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Differentiation of Self
25 Mar 2006 by Rod Smith in Differentiation, Trust / 59 Comments
Self-Differentiation (a term coined by family therapy pioneer, Murray Bowen) is a progressive, internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward developing and known goals.
Please print this out and spread it around...
Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.
To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self.
Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.
Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.
16. Paying the price for building, and living within community. I am not suggesting some form of communal or shared living. I am suggesting the differentiated person finds a place with others while also being separate from others.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).(Please PRINT this page and STUDY it. Spread it around your office and among your friends. Read more writers about this concept. The ONLY thing I ask in return is that you let me know you printed it – by leaving a comment – and you SPREAD the word to others.)
About the Author: Rod Smith
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
Idiots – always adults, children were surprisingly patient, – would make me repeat sentences as if a repeat performance of the humiliating uncoordinated gesticulations, my arms and legs flying in all directions, would make for an easier delivery the second time. That I’d just spent every ounce of energy trying to cough it up was lost on them. That I was already thoroughly humiliated was something to which they were blind.“Practice, practice,” they’d say as if stutterers simply didn’t speak enough. “Think before you speak. Now – try that again,” they would declare slowly and loudly as if I was stupid and deaf. These thoughtless people were ignorant of just how much stutterers do think. Too much – which is central to the issue!
If I’d known at twelve or thirteen that the day would come when I’d make a career of public speaking I might have strolled off a high-rise building.
Now it is quite easy to hide. I am very comfortable with crowds.
It’s asking driving directions or ordering food at a drive through where it gets tricky. Sitting in a cozy circle waiting for my turn to introduce myself sends my blood-pressure through the roof. The ticket attendant on the London underground can render me dumb after I’ve just spent days addressing a room full of graduate level adults about Family Systems Theory. I know. It sounds ridiculous.
I was almost immobilized the first time I saw Thulani put himself “on duty” in the event he needed to be my mouthpiece. He did it. No one asked him or appointed him. He just did it.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
Our house is the same, but instead of painting from end to end and back again, I am the guy constantly cleaning, – and, it’s hard to tell.
Where I cleaned and swept and dusted and vacuumed and sponged and sterilized yesterday there are scooters and bicycles (boys), mail in piles (me), books (boys and me), newspapers (me), magazines (me), and socks (boys and Max, the Chihuahua).
Turn my back and the boys and Max are at it again – enjoying life as boys (and a dog) while I find being a cleaning lady quite an exhausting challenge.
There is a point of no return, I’ve noticed, or at least a point of the chaos where I feel compelled to let it all go for a while and I throw up my hands and join in the fun of trashing the place.
But when I clean I like to think I’m just like the guy painting the Bridge, which I can only imagine must be a slow and methodical task.
I do it room by room, starting at one end, the front, in the event that I soon lose interest – then, at least, the front room is somewhat in order. I push it (trash, magazines, books, socks, clothes) all back from the living room, through the piano room, then into the TV room until everything lands up in the kitchen.
Once it hits the kitchen I separate out what’s Max’s – he’s has his own set of toys with which he ruins the house – what’s Nate’s, what’s Thulani’s, and what can be recycled, dumped, restacked on bookshelves, placed in drawers, hung on a hanger, or filed in the “important documents” file I keep losing.
We moved into “122” (creatively named for its street number and which has had very few updates since it was built in 1886) when Thulani was about two – and I have been getting it in order ever since. Nate joined us in 2002. Max, in 2009. The house- attachment, at least for the boys and Max, is strong. When I talk of selling Thulani reminds me that Rhino, the husky that was on the run for nine months and returned to die within a few weeks after we reconnected, is buried in an Air France first class cabin blanket just outside of the kitchen door. Nate reminds me of where the fat goldfish is buried and Thulani ends the litany with his inability to think of living in a house without the large tree in the front yard where he has his brother (and Max) have “peed like boys” (and a dog) for the past several years.
So. I’ll go on painting and, before you send me letters about giving the boys chores and responsibilities and assigning daily tasks and getting on top of it before it gets on top of me let me advise that you are barking up the wrong tree (sorry, Max for the dog metaphor) because we do have all that in place and it does work here and there and off and on.
I know, I know. Consistency is the name of the game for parenting and let me tell you, the ONLY thing that is consistent here is the need to keep going room by room with or without the boys (and Max) to get this little bridge painted one stretch at a time so the world can see just how organized and decent our lives are here at our beloved “122.”
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
I am regularly aware that:- I was discouraged from playing soccer in the “front” yard (in view of the neighbors) with the servant’s children. While this may seem insignificant in the light of other much more severe problems rising from racism, it was huge for me as a child on several fronts. I loved the children and I loved soccer even more. They were excellent soccer players.
- I did attend a segregated school as did almost all white South Africans while there did exist some church schools that were integrated even under Apartheid. I vividly recall my school principal scolding the entire student body (over a thousand white boys) because a domestic worker (a black adult man) was seen walking in the neighborhood wearing a school blazer.
- Although, by no means wealthy, I was waited on hand and foot by a full-time servant.
- In the late 80s I was warned not to pray publicly for Prisoner “Nelson” Mandela from my church pulpit.
- A member of my family did balk at my request that I bring black children to his home-swimming pool to swim.
- Even as late as 1987 I was embarrassed that a young black boy whom I’d “helped” in his squatter camp had shown up at my door unannounced. I recall wondering what the neighbors would think seeing a child arriving at the home for a social visit and not to work in the yard.While I am aware that these are piddly problems in the light of what millions faced under the Apartheid regime, I am also aware that these factors in my immediate environment “shaped” me into believing perverse things (like in my own superiority and in “their” inferiority) about persons of other race groups. More significantly, I am frequently reminded that my children and I could not have shared life as we now do if we were still living in the era of Apartheid.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
That’s the upside.
We are a 10-hour-drive to the nearest coast – and, most of the east coast beaches are not worth the drive. The west coast, which has many wonderful beaches comparable to where I was reared, takes three full days of driving to reach.
Being landlocked is one thing but another is the weather. Indiana weather is erratic, neurotic, and downright psychotic.
Days ago I could’ve (but I didn’t) ice-skated across the street. Now, as I write, there’s a small lake in the street next to the sidewalk from last night’s rain. The weather is so brutal and extreme (it is as hot as blazes in the summers) that when we do drive anywhere (there are no grocery stores in walking distance) the streets are often full of potholes making some of America’s finest suburban streets resemble stretches of road you’d find in a rural stretch of South Africa’s Wild Coast. So, I am exaggerating but really not too much. Washington Boulevard is a challenge to drive right now, you have got to dodge potholes and loose pavement or, unless you drive a tank, you stand to severely damage your suspension.
But I do love living here. My neighbors are some of my best friends. My children are free and safe in the neighborhood and everyone knows everyone’s children. Even as I write Joseph (born a week or so before Thulani) from down the street has wondered into the house and it is quite likely he will eat with us, stay the night, and then wander down back down the street to his home sometime in the morning. His mom and I will talk sometime between now and nightfall unless he of course chooses to wonder off home and be gone just as quickly as he showed up.
Potholes and crazy weather won’t send us running, although we will drive to church in the morning – even though it is really close. I’m not sure I want to brave the elements which could be a snow-storm, an ice storm, the threat of a tornado – or a little or a lot of each. What else could you expect during March in Indiana?
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper. Of course you can go baby-stuff-shopping, get a room painted, stencil yellow ducks on the wall – if you know long enough in advance your child is coming. But painting a bedroom with ducks and rainbows and a pot of gold, and getting a truck load of stuff from your local one-stop baby emporium will only fill your home with a lot of weird and wonderful, and mostly unnecessary, equipment.
Children interrupt everything. It is the child who is really ready to teach you, whether you are or not. Once he arrives he will become the hub of all your scheduling. You will be fine with this because the child is not an interruption to your life but rather, from this point on, central to it.
The baby will make you ready and you can’t really prepare for the baby until he is breathing in the crib right next to your bed.
Life inside the Smith household
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59 Comments
bronwynkate
I find 5, 12 and 14 really difficult.
Especially the “taking no heroes” part. I have no religious upbringing so my difficulty with 14 (a) is hard. My heroes are not knights in shining armour so that helps.
And 3 must be hard for everybody, not just me, and so is 16. What do you think the price is of living in community and building it? This must contribute to some of my difficulties with 5.
31 Mar 2006 04:03 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Dear Browynkate -=- to Differentiate is the hardest task we all face — thanks for reading and posting. Rod
01 Apr 2006 02:04 am
Dave
Read Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert. Based on “Bowen Theory.” Murray Bowen’s Theory
05 Apr 2006 02:04 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
… Thanks Dave, I am very familiar with that excellent book — Rod
06 Apr 2006 08:04 am
sillylauralonglegs
I am struggling with #5 right now. For me, expressed anger always meant it was time to run away again. I don’t want that to be the case anymore. I want to be able to disagree or argue, discuss it, and then move on with the relationship. I’m praying I can break this cycle now.
06 Apr 2006 07:04 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
….. Laura – let’s talk about how to break the cycle – I will write some ideas in a day or two — and you send me your ideas…….. Rod
06 Apr 2006 09:04 pm
Michelle Sigg
I look forward to our discussion on Thursday about this topic.
Going over recognizing and setting boundaries would be helpful for me, too.
28 Nov 2006 05:11 pm
Wannabe-the-relationship-type!
Rod, whoever you are, I stumbled upon this site by way of google. I am a former foster child of about 8 years. I was adopted at 17 by a family whom I had not even lived five years with. I am having a struggle with my relationships with them. In the past, I could not form relationships very well, and due to an average move of once every 9 months, I never had a consistant history with most people. So, I fear that I cannot uphold a relationship with someone that I do not live with, even a phone call takes a mental debate of “what will they think?” I usually give up and the turmoil happens. I hurt people, I feel hurt. Really, I feel silly that I struggle with relationships when I am an adult who is happily married but I can’t call my mom and dad or siblings.
There family dynamics were interupted my me and often times, that makes not talking easier but not helpful in the long run. I literally can not consistantly communicate and upkeep a meaningful relationship with anyone except my husband.
Do you have any suggestions, I am in school and cannot pay for (indiv.)family therapy, are there books that discuss even simple “relationship skills?”
05 Dec 2006 02:12 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Wannabe — fell free to call me…… no harm done in chatting……317 694 8669 (If it is off I am asleep)…. ROD
05 Dec 2006 09:12 pm
Enkindling » A Self-Differentiated, Trustworthy, Adult
[...] Self-Differentiation [...]
Osolep
Hey Rod,
I am currently attending post secondary education with the hope of being a social worker upon completion. I have currently been introduced to Bowen’s theory of differentiation and have relived that i have no concept of self. My main issue is that I commonly react emotionally, and do not reflect over how i am feeling. Are there any steps I can take to develop my internal self and mature to a normal adult level.
02 Nov 2007 05:11 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
… check back in a few days and I will see what I can come up with. Let me think on these things…..
Please know that I am very pleased you stop by and read my work. I’d encourage you and all readers to spread the word.
Rod Smith
03 Nov 2007 08:11 am
Paul
Hi Rod,
As it has been well over a year since the last post, I am unsure if the thread is still being monitored. But as I have gained great insight from your list (found via google), I would like to express my gratitude.
I am somewhere in the fundamentals of some and still working on understandings with others. This listing helps to concisely reinforce the therapeutic process I am involved in. It also serves as a great reminder of the work of process involved in developing an emotionally mature and authentic individual.
Deciding to disappear under the influence of emotional duress in the face of turmoil…was huge for me. Reading it here, resonated loud and clear.
My initial fears of undertaking this process have mostly waned. As my doctor remarked…just continue doing it…it will begin to come more naturally. And so it has begun to.
Thanks again,
-Paul
01 Jan 2009 07:01 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Hello Paul:
I am still here. I hope you get this reply.
I am pleased to hear things are going well, or at least better, for you.
Thanks for writing.
I’d be happy to send you a book if you’d send your mailing address to me privately.
Rod
RodESmith@mac.com
01 Jan 2009 08:01 pm
Kirk
Hi Rod. I loved this and think you did a great job on the list. I had heard of this concept and was trying to explain it to a friend, and this is an excellent resource to pass on. I just wanted to say thank you. It has given me a great deal to reflect on.
21 Apr 2009 02:04 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Thanks, Kirk. I appreciate your noticing. It is a very difficult issue to teach and to "get" and usually, just when you think you "get" it, you discover you have not! Please, by all means, pass it on.
21 Apr 2009 04:04 pm
Richard
Rod,
I am in graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist and was introduced to the Bowen Theories at the starting gate and in almost every class since. I, like others stumbled across your work via Google. I bookmarked the site and will continue to monitor this exchange of ideas. I like to read what others have to say about the Bowen Theories. My course has also helped me understand the reasons I lived like I did for over 50 years. Two things-escapism and abandonment-clouded every decisionj I ever made and I didn’t even know it. Now that I am aware-I guess I have reached the pinnacle of self differentiation!
23 Apr 2009 08:04 pm
GottaBme
Hi Rod,
I have encountered this specific issue most recently! I have lived on my own since 14 y/o and been successful both professionally and personally until recently. Having battled for nearly 6 years to live (due to several surgeries and cancer). During this time I lost both my job while in the hospital and then my home. I was taken in by a dear friend and have been living in the basement since. (Nearly 3 years now.) I am currently here due to finances and trying to rebuild my strength on all levels. But I find that I am increasingly discontent and what I would call fearful of striving out on my own again? I won’t go into the details but I am increasingly aware of what feels like an inability to self-diff. even though I have living the majority of my life being self diff? I am a bit at a loss! I recognize that I have encountered a new season and new healing but I wonder about different levels, phases and stages of self diff due to circumstances? survival? Displacement? What does this look like when trying to recoup ones life? any thoughts or insight you have would be dearly appreciated! Thanks for your writings – what a gift to find this page! Blessings!
07 Jun 2009 04:06 pm
GottaBme
I already left a comment…from GottaBme. Thanks I lool forward to hearing back.
08 Jun 2009 01:06 pm
Johanna Lyman
hi Rod,
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve just posted it (with credit to you of course) on my blog at http://www.romancerecovery.com/blog. One of my clients found you after we had been talking about emotional fusion. She’s taken a quantum leap in her self differentiation over the past 2 weeks as a result, yay!! Keep up the great work.
Love, Johanna
08 Jul 2009 10:07 am
Michael
I have a lot of problems with lying to those close to me. I seem to always be searching for praise from those around me and if it isn’t being given I lie and make something I have accomplished look more granduous than it really is. This really hurts me in relationships…both in my family and romantically. Any suggestions?
03 Sep 2009 08:09 pm
SJH
Hi Rod;
I have a PhD in psych/mental health nursing and am now reitred. I first came across Dr. Bowen’s theory in the mid-70′s and it made a huge difference in my personal life. I have used the concepts in my work since, but “loaned” my origional papers to another therapist and they were never returned. What a simple thing (this late in my life) to “Google” his name and not only find his theories again, but find them being applied. Learning systems theory and then Dr. Bowen’s sefl diffirentation theory in a one week’s workshop made quite an impact on me. It seemed to provide an organizational framework for where I was in my life and allowed me to move forward in defining myself (in relation to the things I had been raised to believe) without a lot of guilt. Glad I found your website. I do still counsel a little and am making copies of your list for one of my clients.
Thanks,
SJH
14 Oct 2009 10:10 am
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
I am so pleased you stopped by. When you so desire, please send a phone number and we can chat --- email it to me so numbers remain private. I LOVE Bowen and Rabbi Friedman -- I trust you have aslo read his work.
14 Oct 2009 05:10 pm
Mike
googled “relationships differentiation” and came across your list – thank you!!
I know my feelings and reactions are my responsibility. I want to care for me and be supportive and loving towards my partner (I know the concept extends beyond that).
One of the issues I struggle with is that when I get angry during an interaction, I recognize it and ask for a break to deal with it on my own and I attempt (but am not always successful) in suggesting a time for when I’d like to continue the interaction or connect in general. In such situations I find it hard to calmly insist, when my partner does not accept the request for a break. Any advice?
Also I have found that my partner repeat the same topic, when she gets upset; even when I say that I have heard her. She obviously does not feel heard, so how do you break that impasse? Our tactic is that we do take a break and then we write emails to each other initially to explain/explore and then followup in conversations.
Again thanks for the posting Rod.
20 Oct 2009 01:10 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Dear Mike:
There are two, no three, things I am pleased about: 1. You found the list and you found it helpful, 2. You took time to write, 3. You are in a growth place with your partner and are battling over important issues. PLEASE read Schnarch's Passionate Marriage. It is really an essential tool for all kinds of relationships. There are no quick solutions to what you are facing. Please email me and if you would like, we could set up a time to talk.
Thanks for writing. Be assured this is not an automated response.
Rod Smith
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
20 Oct 2009 03:10 pm
Jim
Hello,
For years, I have been struggling with a dilemma: I desire a closer, more intimate relationship with my wife of 18 years, and she is very satisfied with status quo. I have been reading excerpts (online through Google books) of various books including Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage” that introduced me to the term of “differentiation.” I did not completely understand the term (I started reading near the end of the book about reaching critical mass), and additional searches led me to your helpful article on this topic.
I am definitely interested in better understanding the process of progressing from emotional fusion to self-differentiation and will continue working toward this goal.
If there are any other resources that you would suggest to aid in this process, please let me know!
Thank you,
Jim
04 Nov 2009 01:11 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Nice comment Jim:
Email me. If you are in the USA I will give you my number and you may give me a call. (No charge, no expectaitons, just a welcome to the wonderful world of SD!).
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
04 Nov 2009 01:11 pm
crystaleve
I’m single, friendless and reading “Passionate Marriage”. A lot is falling into place.
I have been doing some soul searching after a depression that resulted in me cutting ties to everyone I know. I suddenly understand why people run away from their lives.
I feel like I can’t love anyone and I am amazed by people who have life long relationships. My latest question has been ” Are they reallly relating or just pretending to?”
The thing I’m noticing now, is that I feel like I’m being jailed when someone tries to get close to me. The dynamics of my former relationships are accelerated with people I’m meeting now. I have people I’ve known a week telling me what I should do and how I should be (Why do people do this?!) Something that has me physically gagging and instantly running in the opposite direction.
I find it easier to love trees…and animals…and shoes
I’m giving myself time to see if we really are supposed to relate as humans. At this point, I’m really not sure…
30 Nov 2009 08:11 pm
David
You are not as friendless, I suspect, as you may feel. Hang in there kid.
21 Jan 2010 02:01 am
Rachel
Sometimes people telling you what to do is helpful for them. I don't mean that you should allow to do it if it takes away your energy, but sometimes it helps that situation if you let them give you their advice, and realise that by letting them do that you are giving them a chance to explore themselves and their own ideas. You can then choose what to do with their advice by your own terms.
22 Feb 2010 08:02 pm
a deal
I came across this website because I’m testing out of “Human Growth & Development” and needed to understand the concept of self differentiation.
Wow. This is pretty impressive and I’m printing it off so I can think about it beyond the course. That’s the beauty of study – you stumble across real tools for growth and development!
This page is kind of like a gem lying in the forest: it’s shiny and attractive and I want to look at it closer to enjoy all its facets.
THANKS!
10 Jan 2010 09:01 pm
unknown
I printed this off so my mother and I can form a healthier relationship since we both have problems with this with each other and other family members.
22 Feb 2010 03:02 pm
Rachel
Thank you – I find that differentiation can be hard for me, because something in me craves fusion, like it is a natural high. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that trying to hold onto that feeling actually kills it!
It is also amazing that a truly wonderful relationship brings us so much joy but also confusion, and an opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves.
Thank you for your insights.
22 Feb 2010 08:02 pm
Rachel
This also frees me from the idea that if my partner does not fuse with me, then I am doing something wrong. But of course they need their space and their life and our love will be stronger when it is given room to grow. I don’t have to be everything for him, and don’t expect him to be everything for me.
22 Feb 2010 08:02 pm
Pasquale Forcellati
Dear Rod,
Just stumbled on your site whilst researching for my essay on attachment theory. I am currently working towards becoming a couples counsellor. Really enjoyed your article and reading a little about you.What impresses me most about you his your selfless concern for others.It reminds me of the Buddhist belief that Darma should be taught to all without payment.
Self differentiation is very similiar to the Buddhist concept of non attachment.
The constant interplay of autonomy and intimacy is reccurant throughout all stages of life, to be aware of self as differetiated from the other allows the space for true intimacy.
Thanks again Rod and wish you and all on here love, peace and true intimacy.
11 Mar 2010 02:03 pm
Rose
Hi: I will print out the text. So clear the way you put it. But very hard to do for some of us. I grew up in care. I have taken time to understand the dysfunction in my family and my part in it. My adopted daughter is causing so much pain as she is manipulating and punishing me for my failure to parent her and she does it undercover she has turned a lot of friends against me. It seems to be she is unable to tell me to my face or even show me her real self. Yet, she does to others. I wonder if there is a way to reach her or to stop the damage that is being done?
16 Apr 2010 01:04 pm
juliabloom
Thanks for this. A counselor introduced the concept of differentiation to me a couple years ago and I have found it tremendously helpful in growing my marriage, parenting a “spirited” child, and just everyday relating. I plan to read some excerpts from your article in a presentation my mother and I are doing to young mothers about building healthy lifelong parent/child relationships. In fact, I may as well print and distribute to all of them!
22 Apr 2010 11:04 am
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
And that, Julia, would be my delight. Thanks.
Rod Smith
(Think about having me come to your group sometime).
22 Apr 2010 11:04 am
Avis Hope
Thank you for the valuable information. We can not truley move forward until we know where we are going, why we are going, and what it will take to get there.
28 Apr 2010 09:04 pm
Hope
I actually researched the term self-differentiation because it was used in an article I was reading about pastors and their churches/ministry. I thought I knew what it meant but was looking for clarification and this article definitely clarified it. Still not sure if what I look for or call intimacy is “emotional fusion” or if why I am so dis-satisfied in the depth of relationships around me is because I struggle with self-diff. or if others are just so goal-oriented and self-absorbed they lack the capacity to go deeper or even desire it. I plan on printing this out and studying it more. #3 seems to be the key — I want that for myself and others. I don’t want to fear having dreams and losing relationship (intimacy) and I don’t want others who have dreams to ignore the people around them. I think I react to that by not dreaming or reaching for goals, because people have always been more important to me.
20 May 2010 02:05 pm
Katharine P Lange
Differentiation between mother and son. No more thinking he is a mirror of me.
16 Aug 2010 09:08 am
FFW
Just what I needed to hear again, this time I’m desperate enough to really listen……
17 Aug 2010 06:08 am
BB
I am printing this and sharing it with others. Thanks.
20 Aug 2010 06:08 pm
Don
I am printing this and sharing it. This is helpful clarification of this topic, a necessary skill for establishing healthy detachment in any relationship, a vital key to genuine maturity.
29 Aug 2010 12:08 pm
Anita
Rod, thank you so much for making these extremely insightful, soul mending tools just out there where it really makes a difference! Thank you so much! I am sharing this one too. There really are like self awakening tools that help so much! thank you thank you thank you! And I really thank God for you!
03 Sep 2010 08:09 pm
Anita
P.S. I am also thankful you said that we could share it... I linked it on face book and am printing and sharing... this is such a wealth, I cant say it enough, thank you! How unselfish of you...really
03 Sep 2010 08:09 pm
Gerry
Thank you, Rod. This is very well organized and teachable. I lead groups of Domestic Violent Offenders helping them to become aware of their beliefs and the need to change their Power and Control beliefs over others. I mostly work with men, but recognized they are only half of the problem, as their partner’s contribute to the dysfunction also. Therefore, I’m preparing a workshop for women, to be followed by life skills coaching, that will aid them in building loving relationships. I am asking for your permission to use your eighteen points of differentiation in the workshop. May I?
16 Jan 2011 05:01 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Gerry you have my FULL permission to use, modify, add-to, sell, enjoy, anything I have written for the edification and the empowering of people anywhere and at anytime. Thanks for asking. Full permission granted.
Rod Smith
16 Jan 2011 05:01 pm
CPM
Hi, Rod. I came across this website today when I googled “differentiation of self” in response to a therapist’s recommendation that I work on that concept in my journey to becoming a happy, well-adjusted and fulfilled adult. Your article was very helpful in getting down to the “nuts and bolts” of what it means to be self-differentiated, and it provides a guide to some things I can specifically work on. I hadn’t found that in other articles. Thanks!
15 Feb 2011 10:02 pm
JNM
Rod, my friend just hooked me up with your site and it looks amazing. Do you have any suggestions for…
My husband and I have been in counseling for 6 years after we realized his inability to be emotionally intimate. He is working tremendously hard and committed to his ADHD/BPD support group, his psychiatrist, his dialectical behavior therapy, his sobriety. One hurdle that he can’t seem to make, is when the moment arises for him to express his vulnerable needs to me, he cannot walk through that door. Anxiety and dissociated behaviors ensue…after 6 years I am feeling so discouraged. Any readings or suggestions you have?
01 Mar 2011 02:03 pm
Joe
Thank you for posting this. I know I will find it helpful in my life and the relationships around me.
Joe
01 Mar 2011 08:03 pm
Heather
Thank you for posting. I think this is one of the best pages on differentiation I have read alongside the work in Passionate Marriage.
I will print and share.
08 Apr 2011 12:04 am
meghan
Hi Rod,
My therapist suggested I research differentiation today and I found your list. Thank-you so much for this. It gives me specific things to look at and work on. I have come to the realization that at 26 years old, I have never differentiated from my mother. She was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards me growing up (still is in some ways), and I am only now seeing that her words and actions were unacceptable. I have two children and I don’t want to hurt them the way she hurt me. I don’t have many of the skills on your list, but now I have something to look at, point to, and say, “that’s how it should be.” Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.
15 Apr 2011 12:04 am
LS
Rod,
I really love your points on Self Differentiation.I have to confess I really struggle with and I am not sure I agree with item number 6. I see the wisdom in it most of the time but don’t you believe that there are some situations where cutoff might be warranted?
I have a situation where a female friend of my husbands was very resentful of our marriage. They were friends from college and while he viewed it as a friendship I see signs where she would have liked for it to be more. Being married herself that would not have been appropriate, so she found ways to insert herself into my husbands life as possible to vicariously be involved with him without having to actually be seen as being inappropriate.
When I came along there were troubles of course and this friend of his is the tyoe of person who will never admit they are in the wrong about anything. She kept trying to insert herself into our lives again in inappropriate ways. We finally saw no other alternative but to cut her off, she was causing so many problems between us.
So that is one example. Other examples I wonder about are people who have serious substance abuse problems who won’t address them and end up encroaching on your life. Or people who are so controlling or malicious that they can’t be reasoned with. I think you get the idea…am I obligated to try to keep a relationship going with them.? Sometimes I think cutoff is warranted and probably a healthier way to go. I could be wrong though. I am interested in anyones thoughts on the topic.
Perhaps I am not applying enough Bowen theory here LOL.
LS
02 Jun 2011 11:06 am
Rod Smith
LS: I trust you have seen my clarifications. Thanks for your response and for your help. Rod Smith
02 Jun 2011 03:06 pm
LS
Rod,
So I did misunderstand what you meant by clarifications…you didn’t say specifically that you modified that item. I understand better now. Thank you for that. I want to be sure I understand. Cutoff is a tool I use too often because it is the only thing I know how to do when things get to uncomfortable. Bowen theory has been very helpful in showing me that there are different and better ways to handle those situations. Your points above really help to make those theories applicable.
LS
02 Jun 2011 08:06 pm
Barbara
Thank you for the information. I first heard the term self-differentiation this week and I am 60 years old. As the adult child of alcoholics, I find that I am at a crossroads in my life – retired and looking for a new direction for my ministry. I mostly desire to be emotionally healthy. I have a way to go. BRM
12 Jun 2011 01:06 pm
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