Comments on: Three poisons for love: Manipulation, Intimidation, and Domination http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/ Difficult Relationships - honest answers to relationship dilemmas Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:30:48 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Dame http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-349 Dame Tue, 15 Feb 2011 03:53:05 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-349 Dear c If his behaviour and personalitty changes with the drink, he most proberbly suffers from alcoholism and can be helped. .AA and Al- anon can help. If it is not the drink, then I don't know; but there are many 12 step programs based off the AA concept Dear c
If his behaviour and personalitty changes with the drink, he most proberbly suffers from alcoholism and can be helped. .AA and Al- anon can help. If it is not the drink, then I don’t know; but there are many 12 step programs based off the AA concept

]]> By: shirleen http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-348 shirleen Thu, 20 Jan 2011 10:03:19 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-348 I was watching Law and Order when I saw my sister being discribed. It was just a few days before that she punched me in the mouth. I wasn't "acting right". She's been the smartest person in the world for as long as I've known her and I know nothing. She has no children but I'll be dambed if she does'nt know more about raising my two boys. I got a restraining order and I never want to see her again. I was watching Law and Order when I saw my sister being discribed. It was just a few days before that she punched me in the mouth. I wasn’t “acting right”. She’s been the smartest person in the world for as long as I’ve known her and I know nothing. She has no children but I’ll be dambed if she does’nt know more about raising my two boys. I got a restraining order and I never want to see her again.

]]> By: 2010 in review | Rod Smith http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-347 2010 in review | Rod Smith Sun, 02 Jan 2011 14:36:05 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-347 [...] Three poisons for love: Manipulation, Intimidation, and Domination March 200637 comments [...] [...] Three poisons for love: Manipulation, Intimidation, and Domination March 200637 comments [...]

]]> By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-346 Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Sun, 25 Jul 2010 20:15:16 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-346 Constant in-depth conversations can be exhausting, enough to make some resist all conversation. Discard the therapist label – especially with your fiancé. Good therapeutic process often allows for silent, purposeful living. I have no idea how immature he is. I’d suggest you not discuss him with “everyone”, which I know, is not only immature, it doesn’t do much for love. Constant in-depth conversations can be exhausting, enough to make some resist all conversation. Discard the therapist label – especially with your fiancé. Good therapeutic process often allows for silent, purposeful living. I have no idea how immature he is. I’d suggest you not discuss him with “everyone”, which I know, is not only immature, it doesn’t do much for love.

]]> By: Jillian http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-345 Jillian Sun, 25 Jul 2010 19:28:22 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-345 Thanks! Thanks!

]]> By: Jillian http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-344 Jillian Sun, 25 Jul 2010 19:26:20 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-344 My fiance tells me I want to talk about everything too much. I have been the therapist amongst my friends since 1st grade. I talk through everything. He doesn't have the problem with my actual conversational skill, but he hates when I want to talk through an issue. What this really equates to is that he depises being called out on a fault. I am horribly critical of myself, so most times I am calling myself out on my faults before he gets a chance to. He holds me to all of these standards, but he doesn't seem to think he needs to do the same for himself. i.e. We were having a debate, and I cut him off. He became very angry and told me it was horribly rude and disrespectful to interrupt him and that I shouldn't do it. Not even 5 minutes later (not exaggerating) after listening to what he had to say and ASKING if he was finished, I began to explain my side. Mid-sentence, he interrupted me. I stared at him in disbelief before losing my temper and blowing up. Things like this happen alllllll the time. I am a firm believer in equality in relationships. When I tell him he is being a hypocrite, he blows up and tells me that we don't need to talk about every little issue. His double standards infuriate me. Am I being controlling by wanting to talk through issues? Am I beeing dominating? I am stubborn. I won't let a topic die until we've reached a conclusion. Everyone calls him immature, but I wanted to see what an imparital outsider had to say. My fiance tells me I want to talk about everything too much. I have been the therapist amongst my friends since 1st grade. I talk through everything. He doesn’t have the problem with my actual conversational skill, but he hates when I want to talk through an issue. What this really equates to is that he depises being called out on a fault. I am horribly critical of myself, so most times I am calling myself out on my faults before he gets a chance to. He holds me to all of these standards, but he doesn’t seem to think he needs to do the same for himself. i.e. We were having a debate, and I cut him off. He became very angry and told me it was horribly rude and disrespectful to interrupt him and that I shouldn’t do it. Not even 5 minutes later (not exaggerating) after listening to what he had to say and ASKING if he was finished, I began to explain my side. Mid-sentence, he interrupted me. I stared at him in disbelief before losing my temper and blowing up. Things like this happen alllllll the time. I am a firm believer in equality in relationships. When I tell him he is being a hypocrite, he blows up and tells me that we don’t need to talk about every little issue. His double standards infuriate me. Am I being controlling by wanting to talk through issues? Am I beeing dominating? I am stubborn. I won’t let a topic die until we’ve reached a conclusion. Everyone calls him immature, but I wanted to see what an imparital outsider had to say.

]]> By: confused http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-343 confused Mon, 19 Jul 2010 07:43:12 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-343 It's so nice to find a site where I can actually vent!. I am 38, married to a man 59 years old for 12 years. We have a son together, I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has 2 adult children. I think the is the MASTER manipulator. Recently, we moved to CA, where his daughter and grand kids live from AL. I have no family here, left behind my business, a home and family not to mention my mother who has been recently diagnosed with parkinsons disease. We have been here in CA now for a little over a year and I HATE IT! His job relocated us here but the decision to come here was never an agreement, just his decision. My kids hate it here and he now refuses to help my daughter finish college financially. I have not been able to find a job and have no means of income other than what he gives me. I feel SO TRAPPED!. My life was so much better and easier in AL where my family is, my business and everything else that I need to thrive!. I am severely depressed and it is manifesting itself in every aspect of my life including my health, not sleeping, snapping at the kids etc... Should I move back to AL and start my life over with my kids or just tough it out? Am I being immature for wanting to be near family? Having an open and honest conversation with him is out of the question, he dominates the conversation, threatens to divorce when I argue with him and he knows that I'm in a situation where I can't move finanacially. I would love to go back and move to my home in AL and start over. Please help someone, am I going crazy or what? It’s so nice to find a site where I can actually vent!. I am 38, married to a man 59 years old for 12 years. We have a son together, I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has 2 adult children. I think the is the MASTER manipulator. Recently, we moved to CA, where his daughter and grand kids live from AL. I have no family here, left behind my business, a home and family not to mention my mother who has been recently diagnosed with parkinsons disease. We have been here in CA now for a little over a year and I HATE IT! His job relocated us here but the decision to come here was never an agreement, just his decision. My kids hate it here and he now refuses to help my daughter finish college financially. I have not been able to find a job and have no means of income other than what he gives me. I feel SO TRAPPED!. My life was so much better and easier in AL where my family is, my business and everything else that I need to thrive!. I am severely depressed and it is manifesting itself in every aspect of my life including my health, not sleeping, snapping at the kids etc… Should I move back to AL and start my life over with my kids or just tough it out? Am I being immature for wanting to be near family? Having an open and honest conversation with him is out of the question, he dominates the conversation, threatens to divorce when I argue with him and he knows that I’m in a situation where I can’t move finanacially. I would love to go back and move to my home in AL and start over. Please help someone, am I going crazy or what?

]]> By: Nehal Shah http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-342 Nehal Shah Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:39:58 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-342 I can't agree more I can’t agree more

]]> By: SWK http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-341 SWK Mon, 07 Jun 2010 11:54:42 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-341 I never heard of CDR until I the episode of LAW & ORDER. My ex has tried his best to NOT talk to me since we broke up, now almost 10 years. Instead opting to speak to anyone else. When I ask a direct question he will not respond. Example, "How are you?" When an opportunity to come face to face, he exits the area looking like a frightened animal. He will turn his back to avoid speaking to me. All of this seems to be CDR. Instead of speaking face-to-face or phone calls he inists on emails, responding only when and if he wants to. I am raising a teenage girl and she sees her father's behavior towards me. She wants no part of this and I don't blame her. So how to get this guy to show me respect and speak to me directly? I never heard of CDR until I the episode of LAW & ORDER. My ex has tried his best to NOT talk to me since we broke up, now almost 10 years. Instead opting to speak to anyone else.

When I ask a direct question he will not respond. Example, “How are you?”

When an opportunity to come face to face, he exits the area looking like a frightened animal. He will turn his back to avoid speaking to me. All of this seems to be CDR.

Instead of speaking face-to-face or phone calls he inists on emails, responding only when and if he wants to.

I am raising a teenage girl and she sees her father’s behavior towards me.
She wants no part of this and I don’t blame her.

So how to get this guy to show me respect and speak to me directly?

]]> By: c http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-340 c Wed, 02 Jun 2010 22:21:53 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/15/manipulation-domination-intimidation/#comment-340 Thanks for this article. I found it when I looked up “Control Domination Response” after basically hearing my ex described on “Law & Order”. My ex has me totally diagnosed as everything Dr. Tara lists on her site, using this information to justify his treatment of me. I wrote her after he posted some things about me, and she basically was highly uninterested in hearing that perhaps people use that information to justify their awful behavior. However, my family and friends, as well as his own family and friends all know him to be verbally and physically abusive, mean, violent and disturbed. I am not perfect, but I knew something had to be wrong, because on the one hand he was all I ever wanted – virile, strong, smart, funny, capable – and on the other he was the scariest person I knew. I tried everything, including couples therapy at the end, but he would say I was lying, and basically it got to the point where every single thing I did was wrong, everything I said or didn’t say was wrong, every action was suspect, every friend was a whore including my own family members. If he said something to hurt me and I cried, I was weak and trying to make a scene, even if no one else was around. I have had to call the police on him constantly for interfering in my and my people’s lives, he threatens and assaults me when he drinks. He came from a broken family that involved a very mean mother who blamed him for reminding her of his abusive, alcoholic father, a father who disappointed him constantly, poverty and a very harsh neighbourhood. After he hit me, I moved away and he followed, we made up and things were great for a while. Then his drinking and abuse began again in earnest and he did an interview with an expert who directed him to anger management. This was the best time in the whole relationship when he was in this program for angry male batterers, but he refused to continue because he felt he was “not as bad” as some of the really criminal men in the group. When he doesn’t drink, there is no physical abuse but he deludes himself and usually cannot even recall what happened. It’s been months since I have even seen him but still he texts me with comments on my life, accusations when I am not even dating yet and to tell me that I am “living on borrowed time”. I do still love him but I can’t believe he turned into this monster when I know and have seen and lived his wonderful side. I see so much of what you say above in his behaviour, plus he always blames me for causing him to get so angry. I think his anger and refusal to get treatment are his own issues, not mine. Is there anyway a person like this can be helped, even if not for me or us, but in general? I love him enough to want him to be happy. He’s had a hard life and it’s not fair for him to never find happiness just because he is sick. Thanks for this article. I found it when I looked up “Control Domination Response” after basically hearing my ex described on “Law & Order”. My ex has me totally diagnosed as everything Dr. Tara lists on her site, using this information to justify his treatment of me. I wrote her after he posted some things about me, and she basically was highly uninterested in hearing that perhaps people use that information to justify their awful behavior. However, my family and friends, as well as his own family and friends all know him to be verbally and physically abusive, mean, violent and disturbed. I am not perfect, but I knew something had to be wrong, because on the one hand he was all I ever wanted – virile, strong, smart, funny, capable – and on the other he was the scariest person I knew. I tried everything, including couples therapy at the end, but he would say I was lying, and basically it got to the point where every single thing I did was wrong, everything I said or didn’t say was wrong, every action was suspect, every friend was a whore including my own family members. If he said something to hurt me and I cried, I was weak and trying to make a scene, even if no one else was around. I have had to call the police on him constantly for interfering in my and my people’s lives, he threatens and assaults me when he drinks. He came from a broken family that involved a very mean mother who blamed him for reminding her of his abusive, alcoholic father, a father who disappointed him constantly, poverty and a very harsh neighbourhood. After he hit me, I moved away and he followed, we made up and things were great for a while. Then his drinking and abuse began again in earnest and he did an interview with an expert who directed him to anger management. This was the best time in the whole relationship when he was in this program for angry male batterers, but he refused to continue because he felt he was “not as bad” as some of the really criminal men in the group. When he doesn’t drink, there is no physical abuse but he deludes himself and usually cannot even recall what happened.

It’s been months since I have even seen him but still he texts me with comments on my life, accusations when I am not even dating yet and to tell me that I am “living on borrowed time”. I do still love him but I can’t believe he turned into this monster when I know and have seen and lived his wonderful side. I see so much of what you say above in his behaviour, plus he always blames me for causing him to get so angry. I think his anger and refusal to get treatment are his own issues, not mine.

Is there anyway a person like this can be helped, even if not for me or us, but in general? I love him enough to want him to be happy. He’s had a hard life and it’s not fair for him to never find happiness just because he is sick.

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