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How do I survive a long distance relationship?
11 Mar 2006 by Rod Smith in Long distance relationships / 23 Comments
Distance intensifies, and idealizes “love” sometimes to the point that it is easier to love an absent lover than it is to love someone real and present. Few people are as wonderful as our imagination, coupled with distance, can create them to be. (Which is one of many reasons pornography is so damaging and the reason why an Internet relationship is not a relationship in the “real” world.)
1. Don’t call each other or email every day. Rather agree to something more random like three times a week or when it is possible. This sets each person free from feeling tied to the phone waiting for it to ring or the Email to arrive. Such “free” scheduling also allows for persons to avoid some of the letdown of waiting in vain.
2. Don’t put your life “here” on hold because he or she is “there.” Long-distance relationships can rob you of the present, while you long for someone a long distance away. This is not fair to dear and near family and friends.
3. Don’t marry a person with whom you have had ONLY a long distance relationship no matter how “close” or “bonded” the “contact” makes you feel.
About the Author: Rod Smith
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Verbal log-jam
When I was a boy I’d endlessly practice the fluent delivery of my name but it seldom flowed easily from my lips. As if it was new news to me, adults pointed out my stutter. Perhaps they thought I was beginning, at that precise moment, for the first time in my life to spit from the mouth, twist at the neck, jig my head back and forth trying to expel some inane statement log-jammed between my gut and my throat.
Idiots – always adults, children were surprisingly patient, – would make me repeat sentences as if a repeat performance of the humiliating uncoordinated gesticulations, my arms and legs flying in all directions, would make for an easier delivery the second time. That I’d just spent every ounce of energy trying to cough it up was lost on them. That I was already thoroughly humiliated was something to which they were blind.“Practice, practice,” they’d say as if stutterers simply didn’t speak enough. “Think before you speak. Now – try that again,” they would declare slowly and loudly as if I was stupid and deaf. These thoughtless people were ignorant of just how much stutterers do think. Too much – which is central to the issue!
If I’d known at twelve or thirteen that the day would come when I’d make a career of public speaking I might have strolled off a high-rise building.
Now it is quite easy to hide. I am very comfortable with crowds.
It’s asking driving directions or ordering food at a drive through where it gets tricky. Sitting in a cozy circle waiting for my turn to introduce myself sends my blood-pressure through the roof. The ticket attendant on the London underground can render me dumb after I’ve just spent days addressing a room full of graduate level adults about Family Systems Theory. I know. It sounds ridiculous.
I was almost immobilized the first time I saw Thulani put himself “on duty” in the event he needed to be my mouthpiece. He did it. No one asked him or appointed him. He just did it.
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Life in our beloved 122
If the inside of a house (outside, too, I suppose) is a metaphor of the lives of the people who live in it – which is something I once read somewhere – gosh, are we in trouble. Our house is a mess.
I consistently clean it room by room, thinking often of the legend that the Golden Gate Bridge that says there’s some guy constantly painting it. I feel for him. While I am sure the view is wonderful I must believe that the poor guy whose doing it daily from one end to the other must find the wind and the weather quite a challenge.
Our house is the same, but instead of painting from end to end and back again, I am the guy constantly cleaning, – and, it’s hard to tell.
Where I cleaned and swept and dusted and vacuumed and sponged and sterilized yesterday there are scooters and bicycles (boys), mail in piles (me), books (boys and me), newspapers (me), magazines (me), and socks (boys and Max, the Chihuahua).
Turn my back and the boys and Max are at it again – enjoying life as boys (and a dog) while I find being a cleaning lady quite an exhausting challenge.
There is a point of no return, I’ve noticed, or at least a point of the chaos where I feel compelled to let it all go for a while and I throw up my hands and join in the fun of trashing the place.
But when I clean I like to think I’m just like the guy painting the Bridge, which I can only imagine must be a slow and methodical task.
I do it room by room, starting at one end, the front, in the event that I soon lose interest – then, at least, the front room is somewhat in order. I push it (trash, magazines, books, socks, clothes) all back from the living room, through the piano room, then into the TV room until everything lands up in the kitchen.
Once it hits the kitchen I separate out what’s Max’s – he’s has his own set of toys with which he ruins the house – what’s Nate’s, what’s Thulani’s, and what can be recycled, dumped, restacked on bookshelves, placed in drawers, hung on a hanger, or filed in the “important documents” file I keep losing.
We moved into “122” (creatively named for its street number and which has had very few updates since it was built in 1886) when Thulani was about two – and I have been getting it in order ever since. Nate joined us in 2002. Max, in 2009. The house- attachment, at least for the boys and Max, is strong. When I talk of selling Thulani reminds me that Rhino, the husky that was on the run for nine months and returned to die within a few weeks after we reconnected, is buried in an Air France first class cabin blanket just outside of the kitchen door. Nate reminds me of where the fat goldfish is buried and Thulani ends the litany with his inability to think of living in a house without the large tree in the front yard where he has his brother (and Max) have “peed like boys” (and a dog) for the past several years.
So. I’ll go on painting and, before you send me letters about giving the boys chores and responsibilities and assigning daily tasks and getting on top of it before it gets on top of me let me advise that you are barking up the wrong tree (sorry, Max for the dog metaphor) because we do have all that in place and it does work here and there and off and on.
I know, I know. Consistency is the name of the game for parenting and let me tell you, the ONLY thing that is consistent here is the need to keep going room by room with or without the boys (and Max) to get this little bridge painted one stretch at a time so the world can see just how organized and decent our lives are here at our beloved “122.”
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Being a white South African can come with complications
Being a white South African reared under Apartheid is no simple matter. It permeated everything for me. While I do not pretend to have been a political activist, I was always cognizant that my privileges, simply a result of being born white, were unmerited, and most unfair especially when enjoyed at the expense of others who were not. I think this unsettling truth (for I took advantage of my station in life) was somewhat of a companion to me from the age of about six or seven.
I am regularly aware that:- I was discouraged from playing soccer in the “front” yard (in view of the neighbors) with the servant’s children. While this may seem insignificant in the light of other much more severe problems rising from racism, it was huge for me as a child on several fronts. I loved the children and I loved soccer even more. They were excellent soccer players.
- I did attend a segregated school as did almost all white South Africans while there did exist some church schools that were integrated even under Apartheid. I vividly recall my school principal scolding the entire student body (over a thousand white boys) because a domestic worker (a black adult man) was seen walking in the neighborhood wearing a school blazer.
- Although, by no means wealthy, I was waited on hand and foot by a full-time servant.
- In the late 80s I was warned not to pray publicly for Prisoner “Nelson” Mandela from my church pulpit.
- A member of my family did balk at my request that I bring black children to his home-swimming pool to swim.
- Even as late as 1987 I was embarrassed that a young black boy whom I’d “helped” in his squatter camp had shown up at my door unannounced. I recall wondering what the neighbors would think seeing a child arriving at the home for a social visit and not to work in the yard.While I am aware that these are piddly problems in the light of what millions faced under the Apartheid regime, I am also aware that these factors in my immediate environment “shaped” me into believing perverse things (like in my own superiority and in “their” inferiority) about persons of other race groups. More significantly, I am frequently reminded that my children and I could not have shared life as we now do if we were still living in the era of Apartheid.
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Location, location – remembering winter in August
We live very close to our school and church, so close we can hear the school bell from our kitchen and the church bells in my bedroom.
Sometimes we walk to both and we don’t see the car for days.
I like it. I like not having to get in and out of the car. I like not having to negotiate traffic, something as synonymous with life in the USA as Disney, Fast Food, and the Fourth of July.
That’s the upside.
We are a 10-hour-drive to the nearest coast – and, most of the east coast beaches are not worth the drive. The west coast, which has many wonderful beaches comparable to where I was reared, takes three full days of driving to reach.
Being landlocked is one thing but another is the weather. Indiana weather is erratic, neurotic, and downright psychotic.
Days ago I could’ve (but I didn’t) ice-skated across the street. Now, as I write, there’s a small lake in the street next to the sidewalk from last night’s rain. The weather is so brutal and extreme (it is as hot as blazes in the summers) that when we do drive anywhere (there are no grocery stores in walking distance) the streets are often full of potholes making some of America’s finest suburban streets resemble stretches of road you’d find in a rural stretch of South Africa’s Wild Coast. So, I am exaggerating but really not too much. Washington Boulevard is a challenge to drive right now, you have got to dodge potholes and loose pavement or, unless you drive a tank, you stand to severely damage your suspension.
But I do love living here. My neighbors are some of my best friends. My children are free and safe in the neighborhood and everyone knows everyone’s children. Even as I write Joseph (born a week or so before Thulani) from down the street has wondered into the house and it is quite likely he will eat with us, stay the night, and then wander down back down the street to his home sometime in the morning. His mom and I will talk sometime between now and nightfall unless he of course chooses to wonder off home and be gone just as quickly as he showed up.
Potholes and crazy weather won’t send us running, although we will drive to church in the morning – even though it is really close. I’m not sure I want to brave the elements which could be a snow-storm, an ice storm, the threat of a tornado – or a little or a lot of each. What else could you expect during March in Indiana?
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Ready to adopt?
If you wait until you are ready to adopt a child you never will because you will never be ready. The baby, and only the baby, will make you ready. Reading the right books will be helpful, but “ready” magically comes upon you when a real baby is sleeping in your arms or crying in the middle of the night. If you are not ready to change diapers – and I always am amused at the big deal about this non-issue – being unprepared will last only as long as a clean diaper. Of course you can go baby-stuff-shopping, get a room painted, stencil yellow ducks on the wall – if you know long enough in advance your child is coming. But painting a bedroom with ducks and rainbows and a pot of gold, and getting a truck load of stuff from your local one-stop baby emporium will only fill your home with a lot of weird and wonderful, and mostly unnecessary, equipment.
Children interrupt everything. It is the child who is really ready to teach you, whether you are or not. Once he arrives he will become the hub of all your scheduling. You will be fine with this because the child is not an interruption to your life but rather, from this point on, central to it.
The baby will make you ready and you can’t really prepare for the baby until he is breathing in the crib right next to your bed.
Life inside the Smith household
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23 Comments
Lesline Tau
my question is ………why i use to call him but he did not call me…………
can you help me
10 Apr 2006 04:04 pm
Alex
No offense, but I think you’re generalizing too much about relationships. It seems that you have forgotten that not everyone’s perception of what constitutes a good LD relationship is the same as yours. Shouldn’t they be in contact, if possible, every day? From the looks of it,”Don’t call each other or email every day”, you have some fear of committment.
Communication, in a real realtionship, is a paramount; the more the better. Don’t get me wrong, that does not not mean call at innoportune times because one you are insecure and wondering about the other person. What people who are in healthy relationships should remember is that every person is different, so to say not to call or e-mail every day, depends on the person you are in the realtionship with, their schedule, and what they desire. And because everyone is different, posting advice in that manner can be dangerous.
23 Jun 2006 08:06 am
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Alex: — Thanks for your comment. Don’t follow advice you consider “dangerous” — Rod
23 Jun 2006 09:06 pm
Sara
Does “sitting by the phone”, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?
26 Jun 2006 05:06 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
Sara- I have answered your question in a post dated 6/29/06 – let me know when you have seen it. Rod
29 Jun 2006 12:06 pm
Jason
HOw will this work for long distance relationship when I was confused between 2 girls. one girl live in new jersey and I really love her and i mean she is truly amazing girl i ever met, its like my soul mate and she is hearing. another girl who live like 30 minutes away from me, she is hearing impaired and we have been dating for 2 years and we broken up. then i got new girl which she currently live in new jesey. so a girl who was hearing impaired. she is amazing too. i just don’t know what im doing. i just want to have someone to be right next to me.
Jason…..
30 Jun 2006 10:06 pm
Jason
Plus im hearing impaired too.
30 Jun 2006 10:06 pm
Benjamin
Just wanted to say that i can’t help but talk to my girlfriend everyday. i just can’t go a day withut talking to her. and i know she appreciates. if i can’t talk to her for sometimes she understands. i live in africa and my girlfirnd lives in taiwan and we can’t get together till we meet in england. and we’ve had each other for one year now and so far everything is woeking perfectly
25 Sep 2006 06:09 pm
Bianca
I am in a long distance relationship and it is going quite fine. Except the fact that there is a trust issue with the both of us. We are both very clingy. I really love him and if we do last I am going to marry this guy. He is wonderful, sweet, everything I ever wanted and I don’t plan to give it away, inspite of what everyone else says. We both think it can work and if we think we can make it then what does it matter what others think? Here’s my advice to couples seeking advice for long distance relationships, If it is really true love then you can make it through and don’t let nobody who is or isn’t in your situation tell you what to do about it. The decision is yours to make, you and your lover.
25 Sep 2006 06:09 pm
Bianca
Rod, it is very hard for me not to talk to my boyfriend everyday, if I go the least 3 days without speaking to him I’d go crazy. I have a need to talk to him. I love him more than anything in this world, he is my life and I honestly don’t know what my life would be like without him. I’m hoping and praying to God that he keeps us together because I really believe this is true love.
25 Sep 2006 06:09 pm
Rachel
Here’s some helpful tips from a different article:
When communicating with your far-away favorite, you may shy away from filling the precious time with mundane details of your life, but think again. “You should keep in touch about all the little trivial things that happen during the day,” says Caroline Tiger, author of The Long Distance Relationship Guide. Talk, write or email about the weather, the great song you heard on the radio, or how your boss continues to find new and innovative ways to annoy you. Your partner won’t feel like he or she is missing out on anything in your life—and you’ll find it that much easier to pick up where you left off when it’s time to reunite. ”
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5762&menuid=8&lid=419
I have found that communicating daily, even if we only have time to say “Hi, I’ll write tomorrow, I love you” is helpful for surviving a long-distance relationship. Desperately waiting by the phone is not. So it may be better for people prone to clinginess to work out a routine of when they will call/ email/ IM so they will have practical expectations.
I have also discovered that it’s good to honestly discuss how you’re feeling with the separation, but in a constructive, not complaining, manner. It doesn’t benefit either person to keep it all inside and act like everything is fine, you’re strong enough to handle it on your own, etc. Building a relationship means feeling safe enough to honestly share your thoughts and emotions and struggles and weaknesses, and allowing the other person to support you.
01 Oct 2007 01:10 am
sweet
I have a question! , please please please answer me!..I have the same situation as Lesline.. but mine is more complicated and confusing, he’s out of the country and he’s been away for 1 week, he said he need to work there and till this day he’s not calling me. He said he will come back this January and promise he will come back for me. I don’t know what is happening to him while he’s there. I don’t know how will I contact him. Will i still wait for him? and hope that he will call me? or should I let go of our relationship? he said he’s coming back this January. I don’t know what to do.. does this mean he don’t want me no more? Help
31 Oct 2007 09:10 pm
Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
You sound, or seem to be, too desperate to be able to hear my answer. This man, and the promise of a relationship with him, has you in an irrational grip. Get some perspective on YOUR life so you can make some REASONABLE decisions about who and what he is to you.
Slow down. Relax. He is not the answer to your future. You are.
Thanks for writing.
Rod Smith
03 Nov 2007 08:11 am
Seduction and Relationships » Blog Archive » Comment on How do I survive a long distance relationship? by Rod E …
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Long Distance Relationship
Long Distance relationships are tough, very, very tough. That is the challenge that people face. If you stay in regular contact and try and see each other when you can I think it can work. it depends a lot on the individuals and how the relationship was like before the distance.
19 Nov 2007 07:11 am
Seduction and Relationships » Blog Archive » Comment on How do I survive a long distance relationship? by Long …
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Seduction and Relationships » Blog Archive » Comment on How do I survive a long distance relationship? by …
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jbsupport
Hi Rod,
I completely disagree with your post. People aren’t in long distance relationships because they want to feel the intensity of love-sickness and because they idealize the “love” feeling they had with the person. Long distance relationships (LDR) are demanding and require a lot of work. Thus, in my belief, if people are going to get into a LDR it’s not a casual decision. I also don’t agree with your first point in regards to calling someone every day. I was in a long distance relationship for 18 months (I know live with the man who I was in the LDR with) and we spoke every day. It was great to get to know someone on an intellectual and emotional level without any added pressures. When you’re on the phone you are forced to communicate- and I know tons of couples that are in regular relationships that never communicate. In regards to point number 2, successful long distance relationships can only prosper when the people involved in them are dynamic. Thus by learning about new things independently and try new things in your spare time each person will have things to talk with the other person. In terms of number 3, I agree with you- I think LDR are great but you also need to move past that and live together which comes with its own pros and cons.
My blog can be found at http://www.guideforyourheart.com/
I welcome your comments!
TheWoman
20 Jan 2008 07:01 pm
Long Distance Relationships
Ive been in a relationship on line for over a year now. We took all the precautionary steps (talked for 6 months first via phone and web cam) before flying to see eachother. We fly every 6-8 weeks now. We have the fundements of an incredible marriage. Great conversation, communication, and respect for eachother which helps considerably. Unfortunatly we are on opposite sides of the country me in school him with a business, and are unable to relocate for about 1-2 years. Our only issue is trust. Even when we think we handle situations accordly there always seems to be room for capability to have made better decisions. It seems to consistanly “not good enough”. I know distance and frustration feeds this but its aggrivating. I think once we are together things will be more solid…..but any tips on making it that far?
25 Jan 2008 10:01 pm
Anna
I think that in general to maintain a long distance is not difficult. As long as both partners are happy with the situation. But when they eventually decide to settle down together very often they break up too soon. They suddenly realize that they don’t know the person near them, after long years on a distance maybe she/he changed or even never been a person they consider him/her to be.
16 May 2008 04:05 am
RenDiva-Long Distance Relationship Guru
There is really only one thing you need to concern yourself with in a long distance relationship: be a constant reminder to him or her that you are the awesome person he or she fell in love with.
You can talk every day, you can still live your life as long as you make things totally EASY for your love. As soon as you start whining during every phone call or starting fights, you have lost your lover.
Why would he stick with angry little you when there are happy people right where he is who think he’s pretty cool?
Be awesome and your LDR will work out perfect!
Good luck,
Rendiva
Relationship Advice for Women
08 Jun 2008 04:06 am
Ben
Long Distance relationships are a true test to a couple’s commitment and personal limits. LDRs take a great amount of effort to maintain and often people involved in them, realize that they evolve into a state of emotion that they never found themselves in before. When your partner is miles away from you, it is very easy to let things go wrong and lead your long distance romance to an early death. Some people find it difficult to bridge the distance through communication, others become overly obsessed with what their partner is doing when they are not there and as a result they spiral down a road of jealousy and suspicion. They key is balance and following some basic steps to keep your relationship healthy and strong. For more advice and tips from fellow people in LDRs check http://www.waiit.com the Long Distance Relationships community website.
22 Oct 2008 04:10 am
christian
My girlffriend is going to be working on a cruise ship in 2 weeks and I won’t see her for four months. I know it don’t seem long. I’m woundering how to pass time and not let it bother me so much?
26 Oct 2009 11:10 am
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