Comments on: He wants sex to see if we are “sexually compatible” before we can go on…

By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

Rod E. Smith, MSMFT — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 11:07:37 +0000

Thanks for your comment, Rhea. You are very insightful…. and I know from my own life that insight is often a two-edged sword.

Thanks for reading and responding.

Rod Smith

By: rhea

rhea — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:50:15 +0000

I disagree with Wordist. As a survivor of incest and a completely dysfunctional family, I wish I had worked through issues with my family (even if just on my own) before moving forward in my romantic life. I rushed headlong into a marriage with a man who treats me exactly like my family did (coincidence?), and six months into it, I’m being treated the same way I was as a kid. I’m also responding the same way I did as a kid…by rebelling, shutting down, numbing myself, picking fights, and tolerating abuse. While it’s not possible to get along in every family situation, you have to at least find peace with yourself and your upbringing before you can commit wholly to another person. People learn how to give and receive romantically from their family environment. If you can’t be respectful toward family members, or at least understand what is required to be responsible and respectful toward loved ones in a healthy way, it will always carry over into your romantic life.

By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

Rod E. Smith, MSMFT — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 01:00:49 +0000

Thanks, Wordist, for your comment and your insight.

One had better learn to deal with all manner of hurtful life circumstances and consequences, neglect and abuse, (and everything else life throws at some people) if one is to enter into healthy and life-long, committed relationships.

Believe me, I know what it is to be a victim, yet I now have a healthy respect (distance from, appropriate regard for) even for those who most hurt me (as a child). After many years, I have learned to live without much blame, and that has made a HUGE difference.

Even the most troubled parents can receive appropriate regard from a healthy son or daughter — and I am not talking about denying the past or brushing it off — there are shades in between.

Thanks for helping me think — when and if I modify my opinion on this matter I will readily correct the entry and apologize.

Rod Smith

By: Wordist

Wordist — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 23:28:26 +0000

Rod’s Answer: “…You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how they respect and appreciate their parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family,…”

This is SO WRONG, simplistic, and narrow-minded! Rod’s answer completely ignores the deep psychological issues of dysfunctional families. He apparently expects victims of spousal abuse, incest, and childhood neglect and abandonment to simply brush it off. Au contraire…, we live with the lifetime consequences.