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Partner abuse
18 May 2006 by Rod Smith in Anger, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sexual abuse, Space, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence / 18 Comments
(Published in THE MERCURY, 05/18/06)
Partner abuse is not restricted to physical abuse. This is misleading. Emotional and psychological abuse, while not requiring visits to the hospital, can be as equally devastating as domestic violence. It (emotional abuse) IS also Domestic Violence.
If your relationship drains your self-esteem, isolates you, feels more like a prison sentence than a loving relationship, it is likely you are in a controlling, abusive relationship.
If any one of the following is true I’d suggest you get immediate outside help:
1. When you talk about your feelings your partner railroads the discussion and gives you no time to think or express yourself.
2. You can’t discuss what is bothering you for fear of things getting out of hand.
3. Your partner criticizes, humiliates and undermines you.
4. He or she ridicules you when you express yourself and ridicules your family and friends.
5. He or she keeps you “in line” by withholding money, the car, the phone.
6. He or she has stolen from you and run up debts for you to handle.
7. He or she has thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you, opens and reads your mail, checks your phone bill and reads your emails.
8. You are often afraid of the person you are supposed to be closest to.
About the Author: Rod Smith
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
Idiots – always adults, children were surprisingly patient, – would make me repeat sentences as if a repeat performance of the humiliating uncoordinated gesticulations, my arms and legs flying in all directions, would make for an easier delivery the second time. That I’d just spent every ounce of energy trying to cough it up was lost on them. That I was already thoroughly humiliated was something to which they were blind.“Practice, practice,” they’d say as if stutterers simply didn’t speak enough. “Think before you speak. Now – try that again,” they would declare slowly and loudly as if I was stupid and deaf. These thoughtless people were ignorant of just how much stutterers do think. Too much – which is central to the issue!
If I’d known at twelve or thirteen that the day would come when I’d make a career of public speaking I might have strolled off a high-rise building.
Now it is quite easy to hide. I am very comfortable with crowds.
It’s asking driving directions or ordering food at a drive through where it gets tricky. Sitting in a cozy circle waiting for my turn to introduce myself sends my blood-pressure through the roof. The ticket attendant on the London underground can render me dumb after I’ve just spent days addressing a room full of graduate level adults about Family Systems Theory. I know. It sounds ridiculous.
I was almost immobilized the first time I saw Thulani put himself “on duty” in the event he needed to be my mouthpiece. He did it. No one asked him or appointed him. He just did it.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
Our house is the same, but instead of painting from end to end and back again, I am the guy constantly cleaning, – and, it’s hard to tell.
Where I cleaned and swept and dusted and vacuumed and sponged and sterilized yesterday there are scooters and bicycles (boys), mail in piles (me), books (boys and me), newspapers (me), magazines (me), and socks (boys and Max, the Chihuahua).
Turn my back and the boys and Max are at it again – enjoying life as boys (and a dog) while I find being a cleaning lady quite an exhausting challenge.
There is a point of no return, I’ve noticed, or at least a point of the chaos where I feel compelled to let it all go for a while and I throw up my hands and join in the fun of trashing the place.
But when I clean I like to think I’m just like the guy painting the Bridge, which I can only imagine must be a slow and methodical task.
I do it room by room, starting at one end, the front, in the event that I soon lose interest – then, at least, the front room is somewhat in order. I push it (trash, magazines, books, socks, clothes) all back from the living room, through the piano room, then into the TV room until everything lands up in the kitchen.
Once it hits the kitchen I separate out what’s Max’s – he’s has his own set of toys with which he ruins the house – what’s Nate’s, what’s Thulani’s, and what can be recycled, dumped, restacked on bookshelves, placed in drawers, hung on a hanger, or filed in the “important documents” file I keep losing.
We moved into “122” (creatively named for its street number and which has had very few updates since it was built in 1886) when Thulani was about two – and I have been getting it in order ever since. Nate joined us in 2002. Max, in 2009. The house- attachment, at least for the boys and Max, is strong. When I talk of selling Thulani reminds me that Rhino, the husky that was on the run for nine months and returned to die within a few weeks after we reconnected, is buried in an Air France first class cabin blanket just outside of the kitchen door. Nate reminds me of where the fat goldfish is buried and Thulani ends the litany with his inability to think of living in a house without the large tree in the front yard where he has his brother (and Max) have “peed like boys” (and a dog) for the past several years.
So. I’ll go on painting and, before you send me letters about giving the boys chores and responsibilities and assigning daily tasks and getting on top of it before it gets on top of me let me advise that you are barking up the wrong tree (sorry, Max for the dog metaphor) because we do have all that in place and it does work here and there and off and on.
I know, I know. Consistency is the name of the game for parenting and let me tell you, the ONLY thing that is consistent here is the need to keep going room by room with or without the boys (and Max) to get this little bridge painted one stretch at a time so the world can see just how organized and decent our lives are here at our beloved “122.”
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
I am regularly aware that:- I was discouraged from playing soccer in the “front” yard (in view of the neighbors) with the servant’s children. While this may seem insignificant in the light of other much more severe problems rising from racism, it was huge for me as a child on several fronts. I loved the children and I loved soccer even more. They were excellent soccer players.
- I did attend a segregated school as did almost all white South Africans while there did exist some church schools that were integrated even under Apartheid. I vividly recall my school principal scolding the entire student body (over a thousand white boys) because a domestic worker (a black adult man) was seen walking in the neighborhood wearing a school blazer.
- Although, by no means wealthy, I was waited on hand and foot by a full-time servant.
- In the late 80s I was warned not to pray publicly for Prisoner “Nelson” Mandela from my church pulpit.
- A member of my family did balk at my request that I bring black children to his home-swimming pool to swim.
- Even as late as 1987 I was embarrassed that a young black boy whom I’d “helped” in his squatter camp had shown up at my door unannounced. I recall wondering what the neighbors would think seeing a child arriving at the home for a social visit and not to work in the yard.While I am aware that these are piddly problems in the light of what millions faced under the Apartheid regime, I am also aware that these factors in my immediate environment “shaped” me into believing perverse things (like in my own superiority and in “their” inferiority) about persons of other race groups. More significantly, I am frequently reminded that my children and I could not have shared life as we now do if we were still living in the era of Apartheid.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
That’s the upside.
We are a 10-hour-drive to the nearest coast – and, most of the east coast beaches are not worth the drive. The west coast, which has many wonderful beaches comparable to where I was reared, takes three full days of driving to reach.
Being landlocked is one thing but another is the weather. Indiana weather is erratic, neurotic, and downright psychotic.
Days ago I could’ve (but I didn’t) ice-skated across the street. Now, as I write, there’s a small lake in the street next to the sidewalk from last night’s rain. The weather is so brutal and extreme (it is as hot as blazes in the summers) that when we do drive anywhere (there are no grocery stores in walking distance) the streets are often full of potholes making some of America’s finest suburban streets resemble stretches of road you’d find in a rural stretch of South Africa’s Wild Coast. So, I am exaggerating but really not too much. Washington Boulevard is a challenge to drive right now, you have got to dodge potholes and loose pavement or, unless you drive a tank, you stand to severely damage your suspension.
But I do love living here. My neighbors are some of my best friends. My children are free and safe in the neighborhood and everyone knows everyone’s children. Even as I write Joseph (born a week or so before Thulani) from down the street has wondered into the house and it is quite likely he will eat with us, stay the night, and then wander down back down the street to his home sometime in the morning. His mom and I will talk sometime between now and nightfall unless he of course chooses to wonder off home and be gone just as quickly as he showed up.
Potholes and crazy weather won’t send us running, although we will drive to church in the morning – even though it is really close. I’m not sure I want to brave the elements which could be a snow-storm, an ice storm, the threat of a tornado – or a little or a lot of each. What else could you expect during March in Indiana?
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper. Of course you can go baby-stuff-shopping, get a room painted, stencil yellow ducks on the wall – if you know long enough in advance your child is coming. But painting a bedroom with ducks and rainbows and a pot of gold, and getting a truck load of stuff from your local one-stop baby emporium will only fill your home with a lot of weird and wonderful, and mostly unnecessary, equipment.
Children interrupt everything. It is the child who is really ready to teach you, whether you are or not. Once he arrives he will become the hub of all your scheduling. You will be fine with this because the child is not an interruption to your life but rather, from this point on, central to it.
The baby will make you ready and you can’t really prepare for the baby until he is breathing in the crib right next to your bed.
Life inside the Smith household
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18 Comments
498A_Crusader
Just as there is Prevention of Domestic violence Act (for women)
one should be made for MEN as follows : Prevention of Domestic Violence (For MEN)
All wifes that satisfy the following criteria should be booked under the Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (For Men) and must be jailed for upto 2 year but not less than 6 months and fined.
1. If a man comes home fatigued from the dayâ`s work and wife does not offer a cup of tea (or what ever he wants) and mental support, it is cruelty (towards him)
2. If a man wants to retire from work and settle down peacefully , but is unable to do so, due to financial pressure of supporting wife and kids, it is cruelty towards the man.
3. If man wants sexual satisfaction and the wife does not offer for no legitimate reason, it is physical and mental cruelty.
4. If the wife has not revealed any hidden deceases she has before marriage,it is cruelty and breach of trust towards the husband
5. If after marriage wife claims to have married for the sake of her parents,it is mental abuse.
6. IF the husband want to rest after a long days work and wife forces him to go to some function/outing, it is physical and mental cruelty towards husband.
7. If wife does not provide husband with food he likes, it is mental and physical abuse.
8. If wife is given to pinching, piercing the husband over petty reasons, it is physical cruelty.
9. If wife flies into anger and threatens to do a 498A case on the husband : it is intimidation, and mental cruelty.
10. If wife calls her relatives frequently thereby not allowing the husband to rest in his own home it is mental torture and abuse.
11. If wife demands more than necessary (to run the house) money from husband, it is economic abuse of the husband
12. If wife nags him, or insults him or his parents, it is emotional abuse
13. If wife wants his parents to stay away and cannot serve them sincerely, it is emotional and mental abuse.
14. If wife does not satisfy his wishes meant for the welfare of the whole family, it is mental abuse
15. If wife aborts kids when husband wants them, it is emotional abuse
16. If husband does not want to buy articles of luxury and wife forces him to buy these (for status or whatever reasons) it is economic abuse
17. IF wife forces husband to pay for any medical or other expenses of her natal family member it is economic abuse.
18. If wife taunts him or discourages him or humiliates in private or public,it is verbal and emotional abuse
19. If wife uses bad words against him or his relatives it is verbal abuse
20. If wife suddenly departs to visit any function or goes to her natal home against husband`s wishes, it is emotional abuse.
21. If wife does not entertain his friends who come to meet them in good faith, it is cruelty towards husband
22. If husband loses his job or a very good opportunity due to constant nagging from wife, she is said to have done emotional , and verbal abuse to him
23. If wife hurts kids to satisfy her anger towards husband, it is emotional and mental cruelty to the husband.
24. If wife does not allow husband to meet kids, it is emotional abuse
25. If wife forces husband to pay for her personal expenses and does not account for them or prove that they are sensible and required for her well being, it is economic abuse.
26. If wife cannot provide comfort and relief to husband, it is emotional abuse of the husband
27. If wife forces her life style on the husband, against his wishes, it is emotional and mental torture to the husband.
28. Any wife who verbally, emotionally or otherwise abuses elder parents and all dependants of husband is said to have done emotional torture to the husband
29. Any wife who forces decisions on the husband which will cause him to stop supporting his elderly parents should be treated as abuse by the wife
30. If the wife refuses to cook food and feed husband and his family, it is mental and physical abuse to the husband and his family.
31. If wife is found to have any relations with other men, it is emotional abuse of the husband.
32. If parents of husband are suffering from some illness and wife does not serve and protect them, it is emotional torture of the husband and his parents.
33. If anyone o the family suffers any type of abuse due to wife, it is abuse towards husband.
34. IF the wife spends too much on entertainment, and luxury, it is economic abuse of the husband
35. If wife calls husbandâ`s loved ones or husband names and taunts him, it is mental cruelty. In all above cases, the husband must be granted immediate relief from the marriage and wife should be jailed and made to pay damages. Wife should be assumed to be guilty till proven innocent. This crime should be considered non-billable, cognizable and non-compoundable.
28 May 2006 01:05 am
Savshen
It is people like these that have hijacked marriage.
All that this person is expecting is what a servant does, not a wife.
A wife takes care of her household and her husband out of love. It is not her duty. She does it out of care. She is not obligated to do it.
A women also has feelings. Marriage requires effort and commitment from both sides.
If not getting a cup of coffee amounts to mental torture, this person has to be worshipped!!
07 May 2009 01:05 am
how do i get away from my father since he has abused me if i am minor? » nikki4242
[...] Partner abuse [...]
mothers grrrr! Looking for help can anyone think for me on this one???? » MissElizabeth23
[...] Partner abuse [...]
Bruce
Family violence is on the rise and something must be done about it. It starts with awareness of the scope and severity of the problem. Raising community awareness is crucial. As the inventor of blog ‘n’ roll, I feel that it is my responsibility to do my part in raising community awareness about spousal and partner abuse with this blog ‘n’ roll internet hit song of mine:
Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones
words and music by Dr. BLT (c)2006
http://www.drblt.com/music/MRSJones.
mp3
Bruce
aka
Dr. BLT
The Original Blog ‘n’ Roller
26 Jun 2006 06:06 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
…… this post gets an unbelievable amount of traffic —- it is a hurting world — I do not endorse some of the responses but leave them on the site for your information……. Rod Smith
11 Jul 2006 09:07 am
heco
…”if wife”…”if wife”……..So your supper wasn’t ready at 5:00 and that’s cruelty? So wife calls home and that’s cruelty? So wife doesn’t entertain YOUR friends and that’s cruelty? Look, you have a few good points, especially where equal access to children is concerned, but the rest simply makes you sound like a self-centred, self-committed, spoiled baby who irrational expectations that a one-sided relationship “should” work. What works one way, works both ways – for both wife & husband, buddy! Any relationship which lacks mutual respect, a committment to problem resolution and the understanding that people (and relationships) are not perfect is doomed. Any person who expect another person to “make” them happy needs a Copernicus revelation…..the world doesn’t resolve around your needs buddy. Take responsibilty for your part of the relationship, get out of victim mode, and move on!
-Heco
01 Aug 2006 06:08 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
You do realize, Heco, that the person responding to the post does not share the views of the writier of the original post. I left it on here to illustrate how dis-eased some thinking really is…… Rod Smith
04 Aug 2006 11:08 am
Ravenerie
Thanks for the post on Partner Abuse, Rod! I think that every work place, library, grocery store, etc. should have that posted.
Being ACOA as well as an adult survivor of sexual abuse I allowed myself to be subject to emotional and psychological abuse for years, knowing deep in my heart that something was wrong, but never having the acknowlegement. Finally,several years ago, at age 35 a female co-worker, who was also a survivor began to share her story with me. After several months of encouragement from her I finally sought help from a therapist. It’s a long journry!
30 Aug 2006 12:08 pm
betty
my name is bindiya.i hail from a traditional indian famaily.got married when i was 29 years old.he was a cardiac anethesiaist.before marriage they demanded a hefty sum of money becoz of which i refused to marry him.However my parents wnted that I get married to this guy.so the marriage was conducted .Then started his torture.It was mental and physical.My parents could not understand why he was acting in this manner.i knew but i had accepted everthing and started loving him.He started breaking my confidence to do any work.Then my ………Ego……………….My parents got me back home.now i am working hard to get back to my normal self.Should i go back to my husband or live a life alone………
18 Sep 2006 08:09 am
vani
I am married since 4 years. My husband is a neuoropsychologist working in the US. I’m in India. He has tested my patience enough by asking me to wait until he finished his Ph.D, then resume the relationship. 3 years gone by. Now,I waited for him being separate. Now he says he wants a divorce. I am just pissed off. He has made use of my love and affection towards him. How can I teach him a lesson. can I get back to him? kindly reply
19 Sep 2006 08:09 pm
Zoya
Dear Mr. Smith,
Please make a correction in your post. Emotional and phsychological abuse is not AS equally devastating as a domestic violence, it IS domestic violence. I work for social services; and it is very important that people understand and don’t underestimate this concept.
thank you,
Zoya.
25 Sep 2006 06:09 pm
Zoya
correction, “psychological”, please excuse the typo.
Zoya.
25 Sep 2006 06:09 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
… I shall do it right away, Zoya, and thanks for your help……. Rod
26 Sep 2006 09:09 am
Suzanne
I would like to share my poem because at 37 I can relate to many of these opinions..I am a statistic in so many ways..sexually abused as a child, physically and financially abused by my husband…I see that I have been co-dependant and what I feel is a real loss…I dont believe in any higher power which always seems to be the answer to everything..I did write this about 8 months ago and I still cant do it….But it helps and I hope it will help someone else…
Look at My Past, See It All the Way Through,
That “Nice Guys Finish Last”, I’m Proof That it’s True,
“Do Onto Others as You Would Have Them Do Onto You”
This Was My Motto, My Outlook, My Constant Point of View.
Being So Generous, Listen, It Doesn’t Pay,
‘Cause When it is your Turn, Believe Me, They’ll Be Looking Away
I am Not Saying to be Evil, or Unkind,
But Try to Protect Yourself, Just Keep It in Mind.
Don’t Be Selfish, But Don’t Be a Fool,
Write Down Your Guidelines, Your Limits, to Use as a Tool,
You Don’t Need to Anaylse…Or Understand,
Just When You’re Screwed Over, Draw a Line in the Sand.
Forgiveness is one Thing, Something We Should Do,
Forgiving and Forgetting, Is Healthier For You,
But Don’t let Things Slide, Because It’s So Easy,
Not Confronting the Person Who Acted So Sleazy.
This Can Create, A Bad Situation,
Setting a Presidence, Giving a Quick Education,
You Teach People, How To Treat You,
What You’ll Put Up With, What You Will Do.
Give Yourself Pride and More Respect,
‘Cause I Guarantee You, You’ve Seen Nothing Yet,
You Don’t Know What They are Capable of Doing,
But Know This, My Dear, You’ll Be the One Hurting.
Anyone Who Does Something, You Wouldn’t Do,
To Them or To Others, Is Not For You,
Don’t Give Them…..The Benefit of the Doubt,
Just End the Relationship….And Get Yourself Out!!
I have written many poems trying to make sense of life and to bring myself some calmness. I read this quote today and I think we would all be better to remember it,
“Love Is The Selfless Promotion of the Growth of the Other”
Milton Mayeroff
07 Jan 2007 02:01 pm
um
wow that poems brings it home – its perfect and your words are inspiring – god bless you youre not just a stat your more than that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
20 Jun 2008 10:06 pm
um
im 23, have put up with him for 9 months, its difficult to get out and as you will understand; its sure an experience, one we dont deserve but one to make us stronger…
ive found his character to be interesting, although detrimental – in turn, ive read books and spoken to people in order to gain a better understanding but the courage is within oneself – if Gods bought you to it, He can surely bring you through it and i suppose another proverb wouldnt go amiss i.e. burning flame
20 Jun 2008 10:06 pm
um
“To keep the fire burning brightly, there’s one easy rule: keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart — about a finger’s breadth — for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.”
20 Jun 2008 10:06 pm
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