nov 2007 06:11 pm
natalya
hi i have problem me and my husband been married only 2 years and sodenly he told me he dosent love me anymore and my son (not by my husband ) im lost i tryed to talk we had so much love when we got married we wanted more kids but now everything changed and im lost i dont know wht to do and i dont want to give up on us i can feel that some where inside he still has love for me i need help
11 Nov 2007 09:11 am
Missy
I’ve been married for 13 years with two beautiful children. I believe my husband is gay. I always had a ‘hunch’ that he was, but he was often affectionate and loving and I’d dismiss my thoughts on the subject. A man has befriended my husband at work and he calls, at times, up to 8 times a day. I have confronted my husband, and he has told me no, that he is not gay and he and this coworker are just friends. However, the co-worker has been rumored to be gay. What are the true signs when your husband denies being gay, yet your gut feeling says he is.
25 Nov 2007 02:11 pm
Seduction and Relationships » Blog Archive » Comment on When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or …
[...] You can read the rest of this blog post by going to the original source, here [...]
Andrea
Hi,
This may sound crude and harsh, but I think there’ s a lot of truth in what I have to say. When your husband tells you that he still loves you, but like a friend or like a sister, it means he’s not physically attracted to you anymore. Obviously everyone ages, but I believe that part of being a good spouse (both partners) is to maintain a certain level of sexual appeal. We are all animals, and part (hopefully a small part) of being attracted to someone is pure physical appearance. This is unfortunate, but undeniable. The main cause of this loss of physical attraction by far (both partners) is getting fat. Fortunately, losing weight is amazingly simple. Do not diet or try any programs or anything like that. Just eat well and exercise. So simple. For a more specific guideline, just exercise every single day and don’t eat any food derived from animals. Trying to remain attractive is a spousal duty, just like being faithful, just like being honest — a duty like any other. Take it seriously and everybody wins.
01 Dec 2007 11:12 pm
Nic
I have read through so many of these comments and I feel terrible for each and every single person on here! As women we sort of let our husbands take such a large lead in our lives. They are the soul decision maker, soul incomes and we as women find our selves catering to each of our husbands needs. I hate that we do this! I have herd so many people say “well women are more emotional than men” men do not really get to an emotional level. No we know how to show our husbands that we care!
My Question is HOW? How is it that a man seems so incapable of feeling or showing it? How can a person spend two months or twenty years with a person and suddenly after saying all along I LOVE YOU just no longer love you! Why do so many people feel as though a divorce is easier than talking and working through something? What example is quitting teaching our children? I hear of more men walking out on there families than I can believe. I have been married for almost 5 years I personally know that marriage is not what it should be. Two people very rarely love each other the same way and keep it that way. More times than none I find that either the husband or the wife are trying to convince the other they are loved. What happened to communication? What happened to people’s devotion, and simply their word? Does true love still exist or is it just a matter of timely convenience?
06 Dec 2007 04:12 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Hello Nic:
May I transfer your comment to a regular post? Let me know and thanks for writing.
Rod Smith
06 Dec 2007 05:12 pm
Tina
I have been married for 20 years. My husband, soon to be ex is 18 years older than me. We each had kids from previous marriages and one child together. After about 10 years of marriage I started going out to bars and staying out late for months. When I look back i am not sure why i did that its like it wasnt even me. He threatened divorce at that time and i never did it again. He went away to war in 08 and when he came back he had to take a job in another state. He now wants a divorce because he says i broke his heart 10 years ago and since then i have not truly treated him as an equal partner and that i gave up on caring. I love him with all my heart. I always thought we would be together forever but i know i took him for granted. He will not consider counseling because he says he loves me and cares about me but hasnt been in love with me for the last 10 years so there isnt anything to work on.I cant imagine my life without him and it is so hard because he is in another state and he wont see me to talk face to face because he says he has to much anger towards me. I know i need to find myself and why i stopped caring i just want another chance. someone please give me some help.
27 Jan 2011 01:01 pm
Nic
Rod, I am not sure what you mean by a “regular post”? I just happened to stumble across this website and started to read and got interested and wrote my thoughts.
08 Dec 2007 07:12 pm
regina
well I have one for the books….I am married 22 years, with him 24 years. we have one daughter. We have a second home in the city and his job moved there. so he started staying in the 2nd home since it was only 5 minutes from the job. he would come home on weekends. we have an apartment which we rent to a single mom and her mother and the child. her daughters father lives one block away. he started to work 6 days a week, spending weekends there and not coming home since he was “tired”. well, I just found a letter from her begging him to come back to her. He lives in one part of the house and she in the apartment. she is my tenent. turned out they have been seeing each other for 8 months. when i asked why, he replied that “we grew apart”. “he was lonely”. Lonely my ass. now I have a mess on my hands. she will have to move. i dont trust him. but he does not want a divorce and says he still loves me. says i am a great business partner. i asked if he would do it again. he replied he is not a priest. said he was not attracted to me anymore. talk about getting kicked in the teeth. every dog has his day and i will have mine. i just cannot make sense of it. i also cant get a straight answer. i am surrounded my deceit.
11 Dec 2007 12:12 pm
Vita
I read these messages and feel good I am not alone but sad that we all have to feel the anguish in a relationship that is suppose to be loving, comfortable, everlasting and trusting. I married my husband only 3 months of knowing him. We have been married a year now and he just told me that he thinks he made a mistake. This is a blow to my heart. I can not help but replay this statement he made over and over and over aain in my head. Due to all the other issues I am facing along with with hime now telling this to me, I have very breif thoughts of ending it all. However, I must keep my mind staying on God….
15 Dec 2007 06:12 pm
cb
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years; two years ago he said our sex life was boring and he wanted to try new things, I agreed. That went alright for awhile but now we’ve gone almost a year without sex. Truthfully our last sexual encounter was only because I complained that i hadn’t had sex in months and was debating calling myself a born again virgin. He grabbed me, we had a less than 10 minute sexual encounter that made me feel so worthless i wanted to pack my bags and leave immediately. We’re now one month away from the year anniversary of that awful encounter and I’m wondering what to do. I’ve tried talking to him, he says he still loves me. As for the no sex, he has a different excuse each time. He blames it on his job, he says he hasn’t been feeling well, he says he has a lot on his mind. He says everything except telling me what is really going on. We were watching a show the other day where the guy opted for murder instead of divorce and my husband said ‘I don’t blame him, divorce is expensive’. I replied ‘should I be worried’. I’ve told him that if he wants to end the marriage he should just say so and we’ll end things peacefully. I also said that if he has an affair or makes me feel really bad and forces me to ask for the divorce so he can tell everyone he thought the marriage was fine and the problem must be me then he can expect me to take him to the cleaners. He’s trying to keep me happy by buying me stupid things such as stuffed animals. If we had sex for every stuffed animal he’s given me then we’d never have gotten out of bed. I don’t have enough room for all these stupid things. It’s almost 3 a.m. and I’m sitting here binging from the stress. I don’t know what to do. Yes we still love each other but I’m in my 40′s; I don’t feel I should have to roll over and play dead just because he doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t know if he’s seeing someone else. I now wish he was so that I knew where I stood and could finally move on with my own life! I’ve told him it’s clear you’re not interested in me physically and he says I’m wrong. I’m overweight but I’ve been overweight my whole life and the stress of this situation isn’t helping me any. I almost feel like divorce would probably be better for me emotionally and physically at this stage since the stress of not knowing is getting to be too much. My biggest anger with this is that he and I never had children and I feel like I’ve wasted my time with him and because of him (he’s the one who can’t have kids) I feel like I missed out on a major part of life. I’m in my late 40′s but I want to run out and get pregnant before it’s too late. I want to have a family and I feel like he’s keeping me from that by not being honest with me.
15 Dec 2007 08:12 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
There is SO much going on here…… please get some face-to-face help. in short I wanted to say that…..
More sex will be as effective as getting more stuffed animals – if you want marital integrity. Then, to “run out and get pregnant” will bring you added complications. Until each party is willing to address, and face your mutual underlying alienation, you will think you need more sex, and he will think you need more stuffed animals.
Rod Smith
15 Dec 2007 10:12 pm
joy
Hey cb and others. I have been married coming up to a year on Jan 20th 2008. My year has been so down. My husband prefers drinking with his 3 loser buddies than being around any positive people.I hardly see him. I feel like we are in very early stage relationship. I hacve been sadly married now 4 times, and I think Iam crazy!!!! I was ateen bride, my husband abused me, then the next had an affair, then the next tried mol;esting my children, then this so called, I will take care of you, SPENDS HIS DAYS AFTER WORK DRINKING, AND WEEKENDS SIMILAR, i GET WHATS LEFT!! i FEEL HE wanted a mother!!! I am very intelligenbt except when it comes to love., I forgive AND GET SHAFTED!!!! bY THE WAY, HE HAS JUST LEFT ME FOR HIS MATES!!! HE IS 50!! HELP!INEED SOME FRIENDS!!!!!I JUST WANTED SOME OF HIS TIME! aM i SCREWED UP???!!!!
18 Dec 2007 09:12 am
vi
hello just like everyone here my husband for almost 20 years told me he dont love me anymore i was so hurt i did not see it coming i always beleive he love me he told me there is no other woman i fell so lost and he been losing weight since nov pls tell me what to do i am so hurt not sure what to do
19 Dec 2007 02:12 am
Girchbeb
I feel so bad for everyone on here. I am having an issue of my own. I have been married only a little over 3 months and every time we have a fight, my husband says he wants a divorce. How do I deal with this? I don’t want a divorce but I feel if he does, it will eventually happen. I feel so low and worthless because of him saying this all the time. Then I feel angry and want to just say “F you” to him. What’s his problem? Nic, you expressed it all very well. I have a lot of those same questions. How can he pretend to love me all this time and when the chips are down, he wants to just give up. I guess it says more about him than it does about me. I am not a quitter, but apparently he is. “When the going gets tough…”
20 Dec 2007 12:12 am
vi
Dec18 husband said he dont love me when he says that i look at him said why ? he said for pass few month this is what he been thinking i did not see it coming coz to me everything its just the same he everyday he told me he love ,, kiss.. and hugging me the way he hold me the touch its always the same ..when he left for work that night i feel i something die on me the feeling i feel its like the day i recieve a call from family that my mother passed away that what i fell i cry all night throwing up dont sleep , he call me from work that he was so wrong for thinking this coz he does love me to much.he said sorry forgive me for saying those words i just look at him and smile i dont know what to feel coz now when i walk up in the morning that words is the one i hear i know he love me i just dont understand why he say it and how do i erase that word in my mind its really really hurt.
20 Dec 2007 07:12 am
cb
How awful of him to say that. I don’t think I could ever forget if he said that to me. Unfortunately part of me wishes my husband would say that so that I can get on with my life. He says ‘love ya’ when he leaves, when we kiss it’s only a quick hello or goodbye kiss, his boss asked how I was doing and he told him ‘she caught my cold and now she’s mad; we’re already sleeping apart from each other and yet she still blames me for her getting sick’. I couldn’t believe he said that. We’re not sleeping apart we”re just two strangers sharing the same bed. When I told my husband that’s how I felt he told me that I was being ridiculous and hormonal! Since I’m pre menopause he blames all my feelings on that. Us not having sex in a year has nothing to do with hormonl feelings; it has to do with him not even trying to be with me. When I’ve made the moves he shut down so quick. He acted as if it was the worst thing in the world. He spent a lot of money on me for my birthday, way over budget. This is a guy who when we were first married I had to ask if I could buy cereal. We never go out, the last time we went out to dinner as a couple was over 10 years ago. He clearly doesn’t want to be with me yet he refuses to say so. I think he wants me to end the marriage so he can tell everyone it was my fault. I recently told him I wanted to take driving lessons which are expensive and before would never have agreed to but this time he said okay without any argument or discussion. I can’t help but think he’s feeling guilty. One other thing, he’s never cared about his looks before and now he’s extremely conscious of his appearance. He doesn’t know I saw him shaving the other day, shaving in an area that was only reserved for me and was something we initially did during foreplay. Now he does it alone and quietly so I can’t see him. Who’s he shaving for. If he’s not having sex with me then who. I wish I knew for sure so I could end this confusion and start to live again. He keeps telling me it’s my imagination and that he loves me. To me, sex with one another is part of showing your love and he’s not doing that. I have to ask for a hug. Even when my mom passed away he didn’t show any love or concern for me. He just said ‘my condolences’. He never asked how I was feeling . My mom lived far away from us and my family paid for me to go to the funeral since we didn’t have the money. He was furious about that. Within hours of her passing he was yelling and screaming at me. I told him then that if he wanted me to come back and continue this marriage he could call me at my moms house where I would be staying to clean up her belongings. My siblings told me I needed to come back since they felt I was making my decision under stress and not thinking clearly but I’m still sorry I came back. I can’t help but feel like I should have left a long time ago. Now I don’t know how to end it or what to do. Am I overreacting, am I making a mistake if I end it, is there still hope for us. I’m so confused.
20 Dec 2007 07:12 pm
vi
Im so confused after he told me he dont love something on me just died but he said he really love he was wrong for thinking that or say it he ask for forgivenes and now when he told me he love me i quetion my self if he really say it from his heart but the love he show me for almost 20 years still there and still the same touch ,, the hugging. kissis and maken love its the same but ,, you all think he really love me if he does why he say that its hurt
pls advice
21 Dec 2007 12:12 am
Sherry
Well last year my husband told me I was fat & ugly and I didn’t look good in lingerie and didn’t turn him on anymore. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried for days. I still cry about it if I focus on it. Our marriage has sucked for about the last 3 years. I keep hoping it’ll improve but realistically I know it is not going to. Last night he told me he didn’t trust me any more and didn’t “think” there was any love there either. For once in our relationship that didn’t bother me. I normally cry when he says hurtful things but this time I didn’t. I just smiled, stood up and walked out of the room. I’m going to work on a divorce plan this week. I finally reached a point where I have had enough and I’m not going to stay just because of the kids. I’m nervous about being on my own again since I make very little and he has basically supported me for the last 11 years, but I’m ready to be happy again and I don’t see happiness coming if I stay with him.
23 Dec 2007 03:12 pm
vi
like i said he said sorry after few hour for saying he dont love me now we are are back he same he love me but i question thats so i dont know i am still hurting i love him w have a good married its just shocking me really hard ,i still canot believe it i dont really see it coming i hope one day i forgive him .. right now ..i am just worry about the kids and of course i am scrared
for almost 20 years i always beleive he loves me i dont know ..knows..so confused and all
24 Dec 2007 01:12 am
sam
when my husband said to me that he loved me but most of the time he didn’t well that was a real hurtful thing but you know what i’m real gald he told me that because that explains why our relationship does not improve. If a person does not like someone nice comments or anything physical is never going to happen. I don’t get a kiss, a hug, anice comment, a i love you over the phone nothing all this is truely forced well enough is enough you can’t force love no matter if you feel diffrent for him as i learned the heck with him then 7 years down the drain well so be it then. I will not hurt anymore this makes space for someone who will love me, romance me, makes me laugh, and talk about things like very best friends. I have 3 kids one of another previouse marriage and 2 with him but you know what i rather my kids not be around all this fighting and raise them in a better enviorment with dear old mom well i am not to old i am only 31 but still with all this crud and stress i feel SUPER old. His lost i say because a bad wife i was not so too bad i say life goes on and so i am moving out with my kids starting a new life we will attend every family function there is and just simply have fun if feel i need to cry that’s why there are pee breaks and then i will put a smile right back on my face till i suck out all the sad from me. I am not the first nor the last i am sad to say but we will get over this. How dumb i don’t love you anymore…well then whatever and if there is someone else then good luck to her i am not concerned. I know who i am and what i did so no worries here! Ladies take it, move on, your kids will always come first and be happy with them and you will find out that they are all you need. Latter you will find someone for yourself again and will be able to strut your stuff again and be happy when the time is right! Good luck to you all!
27 Dec 2007 12:12 am
Carla
I am so happy I am not alone. My husband has consistently been emotionally abusive. He calls me horrible names and is always trying to control my life. He is constantly unfaithful and I do not know why I am still here. He just recently told me he didn’t love me anymore and I knew that was coming. I feel like the christian thing to do is to stand on my marriage and work with him…
04 Jan 2008 02:01 pm
Rod
Dear Carla:
Consider calling me. I will send you the number: no tricks or strings attached or hidden agendas….. Please, also see many other posts — particularly the ones addressed to women who are Christians and are married….. to difficult men…..
Rod Smith
04 Jan 2008 02:01 pm
di
I am in a situation that i feel i will never recover from. I have been married for 4 years and am currently 7 months pregnant. I dated my husband for 3 years prior to our marriage. Less than one year into our marriage my husband told me that he didn’t love me anymore and that he had feelings for someone else (a girl he met at work). I took the news very badly and ended up in the hospital. We tried a few sessions of marital counselling after that and things seemed to get better. I told him that I didn’t want him to say “I love you” until he really meant it. One year later, and after quitting his old job where he worked with the girl he liked, he confessed again that he had still been in touch with her. He said that he didn’t love me and that he had fallen in love with her. He seemed remorseful and felt guilty and was open to trying marital counselling again. We tried a few sessions and things seemed to be going okay. We stopped going after the therapist said we were fine. (I knew we were not fine!) During the year I kept asking my husband how he felt things were between us. Sex has always been an issue, particularly my issue. And i often felt pressure to have sex with him, but how do you have sex with someone who says they don’t love you? In spite of the lack in our sex life, he kept saying things were okay. Then suddenly about a month ago, he said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore and went to stay with his parents. I waited in limbo while he “sorted out” his feelings. Two days before Christmas he told me he wanted to separate and that our marriage was over. I felt like my life ended that day. I am pregnant with our first child and now there is no father to care for it. I feel abandoned and alone. I tried everything i could think of to get him to stay. I begged him not to leave me. That only seemed to anger him and drive him further away. It’s been a week or two now and i am accepting that he doesn’t want me and won’t come back. My question is how do you pick up the peices of your life? How do you get over something so devastating?
05 Jan 2008 12:01 am
vi
oh lord sorry to hear that i know what you feelling when i hear i dont love you anymore and i want devorce and i dont know what im feelling its killing me i dont know what to think all i feel is my world is over just like your husband he sorted his feelling before new year eve he told me he want us and we are back but i still keep asking him about the words he said its same like we are just like before nothing said .if i dont think about it but i canot help it thinking about it and not to ask . and Di i pray for you pray for your husband that hope he make a right choice and clear his mind before its to late
05 Jan 2008 05:01 am
vi
Will time to move on i try and try but i wont force my self to a man does not love me i will be happy again but right now still hurt i dont deserve this one day you woke up and your husband tell you i dont love you anymore grrrr the shock is killing me and i told him dont tell me about the pass is like this like thats i know there is another woman thats the reason he told me that its just excuses excuses about passed but now im rready he want to go alone go for it enjoy and good luck and no more turning back i feel everyone felling here i know its killing us but that the way it is we deserve better than this coz if we are to bad we cannot make it to 20 years married Good Luck all !
06 Jan 2008 02:01 pm
Ann
Hi Ladies, just a bit of advice, if your husband says he doesn’t want to be married or doesn’t love you anymore, as much as it hurts, the best thing you can do is nothing……Go about your business, act happy, be nice, don’t beg, don’t plead, don’t cry and make him try to feel sorry for you. Listen to me, as hard as this sounds it works. Work on yourself, be your own person, let him always see you are happy. Men don’t want to pull away from happy women!! They want to pull away from a woman who is yelling, nagging, etc etc. I AM NOT SAYING IT’S YOUR FAULT BY ANY MEANS!!!!!
Starting today, start taking care of yourself, pamper yourself, love yourself the way you want to be loved, throw your energy into your kids and yourself. Any contact with your husband or boyfriend be nothing but pleasant and nice. no fighting, no blaming. If he brings up divorce, breaking up tell him you don’t want that but YOU’LL SUPPORT HIM IN HIS DECISION. And leave it at that.
Sometimes, men just go thru this stuff, maybe mid life crisis??
Get your hair done, nails done (if you can afford to do so) give yourself facials, make yourself feel good about yourself and it will shine through.
Remember, no yelling, no begging him, no freaking out on him, that only pushes them away more!!
And don’t keep bringing up the past of hurtful things he has said and did, that just creates more drama.
Best of luck to all of you!!!!
08 Jan 2008 05:01 pm
Katherine
Although I can see some merit in the last poster’s response, much of it is only applicable early on when lines of communication are open and hope exist.
My husband after 20 some years was a nice good guy. I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world as we were genuinely best friends – what a farce! Within a month or so he started to change. Turned his back 180 degrees and didn’t want to be around me, talk with me or have me in his life. Needless to write it has been devastating. I feel as this has been a nightmare or he has gone off the deep end.
Which brings me to what I have done about it and where my head has been during these months of anguish.
Well, I’ve hit 3 markers.
1st Marker. I was supportive, empathetic and worked on myself; (we were still living together during this time). Soon thereafter he left as my self change and supportiveness wasn’t enough.
2nd marker – Gradual acceptance and loss of hope. I could click away this hope, which in itself was its own pain;. If I’m brutally honest I still hold out a morsel of hope for him – but 99% is gone During this stage I began to pull away and see myself as a single person.
3rd and current marker – deep deep anger. Why should I make life easy for this pathetic fragment of character? It would feed right into his selfish hands and help him avoid and forget the last 20 some years with me and his lies. Why in the hopes of getting him back??? I want him to pay for the emotional pain he has put me through. I want him to feel the anguish. My sep/prop agreement will make him pay financially but its not enough. We don’t have kids, thank goodness because I wouldn’t know how to hide these feelings from them. I just know that these feelings are “War of the Roses”. There was a lot of passion in our relationship and it’s transferred into some negative ball of anger within me. I feel as if I will either self destruct and in the process bring him down. I’m not exaggerating here, I want the man to crumble .
Oh as far as another’s comment of whether he found me sexually appealing or attractive. This is one area that is not applicable to my situation. He finds me attractive and appealing – it’s my personality and the past that he says he can’t stand. And yes I worked out my kinks and in the process I should thank the idiot for making me a better person, less this anger I now feel.
Anger, hopeless and destructive and I don’t know what to do with these feelings. Please someone help.
11 Jan 2008 09:01 am
lou
If he is cheating, and sadly I have loved a man who is unable to remain faithful, let this be a lesson. He may love you, but he will always cheat. I am 10 years in and have kids. He is a total bastard but I love him. Please move on, he will never make you happy. I believe a man who loves a woman would treat her better. You deserve adoration and respect. Clearly you are not getting this. If, he is able to satisfy you at home, then you will manage the disloyalty. I doubt it. You want his love, if he can give it, fab! But, if he hesitates, negotiates, you know he ain’t the man. Not that he isn’t perfect, but, he is no longer you’re perfect. He chooses to be different, seperate, distant, as he is a seperate thing. You are the same if no more. Youn are the power and force. You are the love, gentle, caring, kind, thoughtful, able, creative, determined person. He is the decider. Give yourself power. YOU deserve it all
15 Jan 2008 08:01 pm
sam
I get what Ann is saying, (a few posts up) but when one has a husband who is also DONE trying to make things work with his child, it’s more complicated. We have an extremely stressful home life and my husband does not want to go to family therapy, he hates the idea of even working through a book together. He said this morning, in front of our nine year old, that he was pretty much done trying to make things work in our family. I’m so devastated. I never thought that someone I loved for so long, and who loved me, could change so much. We’ve been married 11 years, friends for years before that, and now because of a difficult child, he’s become an angry, closed-off, verbally offensive husband and father. Life feels so unbelievably long and unbearable at this moment.
16 Jan 2008 11:01 am
Katherine
I thought I was the only one. I don’t know why I thought that, but I did. I felt so alone. Now that I know that I’m not the only woman a husband just up and leaves, I feel a little better, but I feel sad for all of you too. I’m going to be having our child in two weeks, and I’m not sure where my husband is. He’s miltary, and things were so wonderful in the beginning, and we were happy. Then, one day he left for a training, and he came back a different man. It was awful. I’m back home with my parents, for the first time ever. I’m 28, I have three children from a previous marriage, and I think the only word that I can think of to describe myself is failure. How could I fail again? I feel like he was just testing the waters to see if he liked the “dad” and “husband” role, he having never been married before. I guess when I got pregnant and he realized it was forever, he freaked. I don’t know. All I know is that he left and we haven’t heard a word from him in three months. The kids wonder where he’s gone, I don’t even know if he’s going to be at the hospital. I doubt it. I don’t know what I’m going to tell our daughter. I can’t get over the “why” questions. I just felt so shocked. So betrayed. So angry and disappointed. I’m slowly beginning to make plans for my future. Does anyone else find it difficult to forgive? Is anyone else stuck? I pray and I pray, some days I feel better than others, but will it ever really stop hurting?
17 Jan 2008 11:01 pm
Mikki
I’ve been married going on 12 years this year and Monday, my husband told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore. He said he needed to think things thru and get his thoughts together. I’m not real sure what this means for me and my child. I thought we were doing great! I am kind of scared of starting over. I don’t know if I know really know how or where to start. My family lives 500 miles away. He says he’s not sure of his feelings yet. So does that mean I just wait around until he’s sure? I also have all the “why” questions like the post above me. I feel hurt and sick to my stomach. I feel so confused. I too pray for strength and guidance while he’s “making up his mind”. He said he’s beeing “faking” that he loves me for a long time. Ouch… that hurts. I have cried for days and only today have I done better with that. My child needs me to focus on him now and make him feel secure, but I feel so upset, lonely and betrayed by his father, that it’s hard to concentrate on what I need to do. Do you all feel this way? I feel like I’m going to end up homeless under a bridge somewhere, ya know?! Just sick and scared to death!
19 Jan 2008 09:01 pm
VAL
MIKKI,
I AM WHERE YOU ARE WITH A 5 YR OLD DAUGHTER AND JUST WANT MY HUSBAND TO ATTACH HIMSELF TO ME AND HER AND NOT HIS JOB AND HIS PARENTS. HE IS A MOMMAS BOY AND TELLS HER ALL HIS PROBLEMS. I WISH THAT I COULD JUST KEEP MY MOUTH CLOSED AS HE ASKED ME TO BUT I AM SO FRUSTRATED, HURT AND SICK AT MY STOMACH. THE OTHER DAY I GOT MAD AT HIM AND HE PUT HIS HANDS ON ME THEN I TURNED AND THREW AN OBJECT AT HIM. I KNOW THIS IS REALLY ABUSIVE ON BOTH OF OUR PARTS BUT I AM ALMOST READY TO GET A DIVORCE. GOOD LUCK HANG IN THERE AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE HURTING!!
27 Jan 2008 12:01 pm
di
Need some advice… my husband and I separated only a few weeks ago. I am eight months pregnant. (I posted my story a few posts up). He said that he didn’t love me anymore, that in fact he had fallen out of love with me three years ago (we’ve been married for four). I was devastated. I still am! I am having such a hard time getting over him. On his part, he seems fine and ready to get on with his life. Well, I just found out that he’s having a “special someone” over for dinner tommorow night. I assume he’ll be cooking for her because that’s what he used to do for me. I feel sick to my stomach. I am shaking I am so upset. I want to go to the house (that we still own together!) and walk in on them and catch him! Is that so wrong? I want to make him feel guilty for abandoning me. But will he feel guilt or only annoyance that i’ve ruined his special night. Advice please!
31 Jan 2008 10:01 pm
MJ
why did you leave the house that you two own together? If you don’t feel like you’re ready to file, don’t. Do it only when you are ready. Have you gotten tested for STDs? I have been there, my husband was cheating on me I believe since i was almost 6mos pregnant. He gave me 2 STDs. Luckily none of them were life threatening…but it’s shocking b/c something could’ve happened to our unborn child. I would refer you to marriagebuilders.com Start there, I’m sure plenty of people there would give you encouragement and support. Statistics show that affairs don’t last. And if they do get married it’s very likely it won’t last. Please go and visit marriagebuilders.com and start posting on the forum.
02 Feb 2008 12:02 am
di
I left because it was too painful for me to stay there, with all of our memories. After initially telling me that he did not want to be married anymore, I tried several times to convince him to come back, to try counselling, to try to work on our marriage. I literally begged him not to leave me. He said it was over, and said it with such finality that I know it’s over for him. He swore to me that there was nothing physical between he and this other woman (I don’t believe there is an issue with STD’s), but i know that there was an emotional affair while we were married. Having been separated only a few weeks, with the papers not even being signed, I was so devastated that he would start seeing her so quickly…. I never even had a chance. I think he was waiting for us to be finished so he could finally be with her. I have no choice but to file now, whether i am ready to or not. I don’t want to put my life on hold hoping that his relationship with this other woman doesn’t last. I want to move on too. But i still love him so much and i just can’t seem to get over him. I don’t want to live every moment wondering what he’s doing and imagining him with her. It’s a slow torture….
Thanks for the website… i’ll check it out. Question… are you still with your husband?
03 Feb 2008 02:02 am
MJ
Again, I hope you’ve visited marriagebuilders.com
I believe it can help you a lot! I would stop with the begging, pleading, reasoning with him. That will push him away more. It’s like reasoning with a drunk person – just doesn’t work! Do not appear needy, don’t try to make him feel sorry for you. Be strong. Show him you CAN make it w/out him.
You don’t believe there’s an issue with STDs?? Please get checked for your sake and your child’s sake. Even though he IS your husband..do not put anything past him. I also thought there wasn’t an issue…until I got the results.
You said: ‘I was so devastated that he would start seeing her so quickly…”
He has been seeing her all along…
Please go to marriagebuilders.com, even if you don’t want to post anything at least read the posts there. Make sure you post/read in the general topics II forum.
DO NOT file or sign anything based on your emotions. I urge you to file if and when YOU are ready. You CAN move on w/out getting a divorce. I have. I’ve gone back to school and given my children a waaaaaay better life then I had with him. I still love him, but it’s his loss, not mine.
Time will heal all wounds. I KNOW it is hard NOT to think of what they’re doing. But in time you will not think of it as much.
We’re still married. I found out he filed for divorce in the state he’s in. The info he gave on his complaint, even though signed by the judge is NOT VALID. So…I believe it won’t even go tthrough. God knows my heart and I’m keeping my faith in His promise to me. That is why things are not going to work out the way my husband wants it to regarding this divorce. A lot of things are going on that are not quite right. At first I was shocked..but my instincts tell me it won’t go through.
Please, PLEASE check that site out.
Hope you get tested…it’s for the sake of your health and your baby’s health. I’m glad I did it.
07 Feb 2008 03:02 am
Mister
Well, my relationship of 4 years was confirmed this morning when she woke me up to say that she loves me and that she wasn’t in love with me anymore. She told me that I did nothing to her and that I’ve been the best man ever to her. But she says she doesn’t know why but her feelings are getting stronger. So I must move in a month. I love her alot and part of me says fight for her and the other part says let it be. This is hard to handle because I don’t have children and have adapted to her three children. Its hard to be a good man. Be told I’m a good man and then come to find out it doesn’t mean jack. Women always talking about finding a good man and how hard it is to find one. Well from this experience women don’t know what to do when they do get what they think they want.
10 Feb 2008 02:02 pm
Kelly
My husband left us (my son and I) – Oct of 2006 – from Nov 06 to Aug 07 we continued our sexual relationship – we had a closer relationship, so I thought then we did when we lived together. Aug 07 – we talk and he said that he never had any intention of ever getting back together, that he basically used me for sex. I on the other hand, was falling back in love with him, and he had every intention of doing this to me, I think. Now, he is seeing another woman, or should I say girl – it hurts, as he has told our son, that he can not see this relationship being forever, he is not serious, she will not get involved in our sons life. This was 1 month ago he told him – well, she is now involved in my son’s life. How can a father tell his son all of this – knowing that he would tell me and give me hope that there is still a chance with us. i will not give up until we are divorced, as I love with man with all my heart. Please comment – am I being naive and have hopeful when I shouldn’t be
15 Feb 2008 03:02 pm
Tami
My husband called me on Friday to tell me how much he loved me. The following Tuesday he came home and told me he was leaving me. He moved his clothes out Saturday. He called me the following Thursday morning, which was Valentine’s Day to tell me happy valentine’s day. He told me he was going to call me later that night to discuss things. He never called so that night I went over to his brother’s at 10, where he was staying. He was asleep in his work uniform and had been since he got off work. The next day he came over and told me I had until Thursday to file a divorce or he would. He told me he still loves me but I make him weak. He told me that when he looks at me it’s like there is a wall between us. He told me he is still in love with me but that he doesn’t want to be with me. He finally today agreed to go to marriage counseling but he has a bad attitude about it. It’s all so weird.
18 Feb 2008 08:02 pm
MJ
Tami,
your husband seems CONFUSED. Is this a sudden change in his attitude?
Do not file for divorce unless you are ready to. There are so many things to think about before filing. I suggest you seek legal help just to stay a step head.
22 Feb 2008 02:02 am
cb
I complained to my husband about our lack of physical relations and told him I wasn’t going to wait forever nor did I intend to go without for the rest of my life. The next morning he had the nerve to say ‘come on let’s do it, you said you wanted it’. I just looked at him and told him I didn’t want it that way nor did I want it if I have to nag and beg. I’m trying to work up the courage to say we need to end it, there’s nothing left and I no longer care what he thinks. My male friends have all said ‘the problem has gone on too long, it doesn’t sound like it can be repaired’. I agree and I’m now at the point where i don’t want to fix it. Any suggestions, this isn’t living, I feel like I died a long time ago. I just don’t care about anything anymore, he’s hurt me emotionally so much. His neglecting me has made me feel worthless as a woman, has made me feel ugly and in reaction to that pain I’ve gained 20 lbs. I just wish he would tell me he doesn’t love me, I wish he would have an affair, I wish he would leave me, tell me it’s over, anything to end it so I don’t have to continue with this emptiness and loneliness. Due to our financial situation I need for him to end it, he knows I’m trapped and have no where to go, he knows I can’t survive on my own until a divorce is final. He controls the finances, he makes the money, the home is in his name, I have no one here and he knows it.
23 Feb 2008 08:02 am
Debbie
My husband began acting differently after our 25th anniversary in 2006. He changed the way he wore his hair, bought different clothing, got expensive eye glasses, started drinking more frequently, and started taking cooking classes even though he’d never cooked anything in his life. He lost interest in sex – at least with me, and also lost interest in other activities we used to enjoy as a couple and a family. We have two children, ages 13 & 18, and they noticed a change in him as well. We’d been planning to redo the kitchen and he suddenly decided not to. Our life stayed in this weird, cold, distant hold pattern for over a year. I’d ask him if he was mad at me about something or if he wanted a divorce, but the answer was alway no. Then in November 2007, two days after I was elected to local office and we were on vacation, he told me he wasn’t happy, he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He says he’s not seeing anyone, but I don’t know for sure if that’s true. It’s now March and I’m still waiting for him to file for a divorce. He doesn’t want me to get an attorney or discuss it with anyone, including relatives. But I’ve already told my family anyway. He says he’ll get around to getting a separation agreement drawn up when he feels like it. Living with someone who doesn’t love me, but won’t take action to end the marriage and doesn’t want me to either is like a very cruel form of torture. I just want him to divorce me if he’s going to, so I can get on with my life. What’s he waiting for? What can I do?
02 Mar 2008 11:03 pm
ACC
My wife of 6 years just told me last night that we had grown apart and that the passion had gone away,hence she wants to separate.Her mom just diad in November and she is sort of in an urge to start over in every aspect of her life, including the vows we took 6 years ago.
I need some outlook to this
Please
10 Mar 2008 12:03 pm
rose
Bobbie, where are you? Tell me what is going on with you? Are you doing better?
ACC, give her some space. Give yourself sometime to also reflect. its going to be hard, but answers will come with time.
Dear Debbie, I can so relate. Take the advice that I have not been able to take myself. Divorce him. Take control of your life.
11 Mar 2008 10:03 pm
vi
when husband told me he dont love me i was :…..: my mouth dropp ack and find out he been talking to a woman he said just a friend i said let me your friend the woman dont want to meet me so i just let them talk i never bothered or interrup them he ask me for devorce i said k go away and their a time i dont answer my husband phone call at all i show it to him im ready on what ever happen i told him im done crying , i have enought stress .. cannot eat im done on that so let get devorce go away and that time he woke up and tell the woman dont call anymore i believe him nothing happen to them coz he always in the house money still the same nothing messing but the trust i have for him before is not the same anymore not sure if will come back and every week i always nuggg always ask i dont care im still hurt
15 Mar 2008 12:03 am
Kathy
I have been a lonely marriage for over 20 yrs. with a husband that is a loner and sex has been a big fighting topic for years. For a long time, I hung on in hopes that things would get better. Why do women put their husbands before themselves? Is it something that is instilled in us a small girls? My parents were not happy and my dad cheated on my mom. Now we are having trouble with our son getting a job and making something of his life. He is content staying in his room all day and night and being difficult to deal with. I find myself losing it on a consistent basis because I see nothing get better. Men cannot seem to admit that their behavior is 80% of the problem a lot of times because they are stubborn. We must, as women, hold ourselves up high and know in our hearts that this life was given to us by our creator. We have to stop living our life around some man that treats us badly and we allow it to happen. We have to not be afraid of moving out, making new friends (men or women) and starting over. We have to value ourselves and be happy. For years I tried to make sense of things, but when you are married to someone who makes you feel crazy and that you are the problem, then I do feel it is time to move out for a period of time and search for clear answers. Love yourself, ask for help from family or friends, and know that God wants us all to be happy, happy people and not to be walked on by any man.
15 Mar 2008 03:03 pm
MJ
Spouses,
take control of your life. You CAN’T control your wife’s husband’s actions/attitudes, BUT
YOU can control how you react. Change begins with you.
As mentioned before, answers will come in time. Take this time to work on YOU.
22 Mar 2008 11:03 pm
Shauna
Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years been together for 9, we have 2 children 6 an 7, after a few months of my noticing there was something bothering him (I asked him constantly what was wrong) I finally had had enough and told him he needs to figure out what was going on, he told me that he didn’t know if he loved me, he thought that I never wanted to marry him (which is the furthest from the truth that I have ever heard!) and he wanted to separate, he moved in with his mother last night and I am a total mess, I put on a brave face for my children, but as soon as they go to bed I cry myself to sleep, I love him with all my heart and I told him this several times, I asked him to go to counseling before he left and he said he didn’t think it would help. Then as he was leaving he told me he was leaving to see if we can work things out. I want him back, and I want to give him space and time but then part of me really just wants him to get some help and talk to someone, does anyone have any advice?
03 Apr 2008 03:04 pm
Chrissy
I wish I was there to give all of you a hug. I know it hurts. And I know that it seems like the pain will never end. I can’t tell you when your heart will begin to mend, but I can tell you that it will get better a little bit at a time.
My husband admitted to me that he is not in love with me. This was something I suspected during the pregnancy of our now four year old son. We’ve been married now for 5 1/2 years. I can’t really tell you that my heart is mended. but the pain of being in a lifeless, passionate marriage doesn’t seem to hurt as much anymore. There is no sex, only when I initiate it (Which I don’t anymore). No dates, no birthday presents, Christmas gifts, mother days, anniversaries, valentines, no just becauses, etc. I pretend to not care when a special event comes around, but deep down inside, it seems to reopen old wombs. so I remedy this problem by buying my own flowers and getting all dressed up and going out to a dinner and movie by myself. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s much better than waiting on him to ask me out.
And the worst part about this whole situation is that he thinks that his marriage is okay the way it is. I hate it when he calls me sweetheart. I hate it when he carry on in the house like we’re not together. we sleep in seperate rooms and part our seperate ways during the day. (It’s mostly him leaving the room when I enter it.)
He’s not a bad person, everybody around us think that he is the perfect guy, father, christian, provider and presumably, husband. As a matter of fact, my family thinks that I am an ingrate wife for sometimes compalining. But then again they can’t quite understand why there seems to be little or no life left in me. That I’m not the same happy go lucky Chrissy that I used to be. They don’t want to hear the truth, so I don’t tell them the truth. And the truth is I am trapped in a lifeless marriage. I pray for all of you ladies. Please keep your head up.
09 Apr 2008 03:04 am
Amanda
I thought I was all alone unitl coming to this site. I’m relieved to find out that i’m not, but it saddens me to think that there are so many other women feeling the pain i’m going through. I’ve been with my husband for four and a half years, married for 3 1/2. We have two beautiful children, both girls. They are 3 and 1 1/2. My husband also told me, about 6 days ago that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. We have had a lot of rough times in our life together as well. When we first got together I was hurting from a previous relationship. I was cold and distant from him and could not bring myself to love him, as I was in love with the other man still. He was patient with me and worked with me to try and get me to open up. I liked him, yes but I didn’t feel sparks with him. I did love hanging out with him, though. Like grew to love eventually and I thought we were happy. We got married and had a baby. We were very young..17 when we got married. Throughout our first 6 months or so of being married everything was fine. Then when I was 7 months pregnant with our first child he told me he was no longer in love with me and wanted to seperate. He was back after a week and cried and told me he was sorry. I forgave him and all was ok. When I found out I was pregnant again he freaked out.. our 1st was only 8 months old and I was on birth control and it was totally unplanned. He lost his job and refused to look for work elsewhere. I was going to college, working full time, taking care of a baby, and trying to deal with the stress of being pregnant again and a husband who would not work and wanted to stay out all night long doing god knows what! I couldn’t take it and I packed up and me and the baby moved out of state to a friends house. My husband got in his car and drove 8 hours to beg me to come home. I forgave him and came home. He was good to me for a few more months and then when I was about 5 months pregnant with our 2nd child he moved out and was seeing another woman. After about 2 weeks he was sorry again and he came back. Lasted a few weeks until he was gone again. I cut off all contact with him and did not hear from him again until the night I went into labor. He came to the hospital and he kissed me while I was in labor. He stayed the night with me and then when it was time to take the baby home he came home as well. He stayed with me 4 months this time. Then I awoke one night to an empty house. He was gone and so was our car. My mother in law had the children for the night. I called his cell phone and checked his messages when he would not answer. There was a message from his ex girlfriends mom saying that he has better hurry up or her daughter was just going to bed. I found him at 6 in the morning and confronted him.. he swears he never went and saw her but that yes, they had been talking again b/c they ran into eachother and she only called to let him know she had had her baby. Then he came home for one night and the next thing I knew he was completely moved out and living with this girl. She had a newborn baby and he would rather have lived with her than with his own family. He would constantly come see me, call me, and tell me he didn’t love her and that he loved me…etc,etc. I got sick of being his “secret” and one day when he left he told me he would be back in the morning. So i left and wasn’t there in the morning. He got so mad that he destroyed all my lingerie, and stole a package of pictures that I had just gotten done of myself in the lingerie. Then one day he called and told me he was sorry and wanted to see me an that he had left her for good. I went to see him and we got back together. The girl kept trying to contact him, but he genuinely would not speak to her and did not seem to care for her. That was a little over a year ago and we have been great, until 6 days ago. He was staying home every night, working again, buying me presents, telling me sweet things, etc and now this. He just thinks we have grown apart and he “loves me, but isn’t in love with me” and I think its a croc. How can anyone rip somebody’s heart right out of their chest like that? He is still at the house as well.. even trying to sleep in the same bed. I doubt an affiar because he is at work and then he is at home with us. 2 days after telling me he didn’t love me anymore he told me that he did still love me and that the only reason he told me he didn’t is because he was upset with me because I haven’t been spending time with him or paying any attention to him. So i tried to spend time with him but he wasn’t allowing it. So I gave up. I sat him down last night and we talked and he told me again that no, he is not in love with me. & on top of that, when I questioned him about another woman he denied it.. but he had been out til 3 a.m. one night and when I brought it up he said “you really wanna know what I was doing? I was out doing dope with my cousin” Nice, right? So he is on drugs on top or everything else. I have gotten to the point where I have little or no respect for him. Anyone that has hurt me that many times is not worthy of my love. The one good thing is that I realized I no longer love him either, I still care about him, and I am sad that our marriage is ending. & yes, I feel like a failure. If I can’t even keep a man happy what am I good for? I feel depressed, but also strangely refreshed. This is a chance to make over my life and to be with someone who will actually love me and treat me right! I don’t look at this as a death sentence I look at it as a chance at a fresh start. I care for him and always will.. and I am still hurting but I believe that everything happens for a reason. If we are meant to be together, we will be. It’s going to be hard, but I am strong enough to make it through! & I hope that all of you find the strength to endure and to make the best out of your situation. good luck to all of you.
31 May 2008 10:05 am
Missy
My husband of 12 years told me the other day he doesn’t think he wants to be married anymore. We have 4 kids together (between 12 yrs and 8 months). He says he still loves me, but I feel like a failure – I don’t know what I did to make him think he may not want to be with me anymore. He doesn’t know if he should leave, even for a while. So, he’s still sleeping in our bed and still wants to act the married part – in all aspects. He stopped saying “I love you,” which he would always do at the end of a phone call, or when we’re leaving for work.
I can’t saying anything because he’ll feel like I’m pressuring him. I don’t know what to do. He was my rock, my person to lean on. I don’t have anyone to lean on during this. Worst of all, I feel like I’m being strung along – that one day, I’m going to wake up alone, not knowing what just happened to my life. I kind of feel like that already.
31 May 2008 04:05 pm
Tammy
Man, I am reading everyone stories and I just started crying, because I can relate….I have been married to my husband for 13 years, we have 2 wonderful kids…We have been through more in 13 years then most people go through in their entire life. Memorial Day weekend…he ask me when I was planning on pay his truck payment…I told him this week and all of a sudden he bit my head off. He got up off the couch and was on our room for a little while, then came out with a bag…He said he was leaving…Where did this come from? With everything else we have dealt with…I calmly said if you walk out your not coming back…He replied that is fine and he left. About 20 minutes later he calls me and says he doesn’t know what is going on with him, but he doesn’t love me anymore, nor is he in love with me, and that he needs to be by himself for awhile but in the same conversation tells me he loves me with all his heart and I am all he thinks about. What do you believe? I love this man more than life it self, but I felt like I needed to be the one to be stable for our kids….I told him I understood, but I really didn’t. I just didn’t want to fight about it. We have had conversations about our relationship previously through the years…Nothing ever getting to this point…Usually we would end up yelling and screaming at each other and saying more things that neither of us really meant. He told me that it had nothing to do with me…it was all him…I am wondering is it really? At the end of the conversation he ask if he could come home. I told him that he could, but I slept on the couch. The next morning I was moving forward. I went and look at some apartments…filled out the application and was moving the weekend of June 1. I told him that I was done dealing with my emotional side of what he told me. I ask him for a divorce. We set down and dicussed our belongs…who was getting what and so on. He said he would pay for the divorce as long as I didn’t contest it…so, I was moving forward…The next morning he calls me on my way to work and said he had been doing some thinking and that I am what he wants and he does love me and is madly in love with me….he cried and I cried and I decided to stay, but everytime we talk it is empty unless we are in person. I feel that I may have made the biggest mistake by staying. I ask him daily if WE are OK…he says yes, but this knot in my stomach says were not…Did he retract what he said because I was ok with moving forward? I do truly love him with all my heart and damn I have never been in love with anyone the way I am with him. He is my everything…but how do I get past this and work it out?
05 Jun 2008 11:06 am
Sly
NEVER, never trust a man.
07 Jun 2008 05:06 pm
Dihi
Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of military men who decide that they don’t want to be married anymore around the 25 year mark? Somehow it often coincides with retirement and the start of a new career. My husband retired in 2003 and we have been married 28 years. I went back to my hometown in October to help my father with my mother who is failing with vascular dementia and do some needed work on a rental property we owned there. When I got back the loving, supportive, best friend I had left behind had been replaced by a vacant eyed alien who wouldn’t let me sleep in my own bed. He didn’t welcome me home with open arms but the ” I love you but I am not in love with you” speech.
We limped along till March. He wouldn’t let our son come home for Christmas and he canceled a trip we had planned to attend his father’s 80th birthday because he had too much work to do. We attended some “mediation” sessions he set up because he didn’t like any of the counselors I had found in the past. It didn’t take me long to figure out she was a transition counselor there to help him exit the home.
He set me up masterfully. Making me think he was working on the relationship while seeing lawyers. Asking me on dates while arranging with his “friend” to move in with her when he made his escape. Telling me he would always take care of me when he could care less about my health.
Do they have some secret web site where they can go and get these lines to tell us? They all say exactly the same things. Maybe the military provides classes.
Like many of you I gave up my career to follow him around the world. We had 15 moves in 25 years. My son attended 8 different schools. We lived in 3 different countries and I had uncountable jobs and volunteers thousands of hours. I am used up and broken. I have a broken back, 2 bad knees, diabeties, and had to have a hysterectomy to repair a total prolapse from lifting heavy objects because of course he was never around when it was time to move. I gained a pound for every year we were married and never lost all my baby fat. I’m 55, too old to sing and dance any more and NOW he throws me away? When he pursued me unrelentingly and even demanded that I give up a baby to keep our family together when our son was small to facilitate his study during graduate school?
He’s a big shot pundit on TV now but he is just like every other unimaginative man when it comes to dumping his wife…”I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.”
11 Jun 2008 11:06 pm
Tiffany
My husband and i have been married for eight years. We have five beautiful daughters, and i love him with my whole heart. the past year has been terrible-just an emotional roller coaster for both of us. This week he said he feels nothing for me. He doesn’t care if i cry, an happy or sad. And he wants ME TO LEAVE MY KIDS!!!! He says I am crazy and if I really loved my girls I would know the best thing to do is leave them with him. I am not crazy-a little high strung, but not high maintainence, not demanding…just regular crap that comes along with five kids. He is a good Dad, but he says being with me makes him a worse person. He has said this before, and then we give it another go, but he says this time he means it. I just wanted to post a little something-becasue reading all of this made me feel so much better.
13 Jun 2008 09:06 pm
Kirsty
i have been married for 8 months, together 10 years. i’m english and moved to germany 6 years ago to be with him. he has always been reliable and i thought he was my soulmate. we got married in september 2007 and then 8 months down the line he said he doesn’t know what he feels for me…i was calm and tried to talk through it and eventually suggested a trial separation, he sort of agreed….more mis-communication (on his side) and 2 disappearences and a few weeks later on he has moved out and wants a divorce. he wanted to finish it but doesn’t want to hurt me. i found all this out from other people!! the only communication i have had from him is sms and email, he says there is no-one else but what can i believe? i don’t understand why he married me?? he knew who i was after 10 years. also i’m alone here and everything i gave up was for him. this isn’t just a break up for me but a whole life change – i don’t feel i can stay here without him. so do i wait to see if this is just a crisis or do i get the hell out of this country? i sometimes think what do i need to hear to tell me it’s over but usually couples have the possibility of a second chance if they realise they made a mistake, whereas i have to decide whether to just leave and that will be it. any advice?
16 Jun 2008 06:06 pm
Sandy
In April of 2005 I married the man I believed to be the “love of my life”, We first became involved in 1983 and had an amazing connection – even through other relationships – for two decades. We reunited and were engaged in 2002. We have a son together, 2 years old. He told me four days ago that he has fallen out of love with me…a repeat of somehting I suggested to him several nights prior because of our lack of a sex life. (We have always had a very strong physical relationship.) In this case, our problem is something far more cunning and destructive than another woman… He is an addict and I didn’t discover it until after we were married. My husband first admitted it to me last year in March. He spent a month in rehab and we were separated for 8 months, although staying in communication and having him stay at home on weekends or for other extended stays to give ourselves a chance to reconnect. (By the way, military wives….addiction and PTSD is a HUGE problem for your guys. Rehab was FULL of them!) After about 6 months of a refreshing re-establishment of home and family, I saw things begin to unravel again. Sure enough, fear and anxiety in my spirit signalled a return to my husband’s old ways – secrets, lies, missing money, pawned equipment and lots of denial of any wrongdoing. I’ve been through absolute hell for and with this man. Last year I felt totally committed to doing whatever it took to get us “back to normal”. This week I understand that “normal” with an addict is a nightmare for the rest of us. I believe I too was an addict before – addicted to something he gave me or to the fact that he needed me. Today, although I’ve shed massive tears again in this episode, I can finally take the steps necessary to end what has been a disrespectful, distrustful relationship that will only destroy me if I choose to remain. I feel guilty about divorce – don’t believe in it and don’t want it for my family. When I asked my husband for a drug test to settle this once and for all, his reply was that he would submit to testing for something he cared about – like a job or a court order to see his son – but he simply doesn’t care enough about me to submit to any testing for me. That was enough for me to wake up and say “You know what, Sandy?!? Love yourself and your baby enough to let this joker go!” God can and will deal with him much more effectively than I can! (I’ve tried – I know I have done everything I could possibly do for him.) Bottom line for me is recognizing the “thing” in me that has attracted me to men with addictions and to NEVER repeat this mistake again! I.E. I cannot change another person. I can only submit myself to God to change me and then pray for another.
16 Jun 2008 09:06 pm
Becky
Dihi…
I am going thru this right now… my husband of 21 years retired July 2007 after 23 years…
He has broken my heart… “I’ll always care about you and will always take care of you… I just don’t love you anymore.”
He also says he has to concentrate on his new career and doesn’t have time for this…
I am in the gloom and doom stage… I switch from being very sad to very angry.
This hurts pretty bad and I don’t know if he can “decide” if he wants to be with me.
Uhhhhggggggg… I just keep on crying because he broke my heart.
20 Jun 2008 02:06 pm
leya
my husband of 4 years basically said he should not have married me. Everything that I thought was true, I guess wasn’t. After 7 of being together he tells me that I have never known the true him. That he kept it a secret in hopes that I would change. Mind you this change was not something that would make a better person or a better mother, it would just make me stupid. He wants a wife that drinks and hang out all night with his friends Instead of me a person who wants the best for her family, who wants a stable environment for her family a mother who wants the best for her kids and herself. He’d rather go out with his so called friends and hang out and drink than be with me loving me and me loving him. We have a 4 year old and an 8 month old and I thank God for them. He actually said if it wasn’t for the kids he would want me out his life. That’s what he said. I haven’t done anything to him but love no matter what. But he actually made that statement.
24 Jun 2008 12:06 am
MJ
Wow, Didi I feel so much for you. I heard about how som spouses set this type of trap up and when they feel like it is time for them…they just up and leave. That is a lot of times to bemoving moving around within 25 yrs. Mlitary wives gve up so much..even themselves to be with their husband. I am not a military wife, more of a “brat” so I canfeel what you are saying. I’ve witnessed my mom going through somethng similar. Although my dad is retired, they are still together. I hope that regardless of what happens that you will press closer to God and pray for your husband. I am so tired of these spouses thinking they can use someone then throw them away when they want. But you better believe, you reap what you sow and karma will bite them in the butt. Whatever you do, YOU mke sure to do the right thing.
God Bless
24 Jun 2008 01:06 am
Tammy
ok..We are all on here writing about our situations, but no one is giving anyone any advise! Let’s help each other, by giving some advise…Let’s not cry over these men any longer! Us crying is exactly what they are wanting…Let’s hold our chins up and move forward! We are women and mothers…Let’s do what we know needs to be done!
27 Jun 2008 10:06 am
Nicole
My husband about 1 year ago told me that he didn’t love me anymore. Since then, he has been very somber. He doesn’t really talk to me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. I feel like he may be waiting for me to make the first move, but why should I? What should I do? We have a 2 year old and I love her very much…his slackness with her is very upsetting as well.
27 Jun 2008 04:06 pm
MJ
Someone posted here about something that works…actually several people have. Basically, don’t plead, beg, cry. Start working on yourself and improving yourself….find a hobby, go back to school, volunteer, work out, always look your best and even if you want to cry and die inside, do it when he is not around. Whenever you see him or talk to him, act happy.
Don’t talk to him about the marriage unless he brings it up.
27 Jun 2008 11:06 pm
Kara
It has been a year since my mother told me that my father said he didn’t love her any loger. And i am still bitter. I am bitter at the fact that my own mom told this information to me. She doesn’t know how badly that hurt me. And how angry it made me. There are periods where i seem to put everything in the back of my mind. But after a while the harsh memories of anger and sadness reappear. They are still together. They apparently were able to work things out. I feel that it is just so completely fake though. My mother has really become someone completely different. Putting my father before her and her children. I love my parents but i have so much pent up anger and hostility that i just don’t know what to do. My mom has no job (except some days she helps my dad at his work) and a lot of the day she sleeps and does nothing. My dad works and is a nice man but is so unreliable and does things on his own accord. I know that these issues are theirs but it drives me crazy.
03 Jul 2008 12:07 pm
willie
MJ, your story sounds a little familiar to mine, but not completely. I was married to a man that was soon to be a preacher – we had dated for 3 years before i got pregnant and then married, we were together for 12 years before i suspected him having an affair. He wanted out of the marriage, i gave it to him- right when i was about to move out he changed his mind. so we tried a little longer, then he wanted out again – this time i moved out ~ 3 months later he wanted to get back together, so me and my two children (now we had two) moved back with him. 4 months later he accused me of having an affair with 5 seperate men. (he was trying to make me look bad to take away from what he was doing ` mistake, because anyone that knew me, knew i was a great mother and wife and gave everything i had to that.) He told his family all of this and because they knew me they never believed him. i moved out and finally moved on with my life – my life has been wonderful ~ i now have 2 teenagers. he was not a part of their growing up much emotionally or financially. i have done it on my own. God has continued to bless us. His relationship with this women lasted almost 12 years oh did i mentions she was from the church we went to together as a family….lol, they ended up with a daughter. I never bad talked him i just moved on and it felt good, because he screwed himself. their relationship ended – he ended up having an affair on her – do you know she had enough nerve to call the lady a home recker…that cracks me up. anyway he has came around now and is finally having a good humble relationship with the kids. they know everything that had happened, they figured it out, without me having to talk bad about him. anyway life is good – all i can say is the lady did me the biggest favor ever, because as devistated as i was he was so wrong for me – i am such a better person with out him. i have had some boyfriends and have enjoyed myself…so MJ you keep your head up and know it gets better.
15 Jul 2008 10:07 am
willie
my experience with my husband wanting a divorce was so very long ago, i am so past that. But i have had some bad relationships and i hurt over one right now, even though we are not married. i have found that reading all of your stories have given me some strength. don’t get me wrong a long time ago my divorce absolutely killed me but i refuse to allow anyone to take my joy or happiness again including this relationship i am in right now……i will never give any man all of me – i am 44 years old and no one deserves the wonderful women that i am. so all of you wonderful mothers and wifes out there……you are amazing and don’t let anyone tell you different. you surround yourself with people that make you feel good. it is a process getting over someone and it takes a long time before you realize that maybe it all worked out in your favor and when the clouds clear this man may not have been all that great! so thank you to all of you for sharing your stories no matter how painful they have blessed me……..may God bless you all (and he will) just be patient..
15 Jul 2008 01:07 pm
MJ
Willie,
thanks for reading my story. Yeah, I know this will all work out for the good…I found out that he and the OW broke up…most likely has another OW. Still hasn’t refiled for a divorce and so far knows child support papers will be served to him soon. I have his new #, I don’t know if he remembers mine….well, he doesn’t seem to want to try and find us.
16 Jul 2008 06:07 pm
leya
MJ,
I understand what you said about don’t talk about the marriage unless he brings it up. But it is so hard and try to do that. I’m just going through so many emotions right now. I go from Calm and accepting, to sad, to angry. I just want answers. I don’t understand how we got here and why I am going through this. I loved him so much and never would have hurt him like this. But I am trying to do those things you stated in your post about not crying and not mentioning the marriage. I failing quite miserably though.
18 Jul 2008 10:07 am
MJ
Leya,
yes it’s hard…but that’s the best thing to do right now. The only person and emotions you have in control of is yourself. You can’t change him unless you change how you react. Change begins with yourself. Work to improve yourself..for you not him…so either way you will be ok. Don’t be so clingy, emotional and available all the time. Let him miss you. I wish you and everyone the best.
I sure wish one of the old posters, Bobbie, would post and give us an update!
20 Jul 2008 06:07 pm
Kim
I have thoroughly gotten lots of insight from reading your stories. Unlike many of you who are in marriages with these men, my circumstance is a bit different, with the same outcome no doubt. I have been friends with a man for 20 yrs. He is one of my best friends. We have been through so many things together as friends. In the 20 yrs that we have been friends he has wanted us to be more than friends but the timing was never right. Either he was in a relationship or I was. Finally a yr ago I told him I would give him a chance. ( I mean why not? Who begs for 20 yr unless they are serious) We have been dating since that time with a few bumps along the way but took our friendship to another level. I felt so good being in a relationship with someone I knew so well. He told me that the last time he felt this way about someone, he married them but everything changed once he got married. (he has been divorced about 6 yrs) Anyway, lately I have noticed him begin to withdraw. I kept asking him what was wrong and after much prodding he said sometimes he just is not sure he wants to be “tied down.” So after giving him space and sitting back and waiting for him to decide what he was going to do, I took control of things. I took him all of his things and told him not to contact me. For the most part I ignore his calls, text messages etc. I went back a few times to communicating with him and trying the nice woman thing. However, I found that only kept me hoping he had a change of heart and kept me from moving on. Last week I told him to stop sending me text message about I Love You. I said, I get it you love me but it is of no consequence. Ladies, we must stop sitting back allowing these men to dictate the course of our lives. I have 41, college educated, never married with no children. Yeah, I wish I were married with children but those are not the cards I have been dealt. I am lonely right now and sometimes panic at the thought that no only have I lost a relationship but a best friend. At least I took the chance. It just did not work. I am not saying I do not love him. What I am saying is that I love me more. I read the books: He’s Just Not That Into You and Why Men Date B _ _ _ __ _ _ and realized you do not have to be in a mans presence or calling him to remind him that you are a wonderful woman. He will figure that out when he has time to think about it. When man decides he wants to leave then come back then leave he is really just playing with your emotions. Whether he says it or not, at a certain point we have to look and what they are doing as opposed to what they are saying. Yeah, my guy said to me: I am not saying I do not want this relationship. However, he was not fighting to keep it either. Don’t get me wrong I am not strong about this most days and have to fight everyday not to call him but rest assure, each day gets easier and easier. I also read where men busy themselves after breakups so they do not have to deal with it. Women get busy talking things out with family and friends and getting it out. By the time the dust settles and we are coping that is when their little light comes on and they return only to disrupt your healing process. We must continue to not let them dictate to us the course our lives will take. We are better than that. We are awesome, loving, nurtures and deserve only the best life has to offer. If he wants to leave, let him. Bottom line is you cannot keep no man who doesn’t want to be kept. Look in the mirror everyday and encourage yourself, one day at a time. I am praying for each and everyone of you in your different situations and hope that you can gain some strength through reading the material contained on this site. Take care and be blessed!
22 Jul 2008 03:07 pm
Kim
Oh I forgot to add, he is continuing to contact me but I only want him around if he wants to be here full time. I am continuing to be my most loyal advocate. I left alot out about how he kept going back and forth with the conversations about I love her and want to be with her, I love her and don’t. He said the classic, I just want you to be happy. I told him a yr ago, you know what I have been through so do not even come my way if you are not serious. He was like, I have loved you for ever. Yeah right! Everyone says he is just scared but I cannot make excuses for him. His biggest fear should be losing me. I do not need a part time boyfriend. Either you realize I am great to have in your life or you don’t. I cannot talk anyone into loving me. Neither can you! Love ya!
22 Jul 2008 03:07 pm
Meg
First of all, I am glad to see that I am not alone in this. Although sad, its nice to know that there is a place for all of us to connect with our different experiences. I have been married to my husband for 5 years (with him for 8.5 years) and we have a beautiful 4 year old son. I have always felt that I married my soul mate. He over the years has become so much more to me and is who I feel to be the best friend I have ever had in my life. I thought we had a great life together until he left me in December for a woman he met at a bar. He slept with her one time and continued to talk to her until mid January. After a month of crying over him, I finally had gotten a back bone of my own and told him that if she is who he wanted, that I deserved better and was moving on. And dont you know, as soon as I did that..he came crying back pleading for me take him back. And so I did. We tried counseling (which he feels to be total nonsense) and really tried working on things. I, being a self admitted nagger of sorts) nagged him about this other woman (who I now realized I gave much more credit than what she actually deserved). So after a few months of him convincing me that everything he did was a mistake and that he loved me, he told me that he wanted to have another baby with me…that I was the person he wanted to grow a family with. So in May I decided that we had made a lot of progress and that we could try to get pregnant. Well, it happened the first week we tried. So here I am, pregnant, and he has now decided that he LOVES me but doesnt feel IT for me anymore, that there is something missing. What am I supposed to do now – I am now pregnant with a child I wanted…with a man who says he loves me but isnt in love with me. He doesnt want to move out of the house and says that he will just live out his life as a content person – but thats all he feels. At this point, I know that I have given 150% into this relationship for 8 years and just dont know if I can continue to give it my all for someone who isnt in love with me anymore. I want to be with him, but I dont want to compromise EVERYTHING I want in a relationship for someone who is just CONTENT with me…not happy, just content. I feel like we had gotten through the hardest thing a relationship can go thru…but now he doesnt know how he feels again. But he doesnt want to leave because he feels that he is obligated to help me through this pregnancy and would miss his son too much. I dont know if I can go through this by myself, but I am not a charity case…and I dont want to feel like someone’s obligation…I want to feel that I am LOVED the same way I LOVE…What am I supposed to do? I dont know if I should keep this baby and bring it into a relationship which is already broken and a situation which is less than ideal for a baby. I just dont know what to do. I love him, I want to be with him, but I just dont know what to do.
I know, we should be strong women, strong mothers…but at times like this (especially when my hormones are totally whacked out from being pregnant), I just dont know what to do. Someone please offer some advice!!!
22 Jul 2008 09:07 pm
Unimpressed…. (name edited by Rod)
My husband told me about 2 months ago that he was not in love with me anymore, i was shocked and didn’t see this coming at all. Well right now we’ve separated he is wiht his sister and so am I, we’ve never talked about divorce at all but he said we are done, he thinks the love for me will come back but probably in time, so now i don’t know what to do. We have a 3 year old and i can see she knows something is wrong cause we are not living together, i am so sad for my daughter that she has to go thru this. I love my husband and he says he still loves me tp……….will the separation bring us back together?
26 Aug 2008 01:08 pm
Nicky
Hi everyone, I know it sounds strange but reading some comments on here as given me some hope in a strange way. About 2 months ago my husband started acting very strange distant with me and would`nt say why, even on my son`s 14 birthday he was acting weird towards me and my son, but always nice and calm towards my daughter whom is 10, so i started asking him what was going on, eventually he said that he dosn`t love me anymore which tore me apart he just kept saying accept it it`s over etc etc, I couldn`t understand what i had done so wrong, I had always tried to do everything to make him happy,even put my career on hold until my daughter went to high school but allowed him to carry on with his, But the big problem is he is still here, So at the moment he`s living in the marital home, its been 8 weeks now and hes still here, my daughter is sleeping in my room and hes in my daughters room, he says he will go when my benefits are sorted but i get the feeling he still wants to stay here but not have a marital life. I tell him every few weeks has he got his house yet when are you going, maybe thats cruel but i cant start the healing process until he goes. I really dont know what to do. Do you think he still loves me? Do i decide to cut and run??? my head is knackered I want to know all the answers to my questions lol nowt much, he has got an habit of doing this kind of stuff mind games etc every 2-3 years, but all i want out of my life is to be content. PLEASE HELP BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES
29 Aug 2008 07:08 am
Expecting Twins
Ive been with my fiance for just a little over 2 years. We have always had a pretty rocky relationship but after our first huge fight at one year everything has gotten better, he proposed and we moved in together. We have been living together for about a year now. 6 months ago we found out we were expecting twin boys. Its very hard excepting and preparing for twins and started to strain our relationship. I was being accused of getting pregnant on purpose. Now 6 months pregnant, I have been on permanent bed rest for one month with a softened cervix and unable to have sex. He has threaten to cheat on me and or leave me if I don’t do anything to help him out sexually. Since Ive been put on bed rest the only time he talks to me is when he wants something. No more I love you’s and hes been missing out on Doctors appts. Im scared hes going to leave me and that he doesnt love me anymore. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I know what it is like having two homes and two sets of parents and I dont want that for my children. I want to have a family and be with the man that I love & that returns it. Any Suggestions before its too late????
03 Sep 2008 08:09 pm
Di
I posted my own story here several months ago and wanted to check back to see if people were still posting. Sadly there are still so many stories. I just wanted to tell all of the women who are going through difficult situations with their husbands – You will feel like your life is crashing down around you. You will feel helpless and completely out of control. But, you will be okay. It will be so hard at first and you will wonder if the pain will ever go away. I don’t know if it ever will, but it will get better. There will be less and less pain every day. I had hoped that my husband would come back to me if he saw that I was going on with my life, but he is not coming back. And now, I don’t really want him. If he cheated once, how do i know he wouldn’t do it again? I thought I would never get over what happened, but I am. I am moving on and I feel like there are so many possibilities for my baby and I. I look forward now instead of looking backwards into the past. You aren’t alone. So many of us (just read all of the posts above!) have gone through this and have made it through. Use whatever is happening to make you stronger as a person. Learn from it and move on. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are hurting now. God Bless.
03 Sep 2008 09:09 pm
Katie
I have been married for 3 years and with my husband for a total of 12. He comes from a divorced family where his father abandoned his mom, himself and his brother. He has NEVER dealt with it and I knew he would at some point in our marriage but not like this. About 3 weeks ago he told me that he loves me but is not in love with me which I have been in complete denial. It all started in June when he had a panic attack at work and started seeing a counselor. He is saying that he has come to the conclusion that he has always tried to be the “good son” and that he doesn’t trust any decisions that he made since he was 12 years old. We started dating when he was 17 and now he is 29. Basically that he was acting but didn’t know he was acting b/c I was the popular, attractive girl that everyone likes. How is this possible? I feel like I don’t even know him and he has been a complete liar and cheater. We went to marriage counseling last week for the first time and his opening statement was that he doesn’t love me anymore and he is not hopeful that it will get better. We are going again tomorrow but last night he screamed at me that it is over. I am so distraught and completely caught by suprise. I knew he had not been happy for a while but this? I feel that he is trying to recreate the situation that he grew up with. I am trying to be strong but I don’t even know how to act at home. I am in complete shock. How can the man you love and thought loved you most in the world do this and be so flippant and cold about it?
04 Sep 2008 06:09 pm
MJ
hey Katie,
don’t listen to what he says all the time, watch what he does. He’s acting cold b/c he’s selfish and he knows he’s not treating you right. Is he seeing someone?
Try not to worry too much about him. Work on yourself and do positive things that make you smile.
08 Sep 2008 01:09 am
Sue
I am brought to tears after reading most of the comments on here. I am not married but In a marraige like situation with my boyfriend. Who is the world to me. He basically flip flops his emotions for me. He is not unfaithful. He gets angry and my emtional self. He says that I am not in his plans. That he loves me but that I am not in his plans. I don’t understand it. He takes care of me, is sweet and loving. I love him so much and I don’t know what to do … I know he is the one. I don’t know what to do.
08 Sep 2008 01:09 pm
Katie
Thanks for your kind words MJ. He is not seeing someone physically, but I do think that he possibly has an online porn addiction as I have caught him several times in the past. He basically is saying that he has had an epiphany after 12 years of being together. How does someone wake up one day and say these things to the one person they are supposed to love, honor and cherish? And when he snaps out of it , I am going to remember every word and then where do we stand?
08 Sep 2008 03:09 pm
Sparky
I have sat for hours reading this. It is crazy how so many women (including myself) have had this happen to us. I am still with the hubby (12 years together + 3 kids) after he stated he didn’t love me a couple months ago now. How could this be when I have been the one to do so much over the years. I have loved him with all my heart and soul. I know I am doing things incorrectly – nagging – talking over and over again – hoping – when I should be working on myself. I have a great job and it is going horribly as I am spending hours a day thinking about our marriage. I have tried to be everything to him and really- I need to just stop. I need to heal myself and move on. He has. While divorce papers are not in the works (even though I have spoke with a lawyer), I don’t rule it out. I cry and get angry, but honestly, everday, I get better. I get stronger. I found this quote quite by chance today:
‘How empty of me to be so full of you” –Anonymous
How perfect is that. It is time to be full of me for a change. And while it hurts I am a good person and I deserve someone who loves me back.
10 Sep 2008 06:09 pm
Juanita
My Husband got back from Iraqon his 4th deployment 2nd to Iraq. This time he says he wants a divorce We have been together for 11 years… We haven’t cheated on each other ( That I know of he hasn’t but who knows when there deployed for 15-18 months at a time) He is already sloted to go to Afaganastine for another year In a year. But right now I am worried on Looseing My mariage. We have 2 kids and I have been an ” at home mom” for this whole time. I Never had a job. My kids are diabetic and ADHD and both are asthmatic.. I have Eplisy, migrains, acid reflux desies,depression,kidney stones,anamic,and now I am having anxety attacks. I know I need to go a head and leave him because he isn’t even staying home anymore with us. Yet I am holding out for him to get help with his PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Dissorder) he got from being deployed so many times. I know this is why and yet he dosn’t want to hear it. We have had marriage counceling and yet the councler sees what I see and he wont listen to him or take time to get better. He walked out of his apt for his PTSD evaluation because he refused to listen to the guy argeeing that he has issues. I want my Husband fixed before it is to late for us. I guess what I am asking for is Prayers… Please I truely belive if enough people pray It will help him.. Pray that He Opens his Heart and Mind up to Me and Dosen’t Leave or Divorce Me. Please can All who read this Pary For me / My family.
14 Sep 2008 07:09 pm
I need advice
we have been married for 20 years . I have been faithful wife, but he has not he try to go on net to seek a fling but came of it, then , he had emotion affair with some close to me, But had forgive him those things, He has threat to leave me several times , he said he want a divorce.but came of it , he say now he want our married to work , but has another problem he been drinking everyday for about month now, he says he going but he doesn’t. I am need some advice .
I don’t how much more I can take. and children also. one has left already . another is consider leaving because of this. I am trying to be good wife doing all the he ask but I feel not good enough. Now he says
he love me but not as much as used to , he love himself more than me. he also he can not forget the past. he says i am being good wife a man could ask for .
22 Sep 2008 01:09 pm
Dezmar Tyson
ALL YOU WOMEN MUST BE CRAZY!! i am going thru ruff times with my husband but before i let him destroy my self esteem or my love for myself, i will leave him. before him there were other men after him there will be more, maybe your husbands arent the right ones for you. im pregnant, i keep telling myself for our son i should try to work it out, i do but if my husband doesnt want to be with me its crazy to try to keep him around!!! i would be just making myself miserable. for all you women who are already sepereted, start DATING!!! get back out there and love life again!!! dont call him, HE SUCKS!!! we need to value ourselves more ladies. we dont NEED men, they NEED US!!!!.
10 Oct 2008 09:10 am
jamels
I am in the same situation right now. I am reading theses stories and realizing that I am not the only one out there. What bothers me i guess is I read some of them and say to myself “Oh my gosh why would you put yourself through all of that”, when in all actuality I am doing it to myself also. Here is my story. I met my husband when I had just turned 18 and still in high school. He is a year older than I am. We have been together for 11 years and just barely married for under a year now. My husband has been unfaithful to me 3 times as i know of cause that’s what he has confessed. One time I actually came home to a car in my driveway and tried to open the front door but it was locked. I peered through the door windows just to see him come out of OUR bedroom zipping up his pants and his face pure white. He unlocked the door and I rushed into our room only to find the girl pulling her pants up. Needless to say we were back together in 3 days. It seems like he has had an affair every 3 years or so since we have been together. And once again I just keep saying “Oh I love you and I don’t want to live without you”. Why? Can anyone answer me why I do this to myself. So the affairs have left no trust in the relationship. None! Not even a little. He did not understand this. We were married in Nov. of 07 and it was a courthouse wedding. Not the wedding I wanted but we agreed to just get married right now for insurance purposes and we would have the ceremony later. Well I planned my butt off for this ceremony. Sending invatations, buying all knick knacks,cake topper, wine glasses, everything you could think of. Guests had already started calling and making reservations to the hotel. And a week in a half before the wedding he comes home and says. I want a divorce. I don’t want to go through with the wedding all I would be doing is putting on a front that I love you in front of all your family and friends. And then he grabbed his clothes and left. I was absolutely devastated. Heart broken, lost, every emotion possible. I had left to go be with my family for a couple of days in my hometown and upon return he was home again. What did I do this time. “Oh honey I am so glad you are back I love you so much”. He said that I would have to do some changing or he would be gone again. He didn’t want me to be so controlling and he wanted to have some freedom back. Well guess what when you have already been unfaithful 3 or more times (for what I know) it is hard to not be controlling and wonder where he is or what he is doing at every little moment. So what did I do. I went to counseling to try to get over my controlling personality with him. I asked him to join me and he would say no. Yes I feel like I loosened up the reigns a little. Tried to let him make his own decisions. I am not his mother, I am his wife. This was three months ago when he left and then decided to come back and try again as long as I change. For the last month he has been so standoffish with me. We had only been intimate once in the last two months. He would come home for the last two weeks and try to be rude to me and ignore me. I had found a girls cell phone number in his phone listed under a guys name on Sunday and reading the text message that she had sent him at 1am on sun. said “Are you awake still I cannot sleep”. Magically all sent items were deleted. We got up on Sunday and everything seemed to be fine telling me that he loves me and talking about stuff we need to get done in the future. The very next day Monday he comes home stands in the kitchen and eats his dinner, goes into the bathroom , comes out and says we need to talk. He proceeds to tell me that He loves me but is not in love with me anymore. That he does not want to be with me, he is not physically attracted to me anymore. Also that he wants kids some day just not with me, “I do not see you being my childrens mother”. He also had mentioned that he does’nt know if he can be faithful to me. Then I had asked him about the girls phone number in his phone and he said “She is just a friend and that is all you need to know”. I am totally crushed right now. I am scared and feel lost without him in my life. Now does that sound crazy or what. Why would I put myself through this when I know how bad it is to be treated like that. Why because I love him. Or am I just to scared to get out there and do this on my own. I have a feeling that he left because of this other girl and wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Not because he doesn’t love me anymore. Am I in denial? I feel like I am going crazy! All I do is go to work and come home and obsess about him. And most the time I cry and say to myself “Please Come Back”. God please just let him come back. Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Some one please give me an answer? And if he does come back is it honestly ever going to change? What if he needs the counseling not me? I keep thinking that what if ends up with this other girl and treats her like a queen. Why would i have been the one he treated like crap. What is so wrong with me. I gave that man my life and always put me on the back burner. Why did he think things were so bad that he had to leave?
28 Oct 2008 07:10 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
I have read every word of your letter. If you’d like to talk, please email me privately and I will make time to talk with you.
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
I hope I hear from you.
Rod
28 Oct 2008 07:10 pm
CC
I come on this site so often to read these stories over and over again….I just need to remind myself that there are so many other women that are going through the same thing, and that I am not alone. I am going through the same thing, where my husband of five years(Been together for eight) has developed feelings for another women, and has told me that he no longer has LOVING feeling for me anymore. I was severely depressed for the past two years and neglected him and our now four year old son. I look back on our life together and wish ever so often that I could turn back time. Although I understand that his affair happened for a reason, I still can’t help but get angry in the fact that he had found someone else to fill his void while we are still married, that he couldn’t end our marriage before he find someone else, and that he refuse to give up his relationship with the other women. I don’t really know where our marriage is going, like everyone else here, he is just not IN LOVE with me anymore, but I am still in love with him. He has more feeling for the other women than he does for me…. I cry so much and feel so devastated with everything that is happening now. But with all that said, I do have some positive note on what has happened to me….I am so much more closer to my son now compare to the past two years, we are rebuilding our relationship again. And since all of this has happened(almost two month now), I am getting better(very, very slowly), I have not had a panic or anxiety attack for a month, although I still feel the anxiety from time to time, it no longer stays with me all day long and everyday! I do have good moments and good days now, compare to before where ever second of my life was being eaten away by an overwhelming feeling of pain, hurt, disbelief, and anger. With all that said, I am still waiting for my husband to make his decision on what he wants in life, weather he wants to be with me or not…….I don’t know if the anxiety and the panic will come back if he chose to stay separated or divorce me. But I do know one thing, as much as I want the pain and hurt to stop, I am glad in someway that I am feeling the pain and hurt, because I am still alive.
30 Oct 2008 06:10 pm
jamels
cc
I am so sorry for your hurt feelings. I know exactly where you are right now. Just read my story and you’ll see. I totally agree with you that he should have just walked out before ending up having an affair. My husband has been gone now for 10 days and my life feels like it’s going on everyeay but with nothing there but tears and fears. I will tell you what though I am getting a little upset with myself for even staying with him after the first affair. Why was there three that i knew about and I am still sitting here in my room wondering Why did he have to leave. What did I do that was so wrong. I can tell you that once they have the affair that this uncontrollable person inside you comes out and you want to control every little move they do. It’s like you are constantly wondering where they are at and who have they been talking to. You want to check their cell phone every time they leave it around and leave the room. Oh how I have been through this so much. You need to ask yourself right now if you could stay with him and just give all trust back to him in a heartbeat because otherwise it will eat you alive. Just like it has me. He’s gone and I still am thinking every minute what he is doing. Please ask yourself. Can you go through that everyday. They will always say that the affair was because of you and what you did but honestly if he really loves you he would have never strayed in the first place. I know that that is hard to hear but it is the truth. I wonder how long my husband has been honestly not in love with me and some days I wonder if he really ever was. I am here for you if you need to talk.
30 Oct 2008 08:10 pm
CC
Dear Jamels,
Thanks for your response, I know what you mean by obsessing on what he is doing every second of his life, I am going through that as we speak(I am trying really hard to stop myself, and try to understand that there is nothing that I could do to stop him from going to see her or talk to her) It’s funny you use the term”it will eat you alive” I would have never understood that term if I wasn’t going through this, but there no better word to describe how I feel from time to time than that exact phrase…… I can’t believe you had gone through this three times. Does each time get easier or harder? do you love him less as each time he cheats on you? My husband told me the same thing that he feel so TURNED OFF emotionally when I ask him where he has been(We don’t leave together any more), and that I keep track of our car mileage…… we still share the car from time to time. I don’t know how to get that trust back once you have broken them, everyone always say: Once a cheater, always a cheater! I think I can forgave him for what he did, but I know that I can never forget that he has broken the most sacred trust of a marriage.
30 Oct 2008 09:10 pm
CC
Jamels,
When I told my shrink that I was going to do everything I could to “WIN BACK” my husband, she told me that i was in denial, and what ever that is happening to him is not about me, and I know that is really hard to realize because we feel that we have given our husband eight years(me), and eleven years(you)of our life to them, and they just over look that and trash our feelings to the ground. But I do believe that no matter what we do, if the relationship is over, and that they no longer have that loving feelings towards us, then it is over…..there is nothing that we can do to make someone love us….It’s soooo sad but so true, I totally know where you are coming from by just wanting them to come back so badly, I feel that everyday of my life now, oh boy, I don’t know how am I ever going to get over him if and when he tells me that is over.