Comments on: It is hard to leave any marriage….. http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/ Difficult Relationships - honest answers to relationship dilemmas Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:30:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Name Geronimo http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-4806 Name Geronimo Sun, 23 Oct 2011 22:42:56 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-4806 I relate to what you are saying, and wanting to be by yourself to 'find yourself' seems to be a very healthy approach (much better than 'find another man) I am of a similar age and situation, and have attended 'couples' couseling in order to improve the marital situation, however hubby stopped going and I've continued to attend, and am finding a great deal of insight by 'Therapy' (Gestalt). You claim to feel selfish, I have learnt' that society put's an unreasonable expectation on us to be 'nice' and we find it hard to put ourselves first ....so therefore we come last, after the kids and hubby. To be healthy we need to prioritise ourselves and to become 'more selfish'. Have a look at posts relating to co-dependency, which often relates to addiction, but not in the sense of drink or drugs in my relationship, however the co-dependent label fits me perfectly, a pleaser, cook, cleaner, child minder, the 'compromiser'. You may find that you don't need to end your marriage, merely change yourself, and make him 'adapt'. Internet posts imply this possibility, although I have to admit I've made 'changes' but see no adaptation from hubby! I have say I'm enjoying understanding my own psychology, it helps to understand what your 'buttons' are , and how you react-with no benefit to yourself, so you can learn to react and achieve positive outcomes for yourself I relate to what you are saying, and wanting to be by yourself to ‘find yourself’ seems to be a very healthy approach (much better than ‘find another man)

I am of a similar age and situation, and have attended ‘couples’ couseling in order to improve the marital situation, however hubby stopped going and I’ve continued to attend, and am finding a great deal of insight by ‘Therapy’ (Gestalt).

You claim to feel selfish, I have learnt’ that society put’s an unreasonable expectation on us to be ‘nice’ and we find it hard to put ourselves first ….so therefore we come last, after the kids and hubby.

To be healthy we need to prioritise ourselves and to become ‘more selfish’. Have a look at posts relating to co-dependency, which often relates to addiction, but not in the sense of drink or drugs in my relationship, however the co-dependent label fits me perfectly, a pleaser, cook, cleaner, child minder, the ‘compromiser’.

You may find that you don’t need to end your marriage, merely change yourself, and make him ‘adapt’. Internet posts imply this possibility, although I have to admit I’ve made ‘changes’ but see no adaptation from hubby!

I have say I’m enjoying understanding my own psychology, it helps to understand what your ‘buttons’ are , and how you react-with no benefit to yourself, so you can learn to react and achieve positive outcomes for yourself

]]> By: Rod Smith http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1003 Rod Smith Fri, 22 Apr 2011 02:51:35 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1003 Kelly the change that is possible is your change. He is no longer a child. It's not whether he will change but if you will. Kelly the change that is possible is your change. He is no longer a child. It’s not whether he will change but if you will.

]]> By: Kelly http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1002 Kelly Fri, 22 Apr 2011 02:33:14 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1002 I have been married almost 11 years. We have 5 beautiful kids, 4 together and 1 beautiful step-son. My husband has been verbally abusive to me almost from the time we said "I do". He accusses me of cheating on him, checks my emails and phone records, makes me feel guilty for seeing friends or family, tells me i'm a terrible mother, tells me I'm selfish, calls me names like f'ing a$$hole, the "C" word, tells me I'm a F'ing moron (I work full time making a 6 figure salary and working on my Master's). After 7 very stressful and emotionally abusive years, I found myself in an affair with a cowoker. My husband found out and the verbal abuse escalated from occassional to daily abuse. I took it because if felt ashamed and guilty for what I had done. It had turned physical twice but he hasn't laid a hand on me for over a year. After 3 years of this emotional roller coaster, I filed for divorce in December 2010 but have 3 times been manipulated into coming back. Each time he was good for a week or two before the pressure would build and he would explode. Telling me that "I would have a revolving door of men who only would want to "F" me because no one would put up with my shit." That I was a f'ing irrational asshole and other endearing terms. I constantly defend myself with this man and have lost all respect for him. He becomes very aggitated when I don't give in to him sexually and then he follows up with comments like "I must be sleeping around again". I totally resented him when I filed back in December and now I just pity him. I asked him to rotate in and out the house (keeping the kids in the house and we would come and go weekly) giving me the space I need to gain some clarity in the relationship. He left for 3 hours and came back joking saying "Did you miss me?" He followed that up with sleeping in my bed that night (he moved out of the bedroom in November). He won't give me the room to breathe let alone make an intelligent, rational decision. He goes to my gym the same time I'm there, calls me 3 to 4 times a day while I'm working, hoovers over me when I'm on my computer.......Keeping the pressure on at all times for me to come back to him, mentally and sexually. We haven't made love since December and the thought of it gives me such anxiety. I know that he is unfortunately a victim of his childhood.......very abusive father to both he and his mother. When I feel like hating him, I think of that sweet innocent little boy who had no choice in the abusive upbringing. And even though that explains his behavior, it doesn't excuse it. Is there a chance he will ever change???? I have been married almost 11 years. We have 5 beautiful kids, 4 together and 1 beautiful step-son. My husband has been verbally abusive to me almost from the time we said “I do”. He accusses me of cheating on him, checks my emails and phone records, makes me feel guilty for seeing friends or family, tells me i’m a terrible mother, tells me I’m selfish, calls me names like f’ing a$$hole, the “C” word, tells me I’m a F’ing moron (I work full time making a 6 figure salary and working on my Master’s). After 7 very stressful and emotionally abusive years, I found myself in an affair with a cowoker. My husband found out and the verbal abuse escalated from occassional to daily abuse. I took it because if felt ashamed and guilty for what I had done. It had turned physical twice but he hasn’t laid a hand on me for over a year. After 3 years of this emotional roller coaster, I filed for divorce in December 2010 but have 3 times been manipulated into coming back. Each time he was good for a week or two before the pressure would build and he would explode. Telling me that “I would have a revolving door of men who only would want to “F” me because no one would put up with my shit.” That I was a f’ing irrational asshole and other endearing terms. I constantly defend myself with this man and have lost all respect for him. He becomes very aggitated when I don’t give in to him sexually and then he follows up with comments like “I must be sleeping around again”. I totally resented him when I filed back in December and now I just pity him. I asked him to rotate in and out the house (keeping the kids in the house and we would come and go weekly) giving me the space I need to gain some clarity in the relationship. He left for 3 hours and came back joking saying “Did you miss me?” He followed that up with sleeping in my bed that night (he moved out of the bedroom in November). He won’t give me the room to breathe let alone make an intelligent, rational decision. He goes to my gym the same time I’m there, calls me 3 to 4 times a day while I’m working, hoovers over me when I’m on my computer…….Keeping the pressure on at all times for me to come back to him, mentally and sexually. We haven’t made love since December and the thought of it gives me such anxiety. I know that he is unfortunately a victim of his childhood…….very abusive father to both he and his mother. When I feel like hating him, I think of that sweet innocent little boy who had no choice in the abusive upbringing. And even though that explains his behavior, it doesn’t excuse it. Is there a chance he will ever change????

]]> By: Cheryl http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1001 Cheryl Sun, 20 Mar 2011 11:49:43 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1001 How do I leave my non-intimate, non-trusting 35 year marriage? He must be waiting on me to leave. Well I'm ready. I know I deserve better. Thanks, Cheyl How do I leave my non-intimate, non-trusting 35 year marriage? He must be waiting on me to leave. Well I’m ready. I know I deserve better. Thanks, Cheyl

]]> By: Dana http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1000 Dana Tue, 06 Jul 2010 04:10:48 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-1000 Confused -- I, too, will be married coming up on 10 years, with my husband 12. I, too, feel that I love my husband (or at least care for him) but am not in love with him. Don't think I ever was. He is also very selfish, sometimes childish (has serious temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I think I married him because I was pregnant. Stayed in the marriage because I didn't know where to go or if I could make it alone. He does do some things for the kids an the house but when it comes to getting the kids ready to go somewhere he will go and wait outside in the car while I get them ready. He doesn't listen to me but denies this. I feel so lonely. I too feel angry, tired, resentful and just plain done. Until last summer I didn't know if I had any options. Then last summer was reconnected with an old high school flame. Old flame admitted he was deeply in love with me back in high school and has thought of me all these 25 years. He says he still loves me and wants us to be together. Like you, when I am with my old boyfriend I am happier than I have ever been. He treats me right. He listens to me. He is in tune with me, knowing when something is wrong and being there for me. Sometimes I hate my husband. He gets what he wants but when I want something usually he fights it or there is a reason I shouldn't have it. I know I want to leave -- even to be alone would be better than living like this. I'm scared of husband's reaction with his anger. I am not one to make waves. I know I have to, but am terrified. I am trying to find my backbone and just throw caution to the wind. I am thinking by the end of the summer, hopefully I'll make a move, yet I am terrified. Simply terrified. Confused — I, too, will be married coming up on 10 years, with my husband 12. I, too, feel that I love my husband (or at least care for him) but am not in love with him. Don’t think I ever was. He is also very selfish, sometimes childish (has serious temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. I think I married him because I was pregnant. Stayed in the marriage because I didn’t know where to go or if I could make it alone. He does do some things for the kids an the house but when it comes to getting the kids ready to go somewhere he will go and wait outside in the car while I get them ready. He doesn’t listen to me but denies this. I feel so lonely. I too feel angry, tired, resentful and just plain done. Until last summer I didn’t know if I had any options. Then last summer was reconnected with an old high school flame. Old flame admitted he was deeply in love with me back in high school and has thought of me all these 25 years. He says he still loves me and wants us to be together. Like you, when I am with my old boyfriend I am happier than I have ever been. He treats me right. He listens to me. He is in tune with me, knowing when something is wrong and being there for me. Sometimes I hate my husband. He gets what he wants but when I want something usually he fights it or there is a reason I shouldn’t have it. I know I want to leave — even to be alone would be better than living like this. I’m scared of husband’s reaction with his anger. I am not one to make waves. I know I have to, but am terrified. I am trying to find my backbone and just throw caution to the wind. I am thinking by the end of the summer, hopefully I’ll make a move, yet I am terrified. Simply terrified.

]]> By: Dana http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-999 Dana Tue, 06 Jul 2010 03:55:42 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-999 Kev, How did you finally leave your wife? My husband and I will be married 10 years soon -- looking back I feel it's been a marriage that should not have happened. I went into it because I became pregnant and felt it was the logical next step. Ignored the signs that it wasn't meant to be, but here we are. I have tried to be happy, and yes, we have had some good memories. But I have endured emotional abuse -- he talks down to me and when I call him on it he denies it -- he just doesn't see it. I don't love him anymore. At least I am not in love with him. I have been unhappy for quite a few years but never thought I'd be able to get out of this marriage because I had nowhere to go and didn't know how I would manage financially. Also felt it was better than being alone. Now I'm not so sure. Last year someone came into my life that has given me the courage to realize that life can be happy again. He makes me happy. Anyway, my husband has an anger issue and has already told me he will not divorce me. He did raise his hand to me one time, although he did not hit me. He kept me cornered and wouldn't let me get up. I am terrified of his reaction when I tell him I want him to move out. I just don't know how to take the next step. Kev,

How did you finally leave your wife? My husband and I will be married 10 years soon — looking back I feel it’s been a marriage that should not have happened. I went into it because I became pregnant and felt it was the logical next step. Ignored the signs that it wasn’t meant to be, but here we are. I have tried to be happy, and yes, we have had some good memories. But I have endured emotional abuse — he talks down to me and when I call him on it he denies it — he just doesn’t see it. I don’t love him anymore. At least I am not in love with him. I have been unhappy for quite a few years but never thought I’d be able to get out of this marriage because I had nowhere to go and didn’t know how I would manage financially. Also felt it was better than being alone. Now I’m not so sure. Last year someone came into my life that has given me the courage to realize that life can be happy again. He makes me happy. Anyway, my husband has an anger issue and has already told me he will not divorce me. He did raise his hand to me one time, although he did not hit me. He kept me cornered and wouldn’t let me get up. I am terrified of his reaction when I tell him I want him to move out. I just don’t know how to take the next step.

]]> By: elaine http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-998 elaine Sun, 04 Apr 2010 15:09:10 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-998 i feel the same way im 31 my husband is 69 and i have a daughter of 8 years . i have no family whatsoever and when my mum was dying my husband help me through a very dark time and it a state of confusin i ended up moving in and marring him although he is good to me and my daughter we have never ever had sex he dosent even try. we have so many different ideas in life and i just feel alone and empty . i started this affair with a wonderful man and can feel nmyself falling inlove with him when im with him he lights my whole life up the in the breif time im with with him and when i leave him i feel sad and torn and just have to be with him again i dont feel close to anyone and really want to leave i work but if i leave il be put in to an execetive house and probably have to find another job as much as i want to go i also dont want to hurt him but its killing me staying with him im so not happy and am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain any advice i feel the same way im 31 my husband is 69 and i have a daughter of 8 years . i have no family whatsoever and when my mum was dying my husband help me through a very dark time and it a state of confusin i ended up moving in and marring him although he is good to me and my daughter we have never ever had sex he dosent even try. we have so many different ideas in life and i just feel alone and empty . i started this affair with a wonderful man and can feel nmyself falling inlove with him when im with him he lights my whole life up the in the breif time im with with him and when i leave him i feel sad and torn and just have to be with him again i dont feel close to anyone and really want to leave i work but if i leave il be put in to an execetive house and probably have to find another job as much as i want to go i also dont want to hurt him but its killing me staying with him im so not happy and am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain any advice

]]> By: cynthia http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-997 cynthia Sun, 28 Feb 2010 00:50:02 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-997 i am in a 11year marriage we have a 8year old son who has autism and cannot speak . my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to me daily and at times physically abusive.i have decided to seperate but i am not sure i am making the right decision for my son. my husband wants to stay together how do i know i am making the right decision? i am in a 11year marriage we have a 8year old son who has autism and cannot speak . my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to me daily and at times physically abusive.i have decided to seperate but i am not sure i am making the right decision for my son. my husband wants to stay together how do i know i am making the right decision?

]]> By: Tee http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-996 Tee Sat, 19 Dec 2009 05:09:20 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-996 Lisa, Hello I'm sorry to hear this suicide is not the answer i know.I myself am going through a tough patch and my wife is leaving me she is my soul mate you see i was the abusive one both physical I was a prideful man and it cost me i was with my wife for 12 yrs .Those where the happiest days i have known but i thought she was cheating on me because i worked all the time. Now don't get me wrong i did a lot for our relationship but i was a man a real azz we can and often are especial to those we love. I am fighting for my marriage for i believe in the love bought before God and i have learned and will continue as time goes on to Never! Raise my hand or voice. Anyway i will post more on my situation for there is more i have 2 beautiful stepdaughters in my marriage but unfortunately my oldest hates me to the point of making false stories about me to here mom and the wedge is in place. Lisa,

Hello I’m sorry to hear this suicide is not the answer i know.I myself am going through a tough patch and my wife is leaving me she is my soul mate you see i was the abusive one both physical I was a prideful man and it cost me i was with my wife for 12 yrs .Those where the happiest days i have known but i thought she was cheating on me because i worked all the time. Now don’t get me wrong i did a lot for our relationship but i was a man a real azz we can and often are especial to those we love. I am fighting for my marriage for i believe in the love bought before God and i have learned and will continue as time goes on to Never! Raise my hand or voice. Anyway i will post more on my situation for there is more i have 2 beautiful stepdaughters in my marriage but unfortunately my oldest hates me to the point of making false stories about me to here mom and the wedge is in place.

]]> By: Lisa http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-995 Lisa Fri, 18 Dec 2009 00:33:30 +0000 http://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/10/13/it-is-hard-to-leave-any-marriage/#comment-995 I'm glad I found this site. I've been married to my husband for 8yrs, and we have been together for the past 20yrs. We have an 18yr old daughter. My husband had a bad childhood - drunk abusive father. I knew he had anger problems from the very start but always knew how to deal with them until one day he held me round the throat at the top of the stairs in our home telling me that I was nothing but a piece of ****. From that point I have never argued back cos I have been too scared of what could happen. When our daughter hit her teen years he started taking his temper out on her, thumping her in the stomach, hitting her head of a wall - at 17 she could take no more she left home, staying at various friends houses until she got her own place. All the time I was powerless to do anything. He paid for the household bills but I was always expected to pay for everything else and on a much lower salary I found myself constantly getting into debt. He found out and started telling me he could throw me out of the house etc. Sorry to be going on so much but I felt so alone with the abuse I have suffered for so long. Recently I have had four unsuccessful suicide attempts and as Christmas gets closer I am fighting the urge to try again. I have no where to go or money to go with and I know I really need to get away from him before it really is too late for me. I’m glad I found this site. I’ve been married to my husband for 8yrs, and we have been together for the past 20yrs. We have an 18yr old daughter. My husband had a bad childhood – drunk abusive father. I knew he had anger problems from the very start but always knew how to deal with them until one day he held me round the throat at the top of the stairs in our home telling me that I was nothing but a piece of ****. From that point I have never argued back cos I have been too scared of what could happen. When our daughter hit her teen years he started taking his temper out on her, thumping her in the stomach, hitting her head of a wall – at 17 she could take no more she left home, staying at various friends houses until she got her own place. All the time I was powerless to do anything. He paid for the household bills but I was always expected to pay for everything else and on a much lower salary I found myself constantly getting into debt. He found out and started telling me he could throw me out of the house etc. Sorry to be going on so much but I felt so alone with the abuse I have suffered for so long. Recently I have had four unsuccessful suicide attempts and as Christmas gets closer I am fighting the urge to try again. I have no where to go or money to go with and I know I really need to get away from him before it really is too late for me.

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