Comments on: Differentiation of Self http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/ Difficult Relationships - honest answers to relationship dilemmas Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:30:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Barbara http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-426 Barbara Sun, 12 Jun 2011 18:01:06 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-426 Thank you for the information. I first heard the term self-differentiation this week and I am 60 years old. As the adult child of alcoholics, I find that I am at a crossroads in my life - retired and looking for a new direction for my ministry. I mostly desire to be emotionally healthy. I have a way to go. BRM Thank you for the information. I first heard the term self-differentiation this week and I am 60 years old. As the adult child of alcoholics, I find that I am at a crossroads in my life – retired and looking for a new direction for my ministry. I mostly desire to be emotionally healthy. I have a way to go. BRM

]]> By: LS http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-425 LS Fri, 03 Jun 2011 01:29:03 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-425 Rod, So I did misunderstand what you meant by clarifications...you didn't say specifically that you modified that item. I understand better now. Thank you for that. I want to be sure I understand. Cutoff is a tool I use too often because it is the only thing I know how to do when things get to uncomfortable. Bowen theory has been very helpful in showing me that there are different and better ways to handle those situations. Your points above really help to make those theories applicable. LS Rod,

So I did misunderstand what you meant by clarifications…you didn’t say specifically that you modified that item. I understand better now. Thank you for that. I want to be sure I understand. Cutoff is a tool I use too often because it is the only thing I know how to do when things get to uncomfortable. Bowen theory has been very helpful in showing me that there are different and better ways to handle those situations. Your points above really help to make those theories applicable.

LS

]]> By: Rod Smith http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-424 Rod Smith Thu, 02 Jun 2011 21:39:43 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-424 Dear LS: Please go back and see I have modified #5 since your initial comment. Thus my expression of gratitude. It is not I who is being brusque and if it appears as such I apologize. I trust you will get any help you desire on your journey toward greater differentiation. It is a great journey and I again thank you for helping me make point 5 a little clearer. Rod Smith Dear LS: Please go back and see I have modified #5 since your initial comment. Thus my expression of gratitude. It is not I who is being brusque and if it appears as such I apologize. I trust you will get any help you desire on your journey toward greater differentiation. It is a great journey and I again thank you for helping me make point 5 a little clearer. Rod Smith

]]> By: LS http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-423 LS Thu, 02 Jun 2011 20:52:52 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-423 Rod, If you mean by clarifications, the 18 points you have listed above, well yes I have., otherwise I would not have posted my question. Perhaps I am mistaken about what you mean by clarificiations. Also I am not sure what you mean by thank you for my help. I have to confess your answer feels brusque. I am disappointed because I feel you have some valuable insights on here and I was looking for some help on fleshing out Item No 6. I will seek the answer elsewhere. LS Rod,

If you mean by clarifications, the 18 points you have listed above, well yes I have., otherwise I would not have posted my question. Perhaps I am mistaken about what you mean by clarificiations. Also I am not sure what you mean by thank you for my help.

I have to confess your answer feels brusque. I am disappointed because I feel you have some valuable insights on here and I was looking for some help on fleshing out Item No 6. I will seek the answer elsewhere.

LS

]]> By: Rod Smith http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-422 Rod Smith Thu, 02 Jun 2011 20:38:49 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-422 LS: I trust you have seen my clarifications. Thanks for your response and for your help. Rod Smith LS: I trust you have seen my clarifications. Thanks for your response and for your help. Rod Smith

]]> By: LS http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-421 LS Thu, 02 Jun 2011 16:57:37 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-421 Rod, I really love your points on Self Differentiation.I have to confess I really struggle with and I am not sure I agree with item number 6. I see the wisdom in it most of the time but don't you believe that there are some situations where cutoff might be warranted? I have a situation where a female friend of my husbands was very resentful of our marriage. They were friends from college and while he viewed it as a friendship I see signs where she would have liked for it to be more. Being married herself that would not have been appropriate, so she found ways to insert herself into my husbands life as possible to vicariously be involved with him without having to actually be seen as being inappropriate. When I came along there were troubles of course and this friend of his is the tyoe of person who will never admit they are in the wrong about anything. She kept trying to insert herself into our lives again in inappropriate ways. We finally saw no other alternative but to cut her off, she was causing so many problems between us. So that is one example. Other examples I wonder about are people who have serious substance abuse problems who won't address them and end up encroaching on your life. Or people who are so controlling or malicious that they can't be reasoned with. I think you get the idea...am I obligated to try to keep a relationship going with them.? Sometimes I think cutoff is warranted and probably a healthier way to go. I could be wrong though. I am interested in anyones thoughts on the topic. Perhaps I am not applying enough Bowen theory here LOL. LS Rod,

I really love your points on Self Differentiation.I have to confess I really struggle with and I am not sure I agree with item number 6. I see the wisdom in it most of the time but don’t you believe that there are some situations where cutoff might be warranted?

I have a situation where a female friend of my husbands was very resentful of our marriage. They were friends from college and while he viewed it as a friendship I see signs where she would have liked for it to be more. Being married herself that would not have been appropriate, so she found ways to insert herself into my husbands life as possible to vicariously be involved with him without having to actually be seen as being inappropriate.

When I came along there were troubles of course and this friend of his is the tyoe of person who will never admit they are in the wrong about anything. She kept trying to insert herself into our lives again in inappropriate ways. We finally saw no other alternative but to cut her off, she was causing so many problems between us.

So that is one example. Other examples I wonder about are people who have serious substance abuse problems who won’t address them and end up encroaching on your life. Or people who are so controlling or malicious that they can’t be reasoned with. I think you get the idea…am I obligated to try to keep a relationship going with them.? Sometimes I think cutoff is warranted and probably a healthier way to go. I could be wrong though. I am interested in anyones thoughts on the topic.
Perhaps I am not applying enough Bowen theory here LOL.

LS

]]> By: meghan http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-420 meghan Fri, 15 Apr 2011 05:21:33 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-420 Hi Rod, My therapist suggested I research differentiation today and I found your list. Thank-you so much for this. It gives me specific things to look at and work on. I have come to the realization that at 26 years old, I have never differentiated from my mother. She was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards me growing up (still is in some ways), and I am only now seeing that her words and actions were unacceptable. I have two children and I don't want to hurt them the way she hurt me. I don't have many of the skills on your list, but now I have something to look at, point to, and say, "that's how it should be." Thank-you from the bottom of my heart. Hi Rod,
My therapist suggested I research differentiation today and I found your list. Thank-you so much for this. It gives me specific things to look at and work on. I have come to the realization that at 26 years old, I have never differentiated from my mother. She was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards me growing up (still is in some ways), and I am only now seeing that her words and actions were unacceptable. I have two children and I don’t want to hurt them the way she hurt me. I don’t have many of the skills on your list, but now I have something to look at, point to, and say, “that’s how it should be.” Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.

]]> By: Heather http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-419 Heather Fri, 08 Apr 2011 05:03:46 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-419 Thank you for posting. I think this is one of the best pages on differentiation I have read alongside the work in Passionate Marriage. I will print and share. Thank you for posting. I think this is one of the best pages on differentiation I have read alongside the work in Passionate Marriage.
I will print and share.

]]> By: Joe http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-418 Joe Wed, 02 Mar 2011 01:33:52 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-418 Thank you for posting this. I know I will find it helpful in my life and the relationships around me. Joe Thank you for posting this. I know I will find it helpful in my life and the relationships around me.

Joe

]]> By: JNM http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-417 JNM Tue, 01 Mar 2011 19:35:07 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-417 Rod, my friend just hooked me up with your site and it looks amazing. Do you have any suggestions for... My husband and I have been in counseling for 6 years after we realized his inability to be emotionally intimate. He is working tremendously hard and committed to his ADHD/BPD support group, his psychiatrist, his dialectical behavior therapy, his sobriety. One hurdle that he can't seem to make, is when the moment arises for him to express his vulnerable needs to me, he cannot walk through that door. Anxiety and dissociated behaviors ensue...after 6 years I am feeling so discouraged. Any readings or suggestions you have? Rod, my friend just hooked me up with your site and it looks amazing. Do you have any suggestions for…
My husband and I have been in counseling for 6 years after we realized his inability to be emotionally intimate. He is working tremendously hard and committed to his ADHD/BPD support group, his psychiatrist, his dialectical behavior therapy, his sobriety. One hurdle that he can’t seem to make, is when the moment arises for him to express his vulnerable needs to me, he cannot walk through that door. Anxiety and dissociated behaviors ensue…after 6 years I am feeling so discouraged. Any readings or suggestions you have?

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